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How predictable, another husband and porn thread

(133 Posts)
jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 20:06:37

Well my husband has finally admitted 'a problem ' with porn, no surprise to me, he says it's all mainstream but I cannot come to terms with the way he has rejected me for such a long time so I think it might be game over. He has always known I don't care about mainstream porn it's the lying and replacing a physical relationship with his own interests.

He has always been 'a lovely man' but over the years there have been some 'incidents' which have been unnerving for me.
There was a lot of child abuse around my family when I was growing up and I am unsurprisingly more sensitive to it than most people.
I have witnessed what I believe to be inappropriate behaviour from him, with young people /children which could be written off or barely noticed by some people. and i found one websearch in 2008 which could be construed as dodgy depending on your feelings about the subject
I don't think I can go further in finding out what he's 'in to' I can't be bothered, I am angry and feel let down and if he is a pervert I don't think I'm ready to find out.

He works in IT for 30 years and if he wanted to he could hide anything. He is generally quite secretive and not particularly sexual with me unless I make a big deal of it, although I know he is interested in sex because I have in the past done limited cyber stalking and apart from one occasion I found him to have 'normal' interests.

The other big issue is that I suffer with anxiety which has been made worse following the birth of my children and it's hard for me to work out what is a genuine problem and what is my over active and paranoid imagination.
I can't discuss it with friends because it's such a controversial subject and I can't just rock up at the police station with the computer because if I'm wrong It will of course wreck my marriage although it feels pretty much shattered now.

I need to know if there is anything to be concerned about though, I have daughters and we are around other children all the time. We have argued about it over the years but my husband was adamant it's all 'in my head.

I have discussed this in counselling but he has previously refused come to counselling although today he says he will get counselling and sort out his 'problem' and wants me to give him a chance.

I feel like I have given him all the chances, in the early days he was interested in me sexually but it died down quite fast, he convinced me I just had a high sex drive and I tried to come to terms with our differences because everything else about him seemed so wonderful. We probably have sex every six weeks normally after I have moaned about the lack of intimacy,
I have pretty much stopped initiating it as the actual act is too depressing, like an act, I felt like a vessel no sparks from him and to be frank I feel like I've gone off him.
He thinks we could get back on track if he gets 'help' although on the other hand he says he's no different to any other man, I maintain that if you are withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography and god knows what else then it is different from other men who can enjoy porn alongside a healthy sexual relationship.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I chose him over other men when I was dating men who I'm sure would have wanted a healthy sexual relationship, now my self esteem is thorough the floor and I don't know what to do next.
We have a beautiful home, he is the main earner and my brain is shot!

Vivacia Fri 29-Nov-13 20:15:15

It sounds as though there are so many things going on here. I think that the most important thing though is to reassure yourself that he's not up to anything criminal and that your daughters and other children are safe.

Do you feel able to run your concerns past us on here?

Do you feel able to run them past your counsellor?

Vivacia Fri 29-Nov-13 20:16:07

Also, it worries me that he makes you second guess your instinct, judgement and feelings.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 20:29:40

Hi vivacia I appreciate your reply. I am pretty sure nothing is happening in this house but I have no idea what's going on online..

The dodgy web search was 'young sex pics' and h said it was to avoid seeing grannies because of course GILFs are prevalent in your everyday porn search arent they!?
he convinced me it was normal for men to want to look at girls in their late teens/early twenties and I half believed it because I look at my ravaged body and look at theirs and see his point. I discussed it in counselling and the counsellor said well if he likes looking at young girls and that's all you have to worry about it's not a big deal in the great scheme of things.
The weirdest thing was recently when friends stayed over, their 7 year old daughter was doing 'the crab' in her nightie and no underwear on. I walked in to the room and he appeared to be sitting opposite her watching but he got up and started bustling around ad soon as I walked in and I suggested she save the crabbing for when she has pants on, H said it didn't register with him as he sees our DDs messing about like that and he just thinks it's normal although we always tell them to keep their bits to themselves in company.
The other thing was he had a close relationship with his teenage stepdaughter: most of the time it was at her instigation but every time I left the room for example she'd be lying with her head in his lap or jumped up into his arms with her legs around his waist for ages and it made me uncomfortable but he says because of my upbringing I 'see peadophiles on every corner'
So you see I don't know what's normal and if I talk to friends I so t know if their going to think I'm crazy or that he's a danger when I might have it all wrong so I have on the whole bottled it up inside for a few years but it's in my subconscious all the time, affecting my dreams and my spirit. I am not the person I once was and it is slowly driving me insane.

Vivacia Fri 29-Nov-13 20:45:21

There's so much in what you say that I don't know where to start. I can see why you're confused and uncertain though.

I am pretty sure nothing is happening in this house ... I hope my question didn't cause offence, I just thought that this was something you were worried about, and can I may have read too much in to what you wrote.

I look at my ravaged body and look at theirs and see his point. I reckon that "most men" would rather be in a long term, sexual relationship with a real woman than look at stylised images of women acting as sex objects and often under duress or through lack of other options.

Whether right or wrong, I think that most men would feel feel very uncomfortable straight away if they inadvertently saw a 7 year old's privates.

but he says because of my upbringing I 'see paedophiles on every corner' Again, back to the undermining your instinct.

I think you're right to trust your instincts that something's not quite right here. Your husband's behaviour does sound inappropriate at times.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 20:45:26

If it's driving you crazy, whatever the facts, you can't live like this.

There are different issues here:

Replacing intimacy with a porn habit is highly destructive to a relationship and understandably affects your self esteem and respect for your husband.

As to the 'young sex' search, it's ambiguous. On the one hand I'm sure your husband is more than aware that most sites have a 'teen' category, so if he only wanted teens that would be the obvious thing to search for. On the other hand, he didn't explicitly search for 'young teens' or 'child sex' so it's impossible to prove what he was actually after unless you know what sites he accessed as a result.

The incident with the 7 year old is disturbing, but with nothing more concrete than a 'look' to go on, it's difficult to judge.

I do think the behaviour with the step daughter is bizarre, and certainly something I would expect him to discourage - establishing appropriate boundaries is part of the role of a father figure. But, families are different so what's acceptable in one is not in another.

I would go on your gut instincts, if you think there may be something off with a man you spend your life with, you're in a better position to sense that than anyone, even in the absence of hard facts.

BoosterBondageSapphire Fri 29-Nov-13 20:52:21

Please do not ignore your gut feeling, we have instincts for a reason.

If I was ever inclined to look porn or images of late teen/early twenties men I would have more sense than to type in "young sex pics" because I that phrase is quite frankly asking for images of underage nature. If he wanted teen, he could have typed teen. But he didn't.

Porn aside, if any husband of mine made me feel uncomfortable when around young children I would be running as fast as I could in the other direction.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 20:55:36

I look at my ravaged body and look at theirs and see his point

Honestly - you may not believe it but there are many, many men who are genuinely not attracted to teenagers. See them as children and are not interested.

I'm actually surprised myself how many men are not as I was sexually harassed all the way through school (this was the 80s - it was different world) - and went out a lot in London as a teenager and was thus on the receiving end of a lot of hassle from older men. I thought it was a given when I was younger. But actually I was wrong.

Your husband doesn't have a point he just has a particular fetish. Is he looking that great himself?

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 20:59:01

Vivacia I'm not offended its a normal question to ask, I feel confident on that front but how can I really be sure?
and yes twinkelstein Im starting to believe that if it's only my gut which is shouting these things at me that I still have to take notice.
All the 'little things' are ambiguous and when mixed up in an anxious mind they become huge. H believes I am a fool to throw a marriage and family away based on a mainstream porn addiction and swears he'll get help. He swore after the 'young' search that he'd never again jeopardise our family, home, relationship. When I confronted h about the search his first response was to ask me not to tell anybody because he'd have to leave our tone, he justified that panicked comment by saying its because my interpretation would be dodgy, not the act itself.
Today he only admitted his 'problem' because I literally caught him in the act. He was having a lie down as he felt ill and I went to see if he wanted anything and his behaviour was odd, as well as the fact he was naked and I see him naked about twice a year very briefly which straight away set the alarm bells ringing. I left him up there and came down to sort the kids and he came down and was crying saying 'I need help please support me' he said I just use one regular mainstream site every 8 days to two weeks and that's all it is. He blamed pressure at work and pressure from kids and exhaustion. I was relieved that he'd finally 'fessed up to something but I still feel angry about the constant rejection and passionless sex when we do have It.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 21:04:30

H is very handsome although he is developing a belly. I look rough because I have a muscle disease and have lost shape and tone plus I think that constant worry has aged me.
I too was an 80s teen and was always getting attention from men and I see it now with teenaged family members how men do a double take at them when we're in town, it makes my blood boil.
H is great with kids and is very popular in our town, I feel like his dark shadow sometimes!

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 21:21:13

Well I think he is his own dark shadow. They don't know him like you do.

His porn habit is particularly disrespectful given your illness,for which I am extremely sorry.

He tells you that you're a fool to end the marriage over porn because he doesn't want to lose his set up.

But you're entitled to end the marriage over porn if you want, indeed for any other reason, and anyway, it's not just the porn.

Swearing to get help for an addiction, actually getting help, and then acting on it are 3 separate phases. Getting help is the easy bit, changing your behaviour for good is very hard, and it's understandable if you've lost patience with him.

He is the fool - to self-destruct the marriage in the first place.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 21:37:35

I don't know where to start, it's Christmas soon, I never envisaged myself as a single parent and with my health issues I can imagine him having a stronger case as the primary carer.
he has just phoned me making all these promises, begging me to give him a chance. he's at work and I was just shouting and crying I feel gutted and ripped off. He wants me to support him but I will never know if he's kicked his habit which on the one hand he says is harmless.

Despite being popular and outgoing he is emotionally very reserved and he is saying that his repressed childhood has caused this problem.
His family are all very reserved, a massive contrast to my dysfunctional lot and I never feel relaxed in their company, they're all very naice, whiter than white but it always feels like a show with them all.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 21:45:22

I feel like he used me for the veneer.
Honestly though if you knew us. Everyone thinks I'm so lucky, he's thoughtful, romantic, does all the donkey work and is a 'fantastic father' I think some people ( my ILs and some of his friends) think I'm mugging him off because I don't look sick or disabled yet he does the bulk of everything in and outside of the home.

He tells me he loves me every day but only compliments me when I tell him how alone I feel, he uses all our shared hobbies as proof that we are compatible but I say it's nothing without sex or at least intimacy.
He is not 'deep' (or so I thought...) he never enjoys talking about real things it's all lighthearted and although he is very clever he never wants to theorise or philosophise and that is something that I got used to and just do with other friends rather than fighting for it at home.

Tbh I'm just rambling now and waffling on , I'm stuck, despite my having gut feelings and instinct, today is the first time he's actually admitted anything albeit nothing and I'm in shock.

tethersend Fri 29-Nov-13 21:54:20

Do you think he was crying because he wants help to stop watching mainstream porn every fortnight?

Because that does seem like quite an extreme reaction.

From what you've said, I too would suspect an unsavoury predilection.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 21:56:42

Promises are easy to make and hard to keep, particularly if it involves a fundamental change in behaviour. Even if he stuck to therapy it will be a long time before you know if he has managed to kick the habit, and anyway, I get the sense the damage has been done.

Plenty of people have repressed childhoods but are not porn addicts, so that's no excuse.

He wants you to support him, but who is supporting you?

You'd be best getting legal advice, or asking on the legal forum about custody, I'm not qualified to comment.

Grennie Fri 29-Nov-13 21:58:58

I think there are a number of clear red flags here. i would be worried about him around children, and I think you should trust your gut instincts.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 22:04:47

I don't give a toot that anyone else thinks - I think you're unlucky.
How relationships appear to other people is irrelevant, they're not in it.

Moreover I was ill when I was younger and I know first hand that people just think you're malingering.

It doesn't matter how thoughtful or romantic he is if he's constantly whacking off to teenagers. And I'm not someone who's hardline against porn. I don't like it, but a bit doesn't bother me. A habit like your husband I find as revolting as you do and a deal breaker.

If all these people who think he's Mr Wonderful knew what he got up to, that would knock the sheen off, eh?

Vivacia Fri 29-Nov-13 22:07:37

There's a lot about what he wants to happen next and not much about what you want to happen next.

There's a lot of blame put on your behaviour (e.g. ending the relationship over porn) and not much put on his (e.g. watching the porn in the first place).

I don't think his behaviour is consistent with someone watching 'mainstream' porn. Why would a man think he'd have to move out of the family home if somebody found out he was watching mainstream porn??
If he's genuine about seeking help, he'd let you look at his laptop, perhaps with somebody technical.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 22:12:19

tethersend I smiled a wry smile at your question. It does seem quite an over reaction, I think it's either unsavoury or a hundred times more frequent than he admits, honestly he is not the crying type, he kept trying to cuddle me and saying I love you and trying to get me to reciprocate but I feel so distant from him now, the last few days I haven't wanted to be in the same room as him without even knowing why.

I've tried to avoid this issue for so long I can't believe it's come to a head even though before I caught him today I was planning on bringing it into the open after Christmas .

Thanks Grennie for your kind words, I thought the red flags were all in my head until I came on here. Now I feel fucked cos I thought you'd all tell me to wind it in, watch. It with him or turn a blind eye and tell me that I am seeing peadophiles on every corner.

Twinkelstein nobody is supporting me, I'm too scared to tell anybody in case they think/say I'm mad. I haven't been very together these last few years.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 22:16:21

I agree, I was going to suggest that you get a specialist in data retrieval to look at the hard drives of your pcs. If he's in IT he can hide anything. That would be my first stop rather than a police station.

I also meant to say that avoiding grannies is a ridiculous excuse for the 'young sex' search - MILF & older etc have their own categories so there's no reason they would come up.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 22:18:14

Yeah, either it's several times a day or something worse.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 22:20:32

Twinkelstein nobody is supporting me, I'm too scared to tell anybody in case they think/say I'm mad. I haven't been very together these last few years.

You need support, you can't do this alone especially as you're ill. I'm so sorry that your husband is causing so much distress.

Is anyone at all in your life that you could trust with this? Someone from your own family? If not you could ask your GP for counselling - I think you get 12 sessions.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 22:21:02

I honestly don't know if it would knock the sheen off. Everyone seems so blinking permissive these days, even my own family are open about their porn use I used to 'use' it myself but he has put me right off. I feel like I am getting more prudish while everyone around me is more accepting, maybe because I had sex rubbed in my face from a very young she I have now as my name suggests become jaded and saddened by the whole thing.
Having daughters just makes it all seem ten times worse.

Vivacia I did look at his laptop and it seemed clean, I never get near his phone and I don't know how to look at the computer since he updated the OS.

now he's admitted something I feel like I don't need to know the detail, he has kind of settled it for me by only admitting the bare minimum after I've been feeling ill at ease for years. I don't know whether to just carry on as normal for a while 'for the sake of the kids' or to run out hysterically taking only the clothes we stand up in. due to my disability I can't drive and I don't want to leave our home comforts just yet and end up in a disgusting fucking b&b which is how I started my life and how I lived until I ran away from home.

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 22:27:16

I do vaguely know someone in data retrieval he is a friend of a friend, we use all apple equipment (I'm a windows expert,) the guy said he doesn't know macs so well and if the OS has been updated a few times then it could be really tricky.
Due to apple's money grabbing ways the OS needs updating all the time.

No one from my family honestly we are all a bit fucked up it could go totally pear shaped if I involve them at this stage.
I might try counselling again, I have done a fair bit go it and I think unless I make some changes I'm just going over old ground.

I said the same to H about the milf/GILF/teen categories, he was spouting shit and we both knew it. I have learned over the years that there is no point arguing with an addict, both of you know they're lying and now he's admitted it I will have trouble believing anything he says ever again.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 22:43:14

I think you need someone to support you through whatever decisions and changes you need to make. If you feel like you can't trust friends/family then a counsellor would be a good option (and it's a plus that they won't know him).

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