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Massive crush on much younger man

(58 Posts)
butterballs9 Fri 22-Nov-13 13:12:59

Anyone else found themselves in this situation? I am married but the spark has gone and we are more like good friends than anything else.

I now find myself with a massive crush on a much younger man. Astonishingly, it appears to be mutual. I don't know whether to be flattered, shocked, appalled that he has tried to seduce me (which he has) or excited.

I am aware that there is a huge MILF, cougar thing now and I most certainly do not intend to be a scalp on some cub's bed post. God, how embarrassing. I can't avoid him because we live in the same community. Let's just hope I don't bump into his mother, lol!

butterballs9 Fri 22-Nov-13 13:13:48

Perhaps I can pair him off with one of my daughters!!!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 22-Nov-13 13:19:10

I don't know whether to be flattered, shocked, appalled that he has tried to seduce me (which he has) or excited.

You're married.

Be married, and ignore YM, or split, and then work out how titillated you feel by his attentions. But not before.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 13:23:54

I promise you this is the grass that, should you cross the fence, will turn out to be crappy astro-turf. However, you don't sound like you are going to act on impulse and pursue this guy. Why not use this moment to try and reignite the spark in your marriage?

onetiredmummy Fri 22-Nov-13 13:25:38

I think you are transferring your own needs & wants onto the YM regardless of whether he can deliver on those. Perhaps the things that have gone in your marriage are things you still want & with the attention of YM you are thinking YM can be all of these things. Make sense?

Could he be any man that shows an interest (sorry I know that's sounds horrible) but is it the man himself you like or the fact that there is somebody around who might possibly provide you with stuff you aren't getting?

If you left your husband would you want to explore YM?

onetiredmummy Fri 22-Nov-13 13:26:29

Plus it is exciting to have someone interested yes smile

`I don't know whether to be flattered, shocked, appalled that he has tried to seduce me (which he has) or excited'.

What emotion exactly would you be feeling if your DH had a similar thing going with a younger woman?

Now take a cold shower and grow up.

tummybummer Fri 22-Nov-13 13:32:32

I think it's ok to be flatted by it, but you need to distance yourself from this straight away. NOTHING good will come of this, and when you lose your reputation, you can't get it back.

Either work on your marriage or leave.

pinkpeony Fri 22-Nov-13 13:59:43

op, I had a massive crush on a younger man (8-9 years younger than me I would guess) when I was married (in fact I was a newly-wed at the time we met so the spark hadn't had time to go yet). And I know the attraction was mutual as we worked together in an office where we often had to go socialising with colleagues after work in a boozy environment. However I never acted on it. I think it is normal to have occasional crushes on other men when married or in a long term relationship, but one (hopefully) doesn't usually act on it. Now I'm divorced and have seen the ex-crush a couple of times and still think he's adorable, but still wouldn't act on it. The attention is flattering though and it's eye-candy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 14:10:14

"I don't know whether to be flattered, shocked, appalled..."

Go for 'flattered' but probably leave it there if you all live in some small community. Otherwise the gossip will be sprinting out of control before the truth has time to get its boots on. If your marriage isn't very exciting any more this experience might be the 'life in the old dog yet' moment you need to make a fresh start.

butterballs9 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:13:22

Yes, I think there is quite a bit of transference going on. If I was single I would almost definitely act on this (although the age gap would still freak me out a bit). But I don't think such an intense attraction would have developed. He is an attractive man and can probably pretty much have the pick of girls he wants. I imagine that part of the attraction is that I represent something he can't have. And I probably represent a challenge as if what my teenagers tell me is anything to go sex these days is most certainly not something that you save for marriage.

I like the astro-turf analogy!! I am under no illusion that the grass is greener.

I would be amazed if my husband were to go through a similar experience! But really you can't stop someone from experiencing a crush. It just happens. Doesn't mean you have to act on it and sometimes they just fade away or you go off someone for some reason.

I'm not jealous - he can get involved with another woman if he wants. Like I said, for me the marriage is more to do with friendship and shared interests and responsibilities.

No, I have had other men show an interest in me, and actually I find it quite annoying as I don't want to be unkind but I am just not interested. And it can get in the way of a friendship plus create an awkward atmosphere.

I guess I will just look but not touch. It's just weird and I wondered if anyone else had experienced anything like it?

I agree about the reputation bit. That is important to me.

butterballs9 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:17:40

'Life in the old dog' - hilarious! Yes, I am probably sending off vibes that I am a bit bored. Hmmm. The gossip - that would be awful.

butterballs9 Fri 22-Nov-13 14:18:51

pinkpeony - why wouldn't you act on the crush now you are single? Is it because of the age gap (which doesn't sound very much) or for another reason?

pinkpeony Fri 22-Nov-13 16:34:56

Not sure, maybe because it was always somehow escapism/fantasy-land for me and now that I'm free it's somehow lost its appeal (or maybe because he now has a girlfriend so he's not that interested either!). Possibly if I ran into him in a bar and enough drinks consumed I might go for a snog :-)
And there were a few other crushes too when I was married (just not with that big an age gap), I never took the crush thing too seriously so never acted on it. And I am sure there will be / are other crushes now that I am single again (got out of a very bad marriage after 9 years together) and I may well act on them! There is definitely life in this old dog :-)

ajmc67 Fri 22-Nov-13 18:12:04

Hi OP! To answer your question, yes I have experienced exactly the same thing, and yes, i acted upon it! I was married but worked with a very much younger man than me...he was 19, I was 42 and we hit it off straight away. He chased for quite a while and it was all very exciting. After a couple of months, we went out and the rest is history.
I am now divorced and have been living with YM for 3 years. Everything is good and I have no regrets. For me the grass was, and is greener.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Fri 22-Nov-13 18:39:41

Maseltov to you ajmc67. Genuine question here but how did you get your head around the age gap?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Fri 22-Nov-13 19:17:32

How do you know the crush is mutual ?

ajmc67 Fri 22-Nov-13 19:17:35

Hmmm, difficult question. I guess that it was never really an issue for me. I knew that we got on well, enjoyed each others company and that i wanted to be with him...I never really saw him as much younger... it was more the case of how others might see us, but then I realised that really it was no one elses business but ours, and yes we were the big gossip around our area for quite a while, but people soon move on to something else.

beaglesaresweet Fri 22-Nov-13 19:26:10

sorry to be negative, but you have no regrets YET, ajms67. Unless you see it as a short-term relationmship. Now you aer 42-43 it's all fine, but in 10yrs time when you aer 53 and he is 29, he's likely to want children or just his tastes will change and he'l lstart finding his owm age women more attractive. Of course you could hope you will be an exception, they happen, but yo'd be extremely lucky!
I had a lot of sexual interest from younger men for a while, and I'm attarcted too, but nothing lasting came out of this on a couple of occasions that I've got involved.

beaglesaresweet Fri 22-Nov-13 19:28:16

sorry for typos, half-dark here!

neiljames77 Fri 22-Nov-13 19:31:30

There you go ajmc67!! Chips well and truly pissed on!!!

beaglesaresweet Fri 22-Nov-13 19:38:39

misread somewhat - you must be 45-46 now and he 23ish, but imo the same will applly when he is nearer 30.

ajmc67 Fri 22-Nov-13 19:39:49

Hi, yes, obviously I have considered this. BTW I am now nearly 46 and he is 23. I would already consider it to be a long term relationship...been together 4 and a half years...longer than some marriages! If we all went about worrying if and when a relationship may or may not break up, it would be a pretty miserable existence. All I know is that I'm happy and no, I do not have any regrets, nor will I! Even if we split up tomorrow I know that I would rather be on my own than be where I was before I met YM.

ajmc67 Fri 22-Nov-13 19:43:36

neiljames77 confused

beaglesaresweet Fri 22-Nov-13 19:48:36

ajmc, well yes, if you have this happy-go-lucky attitude and stay happy whatever happens, that's great. Most people are not as easy-gooing, and if their marriage is not awful but just no spark, they would want a relationship they leave it for to be really long term - maybe forever. Of course is the marriaeg was utter shite, then nothing to lose, but you are doing well if you are can avoid emotional attachment with someone who makes you very happy. I know I couldn't do this, I've avoided quite a few unlikely crushes/offers knowing this, I'd rather be alone than fall in love while knowing that it won't last.

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