Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Me again - what do I do for the best ?

(228 Posts)
Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 00:05:35

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

Lavenderhoney Mon 02-Dec-13 02:31:24

I think your hand has been forced by the visa issue, sub consciously or not. Financially you could wobble on. What about the dc, will they be illegal as well?

You cannot remain there, financially, legally, for the good of your mental health. Why don't you leave now, spend the Christmas holiday getting organised and your dc start school in jan? Better for them than starting mid term in February. It could be done. Its not insurmountable. I don't see why you are making all these personal sacrifices. Are you still in love with him? Because, by the way he treats you and is openly dating, that ship has sailed.

Your dh is a tool. His behaviour to you and the dc wrt dating is unacceptable. You will have the support you need in the UK with benefits til you have a job. Your dc will be at school and making friends so you will have all day to do that. You don't have family in Perth either, I guess, so UK will be the same, only you are from here so there are intangible and well as tangible benefits.

But you know all this? What's stopping you really? The enormity of moving 4 dc and starting again?

Aussiemum78 Mon 02-Dec-13 02:44:06

What country were your children born in? I think you need good legal advice before leaving.

Australian child support can be collected from him regardless of where you live as far as I know.

Would he be open to moving states? What professions are you in?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 02:58:39

He doesn't have a profession as such he was in pharmaceutical sales - all east cost, I suppose he's a sales manager - 10 a penny lets face it. I am in HR which is seen as a bit of a joke in Australia from what I've experienced so far.

I am absolutely not in love with him, haven't been for five years probably longer tbh

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:01:18

Australian child support is a fucking nightmare to collect from the uk, my eldest child's father is Australian and he does pay a pitness but I tried to take him to the high court in London and basically lost because the uk CSA has no teeth.

This is besides the pint almost though because the day I get on a plane he is stuffed. I shall phone DIAC and claim my $5000 to dob him in as illegal

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:03:02

One child is Aussie the other three are british. That brings extra expense as 457 visa holders are being charged $4000 per child as of January for schooling - he has no way of covering this.

MillyRules Mon 02-Dec-13 03:28:07

Perths lovely but so are many places. Kids adjust and your happiness is important too. Ive lived in Perth but love living in Wales more.

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 03:30:13

457 Visa holders can claim that expense back Mosman - I do for all of my school fees via FBT.

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 03:32:39

What skill were you granted your previous 457 under?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:38:25

What's FBT please ? They are only introducing these fees in jan 2014 because of the influx of 457's into Perth

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:39:31

I was granted it under recruitment - I don't have a problem recruiting but the markets so slow I keep making a pig ear of it - and my hearts not in it either, obviously I need a kick up the arse.

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 04:59:58

Fringe Benefit Tax. As a 457 visa holder you can claim back the costs of flights overseas, mobile, child education, professional membeships, taxi trips, 1 x laptop, 1 x PDA and airport lounge membership.

They deduct the amount you claim from your gross income before tax, so effectively you get about 50% back in your pay packet.

I usually do this as I go but I believe you can also recover this through your tax return (don't quote me on that though, I haven't done so yet, I claim the second I have to pay for any of the above). With a bit of planning it can be very efficient - eg buy a laptop and take a flight overseas - you can claim back the cost of both laptop flight/holiday AND claim back the GST on the way out of the country.

Hmm. Recruitment, yes that makes sense. Are you specialist in HR, director level/relatively senior? I'm assuming you are true HR rather than recruitment itself?

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 05:05:03

Here you go, some more information. Since the abolition of LAFHA this has become a more obscure area to claim but my accountant's compliance team went through the legislation with fine toothcomb and agree it's claimable for 457 visa holders.

[url]http://www.rsmi.com.au/rsbcwr/_assets/main/lib90028/1308%20tax%20update-%20457%20school%20fees.pdf[/url]

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 05:06:08
Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 05:18:20

Wow that would make a huge difference to my decision making

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 05:20:04

God I love Mumsnet - thank you

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 06:02:09

After the initial excitement my potential wmployer won't have anything to do with fringe benefit tax - they have to pay through the nose for it - you must be very loved arfishy

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 07:09:57

No I'm a contractor - I pay for this sort of thing but it's very worth it. This is also why it would be hugely advantageous if your DH got a visa, you could contract and use this sort of payroll service.

I don't know enough about the tax to know if you can claim this via your tax return instead. I'm trying to for the 2 years I held the visa and couldn't get my employer to process it either. I haven't had the answer yet though. At least that way you'd get a massive rebate at the end of the year.

If you do need to go back to the UK don't forget you can cash in your super contributions.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 08:16:05

Oh if he got a 457 I would be laughing ... Not holding my breath though

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Dec-13 09:08:38

Oh mosman...

It sounds like you can't see the wood for the trees. It's easier to have the children on your own than with such a knob. I haven't got 4 but 2 pre schoolers, youngest was 6 months when the ex went. Once you haven't got a dickhead draining the life out of you, looking after the kids becomes surpringsly easy and life is sunnier in general.

Sounds like you're in a fog. Anyway you can get space from him to make a decision. Your Bro is right- love his phrase, make a decision and own it. Not easy to do in the midst of what you're experiencing, I know.

Longdistance Mon 02-Dec-13 10:18:05

He's got you over a barrel wrt the dc. It sounds bloody miserable for all of you. It sounds like you're really stuck there, which is a shit feeling.

I suggest you come back with the dc and stitch the bastard up, and see how he likes it.

sorry it's short I'm on my phone.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 10:46:23

My biggest worry is that the best way to stitch him up is to stay not go. If I leave I'm holding the baby ... All four if them and he's living the fucking dream whilst telling anyone who'll listen what a bitch I am for snatching his children ... I bet he'd drive me to the fucking airport to make sure we go

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 10:50:23

So what ?

I've said this before (probably under another name) but you are still far too attached to this man. Every post you make screams of it.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

mistlethrush Mon 02-Dec-13 10:56:29

You're better off without him and making a secure future for your children on your own rather than expecting him to help by the sound of it. I would be using this as a good excuse to leave.

Lweji Mon 02-Dec-13 11:27:03

But the point here is not what happens to him, but how happy you will be.
Take him out of the equation and decide what you want as best for all 5 of you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Dec-13 11:45:33

Living the dream?? Let him.

Surely your dream is a peaceful, contented life with your dc?? I know 4 is hard work, I'm not being flippant but surely you'd rather not have him screwing them up, telling him about conquests?? Ffs. This man is a moron!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now