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Please help me see clearly

(44 Posts)
AnneWentworth Mon 18-Nov-13 12:50:23

This morning H went ment DS1 and 2 (5 and 7). It was over something silly and he hit them. He was furious and you could see it in his face and he swearing. He then proceeded to DS3 (2) and force him to lie down in bed and smacked him and was shouting. I intervened between the older ones and went back and took DS3 on the school run.

The issue is that this is not the first time. He is often like this over the silliest of things. He gets annoyed about taking any DC to an activity and would have them go to school, come home, go to no parties and play dates and watch TV. When we are all home together he never ever wants to do anything at all.

Today I said that I was not willing to tolerate it anymore and he told me to fuck off loudly continuously until we left. He told me I cannot have the flat and the DC.

DS3 and I stayed out to give done thinking space and we were texting. He said I have no control over the DC and if I instigate alone rules and they follow them then he won't lose histemper. I told him the only way I would work I. It is if he/we have counselling. He said he first need it the problem is I know what annoys him and don't do anything about it.

Since coming in an hour ago he has consistently told me how if I keep the house tidy etcthen and I quote "he won't be a cock to you and the kids".

I want out. I have had enough. I am not being unreasonable am i? The conversation just ended with him saying he will go then but nothing seems to be happening and he doesn't actually have anywhere to go.

I am so confused and upset.

FobblyWoof Wed 20-Nov-13 11:46:40

Hi Anne, hope you're feeling better today.

I don't think you're weak. I think you're scared. Scared of your husband, scared for your children, scared about being seen and accused of overreacting. To you at the moment the idea of contacting any kind of authority seems a step too far and I think you're worried both that they will dismiss you (they won't) or that others will believe you're being dramatic (especially as we all know, including you, that your husband will use this against you). Some people may think you have overreacted- who cares? You know what you saw.

It must be difficult when you're so involved in huge situation and have so much history with your husband, so let me ask a question-- if you had seen exactly the same situation occur but it was a stranger in the street doing that to his children would you stand by and watch? Or would you call the police?

I do understand that you didn't just watch him do this, you did try and step in, but unfortunately by choosing to stay with him you may as we'll be standing by and letting this happen. Realistically, looking at the situation and your husbands complete lack of guilt and remorse (and the added extra of him blaming and controlling you) I think it's fairly safe to say it's not a case of if he becomes violent again, it's a case of when. So, essentially, you're just waiting until he lashes out, hits and becomes violent to your children again. Would you leave your children in the care of a stranger (babysitter, childminder, teacher etc etc etc) that not only had a history of violence, but a history of violence against your children? No, you wouldn't. So why him? Just because he fathered them?

And if your response to that is "well after yesterday I'll never leave them alone with them" then what is the point in staying with him? This is a man you cannot trust to be alone with your children, what hope do you ever have of making it work and being a family unit? Realistically, I'm afraid the answer is none. I think deep down you know this, but you're scared. You might be able to paint a picture of how wonderful things could be if everything were normal and it could magically sort itself, but the reality of the situation is very different.

My advice? Even if you think contacting police and SS is a step too far, you really should not be with this man. At all. Just bear in mind that if you divorce without informing the authorities of what he's done he may want joint custody and access rights, and then you won't have the ability to be there standing in between him and your children. Perhaps a first step could be you telling someone else you know- a friend, your mum? Because I bet you've kept this to yourself.

Take care Anne, I really hope that you realise you have no reason to be scared and do the right thing thanks

garlictrivia Tue 19-Nov-13 16:56:58

the decision is yours Anne & yours alone - Not entirely, as it goes.* If someone else reports the violence against your DC, they could be taken into care and you could both be prosecuted.*

I have never highlighted this on a Relationships thread before, as it tends to smack of putting the frighteners on an already frightened woman. I remember, however, when a discovery that some of my husband's abuses were illegal shifted my perspective drastically. I was inured to relationship abuse - it was my normal, as it will be for your children, if they grow up in your existing family set-up - and the legal change gave me much needed clarity. If the law considers it a crime, then I no longer had to ignore it. I hope this works the same way for you, Anne.

onetiredmummy Tue 19-Nov-13 11:35:11

Well the decision is yours Anne & yours alone.

As a precaution start setting aside a stash of money in a current bank account that your husband doesn't know of. Ideally it should be a few £100. Keep this ready and don't use it for everyday stuff. Have online statements so nothing in paper every comes to your home address & although its technically savings make sure you can withdraw the money if you need to at any time.

Have a back up plan, know where you would go to if you all had to leave quickly, even if its a hotel or B&B for the short term. Keep the phone numbers of Womens Aid in your purse so you will always have them.

Remember that not one person on this thread has said it is OK to stay with him.

Remember that if you don't protect your children then who will?

Remember that even if you don't take our advice, you can come here at any time for help.

AnyFuckerWillDo Tue 19-Nov-13 11:13:53

He forced your 2 yr old to lie the bed and smacked him?

Oh my god your poor poor babies. You need to protect them and never let this happen again

How you can look at a man like that let alone share your bed with him I don't know. I would call the police and tell him to leave. That's awful.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 19-Nov-13 11:08:56

Not weak, perhaps, but shocked and needing time to process it all.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 19-Nov-13 11:06:24

Anne

You can't change what you didn't do & I totally understand why you didn't/ couldn't do something about your situation previously.

Your doing the best you can right now that's what counts.

Take care of yourself & your dc.

AnneWentworth Tue 19-Nov-13 10:50:25

Thank you everyone. Glenshee - I am at work today and that is what I intend to do so thank you all so much for pointing me in the right direction even if I have been too weak right now to follow it through properly.

Glenshee Tue 19-Nov-13 09:59:33

If you are not strong enough to involve police and SS at this stage, please seek support for yourself immediately in the form of counseling, advice from Women's Aid and friends. You need to get to a point when you're strong enough to chuck him out, and you need to get there quickly.

I dont mean to make things worse but have you thought that at some point your children might disclose this to a teacher or someone else at school?

Because it is abuse that is ongoing, you said this is not the first time and SS would then be involved. And perhaps wonder why you and your children are still in this environment?

I understand that you are saying you want somewhere solid, a plan before you leave but I would say that this is not the best idea. Yes, leaving and going into temp accommodation or a refuge is going to be a huge disruption but surely, surely its better to know your children are safe and not having to creep around so as not to annoy dad in case he hits them again?

stickysausages Tue 19-Nov-13 09:38:09

Please stay safe on the meantime. There may be no physical bruises... but you children and you will be scarred by him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 09:37:35

Please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 rather than living in fear waiting for him to throw the next punch. Biding your time waiting for something solid to go to could end up meaning you never leave.

AnneWentworth Tue 19-Nov-13 09:17:52

Sorry for not coming back yesterday. We are all fine. The DC have not even mentioned.he hasn't spoken to me since our final words yesterday.

There are no bruises or slap marks. I feel so shit not doing as you have all said, but I am binding my time so that when we leave it isn't frenzied. When/if he loses his temper again we will be walking out there and then and letting him know the police will be in touch. We will be leaving though but I want something solid for me and the kids to go to.

Glenshee Tue 19-Nov-13 00:36:59

OP, this is really obvious for an outsider, and I do appreciate it's not always easy to see things clearly when you're in the middle of it, but I want to second everyone else's advice and say - your ONLY decent way of dealing with this incident is to report it to police and SS and get the man out of your house and your life. There is no other way.

WallyBantersJunkBox Tue 19-Nov-13 00:26:51

I loved my daddy because I just thought this was normal behaviour and happened in every home.

It was only until I left home that I realized it wasn't normal. By then he'd smashed a record player over my head, punched me to sleep when I had insomnia and a catalogue of other daily moods and violence.

I also showed my father overwhelming love and happiness because I wanted to make him happy. If he was happy and calm we wouldn't get hit, we wouldn't have Christmas days with no speaking and breakfast cereal for Christmas lunch, we wouldn't be too scared to leave our bedrooms and be children.

The effects have been so far reaching into my life that there isn't enough text space op. Please don't do this to your children.

Just your description of him holding down your dc and slapping them brings back the hot burning shame and fear of being knocked around by my father, and I am almost in tears just thinking about this. Please tell the police if your are scared and he is being an arse. He's a coward really, and he is trying to intimidate you.

Can you call on your parents, siblings, anyone to come and support you?

garlictrivia Tue 19-Nov-13 00:13:52

The police have powers to get him out and keep him out. He has committed a crime - several, in fact. The police don't need your permission to act, they only need the crime reported quickly. If you are not at home now, call them from where you are.

If you are at home, take pictures of the kids' bruises or slap marks, and either report it now or first thing tomorrow.

Your life is going to change, and that's scary but is a good thing. Your children will suffer for life if you don't rescue them.

Also call Women's Aid and tell them what's going on with him, the police and everything. Here's their number: 0808 2000 247

You can't fix a man like him, I'm afraid. The damage runs too deep, and he uses violence & verbal abuse to get power. It's very sad but he is broken. He will break his children, too, unless you save them.

AnandaTimeIn Tue 19-Nov-13 00:02:01

I couldn't even get further than half the second paragraph of your OP....

I would instantly leave a man who hit my children. I would call the police.

After the first time.

I hope you get the help you need. You owe it to yourself and your boys to get you all out of there for good.

I had to leave my marriage before my child was 1 due to violence. No way I would have let my child grow up to experience that... not what I wanted either in my life!

The best decision in my life even though SP is hard! But always better than that!

He is a young adult now and thriving... me too, actually grin

SkateLife Mon 18-Nov-13 23:45:18

Op please tell us you're okay.

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Nov-13 23:31:42

LondonNinja, Anne Wentworth is a literary figure, in Persuasion.

TeenyW123 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:03:40

Anne

If you report your husband's violence to the police and SS you will be demonstrating that you are trying to protect your children from this awful, out of control bully. They will ensure he doesn't have contact with you and the children.

While SS prefer families to stay together, it isn't at any cost. Your husband is physically abusing his own children! Tell someone in real life; get the ball rolling and get this horrible, horrible man out of your children's lives.

Jesus, I'm not often moved to respond but I went all sweaty and sick reading your post. He's a bastard.

Teeny

SkateLife Mon 18-Nov-13 15:16:11

Polices and SS seem extreme because he's normalised the behaviour. It's NOT normal, he hit your kids. Maybe you can remember him doing it, maybe that will make you see he's controlling you. It's not normal to make a 2 year old lie on the bed and smack him. There are parents that lash out in anger ( not that it's okay), but he took the time to lift your child up onto the bed and hit him. He had time to stop himself.

On top of that he's telling you to behave yourself or he'll do it again.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm honestly worried about you.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Mon 18-Nov-13 15:01:00

Being messy isn't going to ruin your children's lives but an abusive father will. He is the only father they know so of course they love him. Children give their love easily and without limit. You are responsible for their safety so you have to take control of the situation and call the police.

I am so sorry you are in this situation but you need to be strong for your children's sake and get this abuser out of the family home today.

stickysausages Mon 18-Nov-13 14:56:11

sad please get help today.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 14:55:14

Police and SS is extreme but you're describing an extreme situation. This isn't just some strict parent with a slightly old-fashioned idea about discipline. This is a man that hits and terrifies very young children... his own children.

Monetbyhimself Mon 18-Nov-13 14:49:07

Children are often desperate to please and placate abusive parents. It looks like love but it isn't.

LondonNinja Mon 18-Nov-13 14:40:33

You need to heed the advice here.

Also - if that is your real name, you may want to change it pronto, OP.

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