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How predictable, another husband and porn thread

(133 Posts)
jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 20:06:37

Well my husband has finally admitted 'a problem ' with porn, no surprise to me, he says it's all mainstream but I cannot come to terms with the way he has rejected me for such a long time so I think it might be game over. He has always known I don't care about mainstream porn it's the lying and replacing a physical relationship with his own interests.

He has always been 'a lovely man' but over the years there have been some 'incidents' which have been unnerving for me.
There was a lot of child abuse around my family when I was growing up and I am unsurprisingly more sensitive to it than most people.
I have witnessed what I believe to be inappropriate behaviour from him, with young people /children which could be written off or barely noticed by some people. and i found one websearch in 2008 which could be construed as dodgy depending on your feelings about the subject
I don't think I can go further in finding out what he's 'in to' I can't be bothered, I am angry and feel let down and if he is a pervert I don't think I'm ready to find out.

He works in IT for 30 years and if he wanted to he could hide anything. He is generally quite secretive and not particularly sexual with me unless I make a big deal of it, although I know he is interested in sex because I have in the past done limited cyber stalking and apart from one occasion I found him to have 'normal' interests.

The other big issue is that I suffer with anxiety which has been made worse following the birth of my children and it's hard for me to work out what is a genuine problem and what is my over active and paranoid imagination.
I can't discuss it with friends because it's such a controversial subject and I can't just rock up at the police station with the computer because if I'm wrong It will of course wreck my marriage although it feels pretty much shattered now.

I need to know if there is anything to be concerned about though, I have daughters and we are around other children all the time. We have argued about it over the years but my husband was adamant it's all 'in my head.

I have discussed this in counselling but he has previously refused come to counselling although today he says he will get counselling and sort out his 'problem' and wants me to give him a chance.

I feel like I have given him all the chances, in the early days he was interested in me sexually but it died down quite fast, he convinced me I just had a high sex drive and I tried to come to terms with our differences because everything else about him seemed so wonderful. We probably have sex every six weeks normally after I have moaned about the lack of intimacy,
I have pretty much stopped initiating it as the actual act is too depressing, like an act, I felt like a vessel no sparks from him and to be frank I feel like I've gone off him.
He thinks we could get back on track if he gets 'help' although on the other hand he says he's no different to any other man, I maintain that if you are withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography and god knows what else then it is different from other men who can enjoy porn alongside a healthy sexual relationship.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I chose him over other men when I was dating men who I'm sure would have wanted a healthy sexual relationship, now my self esteem is thorough the floor and I don't know what to do next.
We have a beautiful home, he is the main earner and my brain is shot!

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 03-Feb-14 16:14:25

Hi I thought I ought to update as so many of you had been kind to offer advice on a very sensitive issue. Thanks so much for helping me to keep going.
I did contact the police after speaking to a couple of other agencies. We spoke on the phone and then I had to go in for an informal interview.

They said that my information on its own isn't enough of a red flag for them, they certainly wouldn't initiate searching IT equipment without much stronger evidence and they have done a background check and told me 'off record' that there is nothing on him at all (nor me for that matter!)
they advised that young is very different from children in a porn search and pretty much repeated a lot of what my husband had said to me in defence.
They can't act on somebody looking 'in a funny way' (their words not mine) at children in real life unless there was other corroborating evidence. They have made a log of all we discussed but the policeman I met didn't want to file a formal report at this point as he said it could potentially ruin my husband's life if he is innocent.

Both the police I spoke to are male and both stressed that on it's own his porn searches are not unusual and are indicative of a general problem with porn rather than a specific interest in children/underage sex.

The child abuse department have been notified and they will decide whether to take any further action which would be a social services referral and any safeguarding actions required from there. I am still awaiting the outcome although he said if there's no cause for their concern I won't hear anything from them.

The police and other agencies advised that reporting it was the right thing with regards to the safety of my children which is reassuring but there is nothing else I can do at this stage unless I pay privately for an IT company to take our equipment. I don't have that sort of money and have involved the police so I feel some relief that I have dealt with it in the right way at this point.

We are still separated but unfortunately stuck in the same home which is uncomfortable but not permanent so I'm struggling through day by day and hoping that there will soon be a resolution in our living situation.

Thanks

Jaded.

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 20:58:03

In that case I don't think you've got any alternative but take them to the police if you want to know for sure.

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 19:25:34

* on mumsnet not my!

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 19:25:12

It was an invitation extended to my husband as well! I'm not near London at a) but thank you. I have looked online but it all seems to involve sending the hard drive away and of course there's the ipad too, I can't just randomly posy hundreds of pounds worth of equipment to Internet strangers (although I have no problem baring my soul to them on my!)

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 18:03:38

How kind of your neighbour! Would that help take the pressure off? (Or make things worse?)

Let me know if I can pass you on details for Mac recovery places.

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 17:44:13

I agree re the small screen. He is minimising as usual because me and the children use the ipad and the mac. Yuk yuck yuck
I have started to get the facts together re my next steps. I'm fee empowerment at the same time as fear.
I bumped into a neighbour this morning who is a (not close) friend who invited us all round for Christmas. I just responded vaguely with lots of smiles and then cried on the way to work.

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 17:18:51

You're so right Jaded, it's easy for us to give advice, I can only imagine how hard it must be to living through this.

I'm not sure that I believe he watched it all on his phone, although I suppose that would help him hide it from you, because you wouldn't get the full effect on such a small screen. And yeah, he could well be bluffing.

I don't where you are in the country, but I know a couple of data recovery places for Macs in London.

I'd have thought he'd be less likely to be watching dodgy stuff now he knows you're onto him, that's why I think it's so important to look for past activity.

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 16:46:16

Hey says it's on his iPhone and he has invited me to get all the gadgets checked out although he could be calling my bluff.

TheAwfulDaughter Mon 09-Dec-13 12:12:30

Jaded- I know it's really hard. But as outsiders, the black and white of it makes it see how sinister it could be.

Where does he view his porn? With a MacBook or a Mac? Would it be possible to look at getting a key logger installed to monitor any searches?

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 03:44:18

Twinklestein you always hit the nail on the head. That's why I was speaking to guy who works in data recovery. He specialises in PCs though and we have macs. Also he said due to the number of OS updates it might be impossible to find.
I do think about contacting the police but the stress of having a swat team ransack our house, e distressing our children and for all the neighbours to witness is more than I can bear. I am not ready to take that on.

It's probably a lot easier for you and on the outside looking in than it is to be here with the kids and his constant protestations.

Twinklestein Sun 08-Dec-13 21:36:32

Awful Daughter - would it be possible to get a IT specialist to trawl the pcs first - rather than taking them straight to the police? Do the police have methods not available to civilians?

Because if there's nothing incriminating on there, the husband is going to get on his high horse and stay there, and the OP will feel foolish for wasting police time.

Twinklestein Sun 08-Dec-13 21:32:52

Friends tend to say what they think good friends should say. They've only found out recently about your difficulties and therefore encourage you to persevere. But from all that you have said here, it's too late. This has gone on too long. You could do counselling every day for a year and you still wouldn't trust him at the end of it.

As for the changing stories on the 'young sex' issue - it just gets worse and worse! Who the f*ck is curious about 'young sex' apart from pervs? There are 1000s of girls who look incredibly young on mainstream porn sites, there's masses of stuff if that floats your boat, no reason to go looking for more. It's hard to believe that an adult man doesn't understand that the truth is what is needed here. Unless the truth is too damning...

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 08-Dec-13 19:40:45

He curiously wanted to look at 'young sex pics'? Normal men aren't curious about what comes up under 'young sex pics'

And not being funny, dazed- but I'm quite sure nothing would come up if he googled it apart from standard porn of questionably (but 18 plus) women. There was probably nothing for him to be horrified at. It's just bullshit.

He knows that the image search is on your mind, he is changing his story to something more acceptable.

Saying he googled 'young sex pics' out of curiosity but was HORRIFIED AND NEVER DID IT AGAIN is a case of 'admitting to something so he can't be blamed for something else'. Minimising. He was searching for underage girls but wasn't aroused and just curious and actually was horrified, so all is well? hmm

He has just admitted to searching for underage porn.

Why haven't you called the police

jadeddazedandconfused Sun 08-Dec-13 11:22:07

I am taking it easy, it's difficult because normally I'd be focused on Christmas prep now but I can't get my shit together. I have long distance relatives and would normally be getting the parcels ready now, I had also planned to make a lot of gifts this year, I have all the gubbins but none of the motivation!
And the kids are running riot wrecking the house while I continue wading through the treacle!

MissScatterbrain Sun 08-Dec-13 10:28:56

Exactly Annie hmm

OP, you do sound a bit more determined. You can only do this in stages and I am sure once you know where you stand legally, you will feel much stronger and better informed about what you need to do next. This stage is so hard as you have so much questions and uncertainties.

Take things easy today.

jadeddazedandconfused Sun 08-Dec-13 10:28:51

Indeed anniegetyourgun.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 08-Dec-13 10:20:09

he's trying to say the right thing to please me

Not, I notice, the truth.

jadeddazedandconfused Sun 08-Dec-13 09:56:47

Oh and H now says that the 'young' search was curiosity and he wanted to see what was out there and was shocked and horrified and has never done it since...

This is why I feel I can't continue with him, he keeps changing his story and it's exhausting keep asking and going over the same old ground.
He agrees to if the boot were on the other foot he would feel the same way as me.

He says his story keeps changing because my interrogation makes him nervous and he's trying to say the right thing to please me but keeps tripping over himself. I must confess I have been most intrusive and pressurising with my questions.

jadeddazedandconfused Sun 08-Dec-13 09:49:32

Morning Missscatterbrain thanks for your advice. I have contacted a family member who works in the legal profession. I have emailed, we are not particularly close and I don't feel ready to discuss it over the phone.
I have also looked at the link you posted and bookmarked it, my relative's speciality is not family law but I thought he'd be a good place to start, he might help me cut through some of the quagmire and I will systematically work my way through the list you sent plus create my own list: it's all in my head what I need to do but it's all so huge.

It's really strange being out and about bumping into friends and neighbours. I am being quite short with people rather than having to be deceitful and risk getting upset and over sharing!

I'm back at work tomorrow which is a mixed blessing.
I have confided in one colleague who I trust implicitly so at least I have someone to talk to if it gets too hard but they are all good work friends, invariably the conversation turns to Christmas plans, family chat etc. I am fortunate that H is on nights over the festive season so it's easier to talk about crimbo just in relation to me and the kids.

MissScatterbrain Sun 08-Dec-13 08:53:42

Please do not feel guilty.

He is the guilty one.

He is the one who is breaking up his family with his actions and lies.

He is the one who should be supporting you.

He is the one who made these choices, not you.

I would make a list and do one thing at a time - ie, see a solicitor who offers free half hour consultation.

Have a look at this useful blog

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 07-Dec-13 21:29:11

He feels like a stranger but friends keep going on about counselling, I feel that counselling would just prolong it and I would still never trust him, I feel that counselling would be papering over the cracks for another God knows how many years!

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 07-Dec-13 21:26:21

Hey twinklestein you are so kind.
there is a part of me which is already feeling stronger. I still haven't had any space or time to make any clear decisions. He has given me his account info and there is nothing untoward he says why would I pay there's loads of free stuff online.

Re the questions about his sexual proclivities he has invited me to get his various gadgets checked out and says he only views porn on his phone and wouldn't do it on ipad or computer where me and the children use them.

He keeps trying to kiss and cuddle me and was on about planning a fucking date night next weekend!

I feel that it is over but I feel in limbo, I feel guilty about the children, I feel guilty that I'm not supporting him. He's asked for a glimmer of hope and swears he's not letting our family break up.
He says neither of us can afford to run two homes and blah blah blah. I haven't done anything about seeking legal advice just because it's so much effort. My friend said make sure the solicitors don't rip you off, I swear if I had money I'd just go and put a deposit down now and deal with the rest later.
I just wish he'd fuck off
and disappear so I don't hav to make any decision.
I'm lying in bed in total agony which also weakens my ability to think and plan.

I definitely won't be committing suicide though. I have been through shit times before, the difference is I only ever had myself to think about now there's two little people to consider . I have survived some awful things and started afresh. I am strong a decent determined when push comes to shove but in the past I didn't have this disease to manage.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 07-Dec-13 21:25:54

Hey twinklestein you are so kind.
there is a part of me which is already feeling stronger. I still haven't had any space or time to make any clear decisions. He has given me his account info and there is nothing untoward he says why would I pay there's loads of free stuff online.

Re the questions about his sexual proclivities he has invited me to get his various gadgets checked out and says he only views porn on his phone and wouldn't do it on ipad or computer where me and the children use them.

He keeps trying to kiss and cuddle me and was on about planning a fucking date night next weekend!

I feel that it is over but I feel in limbo, I feel guilty about the children, I feel guilty that I'm not supporting him. He's asked for a glimmer of hope and swears he's not letting our family break up.
He says neither of us can afford to run two homes and blah blah blah. I haven't done anything about seeking legal advice just because it's so much effort. My friend said make sure the solicitors don't rip you off, I swear if I had money I'd just go and put a deposit down now and deal with the rest later.
I just wish he'd fuck off
and disappear so I don't hav to make any decision.
I'm lying in bed in total agony which also weakens my ability to think and plan.

I definitely won't be committing suicide though. I have been through shit times before, the difference is I only ever had myself to think about now there's two little people to consider . I have survived some awful things and started afresh. I am strong a decent determined when push comes to shove but in the past I didn't have this disease to manage.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 12:20:18

Hiya OP, I'm sorry how awful this is for you and that you're feeling so low. I understand that you feel ADs make you feel more anxious, they don't work for everyone.

This no man's land with your husband is the most stressful and exhausting thing possible. You looking for proof and not finding it, he having disappeared the accounts, which of course makes you fear the worst. It's a nightmare. In your position I think I would just say this is it, it's over. No more negotiation, time to change, counselling, that's it. If you are feeling suicidal it's time to end your marriage not your life.

I can only imagine how stressful the last few years must have been. There's nothing worse for physical health than stress. Once you get away from him you may find your mental and physical health improves.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 06-Dec-13 13:48:41

theawfuldaughter I did make a huge fuss at the time with him and periodically bring it up in argument or when I'm feeling vulnerable but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone else plus he was so convincing & my boundaries have been skewed since infancy.
I had a massive visceral reaction and couldn't differentiate between jealousy and horror.

I came on here and posted on here and was pretty much told to get a grip. I tried to conceal my worries even from myself because I wasn't convinced of my own perceptions. And that's why we're still 'together'.

I couldn't Trust my own mind and everyone else is praising him for being an amazing husband and father, so supportive and people tell me he's a saint and no other man would have managed all the things he's done to support my physical and mental health problems.

We enjoy lots of the same interests and I tried to ignore the crap sex life because previous bad relationships had been based in sex so I thought at this time I was being mature and looking at the bigger picture. It seems the opposite of I can't see the wood for the trees: I was looking at too broadly at the wood and didn't notice any trees at all!

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