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Crazy and controlling dh - relatively minor incident but please help me cope

(108 Posts)
princessx Wed 04-Dec-13 23:38:27

I need to share my husband's (he is definitely not dh) unbearable behaviour. Hopefully someone can help me cope.

Background: we have a terrible relationship anyway and I've actually filed for divorce 2 yrs ago but didn't take it any further.

I had to make an important phone call tonight and I needed to get the children asleep first. There was no way round it, I had to tell H my plan, knowing that would be an open invitation to him to try and ruin things.

I simply wanted to say: I'll get the kids alseep as normal. Then I'll phone the woman. Please could you deal with the kids if they wake up.

Well, that meant he came into my room under the pretext of wanting to see the kids and spent an hour having a go at me about anything that came into his head. Then when there was only 45 mins to go until I had to make the call he cranked up a gear and started getting hysterical with the kids screaming and laughing. Winding them up as much as he could.
Finally he left the room and I was settling them down (I have a toddler and a baby) then when I'd turned the light out he came in turning on the light saying he needed some socks and having a go at me for not having washed enough socks for him, even though I'd specifically left a clean pair on his bed to avoid this very situation. By this point there was only 10 mins until I had to make the call. I ended up shouting at him to leave the room as I had to bf baby to sleep. Cue him to have a massive go at me for shouting in front of the children.

I slowly bf baby to sleep knowing I've already missed the agreed time for the call. Next minute H turns on all the lights in the hall and baby's room and starts hoovering with our really powerful dyson. Last time H hoovered? Never.

He knew I had to transfer the baby from my bed into his cot in the next room. This is almost impossible even with complete darkness and silence. I get out of bed leaving baby precariously in my bed next to my wide awake toddler to plead with him to stop.

Finally get baby into cot and make call 30mins later than I should have, only for baby to wake up during the call. H hollers for me to get baby for ages, as painful as it is for me to leave the baby, I ignore both of them. Next minute H has brought screaming baby into my face and stays holding him there, forcing me to end the call.

This situation is so much worse because it was H who was forcing me to make this call in the first place, and who put me in a situation where I had to make the call.

Can you believe the stress I'm living under? Can anyone help me cope?

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult, but none of my friends can appreciate what that really means. But this is the sort of behaviour that turns you mad.

sicily1921 Mon 16-Dec-13 14:43:28

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult

I wouldn't want to read about a major one OP and just one question, not advice as I think you know what you need to do ...do you want to be driven to madness?

Glenshee Mon 16-Dec-13 14:21:24

tinmug, springythatlldo,

You are absolutely right - MH issues (if they exist) - shouldn't be the primary concern for OP at this time. I'm sorry if my post suggested otherwise.

I also agree that it would be extremely unlikely for a person like this to be willing to admit their issues and to work on treating them.

What I wanted to say is that this kind of behaviour is NOT normal. And so dealing with it in a normal kind of way - talking, discussing, compromising, even relationship counseling - will not work.

The reason I think it's not only abuse but a mix of abuse and MH issues is that in the incident above OP's partner didn't even achieve (and couldn't possibly achieve) any meaningful satisfaction / personal gain. Abusers are generally more clever and calculated. This is just sick. AND abusive!

flippinada Mon 09-Dec-13 22:44:20

Just finished reading. You poor thing, what a terrible way to live. Please do contact WA again. Go to your doctor's and tell them what is happening.

And, of course, keep posting here for support xx

flippinada Mon 09-Dec-13 22:32:22

Haven't read all the way through but my goodness this is absolutely horrific. You must leave (or better yet throw him out) - easier said than done, I know.

I'm very sorry your friends and family are not being more supportive.

Off to read rest of thread now

DownstairsMixUp Mon 09-Dec-13 22:17:35

Can only echo everything the other posters have said princess, someone mentioned you could email them? (Women's Aid) Is that an option?

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Mon 09-Dec-13 22:10:13

OP, this link should take you to a letter that you can adapt to give to your GP. Go and see him and tell him that the rash is brought on by your H's behaviour, then hand him the letter. In it, there is the web address of a template letter which your GP can use. I used these and my solicitor said it was word-perfect evidence of DV for Legal Aid.

How I left:
I found a house available for rent which looked excellent for the DCs.
I got a single relative with a fairly well-paid job to be my guarantor as I had benefits but no guaranteed income at all.
I found a great solicitor with lots of experience with DV cases on the Resolution website (WA can also help with this).
I moved into my house and never let my H inside.
My solicitor advised me to talk to the police before I moved in about what I should do if he tried to come in, or other possible situations I was concerned about. I didn't do this, but you might want to.

I now have my own safe haven and it was like waking up from a long bad dream, or finally being an adult, or being released from prison. The DV I suffered was nothing compared to what you are enduring.

Don't know if that's inspiring or not, but it's my story!

Jux Mon 09-Dec-13 22:07:08

There are refuges, Princess, staffed by people experienced with helping you to find your feet, people who can help you get the benefits and tax credits and housing and everything you need. WA are there to help you do all of that.

Please go to those who can help you so that you never, never ever have to sofa-surf again with no money and no belongings.

springythatlldo Mon 09-Dec-13 20:52:29

I hate to think of you wandering about like a nomad, pregnant, toddler. It's just too awful sad

There is no need with the support networks available in this country (I assume you're in blighty? Which, although not perfect, at least has services in place for just this sort of eventuality, thank goodness).

You seem to feel it's hopeless, that there's no hope for someone in your position. This isn't true. There is a way to get out - which puts kipping on peoples' 'sofas' in the shade. There is conclusive support out there.

Do email WA and c&p what you wrote here. You may find it easier to write it rather than say it?

madeofstone Mon 09-Dec-13 16:42:05

I'm sorry, if I behaved even half as bad as that my wife would part my plums, and be fully justified in doing so.

unobtanium Mon 09-Dec-13 16:21:30

Hi Princess, my heart bleeds. I hope you get to put a call in to WA soon.

I am absolutely certain that you don't need to have a perfectly coherent spiel ready rehearsed for them! Stuttering and stammering and umming and ahing is probably something they hear often, and they will help you to tell them what's going on. Good luck with getting the help you deserve x

wordyBird Mon 09-Dec-13 16:06:08

You can email WA too, princessx
www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

I can understand your fear of leaving, considering what happened last time. It sounds as if you did it alone, with no outside help. But WA can help you. They've helped many women in the same situation. Hope you can contact them soon.

If it helps to post here, please do. Sometimes seeing things typed out on a page can really help, in itself. flowers

My sister gets a rash that flares up when she's stressed too. Tell them why you're stressed - it's because you're living in a viciously abusive environment.

Please, please phone WA. They WILL help you! Start building a supply of cash, start looking at cheaper commuter towns, start pricing au pairs etc., pack some bags, keep important documents, start reclaiming your life!

princessx Mon 09-Dec-13 15:50:28

Thanks all, no chance to phone WA now as mil from hell is here now. Believe it or not she is a worse version of him.

Thanks for all your support. I'm really considering my next move carefully as I upped and left last time and was homeless living with nothing and trying to keep my poor little toddler happy. I have to say I really did regret it at the time. We weren't living rough, but going from friend to friend with a bag of our possessions, plus I was pregnant, it was a really horrible time and I really don't want to be homeless again.

I'll keep posting here to get an outlet for the strength. If anyone has inspirational stories of how they left that would be great.

Also I've found GPs not very helpful in the past. I suppose I've just hinted at problems but I need to spell it out in black and white. I have a rash that flares up whenever he's tormenting me. When I've tried to explain to a Gp they just pull a sympathetic face then prescribe me some cream.

Thanks to the poster who gave prices commuting from London - def something to think about.

Cantabile Mon 09-Dec-13 10:58:12

Princess, legal aid is available in cases of domestic abuse. You've just got so used to your circumstances, and his behaviour that you don't think that applies to you.

Phone WA and tell them of this 'minor' incident and see what they say. There is nothing minor about this at all. It is all about control. He wants you to make a phone call. He also wants you to fail. So he does this. He sets you up and ensures you can't do whatever it is. It will drive you mad; but what he's really after is for your confidence and belief in yourself and your abilities to plummet to such a low level that you end up completely captive and subservient.

springythatlldo Mon 09-Dec-13 02:15:11

sorry, qualifying: not that someone with PD like this would seek treatment. He gets his kicks from what he's doing to her, he gets off on it.

springythatlldo Mon 09-Dec-13 02:14:05

Glenshee, probably an idea to look into domestic abuse, how it works, what abusers do. It doesn't have to be violence or hitting; the OP's partner is doing a good enough job of destroying the OP from the inside out without hitting her. MH issues? could be, but irrelevant here. It is more likely a personality disorder which, incidentally, is notoriously immune to treatment of any kind (not that someone with a PD would seek treatment)

MistressDeeCee Mon 09-Dec-13 01:40:19

OMG..this cruel man wants to up your stress levels, drive you to distraction then when you end up ill due to his aggressive emotional abuse and gaslighting, he won't give a shit. He'll up the ante until you're a depressed mess. & you've got 2 young children how DARE he. Yes, you'll leave him and he'll be left to regret the mess he's made of his life..or, he'll find another woman to attempt to destroy. Negative misogynist bullies feed off this kind of thing.

Very rare that I say LTB but in this case, what other option is there?! You sound sensible enough to have no intention of living with this idiocy for years anyway OP. Whatever happens in your future it'll better than having him ranting in your ears, and your DCs growing up in the unkind and abnormal atmosphere he's creating. The noise levels alone of his shouting and raving must be a killer. This man wants you to have a horrible life, without a doubt. Don't give him the option.

Good luck OP, you've had some brill advice from other posters on this thread, and I've a feeling you'll take it. NO man is worth putting up with this situation for..

tinmug Mon 09-Dec-13 01:38:51

Glenshee "Looks like your husband has some MH issues"

O RLY? What's your diagnosis?

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep Mon 09-Dec-13 00:32:51

calculating and abusive yes. he is abusing your children too.

NicPen Sun 08-Dec-13 21:01:20

Hi op
I agree that you need to leave asap, especially as he's trying to stop you from returning to work and he is stalling your childcare plans. Do not let this happen!

Good luck flowers

cjel Sun 08-Dec-13 20:48:29

We all have mental health the same as we all have physical health.I'd say that anyone who is thinking that his sort of behaviour is ok, must have some problems with his mental state of mind not being healthy surely? Not that he has a disease but he definitely doesn't have 'good' mental health

MumpiresRedCard Sun 08-Dec-13 20:44:31

It's nothing to do with 'mental health'. In fact, with this abusive types, being abusive is measured, controlled, deliberate... because it is a very successful mechanism for the abuser. It inflates his ego. Does he sound like the type who'd sit down and talk about how he should be less abusive confused

Glenshee there is absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest her husband has mental issues!

A vile abuser, yes.

But suffering with MH issues?!

Glenshee Sun 08-Dec-13 19:52:42

Looks like your husband has some MH issues.

Until you both acknowledge this is the case and put a plan together that will help keep his issues under control, you have no future as a couple/family.

When I read that this kind of thing seems minor to you I was very shock

43percentburnt Sun 08-Dec-13 19:12:10

Please read your post to WA, any other incidents write them down in a similar way and read them out.

Make sure you take copies of all documents, pension, wage slips, p60, savings, shares etc etc. leave with a friend.

Keep a diary of incidents, maybe on here so he cannot find them.

He is clearly a very horrid man, please get out.

What about commuting to London, renting in bedford or northants. Train is £7000 a year, rent £600 a month (3 bed house in okay area in Northampton or Kettering) plus an au pair - sorry not sure of the cost. You won't be well off but you will keep your job and be safe. Bedford would be 4k season ticket plus £850 rent plus au pair. Not ideal but surely better!

Am guessing your take home is £2500 if no pension etc. plus £1752 per annum child benefit, what Csa would u get? Assuming £350 - that's approx 3k a month total. Less £1200 for rent and train, less au pair, internet suggests £100 a week (sorry if this is wrong). Leaves you £1400 for everything else, £1050 if he doesn't pay maintenance.

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