Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New relationships - impatience and idiots!

(89 Posts)
LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 21:43:22

I separated from my husband a year or so ago and my divorce came through around a month ago. I'm past that, I went to Relate, I dealt with his infidelity and looked at my role in our many many problems.

But now the dating!!! What a bloody saga. I've dated younger, older, hot hot hot, less than hot, a bit boring.... The problem is, this last guy was a gem. Or so I thought. We started dating a month ago. Sweet, kind, affectionate, generous, a little older, cheated on by his ex wife (3 years ago) and had a difficult relationship with a new woman about 18 months ago. We had a weekend away... and he seems to have gone nuts!

I asked him if we were exclusive after our weekend away, explained that I wasn't intending to see anyone else and just wondered if he felt the same. He was realy annoyed. Said he felt as if I was accusing of something and why would I do that. That he was a decent genuine guy and would never never date anyone else whilst he was gettint to know someone.

I felt awful. Trouble is, my close freinds are on the OD curcuit too and had seen his profile "online" on several occasions lately. He explained it away as must have opened a message or something... I felt torn. I asked him what was going on. Said he's confused, unsure, doesn't know what he wants. So I said - lets leave it at that then shall we, because I like you and if you don't feel the same.... But he very much wanted us to keep talking while he thinks things through.

Trouble is, after a few days his messages are infrequent, he never calls any more, he replies to text with things like "sorry I was too busy to reply, I will later..." So I've said today - essentially - that if he just doesn't feel for me the way he seemed to a couple of weeks ago then I don't see how time and space away from me is going to fix that.

a) Is he an arse who's playing me and I'm so very much wanting to be loved again thatn i'm clinging to any chink of light that he's a good guy.

b) Am I unreasonable and he's just a bit scared and I should have given him the time to think that he asked for patiently and with good grace.

Oh deary deary me!!!
Thanks loves x

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 11:25:03

So I'd rather hoped CountryMouse would reply something... at some point... to my message sad My feelings are much more hurt than I realised they'd be. I want to call him, or drive over and throw myself on the floor like a toddler and say - what the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you know I'm a catch!

Panic not. I won't. I'll just be a little blue instead.

TheNewSchmoo Sun 01-Dec-13 11:51:31

I'm going through the same (although met conventionally not OD). His request for time and space to get his head together was the wimps way of saying "I don't want to do this anymore" and has led to weeks of silence and my continually checking my phone for the text saying "I've sorted my head out and want to start again". Which we all know is never going to come.

I am so fed up with feeling sad, teary and generally shit.

Sorry to hijack. Hope you have a nice day today.

antimatter Sun 01-Dec-13 12:06:10

TheNewSchmoo - this level of sadness happened to me until I realised most men are weak and hate confrontation.
I am not going to change them - what I decided is to assume EVERY ONE of them is like that.
Enough to say.... still waiting to be proven wrong grin

DoingItForMyself Sun 01-Dec-13 12:25:53

TheNewSchmoo, rest assured this probably won't be the last you hear of him, but by the time he does get in touch you'll be well over him!

LineRunner Sun 01-Dec-13 12:32:41

Is it just me desperately wondering what the irrecoverable incompatibility with Big Spoon is?

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 13:02:10

I think there's something really cowardly about the whole silent dumping stuff, and the needing time/space, it's moving too fast cobblers. I don't think - even if they came back on bended knee afterwards (to be fair not ONE of mine ever have, once they go it's like they evaporate, I never hear from or see them again!) that I could respect a man who would hide behind inaction like that.

I did dump someone by voicemail, so I'm not exactly the king here either. But at least I said what I felt (in a message!)

I was going to say b. But I don't know. I have strong boundaries in OD. Really treating them mean to keep them keen, I never reply to messages straight away, I let them pursue me and never contact them first by phone or text. I'm being aloof. It seems to work and I wouldn't ask where the relationship was going in the first few months. I also wouldn't take my profile down until they asked but keep dating other people too until they ask about being exclusive grin

I say get back online. Never text him again and have fun. smile

rainbowfeet Sun 01-Dec-13 14:20:44

Letscancelchristmas.. I'm exactly the same with last man... I feel proud of myself that I've had the dignity to back off normally I would cling on & on until a very embarrassing end.. (Me laying on the floor hanging on to his leg while he tried to get away!)wink
But... Pah to dignity I want him to tell me I'm being silly & he is madly in love with me or failing that sex with him again even if it's one last time !!! confused

Bloody men total wankbadgers hmm

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 21:29:08

Thanks french I know you're right - i'm just not quite at the don't-want-him-he's-a-knob-jockey place yet. I know I will be. Currently kicking my own arse for sending him one last say my piece text. I'm such a buffoon.

Oh I'm not a bit like you don't! I'm sure being as soft, empathic and heart on my sleeve as I am will only lead to repeated heart break on my journey, but I can really only be myself I think. I lack your killer self preservation instincts somewhat hmm

Aside from the two (now unanswered!) texts rainbow I'd say I've not done clingy... I am aware that's a version of kidding myself, but since I literally screamed and sobbed on the floor 10 times or so when my husband was on his way out repeatedly... maybe it's baby steps!

Wankbadgers is my new fave vocab grin

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 21:39:05

Ah runner the Big Spoon incompatibility issue... This man is an adonis. A physically beautiful vision of perfection. He's also oddly similar to me in a hundred different quirks of personality. We got on like a house on fire. Never known a "click" like it if I'm honest. A real talk for hours and stare in each others eyes wondering where the hours have gone type. Didn't kiss me at first as he was a little scared I'd reject him.

Er, AS IF!!!

Incredible sex ensued. I mean really quite something. He was similarly enamoured apparently - to my utter incredulousness and astonishment he seemed as taken with me as I him. Over time we talked about our pasts and there I'm afraid we came unstuck. For in this outstanding specimen's past lie skeletons I simply couldn't quite dust away or close the closet door on. He struggled with my initial reaction. He'd never told another soul. He said I made him want to tell me everything. I struggled with his lack of understanding that some things are uncomfortable to hear.

We stopped contact. Unpleasantly and completely. Then I text him one night to say I thought he was a better person for all that he'd come through, and a wonderful person for the reasons behind his actions. That I wanted him to understand that. He replied to my astonishment! We chatted back and forth, some heartfelt exchanges, some utter unadulterated FILTH! All an equal pleasure. We didn't meet in person again. He's now overseas. Working. He returns in the new year. Goodness help me and give me strength if I'm a single girl on his reappearance!

So runner that does, but does not, answer your question. Some things are little secrets between souls...

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 21:43:17

Ah I talk a good talk - but honestly if (when?!) the latest bloke dumps me, I will be a clinging wreck, writing him tear-stained letters (I wish I was joking...!). And we haven't even done the sex yet (though hopefully will have in 3 days time) I'm only going to be worse after that blush

I agree you can only be as you can be. I am hugely thin-skinned, little hurts that skim off other people bruise me like a peach. I can't change, I wouldn't be me. I've been told I shouldn't ever text men, keep them keen etc, but it feels wrong - I don't think that stuff puts the right ones off. And with the wrong ones, yes it might mean things meander on a bit longer than they otherwise might, but in the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world smile

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 23:05:08

I text him (he doesn't answer the phone when "annoyed"?!?) I said my piece!

Then I hit delete on his whole ever all entire text conversation. So the little cute adorablenesses are gone, but so are the hurtful and insensitive ones. I am RID! Maybe I am getting stronger - go figure confused

Oh french we sound like similar kindred peaches! I actually bought the kindle version of "The New Rules of Dating". I can't quite see it for me somehow! Oh I don't doubt it works for some ladies made of tough stuff but I am a smooshbag and suspect I will always be to a degree. I'm not a doormat (she says convincingly...) but as you rightly say - I can't be any one other than little ol' me smile

I've read that. I do put a lot of them into practise. It is too rigid in some respects but after OD dating for a while and testing a lot of the rules out, they do work. It certainly gets rid of the wrong type of people too. But there are some things I disregard from the book. I can imagine the feminists on mn disliking the book a lot grin

But when I don't follow the rules, things don't work out. It's annoying actually. I wish I didn't have to play games. But my skin is thickening over time. I used to be just like a peach believe it or not.

Date number 7 last night with this current chap. Sometimes I prefer being alone to all this.

frenchmanicure Mon 02-Dec-13 08:11:24

Ah lets we peaches need to stick together!

Well done on deleting the texts! That can feel cathartic, I know it has for me in the past, even though it's probably taken me much longer to hit that delete button than other people.

I think all the Rules stuff only works so far; not all men have the confidence to pursue you to that extent getting so little back...and indeed I've found the ones who do all the chasing, and jump through hoops are generally the ones purely looking for a quick shag who you won't see for dust after. That's just my experience of course, but in far too many several years of OD, the only way I've got beyond 2 dates with ANY bloke is to do a bit of the chasing myself...smile

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 02-Dec-13 09:08:12

I thought he was a better person for all that he'd come through, and a wonderful person for the reasons behind his actions.

Wait, so you were put off by something in Big Spoon's past, but then when you had a think about it, you decided that you think he is a "better" and "wonderful" person for it?

Doesn't sound so irreconcilable to me.

LetsCancelChristmas Mon 02-Dec-13 12:19:20

Date 7 huh dont? Good work you! I think I might take a few little tit bits from The Rules but I'm a soft little soul. Some of that makes me all the good things I am too so I don't know how much I want to change confused

Thanks french it felt like the right thing to do! I like hanging on to the cutesy ones but what good are they from a shitbag guy?!? Or wankbadger as I learnt yesterday grin I like to do a liiiiittle bit of the chasing I think, it's fun!!

Ah Hot you/re probably right and I'm probably trying to tell myself that isn't the case. Protecting myself perhaps... Though the difference is I think, I'm fine with - and even admire - the reasons for his actions in the past. That doesn't mean I can make peace with what those actions were... He's a pretty amazing guy but I think it'll remain to be seen whether he's as interested in me when he's back in the country, not stuck overseas and probably a little lonely...

maleview70 Mon 02-Dec-13 12:41:45

Years ago when there was no online and no mobile phones, dating was upfront. You fancied someone on a night out and you tried to pull them! Often unsuccesfully by with the occasional result. When you actually got with someone you liked, all meet ups were arranged before you parted or by phone (landline of course, often with parents in same
Room).....many men, we're often just happy they had pulled someone and relationships tended to grow with people often marrying much younger.

Fast forward to today and for men in particular, online dating is the best shop that has ever opened. All you need is a way with words and a date can flow quickly. Where once you were a bloke in a club surrounded by 200 other blokes and competing for 100 women, you are now in a shop with thousands of women who all want a date! You can't lose. Problem with the shop is that you can buy more than one product at a time, try them all out and then return the ones you don't want to keep! Even if you like the product and decide to keep it for a little while, there is always the sneeking suspicion that maybe a new product has come to market and you might just have a little look!

Needless to say this doesn't help women who more often than blokes are happy to just buy the one and if it works then keep it!

It is a minefield that's for sure!!

rainbowfeet Mon 02-Dec-13 12:58:59

Oh God... Saw him today... Now I can't stop thinking about him & wanting him again!! Grrrrr why can't I be wrong about him!!

Am now fantasising about losing 2 stone & growing my hair longer & him sweeping me off my feet Hollywood chic flick style!!!

This is torture! confused

The book says not to sleep with them until date 10. Presumably to ensure they're serious about you and don't do what maleview says. What a palava! Women can also do the same though maleview wink

It's like a sweet shop isn't it? So many to choose from. I can get loads of messages and winks when logged into Match. I'm very fussy about who I reply to. You can afford to be fussy imo grin

Oh rainbow it is hard isn't it? sad

rainbowfeet Mon 02-Dec-13 13:35:18

Don'tstep... Date 10!!!!! That's a long time if you really fancy someone hmm

I have come off of the dating site.. Resigned to a life of singledom!

I think my problem is I look at this like a male... I am obsessed with who is out of who's league... Hate the feeling that I was punching above my weight with him it made me feel so even more insecure than I already am but if I date someone who I'm not as attracted to I feel like I'm settling & I get bored!! I have a real love/hate relationship with the thrill of the chase!!
It's taking all my willpower not to txt him but I can't face the humiliation if he rejects me. Arghhh I'm 39 years old ffs I sound like a teenager!!confused

frenchmanicure Mon 02-Dec-13 13:43:40

Date 10?!!

Ours will be date 6, albeit that each of the 5 previous dates has been at least 5 hours long (date 4 was 8 hours), and spread over nearly 2 months (plus we spoke for over a month before meeting) so I feel we've waited long enough...date 10 prob wouldn't be til the New Year, I would have done some sort of lust-related spontaneous combustion waiting til then!

sebsmummy1 Mon 02-Dec-13 13:46:38

When it's right it's not this difficult
When it's right it's not this difficult
When it's right it's not this difficult.

Honestly, move along, this guy is not the one for you.

It is a long time rainbow. That's on the premise of one Sat night date a week i.e 10 weeks of dating.

rainbowfeet Mon 02-Dec-13 14:21:23

Lol yes, I went without for 3 years & then this man awakened it all again!!

Thing is I could probably date & eventually find myself in a relationship with someone else but I want him! hmm My friends in RL are fed up with my moping, so I apologise doing it on here!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now