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DH cheated and we're in a right mess, could use some advice

(65 Posts)
sima123 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:24:53

Hello,

I've been lurking a while but this is the first time I've decided to post. DH had an affair that lasted about 6 months. It's really a 'classic' thing with a much younger woman that works with him. I had suspicions that something was going on, I noticed that he was acting somewhat distant. I trusted him and told him that if he ever wanted to talk about what was bothering him, I'd always be there. Well, he didn't talk to me or confess. Instead, I found out accidentally one day when she sent him photos of herself by text. This was several weeks ago and things have been getting more and more complicated. We've talked about it endlessly, he told me the whole story (or rather his side of it). Again, it's the classic story - she meant nothing, she came onto him and he was weak, etc etc. I honestly don't know what to believe. I've always trusted him, perhaps too much. Anyway, we have 2 young daughters and have decided to try and work things out, but it isn't going well at all.

The first huge problem is that the OW still works with him! He has a very good, well paying job and it doesn't make sense for him to quit. Obviously, he can't make her leave the job, so we're stuck. I've lost trust in him and just can't feel comfortable knowing that he's around her everyday. I can't make him leave his job either and I really don't know what to do. If we could solve this, we'd have a much better chance of moving forward.

Then, I went and did something stupid, which complicated things even more. I have a male co-worker that I've known for a very long time. He used to be friends with my husband and myself when we were younger (I introduced them and invited him out with us). Well, DH didn't like him, felt that he was acting inappropriate towards me (I never noticed this). DH was never jealous before, so I took it seriously and made some distance with this man.

Anyway, after I find out about the affair, I confided in this man. It was incredibly stupid, especially since I haven't told anybody else (friends or family) about it. He drove me home from work one day and DH was suspicious, thought that something might have happened between us (it hasn't) but I told DH about how I confided in the man about his affair and he was obviously very angry.

I still see this man everyday at work, husband sees OW everyday too...we can't communicate with each other, I don't even know where to begin!

Madlizzy Fri 22-Nov-13 14:29:20

Relate maybe?

JeanSeberg Fri 22-Nov-13 14:32:09

Your husband needs to look for a new job if he's serious about restoring your faith. However, sadly I don't think you have much hope whilst he's still minimising things.

Ask him to leave for a few days while you work out what you want?

Tryharder Fri 22-Nov-13 14:33:19

I don't think you will be able to move on until your DH is truly sorry. He can't be found out, brush it under the carpet and then have the audacity to get annoyed because you confided in someone he doesn't approve of.

You need professional help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 14:35:37

Your DH is taking the piss. He's lying about the circumstances of the affair and trying to make himself out to be the injured party. He makes no offer to move job but expects you to suck up the idea of him working with his lover. And then he has the audacity to be suspicious about a man driving you home!!! And why shouldn't you confide in a friend about his affair? Are you not allowed to have friends? Are you supposed to keep his secret for ever?

On the back foot, shocked and worried for the future, you may have decided to try to work things out but your DH is doing absolutely nothing whatsoever. I would strongly recommend you ask him to step out of the family for a while and have a good long think about what you really want out of life.

bunchoffives Fri 22-Nov-13 14:43:30

I think you need to take the position that your H needs to show to you, to prove to you that he is changing himself and his life to win back your trust and love.

At the moment you seem to be trying to take responsibility for him. As for objecting to you talking to your friend, I'd tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. Who was it had the affair again?

The others are right.
So far he has no consequences what-so-ever for the affair.
Your head is in a mess and he is still living with you.
It's the usual advice though. Ask him to move out for a while so you can gather your thoughts and decide what you want.
Just because you said you would try, doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
Once he is out of the house and you are doing better then maybe you can both sit down and talk about things.
You also need some real life support here.
Confide in a close friend or family member. They will want to help you out no matter what you decide.
First and foremost though, pack him a bag and ask him to give you some space.
No contact other than access to the kids.
Take back some control here!

Cogito has nailed it.

If he was sorry, he'd be doing everything he could to show you that. He is doing nothing, and personally given the way he is behaving I doubt it's over.

Make it real to him. Make him move out. It'll accelerate everything and save you months of heartache.

It may sound illogical, but the best way to get him to commit (if you want that) is to act strong, be independent, and show him you don't need him.

sima123 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:45:00

Thank you for your responses!!
I think you're right, I do want to ask him to leave, for a while at least. I was afraid of doing this because in my mind that's like saying I want to end our marriage. I don't, but the situation is so bad that I need some space and I do need to figure out what I want.
I'm also concerned about him leaving his job, especially because he earns much more than I do, so I'm worried about what would happen if he's out of work. At least if he started the process of moving to another position, I could see some hope.

I'm glad that you don't think I'm being unreasonable for confiding in my coworker. I think that DH is showing anger because it takes some of the pressure off of what he did, but I won't let him do that. I'm not the one that had an affair.

I never understood his dislike for this man. He isn't as horrible and controlling as it might come across, it's just this one particular person he doesn't like.

Mrscaindingle Fri 22-Nov-13 14:45:16

I think you need to find your anger with regards to all this. I agree with everyone else your DH doesn't sound at all apologetic and it seems the onus is on you to move on and make things work.
What is he doing to make amends?

One thing I have learned from reading the relationship boards that until your 'D'H realises that he may lose everything because of what he has done then nothing will change and he will continue to believe he has got away with it and is more likely to do it again.

I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this, life is really tough sometimes x

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 22-Nov-13 14:46:02

I always look for you on these threads cog. I think you give sound advice, nothing more to add really, I'd have said the same. Been there got the t-shirt. Ain't easy x sorry you're going through this OP

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 14:46:42

It's definitely not over.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 22-Nov-13 14:46:42

Have you told anyone else about it Op? Why should you be keeping his dirty secret? I would tell everyone.

sima123 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:49:03

Honestly, I'm too ashamed to tell people about it. I don't have any of my family in the country and I don't want others to know about it, if we do decide to work things out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 14:51:17

"I never understood his dislike for this man"

The co-worker is kind to you and you like him. That's why he dislikes him. His internal logic is that he's allowed to screw around as much as he likes but you are his property and other men must therefore back off. Double-standards of the worst kind. You say he's well-paid in his job. Is he the competitive type? Hate losing? Does he control you at all?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 14:53:00

" I don't want others to know about it, if we do decide to work things out."

A lot of people in your position do this. It's understandable not to want to wash your dirty linen in public but keeping such a big and damaging secret to yourself is very harmful. Do you have just one good friend - besides the co-worker - you could confide in?

sima123 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:58:30

Is he the competitive type? Hate losing? Does he control you at all?

Um..I'm not sure to be honest. He's not controlling. I know with this situation, it sounds that way, but I can't think of any other time that he's been unhappy about me spending time with someone or tried to make decisions for me/told me what to do. Although, because of my situation, not being from here or having any family and because of the financial difference, I am am quite reliant on him.

But yes, work wise he is very competitive.

sima123 Fri 22-Nov-13 15:02:16

Do you have just one good friend - besides the co-worker - you could confide in?

Yes, I do have friends that I could talk to. I think that I'm still in shock to be completely honest with you. Like I said, I did notice that something was happening, but I didn't suspect an affair. I thought that there was a problem of some sort and tried to get him to talk to me. I was trying to be supportive, not realising that he was cheating on me.

I feel like such an idiot. This is why I've decided to post on here at least, just to have a chance to talk to people about it anonymously.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 22-Nov-13 15:04:32

He doesnt like your friend because your friend has qualities that your DH is forced to recognise he doesnt have, him cheating proves his disloyal and dishonest, now he has to face up you the fact you have male attention thats different from him.

Also hes angry at him driving you home, because he knows if you did the same, he has to forgive you and realise how you felt.

I'm too ashamed to tell people about it
This is NOT your shame - it's all his shame and you must remember that.
YOU have nothing at all to be ashamed of.
Confide in one close friend.
Blimey, I've been backwards and forwards with my OH and my friends have always supported my decisions, even if they disagree.
Can you go to your family for a little while - get some real distance???

MadBusLady Fri 22-Nov-13 15:13:08

You're not an idiot. Now that you're over the initial shock you're doing exactly the right things - questioning, not letting him off the hook, prioritising your own need for space. Any decisions you've made so far can be unmade, most prominently including the decision not to tell people. So don't worry about the story so far. If your overall goal is to save the marriage, you need to do exactly what makes you feel most comfortable and equipped to do that. And if he is serious about saving the marriage he needs to accept your decisions. He is the one who put you into this position.

I guess the first question is, are you 100% sure the affair has ended?

Don't try and go through this alone, tell your friends, tell anyone you want to. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You will need their support. Whether you stay together or split up it is a very rocky road. I was amazed at the help and support I got from people I didn't even know that well. They kept me sane, and made me laugh. The laughing was important!

If it helps, the thing that made my DH suddenly realise what he had done, was me moving out, filing for divorce, going out with friends, and just enjoying life. I don't need him, he knows that now. I guess at some warped level it makes me more attractive hmm. We're together now, but the dynamic is different. We are equals.

BalloonSlayer Fri 22-Nov-13 15:20:08

He's probably worried that you are going to have an affair in revenge. I would also wonder whether his affair started with the OW "confiding" in him about something, so perhaps that's a big rid flag to him and he is panicking.

Good!

He needs to realise that he doesn't call the shots over:

- whether your marriage continues
- whom you choose to talk to about it

Both are your choice. Not his.

MadBusLady Fri 22-Nov-13 15:22:27

Also, hellsbells is totally right. The shame is all his. By keeping the secret you are protecting not yourself, and not your marriage - just him. He does not deserve your protection right now. His needs should be a looong way down your list while you figure out what it is you want, and use any resources you need to do it, including your family and friends.

I don't want others to know about it, if we do decide to work things out.

I'd have a good think about that. What would the best case scenario of "working things out" look like, say, 5 years in the future? Would you be happy with your family and friends retaining the same opinion of your H while yours is irrevocably changed? I can't imagine an affair ever really goes away, even for people who successfully work through it. It means a big chunk of your life and your marriage is going to be invisible to the people who love you; it will affect any guidance they might give you and your DH in future, and affect how close you feel to them.

custardo Fri 22-Nov-13 15:29:39

I wouldn't be happy if DH continued to work with someone he fucked.

I don't know how you can be - so I presume you can't, I presume therefore that this is eating away at you?

I think this situation is doomed

so whilst you can work rationally - with figures and numbers,

then rationalise this - if your marriage fails, this won't matter.

to be honest if dh fucked someone else - I couldn't forgive him anyway.

your dh is using your conversation with another man as a point scoring excersise to lesson the fact that he went out and rammed his dick in someone else.

i'd tell my dH to shut his fucking mouth and fuck the fuck off

the moral of the story is, if you are trying to stay together, and you are both colluding in the illusion that he must stay at work because the money is good - this will not work, how the fuck could it? don't be dim. be smart for your children.

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