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New relationships - impatience and idiots!

(89 Posts)
LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 21:43:22

I separated from my husband a year or so ago and my divorce came through around a month ago. I'm past that, I went to Relate, I dealt with his infidelity and looked at my role in our many many problems.

But now the dating!!! What a bloody saga. I've dated younger, older, hot hot hot, less than hot, a bit boring.... The problem is, this last guy was a gem. Or so I thought. We started dating a month ago. Sweet, kind, affectionate, generous, a little older, cheated on by his ex wife (3 years ago) and had a difficult relationship with a new woman about 18 months ago. We had a weekend away... and he seems to have gone nuts!

I asked him if we were exclusive after our weekend away, explained that I wasn't intending to see anyone else and just wondered if he felt the same. He was realy annoyed. Said he felt as if I was accusing of something and why would I do that. That he was a decent genuine guy and would never never date anyone else whilst he was gettint to know someone.

I felt awful. Trouble is, my close freinds are on the OD curcuit too and had seen his profile "online" on several occasions lately. He explained it away as must have opened a message or something... I felt torn. I asked him what was going on. Said he's confused, unsure, doesn't know what he wants. So I said - lets leave it at that then shall we, because I like you and if you don't feel the same.... But he very much wanted us to keep talking while he thinks things through.

Trouble is, after a few days his messages are infrequent, he never calls any more, he replies to text with things like "sorry I was too busy to reply, I will later..." So I've said today - essentially - that if he just doesn't feel for me the way he seemed to a couple of weeks ago then I don't see how time and space away from me is going to fix that.

a) Is he an arse who's playing me and I'm so very much wanting to be loved again thatn i'm clinging to any chink of light that he's a good guy.

b) Am I unreasonable and he's just a bit scared and I should have given him the time to think that he asked for patiently and with good grace.

Oh deary deary me!!!
Thanks loves x

daphnesglasses Sat 30-Nov-13 22:00:38

it's not you it's him smile he sounds like an arse. No need to react like that at all to a perfectly reasonable question. I'd bin him and find someone more respectful

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:03:18

One of my good friends says I was just impatient with him... that if I'd given him the time and space he asked for he would have realised how great I am in his own time.

Should the beginning of a relationship really be that tough??

daphnesglasses Sat 30-Nov-13 22:08:04

1. you can ask when you like

2. you went on a weekend away so I think many people would take that as being a bit of a more serious step

3. him getting really annoyed is a red flag IMO

4. if he was really into you he would've been delighted you asked (sorry, no reflection on you at all, just saying he's dithering whereas in my experience if men like you then there's no dithering, unless you asked them this question after the first date or two

You can do better than him. Your divorce is still very recent even though it might not seem like that now. Take some time out maybe, just do stuff you enjoy and don't worry too much about men - this is the time to enjoy the single life I reckon

IWishYouWould Sat 30-Nov-13 22:08:27

No it shouldn't. Trust your instincts, this one is dead in the water. Move on and give your time to someone who won't lie about being 'online'. must have read a message my arse.

daphnesglasses Sat 30-Nov-13 22:09:17

and no you're right the beginning of a relationship should not be that tough. You sound like you're making a great recovery from you exh infidelity and the end of your marriage - don't let dickheads like this derail you wink

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:18:43

Thanks ladies.

Daphnes: Excellent points! I just had such high hopes. I've dated a few utter planks this year. I've worked really hard on my life and myself. I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, dropped a couple of dress sizes... So I guess it's just that scary thing of - WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO HERE PEOPLE?!?

IWYW: My instincts are that he's at best a broken, slight mess of a man. At worst he's a scumbag. In either case he doesn't care about my feelings clearly. It was just the most affection I've ever had in my life for the short time it lasted.

I guess that makes me lovable, or at least affection-able, after all? :D

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:20:11

Nonetheless dying with the relentless phonechecking for a text.....
"I'm so sorry. You're wonderful, what was I thinking..!"

But I don't think that's quite how this tale is going to end...

DoingItForMyself Sat 30-Nov-13 22:22:55

And in either case a lucky escape.

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:24:31

Yes - maybe that's how I should look at it!
Do I really want a man who's either broken or shitty to love me?

(Well I shouldn't do..) ;)

daphnesglasses Sat 30-Nov-13 22:26:53

you never know OP - he'll probably be back around even if it takes a few weeks wink it's a lonely time of year for single people and it's natural to feel the loss if he gave you lots of affection. There's plenty of other nice men out there who will also though, in the future. And yes just take it as proof of your lovability but maybe his ishoos are holding him back, and having already sorted your own stuff you deserve an equal who's also done that

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:30:48

Now that is an EXCELLENT point! He's had years to sort his shit out smile
I saw a book about dealing with anxiety in his study (one of the 5 glorious bedrooms........) so I wanted to fix him a bit too I think. I'm a fixer. Need to snap outta that nasty lil habit.

Mind you, the bedroom shenanigans were pretty top class blush. Hmmmm.

antimatter Sat 30-Nov-13 22:35:27

my observation is ....
OD brings out the worst in people

having no social context (i.e. - no one of his friends/relatives know about your existence) he thinks he can treat those he meets without any courtesy

I bet he would not behave like that if he was dating his mates sister....

so my bit of experience to share with you - you've learned about his worst traits within few weeks what would have otherwise taken months, perhaps years

repeating above - lucky escape for you wine

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:40:33

Anti: Genuinely yet another excellent point - doesn't matter whether those traits are emotional breakage or arsehole-itis, I don't really need either if I'm honest. I can fix my garden gate rather than him perhaps...

Hugs and kisses and cuddles and dinners ARE lovely though sad

rainbowfeet Sat 30-Nov-13 22:45:58

Been through very similar just recently... He said we were exclusive I said I'm not against keeping it casual still but if you're seeing other people then I'd like you to wear a condom with me... Quite reasonable I thought?!

Anyway along with him still being on a dating site (he also said he was just clearing messages)!! shockI just couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't as into me as I was into him, I decided to back off & he didn't try to pull me back so that's that!! hmm
Friends say I didn't give him a chance but I know I'm right! ... He wasn't very attentive & when we were together (except in bed) he was at best Luke warm. Kills me when I see him around because I fancy the pants off him but I'm doing it to protect my heart!! smile Grrrrrrrrrr why do the ones I really like never like me hmm

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:49:29

Rainbow: Sounds reasonable - yes! Irrespective of whether he's sleeping around he could keep a sock on it! It's the nastiness of OD huh. That's the thing I found baffling though about, let's call him Country Mouse, he was sooooo affectionate, attentive, thoughtful, generous.... then BOOM. Don't get it. Bah humbug.

You however, my love, are well rid also I suspect. Pants when they're a hottie though ;)

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:50:49

Now... How I muster the wherewithall to delete his texts in a gesture of grumpy finality? BFF says is crucial to always delete promptly. But I do so hate delete the string of cute loveliness which made me feel special prior to the car crash... hmm

rainbowfeet Sat 30-Nov-13 22:52:06

Bloody twatty men.... Can't live with em but can't live without sex!!! Lol wink

antimatter Sat 30-Nov-13 22:55:42

delete, block forget

(you can see I practiced that)

my bullshitometer works quite well grin

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 22:57:58

Oh how true that is! The unfortunate thing of this particular instance is just HOW.... VERY... good that part was. shock

Still, a previous quite glorious POF encounter, we'll name him Big Spoon, will be back from overseas adventures after Christmas. No love potential there we've decided but we have definite friend potential confused

Whatever has become of me?!

antimatter Sat 30-Nov-13 23:01:06

be pragmatic - do what feels comfortable

don't say "Whatever has become of me?!" - judging yourself harshly for what you want and you in it not damaging anyone
(unless your inner voice is criticising and controlling = then you would)

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 23:09:22

All this OD stuff is hard sometimes! And there are an awful lot of fuckwits out there, some more obvious than others...

I was seeing someone earlier this year who just stopped texting me out of the blue. I was dumped by silence hmm However on the basis he had previously said relationships scared him, and therefore could only date me, he really wasn't much loss!

The one I'm currently dating, and who I really like, might still be on the OD site we met on. He certainly was a few weeks ago. I did think about having the conversation with him, but have decided against it, he is so open about what he's doing and who with (detail I never give him), and just such a nice person, that I don't feel I need to, because I'm happy in my own mind that (if he is still on there) he's not dating other women. I might be deceiving myself on a grand scale of course!

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 23:16:23

Well that's the point at which I cam unstuck French... I couldn't do the weighing up in favour of the common sense you chose. I went with the what could he possibly bloody want with being on there now he's dating me option. Phrased it far more tactfully of course. Just go with our guts I guess smile

Such an artificial situation. Very odd quirk of modern life huh!

Anti: Yes, pragmatic. Pragmatically Big Spoon and I have many compatibilities (plus and minus clothes) and get on like a house on fire, we just have one unrecoverable INcompatibility precluding a happy little life together. The photos he mischievously sends from overseas from time to time however... (which until today I have point blank ignored...) make a pragmatic approach to his return very appealing. Indeed!

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 23:55:13

Haha I don't know if it's common sense or I'm just stupid, I guess time will tell!

I've been on more dates than I can remember in several years of OD, and never met anyone I got on with before this (other than MrDumpedbySilence, and tbh he only seemed ok at the time because of the long line of fuckwits preceding him!), most of the time I never even got offered a second date...hence I'd advise making the most of someone you get on with (even if no relationship potential!) so enjoy a bit of pragmatism over Xmas grin

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 00:11:28

DumpedBySilence could have been the alterego of a couple of mine! What the hell is that. Minimal effort I guess?! I do think that's possibly why MrCountryMouse seemed extra wonderful - the aforementioned precedents set by twats. Low threshold for excellence.

Big Spoon just sent me a photo update. Of his "tan" blush
Very pragmatic indeed

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