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Narcissists and their rages(309 Posts)
For a number of reasons, I thought it might be a good idea to share our stories. I'll post one after this.
About 1 in 10 people have mental disorders, of a type that renders them incapable of seeing the world as others do. For them, all the world really is a stage: the men, women and children merely props for the drama going on in their heads. They can't see that things go on without their influence, or accept that other human beings feel & think independently. It's like the way young children think - and may well be caused by arrested emotional development.
For them, your every word and deed is scripted, by them. It's impossible to know exactly what your 'script' says. If you know them well, you can make a good guess but they will always surprise you by introducing another plot twist. (And anyway, who wants to live as a figment of somebody else's imagination?) When you step out of your appointed character - by having a thought or feeling of your own, for instance, or not being exactly where they wanted - they get terribly cross. It absolutely shakes their world; it's very distressing for them so they blame you for wrecking the world, like a temperamental director ranting at an opinionated actor.
The rage, the blame, the insults are never about you. Never. If you can manage to listen quietly, what you'll hear is this: "I wrote, cast and directed this scene. You're spoiling it for me!" You will also hear them tell you their insecurities - what they most dislike and fear about themselves, projected as if they were your faults, not theirs.
They usually forget what they said, or that they raged at all.
Please, do, share your stories of 'stepping out of character' and the Narcy rage that followed. You never know how many lightbulbs you might switch on
Ami your sister should see a solicitor about getting some justice for her treatment, either from SS who have failed her or from her parents. The process might make everyone wake up and coffee.
It is really sad when these crap parents divide the siblings in this way, I tend to advocate for siblings to do what they can and make contact outside the parents, even if it's stressful and uncomfortable. Imagine how your parents would respond if you were to tell them you were all meeting up - without them. A good, normal parent would respond to that with pride and support. A bad parent tries to keep all family contact 'in-house'.
But these narcs do choose their vocations don't they? Fostering and adopting is an ideal way to achieve instant power and control if that's they way you want your family life. As is teaching, especially in a boarding school or being a doctor, surgeon or someone with responsibility for someone's physical health.
Hello again, and welcome to what looks to be an interesting year
It's time for the post-Christmas fallout of relationships taking a sudden turn for the worse, family weirdnesses in high relief, and resolutions of one sort and another. I thought it might be worth bumping this thread.
I kept the festivities down to a barely-perceptible minimum. I maintained Zen-like equilibrium through the family gatherings, letting everybody do their disorderly thing without reaction. It was okay, but knackering! New Year, for me, triggers memories of millenium eve. XH2 was being an absolute arse; I was still in denial but acted out badly. Glad that's all over, though sorry I missed the celebration of a lifetime.
How was yours?
Hi garlic, glad you made it through ok.
Dh recovered from jet lag more quickly than expected due to another business trip...so I said "do you still not want to go to your folks' house?" He paused and said it was interesting how I asked that, but it was still a 'no'. The road there goes through the mountains and he does not like stressing about winter weather on the 500+ mile drive, so I may be in the clear for Christmas/New Years indefinitely! <<tries not to giggle with glee too much as to jinx my luck>>
We had the most laid back, relaxed holiday...it was nice. Just us, no visitors. So what the gingerbread house didn't get made and the Christmas roast ended up being beef tips over rice...it was still all good.
Our Mike Leigh christmas loomed, and I dreaded the family do. Mum was ill so I had to tell everyone to keep it short. She spent a while upstairs I thought on the loo but now realise she was probably crying for the lost ones, there are quite a few now. Regretted not checking up on her. Our broken maternal Christmas eve event has been marred in recent years by manic woman but she turned up late, this gave me time to bond with the nice family members. Two jealous sils didn't cross my path thisyear thank god. The assertiveness has paid off, the narcs have slunk away, cursing and trying to discredit me but at least we had a good chat and a bit of a laugh. Dp said I ignored him. No, I just talk to nice people now. Christmas day I gave up wooing people round, same for new years and it was just us with the obligatory phonecall to the mil clan.
Sounds like a very good outcome, AndTheBand! Who needs all that stressful driving, when you can lie on your own sofa and eat spare ribs?!
"Mike Leigh Christmas" - perfect, passedgo He was the absolute master of dysfunctional British relationships, wasn't he? Not quite so amusing when you're in the middle of it, however ... And THE ASSERTIVENESS PAID OFF! YAY!!! Congratulations!
Maybe you can stick a spruce tree up DP's arse next year and cover him with glitter?
My mil is a classic narc.. Favours first borns , not interested in second borns.. Rants on phone after smiling to your face the same day then will deny it if called up on it.. She hates me but is always telling me I'm beautiful and slim .. She believes and tells everyone she is a fabulous parent and grandparent .. She is soooo not .. Forgot ds ( second born ) birthday and when we called to check she was ok she blamed us for telling her the wrong date .. I could go on !!!! She has no idea she is like this and plays the victim to anyone who will listen as both her dc have given up on her ( justifiably ) and she tells everyone thy are evil and she has done nothing wrong!!
It is sad, isn't it, bish? To lose her family's trust & goodwill, all because her mind's running on the wrong track & she simply cannot see it. Horrible for everyone around her, of course Whereabouts does your DH come in her pecking order?
My family scapegoats the first-borns! Seen it in three generations now, and no indication it's going to change. We, the eldest, are the family 'sin eaters' and only we can see what this does to us! I foresee my dotage as unpaid counsellor to all the first-born great-nieces & nephews ...
We don't have contact now , my dh has given up .. I have always tried to stick up for her but the final straw was when my dad died in June we called to tell her ( we have been together 20 years and all live in the. Same village .. She knew him every very well) I was listening for condolences .. They didn't come , she said oh well he did drink too much !!!!!!! For me that is unforgivable so because I haven't encouraged him he hasn't contacted her ... Game for her she has 5 fc and has lost it all through her own behaviour which she just doesn't know ..... Also her second husband I think is a narc too and feeds her crazy ideas ..
Shame not game and dgc not fc! Stupid phone .
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