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dh just packed and left.

(46 Posts)
enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:11:57

I'm afraid I will end up drip feeding. I can't type out everything in one go' because I'm afraid I might cry.

I think it's just the death of a 1000 cuts. I just lost it today in the car and told him, I'm done. Straw the broke the camel's back- I asked about getting DM to babysit and going out. He said we have no money, which is true, fair enough. A week or 2 later he is going to poker with his mates. OK. Not too bad as they only put a fiver in the pot and take beers. Then suddenly it is, we are going around town later. Had an arguement about it and I assumed he was just going to the poker. Today is the day, and he is off out, but not before he has tried to twist it and say, I did think we had no money, and I did ask you if you wanted to go out then after the argument. (To me, this was just because he realised he had to, because he wanted to go out with his friends)

Went out to a private clinic today, with youngest dcs about something that I have been panicking about for weeks, months, years. Dc's didn't cry, but I did. Doctor ended up hugging me. Dh was sat in the waiting room with other dc's. We was told to wait for 10 mins, before we leave after the procedure and what does dh do? Goes outside leaving me on my own with dc's while he makes arrangements for his night out tonight.

I had to explain to him why I was angry, and besides that, I had to ask a complete stranger in the waiting room to watch the dc's becasuse my D's wanted the toilet.

I'm fed up of being his moral compass, which I told him. It's exhausting always having to explain everything from my point of view.

He went upstairs and when he got down, he had a bag packed. He said goodbye, and I said for good? And he nodded. So I said OK and as he left my bitch came out and I said have fun, and then shut the door.

I don't know if this is it or not. If I even want it to be. I don't want this life but I'm not sure the other is going to be better. I'm dreading telling dcs. What a mess.

I've spent a long long time, tooing and growing between leaving and staying. I am the worlds best circular arguer, in my own head, I rumunciate and procrastinate to the point that it drives me mad.

Some perspectives from you lovely lot might help, but please be gentle. I'm not in a good place right now.

MeMySonAndI Sat 30-Nov-13 23:16:04

Hey, I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I don't know if he will come back tomorrow, but if he does and he starts talking to you, just listen. Not talking during a conversation it's the best tool to find what exactly the other person is thinking.

As Effic says, this is not the time to make decisions, however this is not either the time to let yourself break into pieces. Cry tonight but don't let yourself go. The children need you in one piece.

If he doesn't return, there is a little bit of a silver lining there, as the longer people stay together after a decision has been made, the more difficult and painful the situation becomes for you and your children.

I found that when my ex and I split, routine kept me sane, and it only took a few days, very few days, for me to realise that I was already on my own even when I was married. The only thing that changed after he moved out was that I had much less work to do and I was far more relaxed at the end of the day. I also realised that taking care of DS on my own was much easier than nagging exh to help and then have to do everything myself anyway.

Having said that, you need to have some control over the situation and for that you need to know where you are. And that control comes with taking action over the financial matters. I'm afraid that not being married and not working, there is not much of a hurry to start spending money in solicitors. What you need to do is make a bee line to the job center/CAB and find out how you can apply for support to keep you and the children afloat during this difficult time.

not many words but hand holding.
x

cjel Sat 30-Nov-13 22:16:30

Have a good night. it may help to have a think tomorrow what you may like your life to be and not leave all the control to others. I may be a cause of your anxiety.

Also don't nuts have a soporific effect?xx

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 21:53:26

Good night enlightmequick

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 21:44:32

Thanks viv I'm not one to scream, throw things, or destroy his stuff.

Besides, I'm not mad enough. I'm not even mad at all. Numb, indifferent, resigned, fed up, scared, would be more of a description.

Going for an early night, as I don't sleep well at the best of times, and think I'm going to have a terrible nights sleep.

I've eaten half a packet of nuts too.

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 21:35:50

I'd go with calm dignity. Always dignity, dignity, dignity.

I do think you need legal advice about the house as you say it's all in his name and you're not married.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 21:25:50

No. I'm not sure he will. He isn't a push over and he is someone with dignity.

I will be surprised if he comes back tomorrow.

He only took one bag and his work tools are here, so he has to come back eventually. I think he has just taken the ones he needs for now.

I'm not sure what I want or I'll say. I usually play most things by ear.

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 21:15:55

Have you thought what to do when he returns tomorrow?

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 20:42:18

Ananda it's actually over 20 years for my 2 only relationships combined. And both have made me unhappy.

On a plus though, I've just realised that when he packed his bag, he took all his clothes from the ironing pile.

Silver lining and all that.........

AnandaTimeIn Sat 30-Nov-13 20:19:47

5 years, 7 years...

You don't need a man to make you feel better....

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:43:23

toffee he won't be back. It would be about £40/50 in a taxi and he can't drive if he's drinking.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:34:25

Sorry dcs got my iPad!

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:33:32

Yes gold digger I threw him out 7 years ago when I found him texting someone else. I begged then blush but he was adamant he wanted out, I tried to turn it into a break and after 10 days, saw the error of my ways and ended it. That was a Thursday, by the Sunday, he had moved back in.

He was young (younger than me as well) and was using her as a reason to move on. I spoke to her months later when I realised the dates on his bill didn't match the story. She says it was one date. No reason to disbelieve her.

I'm not the same person now. I don't cry much anymore, he and eldest DC joke I have a cold heart.

Is it any wonder. hmm

toffeesponge Sat 30-Nov-13 19:32:01

Don't forget to double lock the door..

Golddigger Sat 30-Nov-13 19:29:38

sad [hugs]
It is up to you what you do about it all.
I sort of wonder whether it is all a big tiff. But I am only someone posting on a keyboard. Very hard to assess much being a stranger on a keyboard.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:25:02

By that, I mean, he panicked that I had ended it and had a change of heart himself.

He broke my heart then, my ex broke it 5 years previously, I don't think it can be broke again.

I think I have kept him at arms length every since.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:22:29

Yes gold digger I threw him out 7 years ago when I found him texting someone else. I begged then blush but he was adamant he wanted out, I tried to turn it into a break and after 10 days, saw the error of my ways and ended it. That was a Thursday, by the Sunday, he had moved back in.

He was young (younger than me as well) and was using her as a reason to move on. I spoke to her months later when I realised the dates on his bill didn't match the story. She says it was one date. No reason to disbelieve her.

I'm not the same person now. I don't cry much anymore, he and eldest DC joke I have a cold heart.

Is it any wonder. hmm

Golddigger Sat 30-Nov-13 19:15:49

Have either of you walked out on the other before?

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:13:59

cog maybe some truth in that. When I expressed my annoyance that he could find the money to go out with his mates (credit card), he said, do you not want me to go then? I said, I'm not going to tell you what to do, you are a grown man <oxymoron > and you should know the right thing to do.

But he still went.

cjel Sat 30-Nov-13 19:12:04

I'm sure you haven't wasted your life so far but if you feel you have , use that to spurr you on to not wasting another day. I was 52 and had been with my H 35 years when I left, Thats wasting!!!!!

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:09:45

Do you know what I really want? A big crystal ball, that tells me that staying works out the best, or leaving works out the best. <don't we all>

Just did the biggest sigh ever and put my head in my hands.

I just feel like I've made so many wrong choices and it's the big 40 next year and I've wasted my life so far.

I'm aware that this seems melodramatic. Mid life crisis????

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 30-Nov-13 19:07:45

He doesn't think you're very intelligent, does he? Cooking up a fight so that he can flounce off and stay out all night has to be the oldest trick in the book. I would be calling a locksmith and getting a few fresh bolts put on the doors quite honestly. 'Big man' flouncing out.... not such a big man when he has to plead to be let back in..... smile

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 30-Nov-13 19:04:30

He'll be back. Ive had the same thing happen in the past, funnily enough it was a poker night aswell, and funnily enough its poker night tonight for DH and his mates and this is probably the firsr time we havent argued before fucking poker

Sleep on it, your mind will be more clear im the morning to make choices about what you want.

Ebayaholic Sat 30-Nov-13 19:03:24

It does sound a bit like he doesn't want any family responsibilities and if that's the case, you're better off on your own, at least then you can't be let down. Calm down and use this time for reflection. See how he behaves now, this will tell you everything you need to know. I'm so sorry for you

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:58:05

effic he works away a lot. I will just say he is at work, they are pre schoolers.

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