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I'm going to be honest

(76 Posts)
headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 08:45:36

I'm going to be 100% honest because I'm pretty close to a break down and I need actual advice. So I'm not going to gloss over and make things to be better than they are.

I don't want to be married anymore. I'm desperately unhappy, but I can't see a way out of it, apart from just not being alive anymore, I know that sounds dramatic but I said I'd be 100% honest and I have been thinking about it.

I've been married for 5 and a half years, together for nearly 8. My husband is stroppy, controlling and uses emotional blackmail constantly. But he's also a very good father, provides for us all. From the outside we look perfect. He does his fair share of housework/childcare, I can't fault him on that.

He doesn't like me seeing my friends. Constantly tells me we don't spend enough time together (I go out maybe once a week, twice maximum). All other evenings are spent with him.
I'm at university, he says he's supportive, pays for stuff for my course but when I have to go into uni early or stay later it goes back to the 'we never spend time together'. I don't know what he wants? If I don't work I'll fail. And I worked so hard to get into uni.

He's controlling about when I go out. He has to pick me up, he doesn't particularly like it when I make my own way there but sometimes I do. He guilts me into being picked up by midnight every time. I never ever give him a time to be home.

When I get in the car it's a million and one questions about who was there, who I hung out with, what I was doing. He's obsessed with my guy friends, he never asks about my girl friends. I went out a couple of weeks ago with a very good guy friend of mine from uni (dh has met his gf, spent time with him etc). I wore a skirt and tights, I always wear shorts over my tights to keep them up. When I got home dh was convinced that when I left my shorts were underneath my tights (they weren't, that would defeat the purpose) and he was OBSSESED with it. The next day he said he was sorry he didn't know why he was like it. Then for the next hour he kept asking questions about what I would do if he cheated on me. It was all very weird.

But nothing's change since the apology, or ever tbh, he's always been like this.
I can't take anymore, I feel like a prisoner.
I can't leave. We live with MIlL (to save for a house and so I could go to uni). If I left I'd have to leave uni because I have no money, nowhere to go. My Ds has mild sn and moving would completely disrupt him. I don't want to leave uni because it's the only thing that's keeping me happy and sane at the moment.

I don't know what to do. Right now he knows something is wrong and is trying to buy my affections which is just pissing me off even more.

Reading back it doesn't sound bad and I know some people have it so much worse, but 8 years really wares sways at you.

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 08:46:37

Oh and when I've said I'm leaving before he's threatened to hurt/kill himself.
When we argue he drives off really fast and scary.

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 08:52:17

Sorry I keep finding things to add.
I would have to leave uni because I have no money for a deposit for a place. No one to watch the kids when I'm at uni, no one to get them from school/ nursery because I am at uni everyday 9-5. I couldn't afford all the stuff I need for my course (it's a very expensive course). Dh would purposely make it all very difficult for me if I left I think.
I can't leave, it's the only thing that makes me not want to kill myself at the moment. I sound like an awful person sorry.

scaevola Sun 08-Dec-13 08:54:23

Well, you know you have to leave. You don't appear to be immediately under threat.

So you have planning time.

For starters: when will you graduate, and what is recruitment like in the sector/s you hope to work in?

scaevola Sun 08-Dec-13 08:56:23

You don't sound remotely like an awful person. Just someone who is very unhappy and who has (temporarily) lost the ability to see a way ahead and make the plans needed to turn the preferred future into reality.

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 08:56:31

It's pretty good, 90% of people from my uni leave with job offers. And my degree can be used for so many different jobs. I'm 2 and a half years from graduating though.
I'm not sure how much more of this I can put up with, definitely not 2 and a half years.

MuffCakes Sun 08-Dec-13 08:57:28

Can you not get a student loan?

You do need to leave. Being a broke single studying mum sounds a walk in the park compared to being married to your husband.

Joysmum Sun 08-Dec-13 09:00:22

Of course there's a way for you to leave if you want to, but there's not a way to leave without your life changing and maybe needing to lose the things that work for you as things stand.

So, what do you want? Do you want to be free of him but forego the things you currently benefit from, or is it more important to be free. If it's more important to be free then get advice about how to leave as plenty of women with children do so it's not impossible and you do have a choice.

Cabrinha Sun 08-Dec-13 09:00:23

You don't sound awful.
Driving in a way to deliberately scare you is a red flag. You could make bunting from the number of red flags there. It sounds awful sad
Can you speak to Women's Aid for advice? My worry for you is that this will escalate - but tbh, if it stayed the same it's easily bad enough.
How much longer have you got to go on your course?
Can you speak to someone (via the union maybe?) or your course tutor? Maybe there's something there to help - insure crèche maybe?
Are you stashing money when you can? Cash back on food shopping? If he's generous with gifts at the moment in "apology" see if you can swing it to easily re-sold items.
Where are your parents in all of this? Will they help you?
This is a horrible way to live.

tribpot Sun 08-Dec-13 09:01:01

Reading back it doesn't sound bad

It does sound bad. It sounds dreadful.

Uni is your crutch in your current situation but you have to make changes, and you may find the loss of uni in return for your freedom makes the sacrifice worthwhile.

wallypops Sun 08-Dec-13 09:01:02

I have no advice to give really, just wanted you know that I'm here for hand holding, until others more qualified come along.

What year are you in at Uni, and would you realistically be able to get a job on leaving?
How much childcare does your MIL do?

If you did leave your husband would still be obliged to pay for quite a lot of things, so you would be unlikely to be as poor as you imagine. I think the best advice is to go and see a lawyer, find out exactly where you would stand if you did leave, by contacting CAB etc. It might help you feel less helpless and putting in place a good plan for leaving takes time, so it can be your freedom project to get done alongside your uni stuff.

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 09:01:20

I already have the maxium student loan. That just about covers my daughters nursery fees (which is only two days a week) and my equipment, throw in rent and full time nursery, it's impossible. I rely heavily on MIL for childcare while I'm at uni, she picks them up and keeps them until I get home. Dh takes off two days in the week for the rest of the childcare, take that out and it's impossible for me to stay at uni. Plus last time we moved it disrupted my Ds so much, he already has unbearable rage episodes (which we are seeing the dr about) I can't deal with that on my own.

stripeylion3 Sun 08-Dec-13 09:04:02

Would going part time and working part time be an option ?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Dec-13 09:05:06

So sorry. No real advice but please know there is a way out. You just can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.

Start planning. Could you go part time at uni?

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 09:06:19

No, it's a pretty full on course. I could probably work weekends but then where would the kids be?
I absolutely cannot give up uni, I would rather stay for 2 and a half years than leave uni.
I've had a horrible childhood, messed up school, done everything wrong, I worked hard to get where I am, very hard, I finally feel like I'm where I'm meant to be. I can't leave sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 08-Dec-13 09:13:59

Be honest. If you're serious about being suicidal already, sticking around for another 2.5 years and you won't make the end of the course. hmm Your mental health has to come first because you are no good to yourself, your kids or anything else if you're dead The uni course is obviously very important to you & I'm sure you work very hard but if your mental wellbeing means you have to postpone your studies by a year until you are back on your feet with grants or whatever, then wouldn't that be worth it? Use your resilience constructively rather than wasting it on maintaining the status quo?

Please get proper advice rather than getting stuck in doom scenarios. Advice from solicitors about your exH's financial responsibilities, advice from your uni tutors about the help for lone parent students, advice from Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 about other options open to you.

MuffCakes Sun 08-Dec-13 09:14:36

Can you change the course to part time so you can work part time to? Have a look into single parent burserys as well. You might get more help.

How old is the dc in childcare, you might qualify for the 2yr old grant of 15 hours once your a single mum.

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 09:19:34

How immediate would grants etc take to kick in? Because I had so much trouble getting my loan. I don't want to take
Time out/go part time, uni is the only thing that is keeping me going atm. I know it sounds stupid but that's how it is.

I'm halfway through a term now, I don't think I could
Find a place for me and the kids in time for the next term
To start, or sort out childcare. My Ds goes to school in a town 7 miles away and dds nursery is an hours walk away from uni in the opposite direction. The uni nursery has no spaces. I'm stuck until at least next year.

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 09:20:23

Next school year I mean.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 08-Dec-13 09:24:32

You need to go back to 'information'. If you talk to your uni Student Services team they will be able to advise you about grants, bursaries and extra help. Currently you're a married woman with access to money. When your status changes to lone parent of a SN child with no fixed income beyond benefits, this opens up funds that aren't currently available to you. Maintenance from an exH is not currently regarded as income for benefit purposes. You may not currently own a property, you and your DH but the 'marital assets' definition means that anything you have currently saved up between you would be split in the event of a divorce.... a solicitor would be able to give you more accurate information.

So step back from the 'doom scenarios' and assumptions & get back to 'information'. Even if you don't part ways straight away, this knowledge will give you confidence.

JaceyBee Sun 08-Dec-13 09:26:03

When I was at uni and a parent I got a parent learning allowance grant. Can you have a chat with someone from student support services and talk through your options? Also, stop pandering to his controlling ways. If he wants to sulk, let him. What's mils role in this? Does she back him up? Would she be on your side do you think?

headdesk Sun 08-Dec-13 09:30:31

Mil stays out if it, I don't think she knows what he's like. I get on very well with mil, she adores the kids and helps out a lot.
I don't have any parents I can ask for help from (someone asked further up the thread).
The problem really isn't just the money it's the logistics. I don't drive, Ds and dds school and nursery are in complete opposite directions, it takes an hour to walk to dds nursery and you can't walk to ds's school. (He's due to move to a closer one in sept next year). It would be impossible to get them there and me at uni in time.

I'm a LP and a full time student and I get housing benefit, child tax credit and I also have a career development loan despite having a mediocre credit rating. Have you looked into benefits for students?

You should not put up with another 2 1/2 minutes of him let alone 2 1/2 years. There'll be another reason then not to go and the longer you remain in this the worst it will be for you and your kids.

My guess is that he has been abusive from the get go but it was simply not recognised by you and perhaps even minimised. Abusers also tend to ramp up the power and control ante over time, you were also targeted by him. Perhaps you were in a bad place yourself when you met him and saw him as a knight in shining armour.

I would not rely on his mother at all, she'll probably back him over you. She may well be controlling herself; her son learnt this from somewhere i.e his parents.

He is abusive and he is also not a good father to his children; women in your type of situation often write the "good dad" comment when they themselves can think of NOTHING positive to write about their man. He is patently not a good father to them either, infact he is teaching them how to be victims of abuse as well as yourself.

Please call Womens Aid because they can and will help you here. The first step out is often the hardest one to take but take it you must before he completely destroys you all by his control. You need proper information and facts; not doom scenarios and supposition. Talk to your university as well. Your situation is not hopeless at all but things cannot remain as they are, there will be changes. Yours and your childrens safety, freedom and happiness is and remains of paramount importance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 08-Dec-13 09:37:52

Don't forget that, post separation, your DH would still be responsible for 50% of the childcare, physically and/or financially (if that would mean nursery). So your now ex-MIL could carry on as she is and his maintenance payments could pick up the tab for nursery. There may be solutions to the transport problem that you've not considered e.g. negotiating a contract with a local cab firm.

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