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Discovering that your DP/DH is cheating when you'd thought you had a good relationship

(27 Posts)
Snoozybird Mon 18-Nov-13 12:18:10

Have read a few times on MN where people have accidentally discovered their OH's affair but had thought they were happy and hadn't had any suspicions/gut instincts prior to that. Were there really no signs that things were wrong, or were they actually there but only became obvious with hindsight?

DH has never given me any reason to be suspicious of him but I get paranoid that this is all too good to be true. My exH was a cheating arse, I only had one relationship before that in which I was unwittingly the OW (only found this out after I had finished with him). I also had a brief fling shortly before meeting DH which again I realised after the event that he was either seeing or trying to hook up with other women whilst he was with me.

I genuinely think DH is a good'un, he's given me no signs of being unfaithful, however he works away occasionally so the opportunity would be there if he wanted to. How do I learn to trust, or would I be foolish for doing so?

skyeskyeskye Tue 19-Nov-13 00:14:16

Never thought anything if it at the time as trusted him totally, but:

Kept phone on him at all times, slept with it, charged it beside him, always on silent. Took it to the bathroom with him.

Kept it in the door pocket of the car rather than in the middle as usual

Starting going to bed later than me.

started popping out to the shop or his van or the utility room regularly, always with his phone

Started playing iPhone games with IW, to the point if obsession.

Started being moody and quiet

Talked about OW all the time, started criticising her H, his best friend

Started being very bad tempered with DD

All silly little things that seem obvious now but I didn't pick up on at the time as I trusted him so much. He deleted all emails and thousands of texts from her but they were all in his mobile bill.

He walked out prior to discovery having done the "I don't live you any more" speech out of nowhere. , when confronted about the contact he denied and minimised.

If I saw any of that behaviour in a future relationship I would immediately think - cheating. Sad but true.

beaglesaresweet Tue 19-Nov-13 00:01:30

sky, so can you share what you've learned about the signs?

skyeskyeskye Mon 18-Nov-13 22:41:34

It's a difficult one. My XH was the last man in the universe that you would imagine cheating, but he formed an emotional attachment and did the bolt out of the blue walk out.

I discussed it with my counsellor, how could I ever trust anyone again and she said because everyone is different and not everybody cheats.

Of course, now I know all the signs, which I only saw with hindsight, so would be alerted a lot earlier should it happen again in a future relationship.

killpeppa Mon 18-Nov-13 18:17:10

oh dont worry. I have no doubt there is a perfect apple out there for me somewhere. It mught just take me a while to feel up to finding himsmile

my marriage ended the second I found out. the OW in my case was my bestfriend & I was upstairs in bed asleep when IT happened. 2 months later when I found out, his paranoia was explained as those 2 months he was obsessed with the idea I would/had cheat.

you know what they say, point one finger, you have three pointing back at you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 17:33:47

That's the spirit. If you're confident in yourself and have a strong identity as an individual you will find you are less insecure, less suspicious and - most important - less fearful of being dumped or replaced. Resilience comes from within. If you find you can't trust the other person, you get shot of them... you don't start questioning yourself.

Snoozybird Mon 18-Nov-13 17:27:13

Thanks all for the insights, sorry some of you are going/have gone through this. There are so many bad apples out there it's hard to remember there are good ones too.

Cogito you're ight about the self esteem thing, all started with a crap relationship with my parents and despite counselling I have lots more work to do on that front. I don't think I will ever learn to trust completely but I guess I can at least work on my own behaviour so that if the shit does ever hit the fan again I'll be strong enough to deal with it.

Yeah I think people tell themselves that it only happens to unhappy relationships and there are ' tell tale signs'
Nope, it really is like a snail growing legs and walking . I stayed with my partner and we subsequently married but even now I catch myself thinking you can never ever really second guess everything another person will do, so why torture yourself trying to.

ormirian Mon 18-Nov-13 15:48:39

"However I was worried that presumably others whose discovery of infidelity was a bolt from the blue also had relationships which seemed healthy to them, otherwise why the compete shock?"

The complete shock comes because no matter how bad things might be you don't expect the person you think you know so well to do such a thing. It's like a snail growing legs and running - it just can't happen!! Of course I was wrong - my snail ran like a good 'un wink

alphacourse Mon 18-Nov-13 15:47:20

Totally blindsided me too. Would have bet my LIFE on it.

ormirian Mon 18-Nov-13 15:46:22

Well my experience FWIW was that I had a funny feeling that something was up but I had no idea what as H was the last person Id have thought of a cheater. But at the time our marriage wasn't good.

It sounds to me as if your experiences have made you more suspicious than normal rather than that your chap is a unfaithful. You learn by him giving you reason to. Tell him your fears, let him ease them. It isn't just your problem, it's something for both of you to address.

SandyDilbert Mon 18-Nov-13 15:37:25

I don't know how they do it - don't think it is worth trying to understand such behaviour. My ex won't even see our daughter any more either - don't think he wants to see her as then he will have to explain himself and see what he has lost. Give yourself time to grieve Killpeppa, not only for what you had but the future life he has snatched away from you.

killpeppa Mon 18-Nov-13 15:33:47

It hasnt sunk in here either.
Im in the process of moving out & im sure when its done it might hit me again.

how can you do this to your wife and kids? I would love him to give me that answer, jut once I'd love to know how he could destroy everything.

SandyDilbert Mon 18-Nov-13 15:30:37

I saw no signs of unfaithfulness whatsoever - little did I know what he was up to. Same as 50shades - I still remember what he has done 2 years on and it takes my breath away - will never come to terms with it.

killpeppa Mon 18-Nov-13 15:12:55

snoozy
there was really no signs at he time.

now I look back and think
'you stupid bitch, what did you think he was doing?!,

hindsight is a wonderful thing. So is divorcewink oj

Yep happened to me, complete bolt from the blue, I thought we were untouchable and had no idea he and the ow were in contact.just awful , it's nearly 4 years on and that first revelation still traumatises me and shakes me to the core.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 14:38:05

You can't legislate for someone else's behaviour. You can't control others. If someone wants to have an affair, they'll have an affair even if you keep them (metaphorically) chained to a radiator and blindfolded.

You self-esteem is the thing to fix here. Not solely 'trust' ... that's a two-man job that involves honesty and communication built up over a long time. But you have to learn to be more confident in yourself rather than assume you're not worthy of love.

Snoozybird Mon 18-Nov-13 14:32:51

AuntieStella that's a good point about learning to trust through many instances of behaviour over time.

However I was worried that presumably others whose discovery of infidelity was a bolt from the blue also had relationships which seemed healthy to them, otherwise why the compete shock? I've read lots of times a confident proclamation of "he just wouldn't do that/he wouldn't have the time anyway" etc etc followed by the inevitable revelation of an affair days/months later.

My DH can reassure me all he likes but deep down I feel like I am just waiting for him to lose interest in me. Will be a self-fulfilling prophecy if I can't let go of my insecurities sad

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 13:20:53

I don't even trust myself 100%, so it makes good emotional sense to not ever say that anyone would not do X, Y or Z.

AuntieStella Mon 18-Nov-13 13:14:45

You learn to trust by being in a relationship where there are many instances of trustworthy and considerate behaviour over time, and where actions show that you are indeed the primary partner who does come first.

You have nailed down your insecurities, and I think that your DH needs to know about them. Good communication assists trust enormously, and part of what makes communication good is being able to tackle difficult subjects. Is this an area you would feel happy to talk to DH about?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 13:00:43

You don't have to accuse him of being unfaithful in order to admit that you are insecure. It's something you have to work on together and it sounds as though he's a decent & thoughtful man already.

Snoozybird Mon 18-Nov-13 12:58:15

Thanks for your replies.

QueenBee DH texts me during the day and always phones me every lunch break, he also keeps in contact with me when he's working away. He's not particularly romantic but we do kiss and cuddle outside of it being the run-up to sex.

I have lightheartedly brought up with him that I feel insecure sometimes but have never accused him of being unfaithful. He reassures me that he loves me and fancies me. I know I need to work on my self esteem but having seen others get duped as well as my own past experiences I find it hard to trust.

maleview70 Mon 18-Nov-13 12:54:59

Men are opportunists when it comes to cheating.

I've seen men cheat when on lads holidays that wouldn't dream of doing that at home. They did it because the opportunity presented itself.

None of their wives have a clue but if you let this sort of thing eat away at you then it will drive you mad.

Working away obviously gives opportunity but I've worked away alot and to be honest I don't even venture out of my room at night as knackered and don't really fancy drinking in a bar on my own. Even when I have done this there are very view women drinking on their own, if any so it's not like it's a place full of people looking to have a good time.

A nightclub on the other hand in Spain when away and with a few drinks inside you is another matter.

This for me would be the most dangerous time as I've seen it happen time and time again. I would say around 30-40% of people on these trips have cheated.

Maybe I know the wrong kind of people but I would think this isn't uncommon.

onetiredmummy Mon 18-Nov-13 12:33:13

Complex question snoozy, after an affair its easy to look back & point & say he was doing this & this & that, but at the time things are easily passed off & not noticed. (If someone is routinely working late but using that as an excuse for having an affair then its not usual to think of the affair first.) The signs can often only become apparent after the affair is discovered.

Trust is pretty much an essential in your relationship with DH, communicate with him & share your fear. Its your past experiences that have made you who you are & he should understand. Working away will not make him unfaithful in itself, only he can do that. Any relationship is an investment of trust on both parts, along with reciprocal love & respect, its a risk we take & sometimes it works for us & sometimes it doesn't but that's no reason not to try again.

KissesBreakingWave Mon 18-Nov-13 12:28:15

Have a care with it. I've walked away from two relationships where DP has refused to believe I'd not cheated.

YoucancallmeQueenBee Mon 18-Nov-13 12:25:32

Snoozy, how does he treat you? Does he respect you? Does he do genuinely nice things for you (and I don't just mean flowers & a meal out)? Does he care about you and make time for you?

You can tell a lot by what someone does. Words are cheap & easy, so I don't go a lot on those, but actions count for something. If your current partner is acting well towards you, then that should give you confidence to start trusting him.

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