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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Red flag, yeah?

47 replies

sarahjaye · 29/11/2013 23:52

Just had my fifth date with new bloke. Had a lovely time so far, dinners out and met a couple of his siblings, so far so good.

Tonight he came to mine for a meal, and was flinching and positively jumping out of his skin every time my small, friendly dog went anywhere near him.

Seriously, I've never seen anyone react to an animal like this. I mean there's not particularly liking dogs, and I don't expect everyone to do so, but it was extreme. Dislike, not fear, I add.

I'm not sure if it's worth trying to continue a relationship with him, we sure as hell are never living together whilst my dog is alive, that seems certain.

I'm quite upset about it, I was feeling quite hopeful until tonight.

Is it a deal breaker, or should I try and work around it? Getting rid of my dog is NOT an option for me.

OP posts:

Report

beaglesaresweet · 29/11/2013 23:55

I'd hope nobody would suggest on here that you get rid of the dog ! Did he not know that you have a dog, if he dislikes them so much why is he dating a dog owner?? I think it's a no-go, you can't change him.

GinAndIt · 29/11/2013 23:55

Not a red flag as such, imo, but probably a fair sign that he might not be the man for you! Did you ask him about his reaction at all?

JuneauWhoIAm · 29/11/2013 23:56

Put the dog out if the man means that much to you.
I have dogs but I would flinch if a dog was jumping around me at the dinner table.

sarahjaye · 30/11/2013 00:05

Thanks for the replies.

No, the dog was behaving normally, wanting a stroke or to play every now and agin, not fussing around dinner table or anything like that.

He knew I had a dog when we met and said he likes them but wouldn't want one in his home. Ok, fair enough, but he is so obviously uncomfortable being in my home, I just can't see this continuing!

I DO apologise for the triviality of this post, some people are having a really terrible time and this is pretty small fry in comparison. It's just the first time I've dated after a LTR and I had quite a good feeling about it.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 30/11/2013 00:08

Couldn't you just shut the dog in another room?

PenguinDancer · 30/11/2013 00:09

Not a red flag but obviously no point for you. I would assume a guy really keen would make more effort.

bunchoffives · 30/11/2013 00:09

This is NOT a red flag. Red flags are when someone shows early signs of being an abuser. This is, erm... he doesn't like dogs. You do.

Just sayin.

MeMySonAndI · 30/11/2013 00:14

Well... you are a dog person, and I assume the dog is at least a little bit like family to you. I wouldn't be happy about someone flinching at my house, flinching at my dog would put him in the "not-a-keeper" category. Simply put, you are different.

I also think that people who are nasty to animals are very often also nasty to people, once they start to feel more relaxed about the relationship.

sarahjaye · 30/11/2013 00:14

I don't think it would be fair on the dog to shut him in another room or outside, TBH. For 90% of the time he sleeps on the floor, being very quiet.

It just seemed so bizarre, the flinching... Really over the top, especially after he'd said he didn't mind them.

Hey ho, looks like this is a non starter, eh?!

OP posts:

bunchoffives · 30/11/2013 00:17

Fraid so... move on and look for a doglover!

beaglesaresweet · 30/11/2013 00:18

Jean, shutting the dog in another room is hardly the answer. If OP likes to have gher small dog in the house and in same room, why the heck should she shut it out everytime the man is there, but more to the point how would dthat work if they live together? he said he wouldn't want to own a dog, and she isn't going to abandon hers.
I dispair at the cold remerks from some people, also bunch. It's not just 'liking', people who have a dog often love the dog and see it almost like a family member, if you can't relate to that that doesn't make dog-owners wrong, or can just abandon their pet, dogs aer sensitive animals and love their (nice)owners.

FluffyJumper · 30/11/2013 00:18

You could ask him about it. If you don't like the way he answers then you can decide not to carry on seeing him.

beaglesaresweet · 30/11/2013 00:20

cross pst with sarah! and MeMy

MeMySonAndI · 30/11/2013 00:21

I think I will be put off, not so much about the dog but about the flinching, I would see him as a wimp and that is not the sort of person I would like to have around me in the long term.

beaglesaresweet · 30/11/2013 00:23

*despair, remarks

sarahjaye · 30/11/2013 00:24

I've asked him about it a few times and got the 'I don't mind them, but don't want an animal in my house' answer. Tonight, he was a bit mean, and shouted at the dog when he got too close.

I guess I'm going to fire up my dormant subs to match.com fairly soon!

Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:

beaglesaresweet · 30/11/2013 00:25

agree again with Me, he sounds prissy, and precious.

bunchoffives · 30/11/2013 00:26

I don't think pointing out that finding a feckin dog annoying is not abusive is insensitive, or suggesting you go out with someone who likes dogs as much as you do would be wise, is anything but common sense really, surely? Not really sure what point you are making?

Alfalfalafel · 30/11/2013 00:27

I'm a total dog lover, and to be honest I am not keen on people who don't like them. It would be a deal breaker for me. And just from a practical point of view it's awkward having him in the house..

I have to agree though that 'red flag' is not the right description. I opened the thread thinking about an abusive man, not one that just doesn't like dogs!

DIddled · 30/11/2013 00:28

Dog hater= non starter for me.

beaglesaresweet · 30/11/2013 00:28

well Op, if he reiterated that he wouldn't have then in his house, bin him - he sounds very sure, and obviously IGNORES the fact that you like your dog, he's pretty much telling you that to be live with him you'd have to get rid of the dog . How entitled is that .

beaglesaresweet · 30/11/2013 00:31

to live, not to be live !

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pigsDOfly · 30/11/2013 00:31

Oh god OP if someone shouted at my dog that would be it for me. If you're like me your dog's a member of your family, the man isn't. Ditch him.

sparklysilversequins · 30/11/2013 00:33

He shouted at your dog? Dump.

nooka · 30/11/2013 00:39

I'd guess he has an irrational fear of dogs, covers it up with a gruff facade and didn't want to tell you about it in case you thought he was a 'wimp' (not very nice!). But it's clearly a non starter for you. If anyone shouted at my dog they wouldn't be invited to my house again. Even if your dog is highly irritating (some dogs are, DSis dog I'm looking at you!) you love him and find new bloke's reactions upsetting.

If he really was actively mean to the dog (especially knowing that you love him) then it is possible a s a 'true' red flag as well.

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