Lonely

[Anotherbloke99]

I am desperately lonely in my marriage. I love DW so much. No-one else compares. But we somehow don't connect anymore. We went without sex for two years and without any other real physical contact either. That side of our relationship took a knock with arrival of DS but he is now 7. Intimacy has recovered recently a bit. We had marvellous sex, loving and sexy on summer hols, but a drunken row, ( her drunk not me, I haven't drunk for 5 years) drove us apart soon after and we have been recovering ever since. I have not been a perfect Husband over the years. I did used to drink and when very drunk could be emotionally abusive. I gave up which allowed me to see my underlying condition which is that I am mildly bi-polar, which is still very hard for her. I know that condition has made it harder for her to trust me emotionally and to feel she can rely on me. Sadly she is the person I need when my mood is disordered, but it tends to drive her away. I have stopped drinking as I mentioned and lost weight recently - I was never fat but I developed a belly which I have lost and returned to my very skinny former shape. Despite this I feel I am not actually attractive to her physically or emotionally for the reasons mentioned. Were it not for DS I am sure she would have left me, though oddly I do not doubt she loves me. It is just the spark of passion, has gone from her side. I may be odd, but I still feel as thrilled and excited by her as I did in our early days - 20 years ago. I have always suspected she may have been unfaithful once or twice - she was sexually experienced and seemingly uninhibited when I met her. But she insists there has never been anyone else and I have no grounds to disbelieve her. Those irrational fears of course may be worsened by my mild depressions or even entirely caused by them. I am not asking for specific solutions. I just wanted to share. I fear that my mental health means I can never have the closeness I crave.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Closeness means being interested in the other person, not yourself. There's a lot about your feelings in the above but, when it comes to her feelings, you seem to be working on a lot of assumptions. You say you love her but you don't sound like you know her very well at all. To me, the drunken holiday row has the hallmarks of the explosive, unhealthy reaction of someone who has been suppressing their emotions for a long time..... a 'volcano' of resentment. You don't mention what triggered the row but I would be willing to bet it was something relatively trivial.

You describe yourself as 'not the perfect husband', emotionally abusive when you were drinking, and using your DW as your crutch for your condition. You've accused her of infidelity. Over the years something has reduced a sexually uninhibited woman to someone who has closed down physically & emotionally.... you don't seem to be at all clear what .... and yet you lose a few lbs and are expecting 'spark'?

I'd suggest you stop thinking about yourself, listen - and I mean really listen - to your DW, and give her the opportunity to say what she actually thinks. Not what she thinks she should say to keep the family together, fix your problems, or to tip-toe around your MH issues.

[onetiredmummy]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way

Your post reads as though its very much all about you, what you need when you are disordered, what you want in the bedroom, what you want her to be... there's nothing in there that makes me feel as though you have given much thought to what she wants or needs.

I'm glad you have given up drinking & got back into shape, that's great but clearly she isn't going to spring back into who you want now you have made those changes. Is it possible you have underestimated the effect of your drinking or emotional abuse, so while you have recognized & dealt with it she is still recovering/harbouring resentment from it?

I think all you can do is talk to her & try to understand what she thinks the problems are, then you can try to move on together.