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How predictable, another husband and porn thread

(133 Posts)
jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 20:06:37

Well my husband has finally admitted 'a problem ' with porn, no surprise to me, he says it's all mainstream but I cannot come to terms with the way he has rejected me for such a long time so I think it might be game over. He has always known I don't care about mainstream porn it's the lying and replacing a physical relationship with his own interests.

He has always been 'a lovely man' but over the years there have been some 'incidents' which have been unnerving for me.
There was a lot of child abuse around my family when I was growing up and I am unsurprisingly more sensitive to it than most people.
I have witnessed what I believe to be inappropriate behaviour from him, with young people /children which could be written off or barely noticed by some people. and i found one websearch in 2008 which could be construed as dodgy depending on your feelings about the subject
I don't think I can go further in finding out what he's 'in to' I can't be bothered, I am angry and feel let down and if he is a pervert I don't think I'm ready to find out.

He works in IT for 30 years and if he wanted to he could hide anything. He is generally quite secretive and not particularly sexual with me unless I make a big deal of it, although I know he is interested in sex because I have in the past done limited cyber stalking and apart from one occasion I found him to have 'normal' interests.

The other big issue is that I suffer with anxiety which has been made worse following the birth of my children and it's hard for me to work out what is a genuine problem and what is my over active and paranoid imagination.
I can't discuss it with friends because it's such a controversial subject and I can't just rock up at the police station with the computer because if I'm wrong It will of course wreck my marriage although it feels pretty much shattered now.

I need to know if there is anything to be concerned about though, I have daughters and we are around other children all the time. We have argued about it over the years but my husband was adamant it's all 'in my head.

I have discussed this in counselling but he has previously refused come to counselling although today he says he will get counselling and sort out his 'problem' and wants me to give him a chance.

I feel like I have given him all the chances, in the early days he was interested in me sexually but it died down quite fast, he convinced me I just had a high sex drive and I tried to come to terms with our differences because everything else about him seemed so wonderful. We probably have sex every six weeks normally after I have moaned about the lack of intimacy,
I have pretty much stopped initiating it as the actual act is too depressing, like an act, I felt like a vessel no sparks from him and to be frank I feel like I've gone off him.
He thinks we could get back on track if he gets 'help' although on the other hand he says he's no different to any other man, I maintain that if you are withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography and god knows what else then it is different from other men who can enjoy porn alongside a healthy sexual relationship.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I chose him over other men when I was dating men who I'm sure would have wanted a healthy sexual relationship, now my self esteem is thorough the floor and I don't know what to do next.
We have a beautiful home, he is the main earner and my brain is shot!

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 16:46:16

Hey says it's on his iPhone and he has invited me to get all the gadgets checked out although he could be calling my bluff.

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 17:18:51

You're so right Jaded, it's easy for us to give advice, I can only imagine how hard it must be to living through this.

I'm not sure that I believe he watched it all on his phone, although I suppose that would help him hide it from you, because you wouldn't get the full effect on such a small screen. And yeah, he could well be bluffing.

I don't where you are in the country, but I know a couple of data recovery places for Macs in London.

I'd have thought he'd be less likely to be watching dodgy stuff now he knows you're onto him, that's why I think it's so important to look for past activity.

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 17:44:13

I agree re the small screen. He is minimising as usual because me and the children use the ipad and the mac. Yuk yuck yuck
I have started to get the facts together re my next steps. I'm fee empowerment at the same time as fear.
I bumped into a neighbour this morning who is a (not close) friend who invited us all round for Christmas. I just responded vaguely with lots of smiles and then cried on the way to work.

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 18:03:38

How kind of your neighbour! Would that help take the pressure off? (Or make things worse?)

Let me know if I can pass you on details for Mac recovery places.

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 19:25:12

It was an invitation extended to my husband as well! I'm not near London at a) but thank you. I have looked online but it all seems to involve sending the hard drive away and of course there's the ipad too, I can't just randomly posy hundreds of pounds worth of equipment to Internet strangers (although I have no problem baring my soul to them on my!)

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 09-Dec-13 19:25:34

* on mumsnet not my!

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 20:58:03

In that case I don't think you've got any alternative but take them to the police if you want to know for sure.

jadeddazedandconfused Mon 03-Feb-14 16:14:25

Hi I thought I ought to update as so many of you had been kind to offer advice on a very sensitive issue. Thanks so much for helping me to keep going.
I did contact the police after speaking to a couple of other agencies. We spoke on the phone and then I had to go in for an informal interview.

They said that my information on its own isn't enough of a red flag for them, they certainly wouldn't initiate searching IT equipment without much stronger evidence and they have done a background check and told me 'off record' that there is nothing on him at all (nor me for that matter!)
they advised that young is very different from children in a porn search and pretty much repeated a lot of what my husband had said to me in defence.
They can't act on somebody looking 'in a funny way' (their words not mine) at children in real life unless there was other corroborating evidence. They have made a log of all we discussed but the policeman I met didn't want to file a formal report at this point as he said it could potentially ruin my husband's life if he is innocent.

Both the police I spoke to are male and both stressed that on it's own his porn searches are not unusual and are indicative of a general problem with porn rather than a specific interest in children/underage sex.

The child abuse department have been notified and they will decide whether to take any further action which would be a social services referral and any safeguarding actions required from there. I am still awaiting the outcome although he said if there's no cause for their concern I won't hear anything from them.

The police and other agencies advised that reporting it was the right thing with regards to the safety of my children which is reassuring but there is nothing else I can do at this stage unless I pay privately for an IT company to take our equipment. I don't have that sort of money and have involved the police so I feel some relief that I have dealt with it in the right way at this point.

We are still separated but unfortunately stuck in the same home which is uncomfortable but not permanent so I'm struggling through day by day and hoping that there will soon be a resolution in our living situation.

Thanks

Jaded.

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