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Husband looks at graphic porn but shows no interest in me

(31 Posts)
ukshelly Sat 23-Nov-13 03:23:28

I've spent hours in tears after discovering my husband has been secretly looking at graphic porn secretly. He never comes to bed with me-he snores like a hog so has slept on the sofa-I constantly ask him to get help about it as I miss us not going to bed together and having the closeness but it doesn't seem to bother him, sex is rare and only when I ask him for it, tho is great when it happens just not often due to constant tiredness and hating the feeling of asking him to come to bed just so get a little affection. I'm in bed and feel sick to the stomach and totally crap-whilst he seems to not care and is snoring on the sofa. Is this what a relationship is meant to be like, I truly love him and we have a wonderful little boy together but am feeling so hurt and alone right now. Xx

gildedcage Fri 24-Jan-14 23:42:09

Sorry don't know what happened then x

gildedcage Fri 24-Jan-14 23:41:27

hi shelley its good to hear theres been some progress, albeit that you're sleep deprived. Things have settled here but he knows now that Ismile wont accept secrets or lies! Good luck with everything x

quietlysuggests Fri 24-Jan-14 22:41:34

Re snoring - my DH had a serious problem til he tried a snoring ring - works by pressing on the little finger through the night. I know it sounds like such a tiny thing cant work, and I have no time for the theory behind it - but it just worked!! Transformed our lives.

FastLoris Fri 24-Jan-14 22:17:51

Just want to say that those confidently talking about "sorting out the snoring" may be being naive. Snoring is a serious PRACTiCAL problem in some relationships that makes sharing a bed through the night effectively impossible.

By all means get him to a specialist. It's quite possible that something can be done. It's also very possible that it can't. Some blokes just snore - a lot, loudly - and there's fuck all they or anyone else can do about it. It's not like there's some kind of magic pill that's guaranteed to cure it.

Seeing it automatically in terms of representing other things in the relationship may not be helpful. It might just be something that just is, and you have to make the best of it if you want the relationship to continue for what it has of value. Seeing it as somehow his fault or a symptom of his failure as a husband, as some above seem to do, is a bit off IMO. It's not like he does it on purpose.

ukshelly Fri 24-Jan-14 21:39:54

It's been a while and there's been quite
Some comments on this, firstly I didn't kick him out on the sofa-it was just an odd thing so I could try to get a little sleep in between little one waking without having hubby wake me also with his snoring, secondly I have nothing against porn but feel hurt that hubby chose it rather than coming to
Me first. We're battling through it but the trust element is hard-he's in Bed with me every night now causing me constant sleepless nights-waiting to see a specialist about the snoring and together trying to get through this situation. Thank you to everyone for kind and supported comments and I hope anyone who is going through similar has a bright ending. It's early days and i still hurt alot for what he's done and how he's made me feel. For the distasteful comments-maybe someone you love, trust and call your best friend might hurt you and you'll feel the need fof some support-I'm sure you would prefer people to be kind.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sun 24-Nov-13 00:01:27

..and the plastic ladeez

Lweji Sun 24-Nov-13 00:01:17

I even wonder if she kicked him to the sofa, or he suggested it.

Lweji Sun 24-Nov-13 00:00:34

Interesting that he hasn't been keen on sorting his own snoring so that he could sleep with his wife, though. Even though she has kept asking. It does seem like he prefers the sofa.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 23:58:14

I guess it depends how much one is willing to tolerate for the sake of being in a relationship with a porn user who chooses that over sex with a warm and willing partner

Just call me old fashioned wink

WinterBlondie83 Sat 23-Nov-13 23:54:18

Sorting out the issue that stops them from being in the same room at night might actually help, yeah!

Throwing him "the fuck out of the house" is genius. Good one.

YAWN!!!!!

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 23:51:29

Just thought I'd quote the OP:
"I constantly ask him to get help about it [snoring] as I miss us not going to bed together and having the closeness but it doesn't seem to bother him, sex is rare and only when I ask him for it, tho is great when it happens just not often due to constant tiredness and hating the feeling of asking him to come to bed just so get a little affection."

Yes, because he must feel rejected by ukshelly and uses porn as a substitute. Poor man. hmm

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 23:46:21

"porn haters"

grin

sort his snoring out and all will be well

yeah, that should do it

WinterBlondie83 Sat 23-Nov-13 23:40:34

Wow, the sleeping on the sofa would actually really upset me.
Having that time in bed at night to be close together is essential I think so I can imagine how being separate would make you feel rather alone.

I actually think this is the root of your issue. Because he doesn't sleep with you, he uses a different method of stimulation shall we say!

You both need to sit down and communicate with each other.
There seems to be an awful lot of porn haters here and that's their choice. I am not one of these people and I would urge you not to think of your husband as a freak or monster for looking at porn. I would certainly not encourage you to do something rash like throw him out.

I truly believe that you need to discuss this with him. Explain how unhappy you are and that if you are willing to try, he needs to tackle the snoring issue so you can sleep together like a couple should. This will increase the chance of intimacy returning!

I wish you lots of luck.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 22:16:00

so was I

love isn't enough sometimes though

obviously, as evidenced by this disrespectful porn hound

enriquetheringbearinglizard Sat 23-Nov-13 22:10:59

I was working off 'I truly love him' so think it's worth exploring if things can change.
If things don't change, then at least it's not for want of trying.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 21:47:43

Personally, I would tackle the bloke's porn addiction first by getting him the fuck out of my house

I pretty much guarantee everything else will not be a problem at all

enriquetheringbearinglizard Sat 23-Nov-13 21:38:09

ukshelly you've had your DS since your DH took up night time residence on the sofa? or after?
I'm presuming before since DS isn't sleeping through the night yet.

It seems like there really are some practical things you can do first off, get DH to see the doctor about his snoring, ask the HV for help getting DS into more of a routine and find some ways of you getting proper rest so that you're both less tired.

I think once you have these issues sorted out then DH's porn addiction can be tackled too, perhaps with counselling for him or for you as a couple.

At the moment it probably seems like problems coming from all directions, so try breaking them down and tackling them all separately so they don't seem so overwhelming. Once you get a grip on it all, it'll be clear to you how you want to look to your future.
Good Luck.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 11:43:23

I'm not surprised. Porn is a "deal breaker" for me so this would mean the end of my relationship if he was not willing to talk about it and immediately stop using porn. It would break my heart too.

ukshelly Sat 23-Nov-13 09:45:12

Thank you for the replies-think I'm going to take my youngster off for the day as the tears will effect him, if I'm away from husband the tears will calm, I can think straight and try to work out how to deal with this. I know I have to talk to him at some point about this but I'm feeling to weak to deal with it at the moment-I'm usually a very strong and open mouthed person (not a postive thing) but this has well and truly broken me.

gildedcage Sat 23-Nov-13 09:15:22

Nothing you have said sounds like you rebuffed his advances, rather he got lazy and has taken everything for granted.

I walked when I found out...not for long just to clear my head and let him sort the kids out for a while. It helped me not to be a jibbering wreck when I confronted him.

Good luck xx

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 09:12:50

had I offered sex

It's not your role to "offer sex" and it's not your fault that he chose to turn to porn.

Don't get me wrong he supports me in every way... But you've described at least two ways that he doesn't.

ukshelly Sat 23-Nov-13 09:03:58

Sorry meant love.... Being tired and perhaps had I offered sex he may not of turned to porn. The secrecy has really hurt me too-I thought we had an open honest relationship and could talk about anything, it seems this subject has broken. Don't get me wrong he supports me in every way and we've always been strong together apart from the intermate part if relationship-that has died because I don't force it and he has stopped it. Crap I really don't know what to do, trying to hold it together as little one is awake now. My husbands only comment was we'll have to talk about it whilst I hid in the kitchen crying.

gildedcage Sat 23-Nov-13 09:00:16

Just to say I agree with the above. While I understand you don't feel great...the failure isn't yours...you've done nothing, all those actions are his not yours. If he needed some intimacy you were only up stairs!

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 08:55:59

I really live my husband but right now feel so hurt and a total failure

In what way do you feel that you've failed?

gildedcage Sat 23-Nov-13 08:54:51

You have my sympathy as I'm going through something similar...without the lack of affection or sex. Frankly I'm finding the secrecy hard to deal with. Its the secrecy that makes it feel like a betrayal. No advice to be honest just wanted you to know you're not alone. Have you confronted him?

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