Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

really upset, sad and scared

(190 Posts)

Sorry in advance as this feels long to me. I've posted often about my emotionally abusive H over the past year and now with benefit of all the help I've had here and from reading books and speaking to women's aid I feel I can more clearly see what he is doing-- his tactics-- and what has been going on through our whole marriage/relationship of 25 years.

He has constantly belittled me because I haven't worked (full time, have done bits of freelance) over the past few although I have been drawing a salary from his firm, for tax purposes-- that stopped at the end of September. I have no self confidence and although I have good skills in my field it has been really hard for me to start properly job hunting and he has been no help whatsoever-- for example he picked up a copy of my CV when I'd sat down to proofread it, said it was sh*te and crumpled it up. But I managed to get a contract job, it literally landed in my lap and it is a lovely project. I started exactly a week ago. It's not the most impressive job in terms of prestige or money but it is a good way back into the loop as far as I'm concerned... and one week in I'm loving it, really enjoy everything about being at work full time again.

True to type (I had been wondering how he would respond) he seems to be subtly making problems. He has just been generally in a bad mood and I've been tiptoeing around, at the moment I'm still getting used to getting back into the routine of getting up and going to work. When I worked full time, as I did the whole time our kids were growing up (I stopped when DS was in last year of A levels, he's now 3rd year uni and DD is in first year so we have an empty nest, kids are both doing well and I'm v proud of them) his rule was that my job could never interfere with his life, I have always had to do all the cooking/childcare/clothes etc. But because he earned more money than me that was deemed fair... but of course looking back I always put myself in the position of second to him, and probably reinforced his view that he was entitled to special treatment.

Anyway to get to the point. This weekend, my first after working, he wanted to our weekend house in the countryside-- his pet project and something he has used to extremely control us (mainly me + DD over the summer, DS early on started refusing to go). I was a bit muddled up as to what I wanted to do, in my mind, I thought I should put my foot down and say NO as I could stay here plus get laundry done, do some cooking for the week, and play around with the project I have on the computer (he does NOT want me working at home even briefly as I won't get paid for it, but I would like to brush up my computer skills a bit and do some extra work on the project) but for various reasons I agreed to go. Although we had a nice time Saturday as we met up with friends, he was niggling away all day today (Sunday). For example I lightheartedly asked what the agenda was for the day, as I was making the coffee and just wanted to know what he had in mind for the day, ie work in the garden or go for a walk, and he exploded at me for using the word 'agenda' as it sounded like a work-word... he was doing his own thing on the computer and said he just wanted to be left alone so I didn't bring him a cup of coffee, which further infuriated him, etc etc and the day sort of went downhill. But we went by to see DS as we had to deliver something to him so there was some point to the day so to speak.

We got back around 6:00 tonight, I put a load of laundry in, and cooked dinner, he sat on the sofa and worked on HIS project. I transferred laundry to tumble drier eventually, after dinner I folded clothes, set up ironing board and ironed 2 pairs of trousers for him, left shirts on the back of a chair, left ironing board up as I was going to do a quick job on the shirts. NB these were ALL his clothes. We had a couple of glasses of wine, he wasn't too happy with the fact that I hadn't planned a 'pudding' for him (this was after minor niggles with the dinner) then he didn't want to watch Family Guy (my guilty pleasure and I hate to miss it) so I went upstairs to watch it on the TV in the bedroom. Was this unreasonable??

I think I dozed off, he came upstairs an hour or so later shouting at me that the house was a mess and that I was wearing a jumper he doesn't like, a comfy one I wear around the house. I think he was insinuating that I wasn't dressed for sex. So I got furious but didn't shout (this is fairly usual) and came downstairs to sleep on the sofa. I got down here and found he'd folded up the ironing board roughly and left it on the table (weird place). He's always hated it when I left the ironing board up but in this case-- as I was trying to 'catch up' with laundry after going away for the weekend on his insistence-- I thought he should give me a bit of slack. Then I found some things on the floor, papers etc, that he must have just slung down there. Plus I found my muddy boots on top of my laptop. FFS I had even cleaned the kitchen before I went upstairs, all counters were cleared, it wasn't all that bad. As usual he was just finding fault with things-- I cannot argue, yes the ironing board was up and yes there was a tiny bit of clutter and yes my boots were left in the middle of the floor. But he just doesn't help. Shouldn't he be really supporting me, in a new job, plus I've not bothered him for anything over the past week? I even take the train so he can have the car, and I have come in and made dinner every night plus of course do all the cleaning, evidently not to his standards but that is ridiculous because he is really messy himself and never even picks up his clothes off the floor. But if his clothes are on the floor it is my fault because I haven't picked them up.

So, with my enhanced knowledge of how abusers work, I know this is what he is doing. And I am fairly detached (which angers him) and I just let it wash over my as much as possible but I was really upset when I saw what he had done with the ironing board. I've actually been crying about it. It was just so unnecessary. So I think he is trying to sabotage my new job, and I need to get out. But now after googling flats to rent I am really depressed, I have a cat and a dog, this house works for me. And kids are coming back from uni in a couple of weeks when term ends.

When I've spoken to WA the idea of a refuge doesn't seem to fit with me-- no point in taking a room when I could rent privately. If H was violent things would be different. If he left it would be fantastic, absolutely lovely, we have a great time when he isn't around, but he needs to be in London for work over the next few weeks so not much chance of him moving to the weekend house. Plus he doesn't like to go to that house without someone else-- I think he gets bored on his own (whereas personally I love being on my own).

I'm going to call WA today, they were organizing counselling for me but I put things on hold for the new job. My question is, WTF do I do?? I was all for the idea of moving out until I realized how many problems that thew up and how much of an adjustment that would be, with the new job as priority. And it isn't really all that affordable. I know this is a question so many have had to deal with, and why staying always seems so much easier somehow. But I need to do something. I'm thinking that I can possibly speak to a lawyer about getting an agreement drawn up where we both live her but separately until we sell the house and I can buy another one, basically try to recreate the house we have on a smaller scale for 1/2 the money.

OK-- I'm feeling more angry than sad now-- I know I have been told to LTB before but I think that this is the week when I finally need to act. Inertia is not an option. Bastard. I feel like I want to hurt him and I hate myself for that. Stupid ironing board. I know I can manage him as I've been doing, but at the cost to myself of all my self worth and sanity!

DollyTwat Mon 09-Dec-13 23:30:11

It's interesting you wouldn't kick him out. Why?
Do you feel like you deserve this treatment but he must be looked after?

He won't ever get it. Even 11 years down the line everything will be your fault. That's the man he is

Aren't YOU worth more than this? Why do you deserve this?

DollyTwat Mon 09-Dec-13 23:34:41

Would you be able to live with yourself if you treated him the way he treats you?

Could you do the nasty things he does to someone else? Think about how little respect you'd have to have for them to do that.

It's hard to realise he thinks that of you, it's not because it's true, it's because he wants to act that way

MrsMinkBernardLundy Tue 10-Dec-13 00:46:14

that s glad i found you. i have been worrying.

Re. getting him to admit he is wrong, it would be lovely if he did and it is one of the hardest things to let go of but you have been on the thread long enough to know it ain't gonna happen.
bounty's FW is the only one in a year on the thread to admit it and I reckon it is just a ploy and he certainly isn't giving her any space...so i reckon as soon as he realises it hasn't worked he will be back to the old all her fault story.

You know it is the one thing we have all wanted. wanting it is understandable...you want him.to finally agree it wasn't you so you can be sure and you want to see a flicker of remorse.

He only feels sorry for himself.he will only beer feel sorry for himself.
He will be fine though. abusers are very good at looking after themselves finding someone to look after them. and that is what he will do.

Yes, if he is arrested and charged then he May be punished but he will still view that as you being unfair rather than justice.

He is abusive. you can give yourself permission to end this.
Revenge is a life well lived thats and it is the only justice you will ever get.

Stay safe . don't waste your pity on him. do whatever you have to (as long as it is legal). Get those big clumpy loud shoes on and (brown) boot him out.

Godspeed x

MrsMinkBernardLundy Tue 10-Dec-13 00:47:43

I have whistle and the bunting whenever you are ready.

that's you know fine well your rage over the toilet was a reaction to abuse, don't you? I had a rage at my FW, more at the other extreme - listing his cocklodging work-dodging. I was so angry I was foaming at the mouth, and a fleck of spittle landed on him. "Don't spit at me!" he barked. So I rounded up a mouthful and did just that. Of course, he now had the perfect situation of not having to listen to or address a word I had said, to demand an apology (given), and to bring it up at every opportunity. Of course he thought I was mentally ill, and it's true I was depressed. Divorce cured that grin

Any suicide threats, do as the poster upthread said, and ring GP or police. They will come and check. If it's manipulative, he is v unlikely to do it again, if it's genuine, he will get the help he needs.

Teeb Tue 10-Dec-13 11:04:24

I noticed something you said previously, about having had a quiet exit plan in mind for a year. Do you believe you will ever act on that? Will it ever be the right time? Or will there always be christmas, birthdays, breaks from uni and so on.

You've been in this situation it's become your normal, to the point where you don't understand what choices and your own autonomy are. YOU are capable of making your own life choices. Not doctors, not the police, not your abuser. Have you considered getting any counselling in relation to your self esteem? This is possibly the worst element of abuse, that he has duped you into this way of thinking, that you aren't capable. You are capable, but only if you allow yourself. An injunction is wholly possible, there is no possible reason why you need to live with threats of violence and murder when you jointly own two properties and two vehicles. You don't need to feel any guilt that he will be on the streets or unable to function.

Motherinlawsdung Tue 10-Dec-13 11:22:59

The bastard is upset because he can see that he might lose his toilet-cleaning, trouser-ironing slave.
Dump him and get on with the rest of your life. You only have ONE LIFE.

stowsettler Tue 10-Dec-13 11:56:26

Coming in late to this thread, and like so many others I've read, I sort of wish I hadn't.

It's so disheartening to literally witness the stagnation of people like the OP, because the abuse they have suffered have completely and utterly hamstrung them.

I wish that you had someone in real life who would give you a great big kick up the arse, OP. You have absolutely no reason to stay with this wanker. You have EVERY reason to leave. Stop thinking about it, stop prevaricating, stop making excuses for him. There are none.

Things you can do:-
1. Contact WA again.
2. Contact the Dog's Trust WRT fostering your dog. They may be able to help with your cat too, if you need help there.
3. GET THAT INJUNCTION. Women's Aid can surely help with this.

4. And lastly and most importantly, listent to Motherinlawsdung. She's quite right. You only have ONE LIFE.

it must be hard for you to read all this OP. Hopefully you get the feeling of support. I'm not surprised it takes a while for you to let it all sink in, and was sad to hear the police wasn't more helpful. Luckily he hadn't acted on his threat, so there was no more they could do just then. That is tough, and I can understand you felt left alone. You aren't quite alone though. I have no practical support to offer, just wanted to let you have a Virtual hand to hold. There are lots of good advice on this thread, so take your time and pick out what suits you best. Hope you have a good time with your daughter.

Blu Tue 10-Dec-13 18:34:19

OP, there are many ways to keep moving forwards, and I agree it is a priority to make the best of your job.

Rest assured everyone only wants your safety and ultimate happiness.

Hopefully you can gather all your strength and resources: seek legal advice as soon as is practical, maybe explore the possibility of the Freedom training Programme? It is an excellent course for women in abusive relationships and I know at least one MNer who used it to be very sure of her options, tactics and exit route. It would give you a source of support, too.

Just keep your wits about you, be alert, don't fall for his dishonesty and smokescreen, and don't be tempted to think 'it will all be OK in the end if he says he is sorry"

I am concerned for your safety if he blows up again, but will not berate you in frustration.

Keep posting!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Tue 10-Dec-13 18:47:08

This marriage is like death by a thousand cuts.

How did the doctor's appointment go this morning, OP?

The Drs appointment was a real eye opener. OMG. Not sure I have the strength to write it all down now but it would make hilarious reading. He is out tonight and I'm holding one of his sheets of notes in my hand which includes a statement with a box around it, something to the effect of 'if she doesn't get help I am going to leave her' . grin I have no idea what he said in 'his' appt as he won't tell me. He did come out with a referral form and a prescription.

I have to say in my defence- I know I'm being badly treated but I do not consider myself to be downtrodden! I struggle but I do manage to do my own things (he hates that)... I like to think I've gained strength by having to deal with such a d*ckhead. But his underlying sense of entitlement is scary. I am convinced that Lundy Bancroft knows him personally as he is such a textbook case.

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 21:39:15

You might not be downtrodden -but you could be HAPPY without him. You could have a life without him in it.

Fingers crossed he will leave you, as he threatens in his note. God knows what he told the GP.

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 21:55:11

Oh my goodness, Oh to have been a fly on the wall>> I can just imagine the sort of stuff he came out with. How do you feel?

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 11-Dec-13 09:59:54

that's we can only pray he does leave you but don't count on it. i would plan to get in there first if i were you.
have you secured any finacial documents? as i suspect if he does leave you he will plan on taking absolutely everything with him, after all he thinks it is all HIS.

he ahs a totally distorted view of reality and of you.

WA and sol.

thanks

mrfrancis82 Wed 11-Dec-13 12:07:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mrfrancis have you been in an abusive relationship? It's not that straightforward. thats you are not a disgrace to women! whatever you do.

SeptemberFlowers Wed 11-Dec-13 12:30:12

MrFrancis Piss off - comments like that are unhelpful angry

OP We're here for you. The sooner you split the better. I'd be opting for booting him out, he has a house he can stay in - let him go there !

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 12:33:30

She is not a disgrace to me MrFrancis. Your comment is entirely disgraceful however. Make yourself scarce please.

mrfrancis82 Wed 11-Dec-13 12:51:25

I'm just being straight with her as obviously gentle encouragement doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

It's almost like she wants the attention without doing anything about it.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 12:56:24

MrFrancis, she is not obliged to follow any advice and if you post on that basis then perhaps it's best you don't post at all. It is not for you or anyone else to impose a time scale for her, this woman who lives this life. If you feel she just wants attention then don't read this thread or contribute.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Wed 11-Dec-13 13:41:55

Hi, thats. Like Mink, I'm glad to have found you and see that you're still talking and thinking it through.

I hope that your plan includes only things that you yourself can do. I'm a bit worried that you're relying on him to end the marriage at some point - but I think this is very unlikely.

DottyboutDots Wed 11-Dec-13 13:47:39

Oh dear god, this is so upsetting. Why stay? Why?

Let me rephrase part of mrfrancis's post

"You're an abused woman if you stay with a disgrace to menfolk."

That's why it takes time to leave.

you're not a disgrace to me neither, not to anybody infact. It is upsetting to stay in abusive relationships, and it is upsetting to read about it. But OP is in charge of her own life. i hope you find encouragement in people willing you on but if you are still reading please don't feel you need to defend yourself to yet more people. You don't.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now