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strange behaviour from dcs older sibling when they stay at their dad's

(48 Posts)
thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 14:46:39

Don't know what, if anything, I could or should do. 2 dcs are primary school age, one has sn (asd), one boy and one girl.
They have regular contact with their dad, and stay overnight there. He has 2 older children, both boys, one is at 6th form, the other is 19 and works.

Been hearing lots of things about him I'm not happy about. He constantly lies to dd, things about her. He told her their dad had fallen into the car engine- she thought he was dead! He told her she stank and they were taking her back to the shop to buy a new her because she was so stinky.

Now found out he looked up 'poo shop' on the internet and showed the images to ds (who has asd).

I just feel really uncomfortable. I lived with their father for years, and there is something about this older brother, and they way he talks to the dcs, that I really don't like. The other brother is fine, I have no issues with him. Something that I can't really explain. Not sure how bad those examples to look to a stranger reading this, or how I would feel if someone else had said them. My instinct is I don't want him on his own with the dcs, but I have no way of enforcing this.

Any advice on what how to protect the dcs from someone when you're not there?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 01-Dec-13 14:54:20

Don't want to cut and run but try posting this on step families you might get more support

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 14:57:12

Thanks will do

AmberLeaf Sun 01-Dec-13 14:59:12

They aren't step siblings though?

OP is your ex approachable, could you speak to him about his older sons behavior?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sun 01-Dec-13 14:59:35

Poor you.

Have you spoken to your ex about this? At least the clear cut stuff (rather than your feelings) such as googling poo shoo and remarks to your DCs.

Also, I would recommend talking to your DCs about what is acceptable behaviour, about speaking up "I do not like what you are saying/doing", that adults can sometimes behave badly and it is not okay, and that you always trust them and listen to them. It maybe a silly 19 yo but your DCs need to know that they do not have to accept or believe it.

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 15:06:21

Spoke to ex. He told me he'd spoken to his older son, but he 'didn't take it well'. Whatever that means. I've been talking to dd about it, and saying if he does it it's ok to say 'I don't like you saying those things' and to tell her dad. I just don't feel like I trust his judgement on this, he has made the odd strange comment etc himself.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:12:01

Your poor children. Can you possibly let them go there for shorter periods of time, coinciding when their older brother is at work?

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 15:13:38

So you don't think I'm overreacting?

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:15:39

How old is your DD? Do you think she is at risk sexually? She is certainly at risk of losing any self esteem.

Are they ever alone in the house with their brother, ie if their dad has gone out for a drink?

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:15:56

No! I wouldn't want them to go there.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:16:25

What sort of strange comments has your ex made?

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 15:20:11

I don't think any risk sexually, I genuinely don't. Just a dysfunctional family of people with weird, innappropriate upbringings (hence why I left with dcs). Trying to be careful not to give out too many details, but there is history of abuse (violence).

Dd is 5.

I have just got a text reply from ex about the 'poo shop', apparently he thinks it is 'a bit naughty and quite funny'.

MrsMoon76 Sun 01-Dec-13 15:21:27

You could "almost" understand a boy of 12 saying and doing those things but a 19 year old? Its actually quite cruel - especially telling her that her dad is dead. I would be very uncomfortable with this and I don't think you are overreacting. Actually its bloody creepy.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:22:08

What even is the poo shop ffs? I've googled it and nothing came up.

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 15:22:15

Yes I'm pretty sure the brother is often on his own with them. If he needed to pop to tescos etc then he would leave dcs with brothers.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:23:10

OP, if you told your children they weren't going to stay there any more, that they would see their dad at the cinema or McDonalds or something like that, what do you think their reaction would be?

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:24:06

When they stay over, is it mid week or the weekend?

I would be really worried about their contact with the older brother - he sounds very, very strange.

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 15:24:34

it's where he told dd they were taking her back. He said she stank of poo so they were taking her back to the poo shop to get a new dd.

It just sounds stupid, but from another 5 year old it might be silly and funny, but from a 19 year old ( and remembering the way he spoke to the kids) it just feels very wrong

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:26:32

When they stay over, is it mid week or the weekend?

I would be really worried about their contact with the older brother - he sounds very, very strange.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:26:55

Sorry, double post.

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 15:27:34

Stopping overnights stays would be MASSIVE! And not what I would want overall. The brother wasn't talking to the dad for a while so hadn't been around, but looks like they're talking again.

I explained to ex why I thought it was wrong and he has just text back that he agrees.

I just don't trust him to take it seriously enough to do something like not leave the brother on his own with them.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:27:39

She's only 5?

How old is your son?

Did the older brother show bullying tendencies and a tendency to be cruel when you knew him?

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Dec-13 15:28:48

Is there a financial interest in him having them to stay overnight, eg less child support?

Do you live near enough that if your ex had to go out he could drop the kids off at yours?

thatsundayfeeling Sun 01-Dec-13 15:34:00

Sort of. Got in trouble at school for having tantrums and smashing up equipment (left school owing hundreds for equipment he'd destroyed!) which nobody seemed to think there was anything unusual about. Not sure about cruelty though.

No financial interest, but I left due to EA and I know he wouldn't agree to them not staying over. Too far to just drop them with me for brief periods.

IDontDoIroning Sun 01-Dec-13 15:36:28

Hes 19 and he gets his kicks from nasty teasing of his little 5 year old sister. !
If nothing else it's unpleasant and nasty bullying of a child by an adult who should know better.

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