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Need a bit of advice about sexual assault.

(130 Posts)
Salemthecat Mon 02-Dec-13 20:47:53

I've nc'd for this as I'm really wary about anyone I know finding out.

I ended up in a situation a few months ago which has been bothering me every since and recently it's been getting worse. I was on a date with guy A. We had a bit to drink and went to the local nightclub where we met his friends and then drank a lot more. We met guy B, who I had never met before, in the club and went back to his after the club closed. All I can remember about this is patting a dog and being in a conservatory. The next thing I remember is waking up in guy B's bed completely naked with him shouting at me that he didn't know I was seeing his friend and that I was a tart. He then gave my clothes and drove me home. I have no idea where this house is, I can only remember getting to my house at about 9/10 am.

I had bruising to the inside of my thighs and that moist feeling when you have sex but I have absolutely no memory of having sex with this guy. I don't even know him. I've never had a one night stand with a stranger in my life. I really liked guy A but I have no idea where he went or what happened.

I work in the legal environment, sometimes helping to prepare sexual assault cases but I just can't relate what happened to me to them. This is all my fault for being so drunk. I have no idea if I consented or not. I can't imagine why I would have as I really liked guy A. But I actually have no idea. I could have instigated it for all I know.

Since then my self esteem has dramatically lowered, I've been starving myself and then binge eating. I've been binge drinking. I have a voice telling me over and over again that I deserve this for being such a filthy little slut. That he must have known I was such a whore and that's why it happened. That I'm worth absolutely nothing and no one is ever going to love me. I've also started self harming which is something I haven't done in 10 years since I was 14.

I've been to the doctors and told him that I've been feeling down and low and he's diagnosed me as having depression and put me on citalopram. I couldn't tell him about this situation or about the self harm. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting it happen, from where I work I should know so much better. I'm so stupid.

I don't know what I'm expecting here, I just had to tell someone to try and get it out my head. I'm sorry it's so long.

Vivacia Mon 02-Dec-13 21:00:05

It's very difficult to know how to comfort or advise you because there's so much to unpick here. Some big unknowns. I think you should go back to the doctor and ask to be referred to a therapist because I think that would be very helpful.

However, I do want to say one thing that I know for certain, you are absolutely not the horrible words you've used to describe yourself.

Offred Mon 02-Dec-13 21:01:03

Oh no Salem.... sad

It does sound like you may well have been assaulted.

If you work in the area you may well understand just how important it is that you confront this and get some support. Whether it is reporting it to the police or getting some specific rape and sexual assault counselling.

I think you'll never know for sure what actually happened but your reaction to it I think is indicative. I know it can seem really confusing but it is that way for many women after an assault like this. Would you really be responding to it in this way if it was simply that you'd had an ill judged ONS?

Salemthecat Mon 02-Dec-13 21:07:05

Thanks vivacia, I'm trying to pluck up the courage to tell someone in real life but I'm really scared to. This is the first time I've actually said it to anyone else.

Off, no I wouldn't. I have had quite good ONS's when I've been on girls holidays in the past and I've had a FWB situation up until this happened so I'm not against having sex outside relationships. I've never felt like this before. I feel so dirty.

Vivacia Mon 02-Dec-13 21:10:37

If you can't remember what happened I don't see how you were in a state to give consent. Perhaps man B was conscious of this, perhaps not. I do think you've been very strong putting this in to words. And I do believe that you are brave enough to talk about this with a counsellor. This can be dealt with, and there's no need to try to do this on your own.

Offred Mon 02-Dec-13 21:13:53

No decent professional would require you to say any more than you can in order to provide you with help. They will be very used to "something happened"s and loaded silences etc in this situation. What matters is your symptoms and getting some proper help with them.

The symptoms are very real.

Really actually finding out what happened and naming it is much less important although IME, that approach (starting with how you feel and working towards naming the problem/cause) feels backwards,it is fine to try to get support without talking about things you are uncomfortable with.

This is causing you some serious mental and emotional stress and from the more objective side outcomes are better in the long term for women who seek support sooner rather than later.

Offred Mon 02-Dec-13 21:16:25

If/when you are ready you could explore here - www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Twinklestein Mon 02-Dec-13 21:31:31

Hi OP,

I am so sorry to hear what happened.

First of all what happened to you was not your fault. Secondly, it's quite possible that you were drugged, as I'm sure you were aware. Thirdly, even if you weren't, I repeat none of this is your fault.

You need to call Rape Crisis asap, who are amazing, you can talk to them on the phone, and or make an appointment to see one of their counsellors.

They will be able to direct you to your nearest SARC (sexual assault referral centre). You need to get tested in case you were raped. SARCS have their own counsellors too, who are very good.

ImperialBlether Mon 02-Dec-13 21:34:24

It sounds horribly as though you were drugged and that both A and B were complicit in this.

How did you know A? Do you have any contact details for him? Have you spoken to him since?

Something very similar happened to my sister (before these drugs were available.) You will be still in shock. You really need to go to the police and go for an STD test. I know you are still feeling very vulnerable but you should choose a friend to confide in and ask her for help now.

Twinklestein Mon 02-Dec-13 21:38:36

I agree with Imperial, that's what I think - about the set up.

I would go to a SARC before the police as it's all female, and you may not get a female police doctor.

Twinklestein Mon 02-Dec-13 21:45:35

Self hatred and self blame are standard in sex crimes, I don't know a woman it has happened to, who did not blame and hate herself for what happened.

Whether you we drugged or drunk, you were not in a position to give consent, and the law recognises that.

You met some misogynist arsehole who got off on trying to make you feel like shit. Please try hard not to internalise this into torturing yourself words like whole and slut, the only word applicable to you is victim. Innocent victim.

Twinklestein Mon 02-Dec-13 21:46:25

'Whore' not whole.^^

Salemthecat Mon 02-Dec-13 21:46:37

Thanks for replying and for believing me, I really thought I would get told I was just a drunken idiot.

I've known A for about 12 years, we were in high school together and remained loosely in contact after we left. I do have contact details for him but this was a few months ago I'm too ashamed to bring it up.

I had a sexual health screen about 6 weeks ago and the results were all negative.

From where I work I know that telling the police is pointless. There isn't enough evidence. I'm in Scotland and they would just have to write it off. There's no forensics, no messages, no signs of immediate distress. No corroboration.

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to phone the helpline but I don't know if I can actually say out loud what happened. I'm struggling to even say the word. I can't shake the idea that I must have done something for this to have happened. Is this rape? Or was I just too drunk to remember consenting? How do I know?

Fozziebearmum2be Mon 02-Dec-13 21:53:40

Agree with what has been said here and wanted to repeat. It wasn't your fault, you did not ask for it and did not contribute by being drunk.

I'm sorry, but it does sound like you have been assaulted, please talk to someone from one of the organisations people have suggested. You can take it at your own pace but making contact will get you the help and support you need.

Big hugs thanks

Fozziebearmum2be Mon 02-Dec-13 21:55:12

You know you. Would you have consented? It doesn't sound like it. I doubt you'd feel the way you do if you had.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 02-Dec-13 22:02:22

Salem, you don't know what happened, but whatever did, it has left you with lasting issues that have confused you and are causing unhealthy control problems.sad

Please contact Rape Crisis. Call them every night if you need to. But you must talk to someone because something happened that has impacted you deeply and not in a healthy way. So please talk through this change, only then can you decide what to do next.

Do not focus on justice. Or fairness. Or law. Or anything else. This time, devote your time and energy to yourself and your healing, health, recovery and strength Salem.

I wish you strength.smile

Lweji Mon 02-Dec-13 22:03:04

So sorry. sad

I think that regardless of the legalities of this, you do need to speak to someone about what happened, make some sense of it and find a way of dealing with it.

When calling the help line, or even talking to the GP to ask for a referral, you can use a rehearsed sentence, to make it easier to get it out. If you are stuck they will ask questions about it, which is easier than blurting it all out.

In any case, it's not your fault!

Vivacia Mon 02-Dec-13 22:05:52

Could you ring up and explain that you want to talk about something but don't have the words to say it yet?

Salemthecat Mon 02-Dec-13 22:06:15

No, I wouldn't have consented. I don't know the guy, I know nothing about him. I keep going over and over and trying to remember even the tiniest detail, anything to make it clear what happened but it's not there. I can't even remember properly where his house is.

Thank you all for being so supportive, you don't understand how much it means.

Twinklestein Mon 02-Dec-13 22:07:11

I'm really glad you've already had a screen and it was all negative.

I don't believe you consented. And the law recognises that you have to be capable of consent. Even if there we're no drugs involved, you were not in a state to consent.

You don't need to have done anything for this to have happened! you simply had to be in vicinity of someone who wanted to take advantage of you.

Lweji Mon 02-Dec-13 22:14:12

What strikes me is his attitude when you woke up. It reeks of diverting attention so that you wouldn't question what you were doing there and what had happened, nor could you focus much on him or where he lived. It feels like a guilty conscience.
And with the way he put you down and got rid of you, no wonder you are feeling so bruised inside.

TheDoctrineOfSanta Mon 02-Dec-13 22:18:07

I believe you.

This is not your fault and I'm sorry this happened to you.

Samaritans are an alternative to Rape Crisis if you like and you can email as well as call.

Twinklestein Mon 02-Dec-13 22:22:13

What strikes me as total bollocks is that he said he didn't know you we're with guy A. You turned up with him. Of course he knew were together.

It's quite extraordinary that your date did not see you home safely, that's the gentlemanly thing to do.

Twinklestein Mon 02-Dec-13 22:23:01

That was response to Lweji^^

Xfirefly Mon 02-Dec-13 22:30:51

so sorry this has happened to you. please talk to someone in RL about this. seek some counselling .

do you believe you could have been drugged? do you think they had the opportunity to? I ask because I was spiked a few years ago. luckily friends stayed with me and took me home. I remember nothing of the night and I had only had 2 drinks. I usually remember everything even if I've had a few.

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