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Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

(249 Posts)
20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 15:35:06

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him sad

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

fifi669 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:10:54

He wanted you to meet his children that seems like a plus! I think you are overthinking at this stage. Maybe he didn't want to put pressure on you so left it as your decision about the weekend? You're still seeing a lot of each other so it doesn't sound like he's backed off to me...

MrsRBrand Mon 18-Nov-13 16:58:06

I think things are all a bit ropey at the start of relationships where you're both trying not to get hurt, I think time is the only thing which allows you to see if you can both trust each other.
Relax, just enjoy it, he's saying awkward things like that probably based on his own fears and is trying out ways of being that may not be appropriate to your current situation.
Time I say.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 17:03:57

A few weeks into a relationship you should be feeling happy and confident with someone, looking forward to seeing them again etc. I don't think you're being unreasonable actually and I think you should trust your judgement. He's drawn you in with the OTT stuff and 'I love you' and now he's being a little too casual and dismissive. That 'hook line and sinker' remark wasn't a joke.

Eight weeks in and the magic's gone?.... Regain your peace of mind and kick this one to the kerb

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 17:22:06

That's what I'm scared of cog that the real truth is he's drawn me in with the OTT stuff and now is being more casual. Supposing I'm wrong in thinking this though and I do end it and I lose something good. Am I expecting too much? We get on well when we are together

I really like him and don't really want to lose him. I shouldn't have to be asking him where I stand should I?
I just keep feeling like he wants to get rid of me. Is that just my confidence issues?

I complemented him on something about his appearance the other night and asked what he liked about me, he mentioned a particular part of my body ( we were specifically talking about physical attributes) and when I said " anything else?" He said "give me half an hour and il let you know"

I just feel sad sometimes that some of the niceness has gone. I used to get a lovely email everyday from him now nothing. I'm making it sound really bad he's actually quite nice to be with. I just can't get certain things out of my head

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 18:00:54

I don't mean to offend you but you clearly lack confidence or you wouldn't be subjecting yourself to this indifference. 'Give me half an hour and I'll let you know?' hmm Patronising bastard. Correct answer is 'let me save you the bother' right before you walk out of the door. I wouldn't stick around to be insulted.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 18-Nov-13 18:09:55

I agree with Cogito.

2 months in you should be feeling all loved up, not second-guessing his reactions.

What a mean bastard to tell you "Give me half an hour"...

That would tell me all I need to know about his commitment to me. The new job indifference also says it.

Don't wait around for him to dangle carrots about Christmas. By then you could be meeting a good one. smile

Oh, OP, I'm doing this too. Guy I've known for 5 years, been flirting for about six weeks, met up Thursday and shared a hotel room, though we didn't have sex. We are meeting up tonight in a town 20 mins from me, which he is getting the train to after work. I'm waiting for him to text me with an ETA and haven't heard from him all day, though I've text him asking what his ETA is. Logically he's probably on his way to the station and so I'll hear from him soon but I'm beginning to panic now. ARGH!

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:12:36

I know it sounds really bad when I write it down here but I am only saying the things I think may be bad and that I worry about. He teases me quite a lot so it's hard to tell and we laugh a lot. He spent hours massaging my bad back and he does loads for me. I just don't know what to think, I'm not sure he is indifferent to me

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:20:12

We have made plans to spend Christmas together and he's still talking like that's whats happening so I don't think he has plans on ending it. Though I really like him I'm not sure anymore what he really feels for me. A lot of the time I do feel very loved up, I suppose what I'm asking is isnt it normal to feel a certain amount of insecurity and to be a bit unsure at the start of a relationship? Especially if you have low self confidence

Walkacrossthesand Mon 18-Nov-13 18:20:24

I would also add that, if you decide to give it a bit longer, do a bit less if the 'fishing for compliments' stuff (what part of my body do you like best?!) . Play it straight down the line, you are coolly assessing whether or not he's worth your time, not trying to assess how much he likes you. I think you're seeing glimpses of a nasty, cruel streak, but could be wrong. Keep your eyes wide open and your spidey senses on high alert!

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:26:11

walkacross I see what your saying. It's just I'm not sure if I'm too demanding and expect a lot or the opposite and my standards aren't high enough?. I seem to expect a lot of attention and reassurance or I get insecure, although having said that I don't tell him this

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 18:26:37

It seems quite quick to think the fizz has gone out of it after only 2 months. We all want to make a good impression at first. Then it seems sensible to rein back a bit, not be suffocating, or risk getting ahead of yourselves and running out of things to say and places to go.

I hope you haven't jettisoned your friends when it's still relatively early days. I suggest you keep busy, see your own friends, or focus on homely stuff, thse evenings you haven't arranged to see him.

Can this be down to previous experience? Are you thinking you're going to get messed about? Some people find big flash gestures a bit predictable or OTT. Maybe he thinks you're a lovely steady person who won't be won by superficial moves. Maybe he's old school and not as into texting etc as your previous BF. I honestly think making plans for Christmas is about as committed as a new partner could be. He'd run a mile suggesting anything over the festive season if he were only interested in the short term.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 18:29:19

'Teasing' is not a good thing. Teasing is cruel humour. Taking the piss but laughing it off. Being deliberately mean but following up with 'only joking'. It's in the same category as sarcasm. I agree with the PP... eyes open for more evidence of a nasty streak.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 18:32:25

He teases me quite a lot so it's hard to tell and we laugh a lot. He spent hours massaging my bad back and he does loads for me.

Well I read this and he doesn't seem cruel or obnoxious to me but that is the beauty of MN we can read things differently.

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:35:12

He's definately old school when it comes to his phone, he couldn't care
less about it and has never been big on texting. Part of me feels that he's just settling down in a comfortable mode now rather than a chasing mode

ZombieMojaveWonderer Mon 18-Nov-13 18:46:28

I've completely read this differently to everyone else because I just think it sounds like he's just settling down into the relationship and teasing can be because he's trying to hard. I wouldn't fish for compliments if I were you because that can be annoying and put people off. Just try and relax and enjoy it. Stop second guessing and give him a chance. grin

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 20:31:01

zombie I really hope you are right. I think I am on high alert for all sorts of things he may/ may not say due to my previous relationship being an EA one. I am scared of being messed around, getting hurt and taken advantage of. I don't want to end things though because I really like him

bigstrongmama Mon 18-Nov-13 21:05:47

It sounds to me like you are craving the stability you get from a longer-term relationship and it is too soon to feel that with any man. Doesn't mean it won't happen one day with him, you have to wait and see how it pans out, same as everyone.

Maybe leave the analysing for a set date, every couple of weeks say. You could write a diary of your feelings in between then look back on it. That way you can concentrate on having a good time with him, and work out how you feel about him.

Can you find that stability in other parts of your life, with family or friends?

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 21:10:37

bigstrongmama what an excellent idea, I will keep jotting my feelings down but try not to analyse except for my chosen time. I think that might help me and distract me the rest of the time.

bittenByBees Tue 19-Nov-13 01:05:36

You're being a little bit childish perhaps

After two months surly you must notice what kind of person he is
Over analysing can drive people nuts but we still do it
so I can see your point of view

Maybe just try to talk to him more
I'm sure conversation can clear a lot
And possibly put your mind in
peace

Well good luck any way and hopefully your concerns will disappear soon

Roseflowers Tue 19-Nov-13 02:24:44

OP I know exactly how you feel! I've recently started dating someone and just cannot relax at all. I've never been this insecure when dating someone before, and I can't figure out if its because I'm genuinely picking up on negative signals or if its because my recent dating experience has been so terrible recently (I've well and truly had the rug pulled out from under me very sharply a few times, and totally not seen it coming). I am waiting for the same thing to happen with this bloke and it means I just keep analyzing everything which is frustrating because its only been a few weeks and I barely even know him to be able to analyse things! You've had a bit longer, and so your feelings of insecurity could be something you're subconsciously picking up on, or they could be based on your own sudden realization of your feelings and fear of loss/ pain associated with having those feelings. Or hey, it could be a mixture of both.

It could be that he's gotten more comfortable and doesn't feel the need to try as much (lazy if so), or maybe he isn't as totally infatuated with you as he was before. If he's still talking about future plans and giving you massages those seem like obvious signs he's still into you though.

In my case I'm going to wait things out and see how they play out. The important thing to remember is that even if things do go south and it turns out he doesn't feel the same anymore, you will live, you will be happy again (and you will find someone else!) smile

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 05:52:07

I just get tired of the whole game playing thing of dating. It does seem he was totally infatuated to begin with and now not so much. It's like I feel I can't be myself as men won't like me ( I know this isn't true with the right one) however he seems to have changed since I tried ti initiate a conversation about why we hadn't had penetrative sex when we did everything else. I did his in a very non blaming way but he walked out, I let it pass as knew it was an embarrassed reaction. It took 4 days for him to properly come back and since then things have been cooler ( although we have had sex)

He doesn't say he loves me, misses me anymore, yet he still makes plans with me. Sometimes I feel very confused

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 05:52:46

rose I hope all goes well for you

Relationships that start off with infatuation rarely last because they aren't based on reality, rather one person falls for the idealised version of someone, then when they get to know them as a real person of course they aren't as keen. It's a form of dysfunction to be full on and declaring love very quickly into a relationship because it's all about the person projecting what they want in a partner onto the other, or otherwise it's about the person having a lot of unmet needs and feeling 'love' because their chosen partner seems to meet those needs.
2 months in is too soon to be feeling any of this.

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