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I'm sick of EXP putting our DC way down his list of priorities

(14 Posts)
MotherofthreeDragons Mon 09-Dec-13 10:53:35

He left us on DD3 due date nearly 3 years ago, he barely saw the children for a year why he had his new GF and spent a year globe trotting why I tried to commit suicide (unsuccessfully, thank god)

After he broke up from his GF he came running back and I let him stay over and be a great dad to the DC. Things were going so well (we wasn't going to get back together, to much water under the bridge)but he said if we moved to back down south, closer to where he lives, he could help out with the DC and help 'baby sit' so I could have some sort of life, to help with my depression and to study. I have fallen out with my DM because of the move.

Exactly 4 days after we moved in, his attitude towards me has changed already, he bearly visits and when we have arranged to do something with the DC (eg Halloween and firework night) he has cancelled and left me to tell the kids and when I've said, I don't think it right and he could have least apologized to the DC or be the one who tells them, I get shouted at and then we don't see of hear from him for week or two.

He has two older grow up DC that work but he still pays child support to (21 and 22 hmm) so my DC get less, not that I'm money grabbing, but we are facing eviction. He drops my DC for them if they call, even braking promises to my emotionally fragile DS. He has always been a fantastic dad to his other DC, we had them every weekend without fail and EXP would only let us move into a house that was close to them and had room for them - he now lives in a flat which he has said isn't suitable to have the kids over. He has never had the children to stay.

He won't even add our 13 yo DD to Facebook (none of his family will) and he took his exp (older DC mother) side when she was phoning my DD 3 years ago and calling her and me names (she told me to kill myself and called my beautiful DD ugly and rude) she is FB friends with him btw.

The finally straw was this weekend when we had a gas leak and no heating and the electric was running out to power the fan heater the boiler company lent us. I asked him to borrow £10, but he was away untill Sunday, he still hasn't phoned to see how the DC are or if we have heating (DS almost died of pneumonia a few years back)

My children only have me in there life atm and I'm rubbish, I think they deserve better from their father.

How can I make him realize how he is treating them? Ny DD hates him and I'm just exhausted and struggling to cope again and think the kids should at least have a father they can rely on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 11:14:52

Of course he should be more supportive of his DCs and a better father but the sad fact is that he can't be bothered. If you keep hoping for him to step up to the plate you'll continue to be disappointed, as will your DCs. If you get shot of him & the rest of his dysfunctional family properly and rely on him for nothing I think you may find that you are all happier and more resourceful than you give yourself credit for.

You're not 'rubbish'..... remember you're the parent that stayed. You've taken on the responsibility & the pain rather than walk out of the door. If you're struggling to cope, call on all the agencies and support that you can. Doctors, social workers, the benefits system, your own friends and family... whatever & whoever it takes. Not him. He's a dead loss.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 11:15:49

Also... move back near your DM. I think you need her more than your bully of an ex.

He's not a father they can rely on though and nothing you do will change that. I wouldn't make yourself unhappy by trying to accommodate him.

Agree with move near people who care about you.

AmberLeaf Mon 09-Dec-13 11:24:03

You're not rubbish, you are the one holding your family together, it sounds like bloody hard work, but you are doing it all the same.

He sounds awful and your children deserve so much more.

Cogito is right, don't rely on this man for anything. If you write him off, then there will be no disappointment.

Get in touch with your Mum, it seems like maybe she anticipated that he wouldn't give you the support you need, sometimes Mums really do know best! There is no shame in making a mistake.

MotherofthreeDragons Mon 09-Dec-13 12:29:02

Thanks all, but I know I'm letting the DCs down, I'm just grumpy and snappy all the time sad

With regards to my mum, she said she will never forgive me for choosing him over her, I did offer to stay but asked her if she would help out some times with the DC, she said no, it's not her job, but I don't think I can cope. And yes Amber, she did say this would happen and was very happy that she was right when my DD texted her, I reply can't stand her laughing at my situation if I speak to her.

I get so angry at the ex as I can't understand how he could not treat the children the way he does his other two, i think my kids are amazing!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 12:50:33

If you can't rely on your DM or you ex then you can rely on yourself. If you're grumpy and snappy, talk to your kids. Tell them you're feeling a bit down and ratty.... children can be remarkably understanding & helpful when they get the opportunity. Also be kind to yourself. Find the joy in small things and appreciate yourself for the 101 things you are doing right rather than the 10 things you're getting wrong. Who have you asked for help so far?

Isetan Mon 09-Dec-13 13:46:02

He's another in a long line of feckless fathers but you gotta let go of the anger. I get the frustration, confusion and sheer rage you feel because this fuckwit has abdicated his parental responsibilities (been there, felt that and thankfully further along in the detachment process). I know its easier said then done but hanging on to the anger won't make him a better father and will grind you down further. Hoping this man will wake up and smell the coffee leaves you vulnerable because it makes you susceptible to his flannel the next time he decides to play at being a dad.

The sooner you detach and have no expectations of this man the sooner you will be able to support your children in lowering their expectations of him.

Being a single parent is hard, being a single parent with no support is harder. Cognito is right, pat yourself on the back for the many great things you do for your kids. I have never suffered with depression but there have been times when I have been so ground down with stress that I didn't want to get out of bed. I would set myself the goal of making DD laugh for a few minutes of a day; tickling, dancing in the living room to One direction songs (not my choice of music you understand) or watching Shaun the Sheep. There is nothing like the uncontrollable giggles of your children to lift the spirit.

Be kind to yourself.

MotherofthreeDragons Mon 09-Dec-13 14:06:40

Thank you Cogito I always apologize and give them a hug when I have snapped at them, but I shouldn't do it in the first place. My DD1 is amazing, so helpful and understanding but she should be enjoying her childhood now worrying about why mummy is crying again sad

EXP has always taken his other DC out to gigs and out with friends, think it would do DD the world of good to do something like that, I can't do it with her as I have the younger two and couldn't afford it anyway

I haven't asked anyone for help, I have no one to ask unfortunately.

MotherofthreeDragons Mon 09-Dec-13 14:10:51

Isetan I don't know how to let o of the anger, he is a constant reminder when he does decide to call or visit.
The Expectations are there as I remember the 10 years of us being there for his older DC and he was/is wonderful with them and I can't shift that from my head esp when my own DD has such an awful life sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 09-Dec-13 14:21:34

"My DD1 is amazing, so helpful and understanding but she should be enjoying her childhood now worrying about why mummy is crying again"

Look at it from a kid's point of view. They wear their hearts on their sleeves. When they're upset and hurting, they let it all out. She knows you're there with the kisses and making it all better when she needs comforting and, bless her, she's doing the same for you. Isn't that a lovely thing? Such kind, thoughtful children. You're also apologising and giving them hugs which is very constructive... they learn a lot from that how to treat others. When you feel even a little stronger make sure you do something nice for them, even if it's just producing a packet of their favourite biscuits of watching a TV programme with them under a blanket. They know you love them and this will bring you all very close.

Isetan Mon 09-Dec-13 14:53:40

I was with my EX for nearly 10 years and he wasn't always a feckless dick but he is one now and I can only respond to the person he is now, not who he was way back when. Its a process and it takes time, I seriously wish I had a remote control over that period of my life so I could fast forward over the despair, anger, frustration and guilt. However, I needed to feel all those emotions to get where I am today. I'm not saying that his continued poor treatment of DD doesn't make me mad (If I dwell on it the rage doesn't take to long to surface) but I choose not to dwell on it because it doesn't change anything except making me a very angry mummy and she's no fun.

Letting go, isn't about forgetting the past, its about accepting and living in the present. You have had and are having a hard time but it will get better. it really will.

Isetan Mon 09-Dec-13 14:54:58

Oh and if he wants contact he needs to stick to a schedule, dropping in and out of their lives is not an option.

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