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Crazy and controlling dh - relatively minor incident but please help me cope

(108 Posts)
princessx Wed 04-Dec-13 23:38:27

I need to share my husband's (he is definitely not dh) unbearable behaviour. Hopefully someone can help me cope.

Background: we have a terrible relationship anyway and I've actually filed for divorce 2 yrs ago but didn't take it any further.

I had to make an important phone call tonight and I needed to get the children asleep first. There was no way round it, I had to tell H my plan, knowing that would be an open invitation to him to try and ruin things.

I simply wanted to say: I'll get the kids alseep as normal. Then I'll phone the woman. Please could you deal with the kids if they wake up.

Well, that meant he came into my room under the pretext of wanting to see the kids and spent an hour having a go at me about anything that came into his head. Then when there was only 45 mins to go until I had to make the call he cranked up a gear and started getting hysterical with the kids screaming and laughing. Winding them up as much as he could.
Finally he left the room and I was settling them down (I have a toddler and a baby) then when I'd turned the light out he came in turning on the light saying he needed some socks and having a go at me for not having washed enough socks for him, even though I'd specifically left a clean pair on his bed to avoid this very situation. By this point there was only 10 mins until I had to make the call. I ended up shouting at him to leave the room as I had to bf baby to sleep. Cue him to have a massive go at me for shouting in front of the children.

I slowly bf baby to sleep knowing I've already missed the agreed time for the call. Next minute H turns on all the lights in the hall and baby's room and starts hoovering with our really powerful dyson. Last time H hoovered? Never.

He knew I had to transfer the baby from my bed into his cot in the next room. This is almost impossible even with complete darkness and silence. I get out of bed leaving baby precariously in my bed next to my wide awake toddler to plead with him to stop.

Finally get baby into cot and make call 30mins later than I should have, only for baby to wake up during the call. H hollers for me to get baby for ages, as painful as it is for me to leave the baby, I ignore both of them. Next minute H has brought screaming baby into my face and stays holding him there, forcing me to end the call.

This situation is so much worse because it was H who was forcing me to make this call in the first place, and who put me in a situation where I had to make the call.

Can you believe the stress I'm living under? Can anyone help me cope?

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult, but none of my friends can appreciate what that really means. But this is the sort of behaviour that turns you mad.

Loggins Thu 05-Dec-13 00:20:49

Good grief Princess, aside from everything else...you thought to lay out his socks to make a phonecall?
How many more things do you do everyday incase he behaves like an arse?
If you can not get support from your friends then maybe you can call Womans Aid.
I'm in shock to be honest, I hope you can get out soon.

UmpireOnCall Thu 05-Dec-13 00:22:06

U r right, nothing to b gained from talking about it. That just lets him know he has the power to upset u and that he succeeded.
I had to relocate totally. I couldnt have managed to stayin the same area. So at the time it felt like a massive decision. But do what u need to do to get free. U will think this is dramatic but if u go to a refuge theyll help u with all the practicalities. U will be settled b4 your toddler starts school/ is aware u r in a hostel.

OvertiredandConfused Thu 05-Dec-13 00:23:34

Princess, this is shocking. Please remember that you'd get maintenance if you left. If it was me, I'd think about a bigger flat and an au pair. Your DC deserve a much better environment and not to be subject to this behaviour. Even witnessing it WILL have an impact on them.

Take care

wordyBird Thu 05-Dec-13 00:23:40

I make that six deliberate attempts to sabotage your telephone call.
Plus the fact that he obliged you to make the call in the first place.

This is not a minor incident, it is sustained bullying. This person is no friend of yours.

If your friends are minimising this, they either don't know the full story, or they are choosing not to hear you.

UmpireOnCall Thu 05-Dec-13 00:26:10

Because, as the old saying goes; the answer to the question "why didnt you leave?", because id nowhere to go and no money when i got there
But if u link in with a refuge they will facilitate all the forms and applications and legal aid.
Dont make a hard thing harder.
Accept the help that is out there.
And despite what u might think, what i also tjought, yes what u r going thru is bad enough, it is abuse and yes u do deserve help.

kaatieexox Thu 05-Dec-13 00:28:16

just reading that is making me mad! how you put up with that i will never know! I was with a bully of a man once and the best thing i ever did was leave him, but there was no children involved so i cant even comprehend how much more worse this is for you. I hope you manage to escape this horrible man, you and your dc are worth more. thanks

eastendfareast Thu 05-Dec-13 01:16:39

I don't often comment on relationship threads as I can rarely better the advice already given, but Princess your post made the hairs on my neck stand up. His behaviour is designed to torment, belittle and set you up to fail. Not to mention his use of your children in order to achieve his goal. Please, please leave this man. This is no life for you or your children. Can you leave London and live somewhere with a lower cost of living? I know that's not easy. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? They could help you. Also, set the wheels in motion again for the divorce - you need to move forward with your life without this bastard anywhere near you. Good luck.

myroomisatip Thu 05-Dec-13 03:28:23

He sounds like my Ex but my Ex was much more subtle sad

That really is no way to live. There is help out there, please take it.

And come back and get the amazing support here on MN!

Lweji Thu 05-Dec-13 06:45:17

He knows you "can't" leave and thinks he can do whatever he wants and abuse you.

The alternative to living with him may be living on benefits in a council house, but you'd be so much happier, as well as the children. They also suffered with his antics this time and they will.

Get legal help. He must support you financially if you leave.

Regardless, take yourself and children away from this man.

I wonder if your friends are in somewhat similar situations. sad

Please call Women's Aid. This is not normal, it's horrendous abusive behaviour and you cannot tolerate it any longer. Please get away from this man... There is help available, you need to go.

Hope today brings resolve and courage for you.

maparole Thu 05-Dec-13 07:52:09

He is utterly unhinged and will slowly kill you. He'll be the same with your dcs. Get out asap

Good luck

Does he work, Princess? I'm guessing he would be as obstructive as he could, but you could presumably get the CSA onto him and he would have to support you.

flippingebay Thu 05-Dec-13 08:41:08

Omg shock that it truely awful behaviour.

I don't often say this but you REALLY need to get out. He's abusing you!

CailinDana Thu 05-Dec-13 08:44:22

He is literally torturing you by deliberately setting up situations that stress you. He gets pleasure and enjoyment from driving you nuts. He is a dangerous person. You need to get yourself and your children away from him asap.

NicPen Thu 05-Dec-13 08:45:58

Omg this scenario sounds like some sort of torture.

What a truly horrible man sad scary to think there are people out there who do this.

Please do all you can to get out and get your dc away from him flowers

NicPen Thu 05-Dec-13 08:47:23

I wouldn't be trusting him with visitation with dc alone. Please don't underplay his abuse, get proper advise to protect them.

MorrisZapp Thu 05-Dec-13 08:49:51

I'd hate to lose a forty grand job because of a pathetic abusive wanker. Can you think outside the box a bit? Live in a flat, for instance, or ask for a leave of absence as you sort yourself out?

Imagine how your career could flourish if you weren't having your energy sapped by this tedious little bellend of a man.

Grokette Thu 05-Dec-13 09:04:55

Oh princessx sad I'll keep this short and concise.

My father was like your husband, exactly like him. I hated him. He destroyed my mother. He very nearly destroyed me. He is still in the process of destroying my sister, who is the only person left who will engage with him.

Please do everything you can to get yourself and your children out of this. I am 31 years old, and I am still, every single day, coping with the impact of growing up with a heartless, soulless sociopath for a father. Every single day.

40k is quite a decent wage. Are you in a sector where there's work elsewhere?

Can you move outside of London and commute?

As a PP said, an au pair is a viable option.

There are ways to make this work. There is help. Take it.

And get new fucking friends!

Lweji Thu 05-Dec-13 11:05:41

40 k is a decent wage, but doesn't go very far in London for a single parent. sad Particularly if renting.

You could try cheaper rent, but it will be close to 1000£ anyway.

bibliomania Thu 05-Dec-13 11:19:21

He is really, really bad - what makes it so awful is how strategic he is about actively trying to harm you, and how he is prepared to use the dcs.

Definitely talk to WA. It would be a shame to lose your job over this, but don't let be the reason you stay in such a situation. My work let me use up my annual leave when I went to a refuge, so I was able to go back to my job once we got a bit more settled. You should be able to get tax credits which will help with childcare. Is there any possibility of moving outside London?

I think I'm just repeating what other posters are saying. It's a really positive thing that you have identified that this is abuse. There is no way to make this work - this is as clearcut a case as I've ever seen.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 05-Dec-13 11:27:04

That phone call that you had to make, was it about a job?

fuzzywuzzy Thu 05-Dec-13 11:37:23

Princess do you have family or friends who would support and help you?

I sort of fudged it when divorcing ex, my mum took care of my pre-school child and I got a CM to for my eldest for after school who fed her and helped her with homework etc, so after work I would pick her up and do bedtimes, for a while it was very full on but I had a lovely employer and the time just flew by.

Would you consider living on the outskirts of London it would be cheaper, I get an annual travel card on an interest free loan thro work?

You will get CSA payments (wouldn't rely no them if your H is such an arse), You're children will qualify for free nursery places for a few days a week as well.

Please call womens aid
0808 2000 247

Maybe they will be able to talk you thro your options?

UmpireOnCall Thu 05-Dec-13 13:29:27

rent a one bedroom flat if you have to. you and your children will be ok all in the same bed if it comes to it.

Jux Thu 05-Dec-13 13:41:26

Call WA.
Go to CAB and find out what you're entitled to - working tax credits, child tax credits, everything,
Go through CSA to get his contribution onto a reliable basis (does he work? how much does he earn?).
Make copies of financial documents and put them somewhere safe (at work?).
Pack spares of basic things and put them somewhere safe - work again?
Find a good strong family law solicitor, WA can probably recommend some, and book a free initial consultation. It may be more sensible for you to stay put woth the children and get him out, but that's probably a longer-term strategy.

Leave.

He is truly appalling. He will not change. Your life will become steadily worse and worse and you will stop noticing how awful he is. You have already minimised the incident outlined in your op, this is a really minor incident for us. Minor? Minor???????!!!!!!!! No, not minor, really really not minor.

Get yourself and your children out before you're all so damaged by his dreadfulness that you can't.

thanks

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