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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband suddenly gone cold ,wants to leave and threatens to take children

58 replies

Daydream007 · 07/12/2013 22:02

Husband has become increasingly abusive, controlling and aggressive towards me since having money worries and the stress of a new business. He has threatened to take the children from me when his business starts doing well and leave me with nothing. Since September we have spent less time together due to exhaustion of working long hours and a big commute,we don't see much of each other but when we do we are both too tired and stressed to talk properly.He shouts at me and causes arguments over nothing. I'm worried that this atmosphere is damaging to the children and all I want for them is a loving environment . He has told me he wants me out of their lives because I don't do enough for him. I do pretty much everything.I've stopped being physical with him because I have shut off from him emotionally so he can't hurt me. He has started to make things up about me and has said he wants to destroy me. How can someone change like this? He admitted depression years ago and he still is depressed but he has said that he doesn't want to see a doctor because it will go on his record.he is stressed and is using me to vent his frustrations . Advice please.

OP posts:

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MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 22:06

cherchez la femme

sorry, love

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 07/12/2013 22:10

daydream sorry you are going through this. you might find the emotional abuse support thread helpful.
A lot of this e.g.accusing you of not doing enough whilst leaving you to everything is classic EA behaviour, as is threatening to take the dcs.

And yes, sorry this is damaging to the kids. his behaviour, which is not your fault, is damaging to them and to you. you May need to consider how you and they get away fromthis situation.

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyDilbert · 07/12/2013 22:12

this isn't depression, sorry, he is just being plain nasty. I think he has someone else too :( Get yourself to a solicitor and pronto is my advice - and no he won't be able to take the children from you nor leave you with nothing. Please don't be bullied any more.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 22:22

I'm really sorry OP it sounds awful. Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

This is emotional abuse. I don't think this is about depression, although he may well be depressed too, the vast majority of depressed people do not behave like this.

Please be assured that he cannot take the children.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 22:35

And no can't change him the only thing you can do is get out, safely.

When you contact Women's Aid ask them for legal advice, they will be able to recommend solicitors who specialise in abuse.

I would also suggest you visit your GP and tell a) about your concerns for his mental health and b) your concerns that the abuse may be damaging the children.

This is important because you may qualify for legal aid as you are in an abusive relationship, and the fact of it needs to be logged with your GP etc.

Whatnext074 · 07/12/2013 22:38

I'm sorry Daydream, my H was the same to me for 2 months. I thought he was depressed too due to personal circumstances, stress at work and long commute, until I found out about his OW. I hope I'm wrong in your case.

Fairylea · 07/12/2013 22:38

There's another woman and he is trying to make you make him leave so he can play the poor hard done by one and then swan off to suddenly find new love. Surprisingly quickly.

He is being an arse. I am so sorry.

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyDilbert · 07/12/2013 22:43

my ex did the same too - and blamed his depression on me. Not depressed, just an unfaithful abuser sadly - well rid.

wonderingagain · 07/12/2013 22:46

Regarding threatening to take the children, he is projecting, imagining that that's what you will do to him if you separate.

You say he is abusive, controlling and aggressive. It's clear your relationship is at an end, if he is doing this stuff you need to get as much as you can of this behaviour on record so that when you separate it will be clear to those making decisions about your children.

Be careful, he sounds unpredictable and scary.

Bustedmonkey · 07/12/2013 22:47

Apart from EA-ing you, does he function properly and is fine with others? However, if he's generally become like this then I think its delusional paranoia and wont admit anything is wrong with he thinks feels and 'knows'. I think your best bet is to speak to his friends and other family to find out how he is with them and get to him to a doctor.

Goodluck.

SandyDilbert · 07/12/2013 22:48

op - please come back - so sorry if this all seems so brutal. Sadly the script he is following is predictable, and sadly many of us have walked in your shoes.

Mine threatened to take my daughter - hasn't bothered with her for nearly 2 years.

Please do speak to Women's Aid, they are invaluable and will help you.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 07/12/2013 22:50

What is so wrong with these men? How are they being brought up that they think this is an okay way to behave to their children's mothers?

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daydream007 · 07/12/2013 22:59

Thank you all so much for your support, I'm overwhelmed. All your posts have been a wake up call to me.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 07/12/2013 23:04

I'd definitely ring women's aid and also go for a one off meeting with a solicitor to see where you would stand following a split.

I know how painful this all must be for you. Many years ago now my now ex walked out on me for an ex he met on Facebook after behaving very oddly for a while. He up and left in about 4 weeks. Haven't heard from him since. Left me with 26k of debt. Threatened to steal dd away to Thailand. I was petrified. ..He hasn't been in touch with her since he left!

I am now remarried and have a gorgeous son with my new dh and dd is very happy and settled.

You will get through this. I promise.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 23:06

Legal Aid is available for victims of domestic abuse, the definition and criteria to qualify are here:
Link

Daydream007 · 07/12/2013 23:07

He has suffered with depression on and off for years and has behaved irrationally throughout our marriage. When my first child was born he said my mother was interfering at the hospital and stopped me and baby from seein her for a year, he just cut her off completely threatening divorce and custody if I made contact with her. I now see my mum and he is ok with this because she helps with child care .I'm broken hearted now as he has cut off my father and has stopped the children from seeing him, my son is deeply upset by this too . H has threatened that I'd be on my own without the children if we see my dad again. He fell out with my dad because my dad told him he couldn't help us financially any more .

OP posts:

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EirikurNoromaour · 07/12/2013 23:12

You know he's bullshitting about taking the children don't you? The very most he would get would be 50:50 and if you are the main carer/sahp and he works he'd be unlikely to get that. Every other weekend and sometimes a night in the week seems standard.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 23:14

He can't stop you from seeing your family and he can't take your children.

I wouldn't make a stand right this minute about your father, because he sounds volatile and it may provoke him, but I would put your energy into ending this relationship safely.

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SandyDilbert · 07/12/2013 23:15

I agree - get yourself and your children to safety and then get back in touch with your father.

wonderingagain · 07/12/2013 23:16

Daydream why does he think he will get custody?

Daydream007 · 07/12/2013 23:50

He threatens custody on the grounds of him having a superior earning power to me and being able to afford the best lawyer. Also an ability to provide better for them in terms of financial security when his business takes off. He says I'm thick and useless. He is very manipulative with the children. On the last bank holiday I'd been to the park with the children and arrived home later than he wanted although we hadn't set a time. It was after lunch and he was hungry. He was furious and threatened to leave and took the children out of bed at 3am and said he would take them if I didn't apologise for being selfish by not being home for lunch.the children were shocked and upset after being woken by their dad who asked them who they would rather go with mummy or daddy. Both upset said they wanted no one to go and wanted us all to stay together. He repeatedly asked them until they both gave in and said daddy. He now uses this against me but I know they were both pressurised and scared as he was quite forceful. I'm angry that he uses the children as pawns on a chest board.They should not have been brought into any argument like that as they are only children.

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