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DH cheated and we're in a right mess, could use some advice

(65 Posts)
sima123 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:24:53

Hello,

I've been lurking a while but this is the first time I've decided to post. DH had an affair that lasted about 6 months. It's really a 'classic' thing with a much younger woman that works with him. I had suspicions that something was going on, I noticed that he was acting somewhat distant. I trusted him and told him that if he ever wanted to talk about what was bothering him, I'd always be there. Well, he didn't talk to me or confess. Instead, I found out accidentally one day when she sent him photos of herself by text. This was several weeks ago and things have been getting more and more complicated. We've talked about it endlessly, he told me the whole story (or rather his side of it). Again, it's the classic story - she meant nothing, she came onto him and he was weak, etc etc. I honestly don't know what to believe. I've always trusted him, perhaps too much. Anyway, we have 2 young daughters and have decided to try and work things out, but it isn't going well at all.

The first huge problem is that the OW still works with him! He has a very good, well paying job and it doesn't make sense for him to quit. Obviously, he can't make her leave the job, so we're stuck. I've lost trust in him and just can't feel comfortable knowing that he's around her everyday. I can't make him leave his job either and I really don't know what to do. If we could solve this, we'd have a much better chance of moving forward.

Then, I went and did something stupid, which complicated things even more. I have a male co-worker that I've known for a very long time. He used to be friends with my husband and myself when we were younger (I introduced them and invited him out with us). Well, DH didn't like him, felt that he was acting inappropriate towards me (I never noticed this). DH was never jealous before, so I took it seriously and made some distance with this man.

Anyway, after I find out about the affair, I confided in this man. It was incredibly stupid, especially since I haven't told anybody else (friends or family) about it. He drove me home from work one day and DH was suspicious, thought that something might have happened between us (it hasn't) but I told DH about how I confided in the man about his affair and he was obviously very angry.

I still see this man everyday at work, husband sees OW everyday too...we can't communicate with each other, I don't even know where to begin!

Fairenuff Sun 24-Nov-13 21:59:06

You can talk to who you want to. If he doesn't like it, tough shit.

As long as he continues to minimise what he did and try to shift blame to you, you cannot work on this relationship. He is not ready for that.

I would tell him to move out to give you some time and space. Also, tell him to let you know when he has changed jobs and then you might be ready to talk with him some more.

Until then, it's just words.

ImperialBlether Sun 24-Nov-13 22:43:45

OK, if you were confiding in this other man that your husband had erectile difficulties, then yes, you would be unreasonable.

However, when the fact your husband has had an affair with someone else is preying on your mind, at some point you tell someone else, or else you will explode. That could be an old lady on a bus or the Samaritans or, as in your case, someone you work with who you know is kind to you.

FWIW I didn't find with my ex husband that I could tell him to end his affairs. I mean I did tell him and he said all the right things, but in the end an affair isn't over until one of the party wants it to be over. I found that out the hard way. It might be something for you to think about. Is it likely your husband and the OW would stop something like this just because you told them to?

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 22:44:07

Yep, you're right, it's just an excuse for him to shift blame. At first, he was begging me to stay and over the weeks, he has been making a lot of promises, saying that he will do whatever it takes to fix this, promising to solve the work situation, but they are just words. No matter what he says, it can't change what he did.

The day the friend drove me home, I obviously came home much later than I usually do. My phone's battery also died (part of the reason I ended up being with this man in the first place) and H was worried, called several times, left messages and so on. Then, this friend drove me home and H saw him. So when I came in, he started asking what happened, at first I just didn't respond so he started with his accusations. I have nothing to hide so I told him exactly what happened and then he was just angry. It didn't last long, but he brought it up again today, which is just ridiculous. He is not encouraging me to talk to somebody about it, my family, whoever, if it would make me feel better...I can see that he is making an effort, but I don't really care, that's the worst thing.

Twinklestein Sun 24-Nov-13 22:47:58

At least you have only confided in this guy not had sex with him!

It's a fairly crap diversionary tactic, I guess your husband is now paranoid about losing you... but he should have thought of that before.

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 22:52:29

ImperialBlether
I don't know. I've never dealt with this before. This affair is such a shock and I have no idea what to think or believe right now. He says it's over so for now I'm trying to believe that, but for all I know he could still be lying to me.

I didn't tell him to end the affair. I just saw the message she sent him. I wasn't even snooping through his phone, it was just buzzing non-stop and annoying me, which is why I looked at his messages in the first place. I've met this woman, so when I saw her pictures, I knew that this was real and I confronted him about it. He admitted everything right away and told me he would break things off with her right away, then the next day he came home and claimed that he did.

There is one thing, I don't know if it should give me confidence or not. He claims that he ended the affair several times during the time they were seeing each other. Then she would always do something, like sending him the types of photos I saw, to "entice" him and get him back. He showed me some of their messages as "proof" of this. But if he has ended it previously and still went back for more, what's to say he won't do it this time? He says he won't but that doesn't mean too much to me right now.

ITCouldBeWorse Sun 24-Nov-13 22:53:57

I think you may have confided in your colleague because the opportunity was there, or it may have been because you want To talk to a man you believe to have some ethics and decency, in the hope of not being disillusioned with all men.

Your husband is a git. Have you sti check? Has he?

He really should jump through hoops to get you to even consider giving him another chance.

Twinklestein Sun 24-Nov-13 22:56:16

I've no idea why he think that sharing his lame attempts to 'end' (if that's even true) it was a good idea, if anything that just makes him sound weaker...

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 23:02:33

* Twinklestein*
You're right, it does.
I saw a lot of the exchanges they had via text and it's all so explicit and just ridiculous really. He has never talked to me that way. I really can't look at him the same way anymore. I had so much respect for him and suddenly I feel like i'm dealing with a hormonal teenager

sima123 Sun 24-Nov-13 23:09:44

WantedAboutTheMincePies - thank you for the recommendations, I will look for these smile

MadBusLady Mon 25-Nov-13 09:10:40

I am trying very hard not to think this way, but I can't help it. I keep wondering if I did something wrong or if our relationship was lacking something that made him do this.

Nobody "made" him do this except him. If he had a problem with your relationship, he had reasonable choices - talk to you about the problem, or end the relationship. He chose neither.

I don't think there will be any long-term benefit to you in trying to batten down your natural responses, even if they do feel a bit alarming to you now. I think they need to be worked through. If you eventually decide he has permanently killed your respect and love, that will be entirely his own fault.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Nov-13 09:43:46

She enticed him back? hmm Honestly, I think they all go to the same night-school class entitled 'How to Shift the Blame for your Shitty Behaviour onto Anyone but Yourself'. The woman's an enticing harpie, you're made to feel guilty, the co-worker has an ulterior motive (which he may have but so what?) . He then goes for the old 'I was weak', 'It meant nothing'.... you can't respect anyone with that kind of unoriginality.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Mon 25-Nov-13 09:51:12

No can be enticed if they really dont wanna be, he was thinking cheap fuck, wont hurt the missus.

SummerPlum Mon 25-Nov-13 10:15:11

Wow. She enticed him?

Hahahaha.

He doesn't have a very high opinion of your intelligence, does he?

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that all of his actions so far indicate that he views you with contempt.

Time to get angry, OP.

He needs to move out and you need some space to think and decide what you want.
You can't live like this for the next 5+ weeks.
You'll go insane - honestly!
Pack him a bag and tell him to go while you think things through.
And for him to bring up your friend again is just feckin' unreal.
Tell him to go fuck himself if he ever mentions that again.
Time for you and space for you, first and foremost! And he needs to understand and respect that.
If he starts kicking off then he really has NO respect for you at all.

livingmydream612 Mon 25-Nov-13 23:50:05

I think your dh has no right to be angry with you and he should be doing his best right now to show u how sorry he is for his disgusting behavior. I am sorry he cheated on u and your family op. Well done for trying to keep the marriage going. If it was me I would have LTB.

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