Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me get some perspective.

(33 Posts)
atosilis Sat 30-Nov-13 23:03:34

My husband does not like me going to see friends, he makes a fuss and says that he is left on his own. I rarely see friends now, I have no local friends and have to travel to see them. I can't 'pop in' on anyone and meetups have to be arranged in advance.

Today I went to have my birthday lunch with my sister in <large city>. On the way there, I thought I would contact a male friend who lives in the city and see if he was free for a drink before I came home. OH has met this friend, who I've known through a female friend for 6 years. Absolutely no attraction between us but we get on very well.

Friend said it would be lovely to catch up so we arranged a time. My sister was there when we met and I introduced them. Friend and I went for a drink, during which time my husband rang and said, "Where are you?". I said, "Just having a drink with Fred and I'll be leaving in 10 minutes".
He went mad.

Friend was a bit upset at my obvious shock and we left straight away, I got the train home.

I have had accusations of meeting up with strange men. I pointed out that Fred wasn't a stranger to either of us. He has accused me of lying, cheating, scheming, he doesn't trust me to go out again.

I am aware that I am too nervous recently to even suggest meeting up with friends as it isn't worth the fuss and arguments. By seeing Fred today, on the off chance, it does come across as if I was scheming - but I wasn't. I just thought, "Oh, wonder if Fred is free for a drink". I said where I was, I didn't lie and came straight home.

I'm stuck at home for ever now aren't I? I have sown a seed and everytime I go and see my sister, I will have the third degree.

TobyLerone Sat 30-Nov-13 23:05:33

You did nothing wrong.

antimatter Sat 30-Nov-13 23:07:27

what are his issues?
is he controlling you in other areas of your life?
finances perhaps?

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 30-Nov-13 23:10:39

Op if you dont nip this controlling behaviour in the bud right now then You will regret it and be isolated from everything and everyone hmm this is a huge red flag don't sleep walk in to this either lay down the law or think about getting out of this relationship.

Fairylea Sat 30-Nov-13 23:11:26

He is being a controlling arse.

You should have continued with your plans with Fred and not gone home immediately when your dh wanted you to. You're feeding his control by giving into him.

He is being emotionally abusive.

pictish Sat 30-Nov-13 23:13:55

What a controlling tosspot he is.
What happens if you defy him and do what you want anyway?

atosilis Sat 30-Nov-13 23:15:54

I have been asked to visit a couple who I have met through a forum for people with a similar interest. Every now and then, approx 10 months or so, members meet up for a meal. I met this couple on the first meal I went to 3 years ago. We get on very well and are always pleased to see each other. They have invited me to visit them (last meeting was last week) and I said I'd love to come. Their house and town sound beautiful.

I am genuinely thinking that I will have to be honest and say that I am very sorry but I am too nervous to even ask my husband if I can come. The row will be massive.

My husband does not come out to anything, seriously nothing. We never go to the cinema or exhibitions or concerts - NADA.

If I don't make an effort, I don't go out either. I suppose I can go and see this couple for the day. My life never used to be like this, but trips out now are a major hassle and I spend hours trying to work out how I'm going to broach the subject.

wontletmesignin Sat 30-Nov-13 23:17:23

You have done nothing wrong.
He is being controlling.

Do not let his huffig and puffing stop you doing what you want.
It will do you no favours in the long run

CailinDana Sat 30-Nov-13 23:19:28

This no way to live. You might as well be in prison. Do you have children?

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 23:19:46

It's far far far from easy, but this has to stop, I agree.

This is bullying, and abuse, and I'm sorry to say it never gets better - it gets worse. Have you asked him about this? If he thinks his behaviour is reasonable given that you've never given him reason to doubt you (I presume...) ?

How might he feel about counselling?

wontletmesignin Sat 30-Nov-13 23:19:50

Oh this is no good for you. My ex was like that...i couldnt find a way to approach him.
Sometimes id try the instant approach - resulted in a row. Other times id leave it til the last minute - also resulted in a row.

You find yourself never able to win.
It is not healthy

atosilis Sat 30-Nov-13 23:20:54

If I do go anyway, he really goes spare. He shouts that I always do what I want. He is retired and earns more money than me in pension, even though I work full-time. He wants me at home with him at the weekends. If I disagree he thinks I am actively saying, and I quote, "You just think FUCK YOU John, I don't care what you think, FUCK YOU, I will do what I want".

I don't think that, I just think, "I'd like to visit friends".

atosilis Sat 30-Nov-13 23:22:09

We have adult children and they are aware he has turned into a hermit.

pictish Sat 30-Nov-13 23:23:37

I will have to be honest and say that I am very sorry but I am too nervous to even ask my husband if I can come.

Seriously - just read again what you have written. Since when does a grown adult need to fear asking permission to visit a friend??!

So wrong. sad

atosilis Sat 30-Nov-13 23:23:52

Some posters will think, "Jeez atosilis, is this still going on, haven't we read this before?" Sorry to those posters, it's still going on and I'm still here.
:-(

tethersend Sat 30-Nov-13 23:24:01

I think 'Fuck you, John' is just about a spot on response, actually.

You absolutely cannot live like this.

tethersend Sat 30-Nov-13 23:24:56

Hey John- if you're reading this: FUCK YOU.

pictish Sat 30-Nov-13 23:26:19

Yes...he uses his anger to control you. He makes it so unpleasant for you that you daren't go against him. He also manipulates the situation so that he becomes the victim, rather than you. Of course, you are the actual victim.

He is abusing you darling. It's totally unacceptable.

CailinDana Sat 30-Nov-13 23:27:17

Has he always been like this?

TobyLerone Sat 30-Nov-13 23:28:18

"FUCK YOU John, I don't care what you think, FUCK YOU, I will do what I want".

And that is exactly what you should be thinking. I'd be saying it, too.

But I used to be married to a 'John', and the huffing and puffing quickly escalated. It took me a very long time to do something about it.

atosilis Sat 30-Nov-13 23:28:34

Yes, he does make out that he's the poor soul and I'm the baddy. Thanks for the replies, I did need to check that I wasn't doing wrong. I'm going to bed and will sleep a bit more peacefully now.

pictish Sat 30-Nov-13 23:29:31

And I think "FUCK YOU, I will do what I want" would actually be the correct response to this utter bully of a fucking husband you have got.

CrystalDeCanter Sat 30-Nov-13 23:33:06

Atosilis this is absolutely not on - your husband is a miserable arse, he, of course, is welcome to stay in on his own and be utterly alone. However, he has NO RIGHT to make you do it too.

Are your children supportive of you? Can you get them onside to help you stand up to your husband?

But really, I think you sound very unhappy and would benefit from getting away from him.

I agree with tethersend Fuck you John.

KittiesInsane Sat 30-Nov-13 23:33:51

Perspective? Here's mine.

DH is long-term sick, and we have three children, one with special needs and currently very needy indeedy.

Last weekend I wanted to go out for the day to a hobby-related event, and hesitated in case he couldn't cope. He was insistent that I should go, meet people, and get out of the house for a bit -- even though that gave him no break himself.

atosilis Sat 30-Nov-13 23:34:44

He does need an independent observer to tell him that he can't keep me locked away from friends. I NEED friends and social interaction.

I'll come back on tomorrow and see how he is in the morning. He's gone off to bed in a major strop. Good night and thanks.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now