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Husband looks at graphic porn but shows no interest in me

(31 Posts)
ukshelly Sat 23-Nov-13 03:23:28

I've spent hours in tears after discovering my husband has been secretly looking at graphic porn secretly. He never comes to bed with me-he snores like a hog so has slept on the sofa-I constantly ask him to get help about it as I miss us not going to bed together and having the closeness but it doesn't seem to bother him, sex is rare and only when I ask him for it, tho is great when it happens just not often due to constant tiredness and hating the feeling of asking him to come to bed just so get a little affection. I'm in bed and feel sick to the stomach and totally crap-whilst he seems to not care and is snoring on the sofa. Is this what a relationship is meant to be like, I truly love him and we have a wonderful little boy together but am feeling so hurt and alone right now. Xx

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 06:42:01

I don't have any wise advice, but didn't want you to feel alone. I hope things seem brighter in the morning.

JeanSeberg Sat 23-Nov-13 06:47:27

The porn use along with the refusing to get help would be deal breakers for me I'm afraid. You have to think about the effect his behaviour has on your son. Has he always slept on the sofa due to the snoring? How long have you been married? It sounds like he's already checked out of the marriage.

I am a firm believer in couples sharing a bed, i don't play into all this separate bed/sofa malarky. If he has a snoring problem he needs to get his arse down to the doctors, either that or say goodbye to the relationship you once had, which tbh is already happeningsad

It sounds as though he started watching porn due to lack of want for walking up the stairs and he has now become used to the lazy way of pleasure rather than fulfilling you and having sex with a red blooded female rather than his hand.

ukshelly Sat 23-Nov-13 08:30:21

That's how I feel, hoped I feel calmer this morning but pretty much no sleep and dreading facing him as I'm feeling so low. We've been married 10 years and the sofa thing has been over 5 years, I'm a light sleeper so it started so I could get sleep occasionally but then turned into a constant thing. I'm constantly exhausted as little one still wakes me in the night and I work full time, I really live my husband but right now feel so hurt and a total failure. Thank you for the replies-a magic wand would currently be helpful....

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 08:41:35

The magic wand might well be you telling him that he either gets help for the snoring and stops his porn habit or he'll be kicked out. Do it if he resists it.

I do know of a couple who separated and got back together, after him working at his porn addiction.

If you stay put he won't have a need to change at all. Porn users get desensitised to sex and he's probably better on the sofa without being awaken by the dc.

gildedcage Sat 23-Nov-13 08:54:51

You have my sympathy as I'm going through something similar...without the lack of affection or sex. Frankly I'm finding the secrecy hard to deal with. Its the secrecy that makes it feel like a betrayal. No advice to be honest just wanted you to know you're not alone. Have you confronted him?

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 08:55:59

I really live my husband but right now feel so hurt and a total failure

In what way do you feel that you've failed?

gildedcage Sat 23-Nov-13 09:00:16

Just to say I agree with the above. While I understand you don't feel great...the failure isn't yours...you've done nothing, all those actions are his not yours. If he needed some intimacy you were only up stairs!

ukshelly Sat 23-Nov-13 09:03:58

Sorry meant love.... Being tired and perhaps had I offered sex he may not of turned to porn. The secrecy has really hurt me too-I thought we had an open honest relationship and could talk about anything, it seems this subject has broken. Don't get me wrong he supports me in every way and we've always been strong together apart from the intermate part if relationship-that has died because I don't force it and he has stopped it. Crap I really don't know what to do, trying to hold it together as little one is awake now. My husbands only comment was we'll have to talk about it whilst I hid in the kitchen crying.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 09:12:50

had I offered sex

It's not your role to "offer sex" and it's not your fault that he chose to turn to porn.

Don't get me wrong he supports me in every way... But you've described at least two ways that he doesn't.

gildedcage Sat 23-Nov-13 09:15:22

Nothing you have said sounds like you rebuffed his advances, rather he got lazy and has taken everything for granted.

I walked when I found out...not for long just to clear my head and let him sort the kids out for a while. It helped me not to be a jibbering wreck when I confronted him.

Good luck xx

ukshelly Sat 23-Nov-13 09:45:12

Thank you for the replies-think I'm going to take my youngster off for the day as the tears will effect him, if I'm away from husband the tears will calm, I can think straight and try to work out how to deal with this. I know I have to talk to him at some point about this but I'm feeling to weak to deal with it at the moment-I'm usually a very strong and open mouthed person (not a postive thing) but this has well and truly broken me.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 11:43:23

I'm not surprised. Porn is a "deal breaker" for me so this would mean the end of my relationship if he was not willing to talk about it and immediately stop using porn. It would break my heart too.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Sat 23-Nov-13 21:38:09

ukshelly you've had your DS since your DH took up night time residence on the sofa? or after?
I'm presuming before since DS isn't sleeping through the night yet.

It seems like there really are some practical things you can do first off, get DH to see the doctor about his snoring, ask the HV for help getting DS into more of a routine and find some ways of you getting proper rest so that you're both less tired.

I think once you have these issues sorted out then DH's porn addiction can be tackled too, perhaps with counselling for him or for you as a couple.

At the moment it probably seems like problems coming from all directions, so try breaking them down and tackling them all separately so they don't seem so overwhelming. Once you get a grip on it all, it'll be clear to you how you want to look to your future.
Good Luck.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 21:47:43

Personally, I would tackle the bloke's porn addiction first by getting him the fuck out of my house

I pretty much guarantee everything else will not be a problem at all

enriquetheringbearinglizard Sat 23-Nov-13 22:10:59

I was working off 'I truly love him' so think it's worth exploring if things can change.
If things don't change, then at least it's not for want of trying.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 22:16:00

so was I

love isn't enough sometimes though

obviously, as evidenced by this disrespectful porn hound

WinterBlondie83 Sat 23-Nov-13 23:40:34

Wow, the sleeping on the sofa would actually really upset me.
Having that time in bed at night to be close together is essential I think so I can imagine how being separate would make you feel rather alone.

I actually think this is the root of your issue. Because he doesn't sleep with you, he uses a different method of stimulation shall we say!

You both need to sit down and communicate with each other.
There seems to be an awful lot of porn haters here and that's their choice. I am not one of these people and I would urge you not to think of your husband as a freak or monster for looking at porn. I would certainly not encourage you to do something rash like throw him out.

I truly believe that you need to discuss this with him. Explain how unhappy you are and that if you are willing to try, he needs to tackle the snoring issue so you can sleep together like a couple should. This will increase the chance of intimacy returning!

I wish you lots of luck.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 23:46:21

"porn haters"

grin

sort his snoring out and all will be well

yeah, that should do it

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 23:51:29

Just thought I'd quote the OP:
"I constantly ask him to get help about it [snoring] as I miss us not going to bed together and having the closeness but it doesn't seem to bother him, sex is rare and only when I ask him for it, tho is great when it happens just not often due to constant tiredness and hating the feeling of asking him to come to bed just so get a little affection."

Yes, because he must feel rejected by ukshelly and uses porn as a substitute. Poor man. hmm

WinterBlondie83 Sat 23-Nov-13 23:54:18

Sorting out the issue that stops them from being in the same room at night might actually help, yeah!

Throwing him "the fuck out of the house" is genius. Good one.

YAWN!!!!!

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 23:58:14

I guess it depends how much one is willing to tolerate for the sake of being in a relationship with a porn user who chooses that over sex with a warm and willing partner

Just call me old fashioned wink

Lweji Sun 24-Nov-13 00:00:34

Interesting that he hasn't been keen on sorting his own snoring so that he could sleep with his wife, though. Even though she has kept asking. It does seem like he prefers the sofa.

Lweji Sun 24-Nov-13 00:01:17

I even wonder if she kicked him to the sofa, or he suggested it.

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