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Husband suddenly gone cold ,wants to leave and threatens to take children

(59 Posts)
Daydream007 Sat 07-Dec-13 22:02:59

Husband has become increasingly abusive, controlling and aggressive towards me since having money worries and the stress of a new business. He has threatened to take the children from me when his business starts doing well and leave me with nothing. Since September we have spent less time together due to exhaustion of working long hours and a big commute,we don't see much of each other but when we do we are both too tired and stressed to talk properly.He shouts at me and causes arguments over nothing. I'm worried that this atmosphere is damaging to the children and all I want for them is a loving environment . He has told me he wants me out of their lives because I don't do enough for him. I do pretty much everything.I've stopped being physical with him because I have shut off from him emotionally so he can't hurt me. He has started to make things up about me and has said he wants to destroy me. How can someone change like this? He admitted depression years ago and he still is depressed but he has said that he doesn't want to see a doctor because it will go on his record.he is stressed and is using me to vent his frustrations . Advice please.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 07-Dec-13 22:06:06

cherchez la femme

sorry, love sad

MrsMinkBernardLundy Sat 07-Dec-13 22:10:23

daydream sorry you are going through this. you might find the emotional abuse support thread helpful.
A lot of this e.g.accusing you of not doing enough whilst leaving you to everything is classic EA behaviour, as is threatening to take the dcs.

And yes, sorry this is damaging to the kids. his behaviour, which is not your fault, is damaging to them and to you. you May need to consider how you and they get away fromthis situation.

brokenhearted55a Sat 07-Dec-13 22:12:08

I agree. Stress / depression my arse. its another woman.

SandyDilbert Sat 07-Dec-13 22:12:16

this isn't depression, sorry, he is just being plain nasty. I think he has someone else too sad Get yourself to a solicitor and pronto is my advice - and no he won't be able to take the children from you nor leave you with nothing. Please don't be bullied any more.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 22:22:08

I'm really sorry OP it sounds awful. Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

This is emotional abuse. I don't think this is about depression, although he may well be depressed too, the vast majority of depressed people do not behave like this.

Please be assured that he cannot take the children.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 22:35:48

And no can't change him the only thing you can do is get out, safely.

When you contact Women's Aid ask them for legal advice, they will be able to recommend solicitors who specialise in abuse.

I would also suggest you visit your GP and tell a) about your concerns for his mental health and b) your concerns that the abuse may be damaging the children.

This is important because you may qualify for legal aid as you are in an abusive relationship, and the fact of it needs to be logged with your GP etc.

Whatnext074 Sat 07-Dec-13 22:38:02

I'm sorry Daydream, my H was the same to me for 2 months. I thought he was depressed too due to personal circumstances, stress at work and long commute, until I found out about his OW. I hope I'm wrong in your case.

Fairylea Sat 07-Dec-13 22:38:31

There's another woman and he is trying to make you make him leave so he can play the poor hard done by one and then swan off to suddenly find new love. Surprisingly quickly.

He is being an arse. I am so sorry.

brokenhearted55a Sat 07-Dec-13 22:41:58

Got it fairylea. that's exactly what my.ex did to me.

Dumped me.for.shouting at him.and.not being supportive enough...the poor little love.

It was another woman and.he didn't have the balls to.end it.

SandyDilbert Sat 07-Dec-13 22:43:13

my ex did the same too - and blamed his depression on me. Not depressed, just an unfaithful abuser sadly - well rid.

wonderingagain Sat 07-Dec-13 22:46:39

Regarding threatening to take the children, he is projecting, imagining that that's what you will do to him if you separate.

You say he is abusive, controlling and aggressive. It's clear your relationship is at an end, if he is doing this stuff you need to get as much as you can of this behaviour on record so that when you separate it will be clear to those making decisions about your children.

Be careful, he sounds unpredictable and scary.

Bustedmonkey Sat 07-Dec-13 22:47:45

Apart from EA-ing you, does he function properly and is fine with others? However, if he's generally become like this then I think its delusional paranoia and wont admit anything is wrong with he thinks feels and 'knows'. I think your best bet is to speak to his friends and other family to find out how he is with them and get to him to a doctor.

Goodluck.

SandyDilbert Sat 07-Dec-13 22:48:47

op - please come back - so sorry if this all seems so brutal. Sadly the script he is following is predictable, and sadly many of us have walked in your shoes.

Mine threatened to take my daughter - hasn't bothered with her for nearly 2 years.

Please do speak to Women's Aid, they are invaluable and will help you.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sat 07-Dec-13 22:50:08

sad What is so wrong with these men? How are they being brought up that they think this is an okay way to behave to their children's mothers?

brokenhearted55a Sat 07-Dec-13 22:58:14

I.don't think legal aid is available for private divorce / children anymore.

Daydream007 Sat 07-Dec-13 22:59:08

Thank you all so much for your support, I'm overwhelmed. All your posts have been a wake up call to me.

Fairylea Sat 07-Dec-13 23:04:26

I'd definitely ring women's aid and also go for a one off meeting with a solicitor to see where you would stand following a split.

I know how painful this all must be for you. Many years ago now my now ex walked out on me for an ex he met on Facebook after behaving very oddly for a while. He up and left in about 4 weeks. Haven't heard from him since. Left me with 26k of debt. Threatened to steal dd away to Thailand. I was petrified. ..He hasn't been in touch with her since he left!

I am now remarried and have a gorgeous son with my new dh and dd is very happy and settled.

You will get through this. I promise.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 23:06:56

Legal Aid is available for victims of domestic abuse, the definition and criteria to qualify are here:
Link

Daydream007 Sat 07-Dec-13 23:07:18

He has suffered with depression on and off for years and has behaved irrationally throughout our marriage. When my first child was born he said my mother was interfering at the hospital and stopped me and baby from seein her for a year, he just cut her off completely threatening divorce and custody if I made contact with her. I now see my mum and he is ok with this because she helps with child care .I'm broken hearted now as he has cut off my father and has stopped the children from seeing him, my son is deeply upset by this too . H has threatened that I'd be on my own without the children if we see my dad again. He fell out with my dad because my dad told him he couldn't help us financially any more .

brokenhearted55a Sat 07-Dec-13 23:09:38

You need to leave.

You know he's bullshitting about taking the children don't you? The very most he would get would be 50:50 and if you are the main carer/sahp and he works he'd be unlikely to get that. Every other weekend and sometimes a night in the week seems standard.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 23:14:04

He can't stop you from seeing your family and he can't take your children.

I wouldn't make a stand right this minute about your father, because he sounds volatile and it may provoke him, but I would put your energy into ending this relationship safely.

SandyDilbert Sat 07-Dec-13 23:15:54

I agree - get yourself and your children to safety and then get back in touch with your father.

wonderingagain Sat 07-Dec-13 23:16:58

Daydream why does he think he will get custody?

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