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He hit me

(132 Posts)
ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 08:54:01

Last night my boyfriend slapped me 4 times. I'm upset, in shock.

I've recently left a marriage and have 2 children. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. He's slapped me a couple of times before but we've spoken, dealt with the issue and moved on. The children are not involved, they don't even know I'm/was seeing someone.

He called me a whore and hit me because another man had spoken to me in a shop, no flirting or anything.

He's screamed at me that it's over, I left after being knocked off my feet after the 4th slap.

Thing is I'm devastated. What's wrong with me? I would never tolerate this before yet I'm hoping he'll get in touch and apologise. I just needed to get this down as my heart is pounding, I feel sick and I need to put on a brave face for my children and act like nothing's happened. They were staying with my parents last night as was I.

Lacoba66 Sun 24-Nov-13 22:50:26

Please remember that it's not you that "needs to work it out in your head"- are you replaying it and thinking "what did I/ or what could I have done differently to have stopped this"? NOTHING! He is the one with the problem.

When will he have slapped you too hard, or god forbid, the children will witness this? Please love yourself more and realise your worth, as no one deserves this treatment.

Take care x

ChelseaBun Sun 24-Nov-13 15:31:23

Hi on the rocks, please go and have a look at the Womens Aid messageboard. There you will see women who have been through it - and I hope it will help you to make sense of what has happened to you.

I know exactly how you feel - have been there - and I took him back too many times. I can guarantee he will not give up and will try to win you round again with apologies and promises it won't happen again.

I can guarantee - it WILL happen again. And it will escalate. The only way forward is no contact. As you say you have to see him, keep conversation to a minimum.

And if it helps, tell him you intend to go to the police if he so much as rings you or contacts you again.

He will not attack you if someone is with you - these men don't like proof that they are abusers.

I should have walked the first time he hit me - now I'm waiting to give evidence at his trial for a vicious sexual attack he carried out on me. All this along with PTSD from his attack.

One thing I do know, when you take them back, you are subconsciously telling them that hitting you is acceptable.

Be strong and when you get sentimental and think about his nice qualities, pull yourself back and picture the nasty look on his face when he knocked you off your feet.

BasilDalekEater Sun 24-Nov-13 15:02:49

"If you don't work out why you thought it was OK to stay with a man that hit you in order for him to do it again, then you're in very grave danger of ending up with someone similar again. It's not your fault at all, but it does have to be tackled."

This. This is really good advice OP.

Once this immediate flurry has passed and you've had some time to think about it and feel you can face up to it, it would be a really good idea to do some reading, go to a counsellor (GP will refer you), do the Freedom Programme - whatever works for you.

Also Women's Aid have a forum where you can discuss with other women (anonymously) what has happened so that you can have some insight into why you accepted his violence first time round and avoid men like him in the future.

There are loads of different ways to ensure you never go through something like this again. I hope you find one that works for you.

thanks

Well done Rocks. flowers

Do what you have to and what you can do just now.

You know the police is an option.
Maybe contacting Women's Aid is a bit less scary?

And yy to Freedom Program - £10 to do in online, and tbh even the free taster bits are v v revealing sad. Have a look: Here's my linkie again

I hope you have good company and cake and wine tonight x.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 18:05:11

The Freedom Programme can be done online and it is very good indeed.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 18:03:03

Agree. Women's Aid is not the police but it's outside support that I think you'd find helpful.

theQuibbler Sat 23-Nov-13 18:01:21

Ontherocks - you've had some good advice on this thread and I hope it has been helpful. I would just like to add that I think it would be very useful for you to still contact Woman's Aid for some ongoing support and also to think about attending the Freedom programme they run, which helps give you tools to recognise and stay away from abusive men.
It does sound as though you need some help recognising boundaries and what constitutes acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

If you don't work out why you thought it was OK to stay with a man that hit you in order for him to do it again, then you're in very grave danger of ending up with someone similar again. It's not your fault at all, but it does have to be tackled.

Only1scoop Sat 23-Nov-13 17:47:31

So relieved you are with a friend who will support you. This post has really hit a nerve with me. Leave it at that now....please do not reply to any other texts etc....if you are contacted again by him please follow through with what you said in text and report him immediately.
Stop questioning the situation....the hurtful words etc....the abuse. This is a controlling man. He doesn't deserve your time. Sit and think how you would feel if a friend/daughter/neice was being treated this way.
No brainier....be relieved x

humphryscorner Sat 23-Nov-13 17:43:37

Op really hope your ok.

I genuinely have been in your position. Even though my ex strangled me and did other hidious things I stayed for five years. It NEVER got better as he didn't respect/love because you can't love somebody and physically or mentally abuse them.

I could never understand why on some level I wanted him to beg, get on his knees and apologise - which he did at first but after awhile he couldn't be arsed to even do that. To be honest I think it was my low self esteem at the time.

Op at the time I left it was the most physically painful thing I ever did. He was cry, I was crying, my relative who was driving me was crying. She even suggested I give him one more chance.

It took me a while to fully understand what an utter scum bag he was. And see him for who he really is.

How would you feel if he hit one of your children? Phone the police , he assaulted you. You can do this flowers

qazxc Sat 23-Nov-13 17:39:40

As you mentioned in other posts this is someone you are likely to run into. So i would tell him that you don't want contact/ approaching, just so that you have made it clear.
Write down everything that has happened and add any additional contact if he refuses to leave you alone, keep a diary. You will need this in case he doesn't get the message and you need to get a restraining order.
I know that you don't feel you can talk to your parents about it, but please consider telling a friend or ringing domestic violence charities for support.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 17:39:37

Ann, I can see you are trying to be helpful. We all are.

OP that is a seriously good plan. Continue to ignore him now. Engaging will not help either you or him. You being a nice and reasonable person may start to feel sorry for him if he ramps up the emotional blackmail. That would be a monumental mistake. So best that you don't give him the opportunity. You have the control here, make sure you keep it x

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 17:35:19

Aww, ontherock don't put yourself down about having gone back to him in the past. The important thing is protecting yourself and your children's safety now and in the future.

Some good book and website recommendations above.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 17:33:14

Ok Ann let's leave it there. I don't think ontherock's thread is the right place for a discussion about the similarities and differences of rape and assault.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 17:30:56

Once again thank you for your amazingly supportive threads. He sent me a further 3 messages, apologising etc which I've ignored. I've just messaged him what you wrote in your message Mist.

I've spoken to my friend and I'm going to stay here tonight, my parents are having the children.

I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed, more so because of the awful things he said. The slaps hurt but his words did cut deep. I know I should never have let him off the first time but I really liked him, how pathetic does that sound? I'm totally gutted but I know this is the right thing to do.

I'm dreading seeing him, totally dreading it but I will have someone with me and I know (hope) he wouldn't dare do anything or say anything in front of anyone else.

Your messages have really helped me, thank you so much.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:30:54

I wasn't minimising rape- I was maximising slapping.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 17:29:25

I'm with you mist it's the OP's choice to tell and putting pressure on her to consider other possible victims is unsupportive. Ann I find your description of rape offensive. I'm sure you didn't mean to but I felt that you were minimising rape as being just like a punch.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:29:06

I mean that she might be worried that if she reports him he could come after her. She has to balance what is right for her own safety and what might help that- and possibly other women. I thought this was obvious. A talking to by the police might send him scarpering - out of her life altogether - and as a bonus might also change the way he behaves to women, full stop.I'm not the only one here saying this.

EXTERMINATEpeppa Sat 23-Nov-13 17:25:51

Ontherocks.

Stay strongthanks

wontletmesignin Sat 23-Nov-13 17:22:02

What consequences to what actions?? shock OP has been a victim of DV. I dont understand whay consequences you could be talking about?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 17:20:54

Don't get me wrong, Ann. I think the best thing to do is to report but if she can't she doesn't deserve any less support. Piles of pressure to respond in a certain way is more likely to make her withdraw from potential guidance.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 17:18:45

Think through the consequences of her actions, Ann ? Really ? That is getting uncomfortably close to victim-blaming, IMO.

I agree she has the power to make him face the consequences of his own but she is not obliged to do so, and making her feel like she has to report him for the good of other women looks like making it her fault if he ever hits somebody else.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:17:23

I think the OP has made it clear it's over- she's wanting to know what to do next when he contacts her and whether to tell people , inc police.

CocktailQueen Sat 23-Nov-13 17:12:54

He slapped you before and you stayed with him?? And this is a new relationship??

He is an abuser. Report to the police now. He may have done this before.

Agree with jointhedots - is he going to slap you every time you talk to someone?

You have done nothing to be ashamed of - HE HAS.

You are well rid.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:12:48

All I think -Mist- is that at this stage the right thing to do is try to encourage the OP to think through the consequences of her actions..whatever she chooses to do.

My own opinion which is what we are all giving here- is that she needs to be aware of her own safety first and foremost.

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