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What contact do I have to accept by exh

(18 Posts)
moldingsunbeams Mon 18-Nov-13 12:15:42

Exh has a contact method because we have children together.

However ex uses it for all sorts.

To email me and ask what money was I apparently took from his account seven years before when we were together
To tell me he is feeling suicidal and its basically my fault for leaving.
To kick off if he receives a bill of old debt in either his name or both names from when we were together and I mean really kick off and tell me its causing him to want to die.

If I don't answer pretty quickly he will send messages saying
HELLLOOOO!!

I am fed up of continuing to live on egg shells.
We are divorced.
He does not come and see dd.
He does not give any money.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 12:27:52

You don't have to have any contact other than necessities. If he is not visiting DD then there is no need for him to be in touch. If he was a reasonable man you'd potentially be able to have a reasonable relationship, cooperative and fair. If he's an unreasonable man, you need to detach from him and involve the law instead.

Contact and maintenance should be legally defined, for example. That way if he reneges he is committing an offence. If you don't want him to have contact with your DD get CSA involved about the maintenance. If you're getting abusive messages from him threatening suicide etc, keep them and show them to the police. Their 101 non-emergency number is good for this kind of thing. Seven years on is ridiculous. It's harassment.

onetiredmummy Mon 18-Nov-13 12:40:24

If he doesn't see DD or provide for her then you need not have contact at all. Change your number/email address.

What would happen if you just don't answer?

moldingsunbeams Mon 18-Nov-13 12:42:00

Thank you Cogito.

He does not have contact with dd by his own doing, I have never stopped it just kept her safe. I am expected to check my email daily despite the fact he never contacts other than to have a crisis about something and never phones dd.

It dawned on me last night that he is still controlling the relationship and I am still walking on egg shells seven years down the line...

moldingsunbeams Mon 18-Nov-13 12:43:59

onetiredmummy he knows where my parents live so I presume he would hassle them and they are both pretty poorly.
In regards to any bills that come surely he says I do not live there and he does not have my address but has an email for me and gives that to them, surely its as simple as that??

I have opened my eyes this weekend that I am still being emotionally abused from afar!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Nov-13 12:50:40

Well, don't check your email daily. You don't have to. I remember the wonderful liberating moment when I realised one day that I am not obliged to answer my own telephone just because it's ringing. I was about 38 at the time!

Suggest you send him one sharp email that says "please only contact me for matters directly relating to DD. I have no interest in anything else you may wish to say to me and will refer any communications of this type to the police". Then he can't say he wasn't warned. And then you do that. Constant unsolicited emailing is harassment and there is a law against it.

Or just email back "that's nice, dear" to everything, including the suicide threats.

onetiredmummy Mon 18-Nov-13 12:51:22

He either still thinks you care about him or you have a duty to listen to his shit. You don't.

With regard to bills he can contact the company & explain that you don't live there anymore & either give them your email or not, its simple really & I am still doing that for my ex! Otherwise I tell him the company name & what the bill is for & he can contact them himself. What kind of bills are appearing after 7 years? In my experience if you owe money to a company they don't arse about for 7 years sending letters, they would take matters further & would find you at your new address if necessary. Are the bills true or is he trying to manipulate you through financial fear?

angry that he would hassle your parents!

moldingsunbeams Mon 18-Nov-13 13:00:11

Basically we had debt because he kept walking out of work because they made him do jobs beneath his degree filing was one and every time he got a job he would either lie and say he had been laid off and I would find out he had not or he would go off with stress and start screaming he wanted to kill himself as a result. He was emotionally abusive and physically destructive once we were married.

We had massive outgoings and lost our home despite me working, a lot of stuff was in my name, some things also seem to have been taken in my name that I was unaware of, I am still finding out about bills I had no idea about as DCA chase unpaid debt.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 13:02:08

You should probably run a credit report, see what debts still have your name on them and then consider talking to CAB about how, seven years down the track, you can get yourself out of the liabilities.

moldingsunbeams Mon 18-Nov-13 13:05:29

I actually do not know if the bills exist come to think of it!

I know one did because it was a bill in joint names which I was paying installments for and he was furious when they wrote to him because he did not see why he had to make payment also.

He messages me to ask me about money from his bank statements from years ago.
He messages me to ask things about his jobs years ago.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Nov-13 13:09:03

Didn't you have a clean break divorce then?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 13:09:42

You have to cut off his oxygen supply. Either ignore completely or keep a copy and reply 'talk to my solicitor'. Nothing more than that or he will treat it as encouragement to keep communicating. Any 'HELOOOO' rubbish... ignore, ignore, ignore. A good tip is to change your main e-mail address for everyone except him so that you can choose if/when you read it, rather than when it's not convenient. As said earlier, keep copies and report to the police if he's getting too far out of his box.

You can run a credit report via Experian and it should tell you any credit going back quite a long way that has been taken out in your name. You have to sign up with a credit card but, once you've got the report, you can cancel the account and not have to pay.

Citizens Advice Bureau are very good at this kind of thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 13:10:26

BTW... if he hassles your parents, that would also potentially be an offence.

onetiredmummy Mon 18-Nov-13 13:11:58

You perhaps need to take full control of your finances OP & see what the debts are, particularly if some are fraudulent & are in your name but you didn't take them out.

There are a few ways of doing this:

- Get your credit report online, its gives details of debts & creditors who are trying to get repaid.

- Make an appt with the CAB, they have specific financial consultants who deal with debt & ask their advice, there are all sorts of things that can be done depending upon the level of debt & your ability to repay them.

- Phone Stepchange for advice. http://www.stepchange.org/

- If money has been taken out in your name & signatures forged then that is criminal & need to be investigated.

Take control of the money, just worry about the debts you are liable to repay, not his & get yours sorted. Its such a relief to do pro active things (& in the end I found that I was so angry with my ex about the finances that it gave me the strength to get rid of him once & for all.) It can seem daunting but its worth it!

onetiredmummy Mon 18-Nov-13 13:12:22

x posted with Cog smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 13:13:20

It's worth saying twice! smile

moldingsunbeams Mon 18-Nov-13 13:15:13

Thanks all, will run a check, I know when I moved house they ran a credit check and it was good so maybe some of it is bull.

Annie we were in accommodation when we split, no finances were discussed, we divorced based on two years, I did it myself as could not afford a solicitor. He had no solicitor either, neither of us went to court other than me to submit papers. We arranged child access our self.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Nov-13 13:22:00

O right. So some slightly untidy ends left by necessity. Still, 7 years is one hell of a long time for joint liabilities to be still crawling out of the woodwork. You do need to take control of this or it may run on forever #shudder# .

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