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Crazy and controlling dh - relatively minor incident but please help me cope

(108 Posts)
princessx Wed 04-Dec-13 23:38:27

I need to share my husband's (he is definitely not dh) unbearable behaviour. Hopefully someone can help me cope.

Background: we have a terrible relationship anyway and I've actually filed for divorce 2 yrs ago but didn't take it any further.

I had to make an important phone call tonight and I needed to get the children asleep first. There was no way round it, I had to tell H my plan, knowing that would be an open invitation to him to try and ruin things.

I simply wanted to say: I'll get the kids alseep as normal. Then I'll phone the woman. Please could you deal with the kids if they wake up.

Well, that meant he came into my room under the pretext of wanting to see the kids and spent an hour having a go at me about anything that came into his head. Then when there was only 45 mins to go until I had to make the call he cranked up a gear and started getting hysterical with the kids screaming and laughing. Winding them up as much as he could.
Finally he left the room and I was settling them down (I have a toddler and a baby) then when I'd turned the light out he came in turning on the light saying he needed some socks and having a go at me for not having washed enough socks for him, even though I'd specifically left a clean pair on his bed to avoid this very situation. By this point there was only 10 mins until I had to make the call. I ended up shouting at him to leave the room as I had to bf baby to sleep. Cue him to have a massive go at me for shouting in front of the children.

I slowly bf baby to sleep knowing I've already missed the agreed time for the call. Next minute H turns on all the lights in the hall and baby's room and starts hoovering with our really powerful dyson. Last time H hoovered? Never.

He knew I had to transfer the baby from my bed into his cot in the next room. This is almost impossible even with complete darkness and silence. I get out of bed leaving baby precariously in my bed next to my wide awake toddler to plead with him to stop.

Finally get baby into cot and make call 30mins later than I should have, only for baby to wake up during the call. H hollers for me to get baby for ages, as painful as it is for me to leave the baby, I ignore both of them. Next minute H has brought screaming baby into my face and stays holding him there, forcing me to end the call.

This situation is so much worse because it was H who was forcing me to make this call in the first place, and who put me in a situation where I had to make the call.

Can you believe the stress I'm living under? Can anyone help me cope?

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult, but none of my friends can appreciate what that really means. But this is the sort of behaviour that turns you mad.

springythatlldo Mon 09-Dec-13 20:52:29

I hate to think of you wandering about like a nomad, pregnant, toddler. It's just too awful sad

There is no need with the support networks available in this country (I assume you're in blighty? Which, although not perfect, at least has services in place for just this sort of eventuality, thank goodness).

You seem to feel it's hopeless, that there's no hope for someone in your position. This isn't true. There is a way to get out - which puts kipping on peoples' 'sofas' in the shade. There is conclusive support out there.

Do email WA and c&p what you wrote here. You may find it easier to write it rather than say it?

Jux Mon 09-Dec-13 22:07:08

There are refuges, Princess, staffed by people experienced with helping you to find your feet, people who can help you get the benefits and tax credits and housing and everything you need. WA are there to help you do all of that.

Please go to those who can help you so that you never, never ever have to sofa-surf again with no money and no belongings.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Mon 09-Dec-13 22:10:13

OP, this link should take you to a letter that you can adapt to give to your GP. Go and see him and tell him that the rash is brought on by your H's behaviour, then hand him the letter. In it, there is the web address of a template letter which your GP can use. I used these and my solicitor said it was word-perfect evidence of DV for Legal Aid.

How I left:
I found a house available for rent which looked excellent for the DCs.
I got a single relative with a fairly well-paid job to be my guarantor as I had benefits but no guaranteed income at all.
I found a great solicitor with lots of experience with DV cases on the Resolution website (WA can also help with this).
I moved into my house and never let my H inside.
My solicitor advised me to talk to the police before I moved in about what I should do if he tried to come in, or other possible situations I was concerned about. I didn't do this, but you might want to.

I now have my own safe haven and it was like waking up from a long bad dream, or finally being an adult, or being released from prison. The DV I suffered was nothing compared to what you are enduring.

Don't know if that's inspiring or not, but it's my story!

DownstairsMixUp Mon 09-Dec-13 22:17:35

Can only echo everything the other posters have said princess, someone mentioned you could email them? (Women's Aid) Is that an option?

flippinada Mon 09-Dec-13 22:32:22

Haven't read all the way through but my goodness this is absolutely horrific. You must leave (or better yet throw him out) - easier said than done, I know.

I'm very sorry your friends and family are not being more supportive.

Off to read rest of thread now

flippinada Mon 09-Dec-13 22:44:20

Just finished reading. You poor thing, what a terrible way to live. Please do contact WA again. Go to your doctor's and tell them what is happening.

And, of course, keep posting here for support xx

Glenshee Mon 16-Dec-13 14:21:24

tinmug, springythatlldo,

You are absolutely right - MH issues (if they exist) - shouldn't be the primary concern for OP at this time. I'm sorry if my post suggested otherwise.

I also agree that it would be extremely unlikely for a person like this to be willing to admit their issues and to work on treating them.

What I wanted to say is that this kind of behaviour is NOT normal. And so dealing with it in a normal kind of way - talking, discussing, compromising, even relationship counseling - will not work.

The reason I think it's not only abuse but a mix of abuse and MH issues is that in the incident above OP's partner didn't even achieve (and couldn't possibly achieve) any meaningful satisfaction / personal gain. Abusers are generally more clever and calculated. This is just sick. AND abusive!

sicily1921 Mon 16-Dec-13 14:43:28

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult

I wouldn't want to read about a major one OP and just one question, not advice as I think you know what you need to do ...do you want to be driven to madness?

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