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DH don't trust me

(52 Posts)
FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 17:33:07

I don't know what I have to do in order for him to.

Any tips will really help.

We have been together 10 years, married for 2. Have 2 children together.

The only places I go is work, family members and the school run. Very rare I go out with friends.

I have never told him lies and the only secrets are gift wise.

I don't hide my phone and there is no password on my phone when at home only when I am out and he knows the password. He knows all my email account details. Nothing is a secret.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Sat 07-Dec-13 17:37:02

So he tells you he doesn't trust you? Does he stop you from going out, seeing friends or family?

cozietoesie Sat 07-Dec-13 17:38:18

How is he demonstrating that he doesn't trust you, Forty ? And how long has this been going on for?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 17:39:02

He doesn't but the next day I end up feeling guilty because of it.

cozietoesie Sat 07-Dec-13 17:40:09

If you're 'feeling guilty' then there's something not right. What is he doing or saying?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 17:40:28

I have to say over a year.

Last Christmas he accused me of cheating and we had a very heated argument.

It seems like every time I go out.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 17:42:37

He basically says that I make him feel suspicious.

I will say I be home but 11, but as it's not often I do go out I tend to let the time run away, so don't come home till later than that.

He ask me repeatly where was I from 11-2 which I answer the same every time.

BohemianGirl Sat 07-Dec-13 17:50:56

Why is he insecure? previous relationship? parental relationship? is he just a bit iffy about the time?

TBH if hes working an you are at home all day - you could be shagging the milkman, postman, bloke in the corner shop and he woudlnt know - so getting merry with your girlfriends once a year and being late home isnt going to make you play away from home.

On the other hand, living with a neurotic, jealous, fuckwit would make me look to other avenues.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 17:57:43

It's getting to the point that I don't want to go out, it's not worth the hassle.

I don't want to split up over a few drinks, to brake my little family up in order to go out.

But I feel if there is not trust there isn't much of a relationship, I refuse to live the rest of my life on egg shells.

When did this all start, when he accused you of cheating or perhaps even before then?.

That's likely what he wants; for you not to go out. Its controlling behaviour on his part and controlling behaviour like he is showing you (he is perhaps all sweetness and light to the outside world) is abusive behaviour.

This man probably wants you in a cage of his own making.

He's already got you modifying your own behaviour and second guessing yourself. You are already living your life on eggshells which is really code for living in fear.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.

flippingebay Sat 07-Dec-13 18:09:21

And I bet you don't go out with friends because he doesn't trust you? Too much hassle to see friends as he doesn't trust you?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 18:09:37

I want him to trust me, to go back before all this bullshit started.

It took a lot for me to make new friends, reconnect with old friends and to start going out again after battling depression and body issues

flippingebay Sat 07-Dec-13 18:10:29

It's not that he doesn't trust you.. It's a way of controlling you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 07-Dec-13 18:11:38

This sounds like classic emotional bullying. Insecure, man whistles up some alleged 'offence' - in your case being unfaithful - and then uses it as a stick to keep you nicely nervous, eager to please and then under control. Very glad you're refusing to kow-tow to this rubbish. Tell him to grow up or push off.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 07-Dec-13 18:13:59

If you've overcome depression and body issues that makes a lot of sense. He probably liked you being dependent, vulnerable and lacking in confidence - bullies often do. If he finds a strong, happy, sociable you a big threat that's really unhealthy behaviour.

gamerchick Sat 07-Dec-13 18:16:23

Do not under any circumstance stop going out to keep the peace. This is his issue, don't make it yours.

Tell him to grow up I totally agree with pp and if he doesn't seek help for his issue then to stfu about it.

It'll end up killing your relationship and he needs to know that.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 18:30:05

I will not stay in to pacify him.

I am going out on 20th on a works night out, I am looking forward to it.

I am thinking of relate or couple kind of counselling.

I wish he would talk to me.

Why is it the person who you love the most can hurt you the worst.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 07-Dec-13 18:35:35

If you suggested couples counselling, what response do you think you'd get? Be honest. You are working from the belief that if he understood you better, he'd trust you more. Sadly, if you are being subjected to emotional bullying, he has zero interest in understanding or trusting. He thinks he has every right to stop you going out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 07-Dec-13 18:36:46

Of course, there is another explanation. Very common for those having affairs to try to divert attention by accusing their partners instead.....

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 07-Dec-13 18:46:53

Woah at the passive aggressive shit

And yh yh to what cogito says. I was accused of all sorts then found out it was him and numerous women.. Appears they like to divert your attention away from them or judge you by their own standards hmm

headdesk Sat 07-Dec-13 18:47:39

I could have written this myself. I have no advice because I'm trying to sort it out too.
Too much hassel to go out so I never bothered. But since I started uni it's been 100 x worse. We argue every day about it because apparently we never see each other. I go out maybe once a week, max 2 times, always have to be picked up by 12 or he gets stroppy, I'm never allowed to make my own way home, if I don't reply to texts then I get questioned about it non stop. I get quizzed when I get home 'who was there' 'what did you do' etc all with the pretence that he's just interested but I know him better than that.

Sorry went on my own little rant there. I really hope you sort it!

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 18:56:30

Welcome to the thread headdesk, hope together we will get it sorted.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 20:17:19

I just don't know how my perfect little life has came to this.

I am heart broken, can't stop crying and having heart palpations.

cozietoesie Sat 07-Dec-13 20:32:31

You said it's been a year or so since he started this. Is there any significance to that timing? eg anything happened around then?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 07-Dec-13 20:35:24

I don't know, my head hurts from thinking over and over.

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