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What would you do?

(115 Posts)
CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 09:43:58

I wasn't sure where to post this so I put it here, apologies if it's in the wrong place.

I have this male friend who I've known for years. He came round to mine a few weeks back for a catch up as I'd not spoken to him for a while. I've seen him around but haven't recently had time to stop and chat. Anyway, one thing led to another, he stayed the night and, well, you catch my drift...

4 weeks on and I discover I'm pregnant to him confused I already know how monumentally stupid I've been sad. I've decided not to keep the baby as I'm not in a relationship with this guy and I don't plan to be either. I also have 3 children of my own and I'm a single parent, plus a load of other stuff I have going on at the moment. I know this is the right decision for me and my children and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway, my problem is, do I tell him I'm pregnant etc? He's a really good friend and I don't want to ruin our friendship. Plus, his son goes to the same school as my DCs so I see him pretty much on a daily basis. Part of me thinks it's be better to keep it to myself, but another part of me tells me I'm being cruel by not involving him confused what do I do?

Jan45 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:22:43

Personally if this was a man I was good friends with and had been for a long time I'd have to tell him something like this, hopefully he'd support me in my decision.

It's really your call either way.

Kaluki Wed 20-Nov-13 10:29:51

Joinyourplayfellows - of course he can't have a termination confused that wasn't what I meant. I just don't see why he should be able to merrily have unprotected sex with no consequences? The OP has to go through the ordeal of a termination while this man just carries on regardless!!
I was referring to emotional consequences more than physical ones.

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:32:54

I don't think he would support me in my decision though. From what I can gather from h he wants more children, so I think he try to change my mind.

I'm not going to change my mind though. I know I'm doing the right thing for myself and my children, I really couldn't cope with 4 on my own, and our well being ofc comes before his feelings.

I have my sister coming with me by the way, so I'm not going through this totally alone

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 10:35:30

Glad you've got your sister there for you and aren't trying to tackle this entirely solo. BTW... do you still regard him as a friend after this, knowing he was OK with unprotected sex and wouldn't support any decisions arising from the consequences?

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:36:02

If I did tell him, then it could cause a load of drama and tears. Plus I don't want it to become awkward in the school runs when I bump into him, and I don't want to risk him slipping up and saying something in front of my children.

But if I don't tell him, I could, as a previous poster said, end up with an elephant in the room.

I think at the moment that not telling him would he the lesser or 2 evils so to speak

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:38:57

I haven't really thought about our friendship to be honest. I only found out I was pg a week ago and everything's just been one big whirlwind since then with doctors appointments and referral letters and making the decision to go ahead with a termination etc

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 10:44:06

"I just don't see why he should be able to merrily have unprotected sex with no consequences?"

So she should tell him to punish him?

Despite the possible ramifications for her?

Including him telling other people?

It's his baby too - give him some input. He could be a bigger support to you than you think.

You were both irresponsible having unprotected sex and should both be dealing with the consequence.

You can tell which side of the fence I sit on.

normalishdude Wed 20-Nov-13 10:58:46

Most men would want to know. I would want to know. I think you should tell him.

normalishdude Wed 20-Nov-13 11:00:47

and regardless of want I think he deserves to know.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 20-Nov-13 11:04:34

Why would you tell him?

To get his support?
No, you suspect he won't be entirely supportive of your decision.

Because he has a right to know?
He doesn't have a right to know anything.

Because there will be an elephant in the room?
That elephant could potentially be a lot bigger if you do tell him and he disagrees with your choice.

Good luck, op. As you can see, I wouldn't say anything right now.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 11:07:42

"he deserves to know."

As a prize for having unprotected sex, he wins hearing about somebody else's medical procedure?

I don't understand why the man doesn't deserve some input? It's his baby too.
Your friendship will hardly be the same again anyway as your platonic friend has now got you pregnant, so you may as well accept that something massive has changed in the dynamics here.
If you're too scared you'll lose his friendship because he doesn't agree with killing the baby, that's no real friendship in my mind.

normalishdude Wed 20-Nov-13 11:11:14

Clearly it's a deeper issue than that. I am sure that the issue has been discussed many times on this website.

I don't think you should tell him if you have made up your mind.

Would you tell him if you had remembered when you were in town and popped into boots for the MAP? If it is early then you can take two tablets and I know it isn't the same but it is similar.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 11:11:35

You do understand why he has no right to any input.

But you are a pro-lifer who is here not to support, but to guilt trip and goad.

Please do one.

Kaluki Wed 20-Nov-13 11:14:09

Joinyourplayfellows - are you deliberately misinterpretting all my posts?
Of course not to punish him. But why shouldn't he face the emotional consequences of this like the OP has had to? OK she has decided to do it but it doesn't make it easy to do. Maybe he will think twice before he has unprotected sex again - in fact maybe they both will because OP has paid a higher price for it.
OP glad you have got your sister for support.

AmberLeaf Wed 20-Nov-13 11:16:00

I don't think a termination is a 'punishment' for having unprotected sex, so there is no reason that he should have to know to bear some of the 'punishment' as it were.

As you are sure that he would try to talk you out of it, you should keep it to your self. Having him trying to talk you out of it would be so unhelpful, it's difficult enough, you don't need that kind of headfuck.

Glad you have got your sister to support you.

sharesinNivea she isn't 'killing the baby' she is terminating a pregnancy that has barely begun.

Kaluki Wed 20-Nov-13 11:16:14

and how dare you tell another poster to 'do one' because they disagree with you.
angry

normalishdude Wed 20-Nov-13 11:16:35

I am not debating with you.

What kind of input could he possibly have? An anti-choice view is irrelevant here since the OP is pro-choice.

OP, I wouldn't tell him. There is no reason for him to know. You aren't in a relationship with him and you can't guarantee he would be supportive. Making him 'feel the consequences' is only likely to bring you more grief.

AmberLeaf Wed 20-Nov-13 11:17:39

But why shouldn't he face the emotional consequences of this like the OP has had to?

I get your point, but as he is likely to pressurise the OP and make things even harder for her, it makes complete sense for her to keep it to herself.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 11:17:42

"But why shouldn't he face the emotional consequences of this like the OP has had to?"

Because forcing him to "face the emotional consequences" means involving him in her termination, which she doesn't want to do.

How he feels about any of this is irrelevant.

It isn't happening to him, and telling him won't change that.

It will just give him an opportunity to start expressing opinions on something that ultimately is nothing to do with him at all.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 11:19:03

I told sharesinNivea to do one, because she is clearly here to goad and upset the OP.

"But why shouldn't he face the emotional consequences of this like the OP has had to?"

I think maybe because it is a big decision and you don't want to deal with other people when making it. I know that I buried my head in the sand and felt like I was on auto pilot from the time I found out. I didn't want to talk to anybody.

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