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Am I spoiling our marriage? (Sorry very long)

(25 Posts)
Desperate09 Mon 18-Nov-13 10:21:38

Hi everyone,

I would really hope you could help me by giving your honest answers.

My husband and I seem to be close to the end of our marriage and I am not sure if it's my mistake.
The reason we mainly argue about is money and my husband tells me that I am too concerned about it and hence ruin the marriage.
I am currently on maternity leave and hence getting of course only a small amount of money. I took only 4 months leave, as I am the main earner in the house and we couldn't pay our expenses with my husbands salary. Before I left on maternity leave we were sitting together and were talking about how much money we will need and how much I need from him. He had told me once he can't pay anything until end of December due to the fact that he has debts. When I asked him how much he has to pay he told me it's £750 approximately. So I discussed with him again how we could afford the maternity leave including the fact that he has to pay his debts. Meaning he would start with a small amount for the first month and then slowly increase for the last two months. This way he could have paid all of it by this month. As this would not cover our bill expenses I asked my family if they could lend me money, which I would have paid back on monthly installments once I return to work.
Last months he was supposed to pay £400 as agreed. He did so but then at night when I was sleeping he took my bank card and transferred £100 back to his account without talking to me about it. I got really mad not because of the amount because we could have managed but because 1st of all he didn't discuss it with me to see if we actually need the amount or not, 2nd because it's not the first time he is taking money from me without talking to me and 3rd because he had received £1200 of salary and would have had £800 left once he transferred the money to me and as he only pays £350 - £400 per month for his debts he would still have enough for himself.
Anyhow this month he was supposed to contribute again but I have not received a single penny. Some weeks ago I had asked him if he got his salary so he could pay for the tenancy agreement renewal and he said no he doesn't have it yet. Some days later I checked and he actually did have his salary already and on the day when I checked he went out with his friends and spent £200 in one night for drinks etc. I also found out that he had spent £80 on internet betting and I assume he also paid money at Ladbrokes plus almost £400 to speedycash.
He tells me that I am spoiling our marriage because I talk too much about money but isn't it the duty of a husband to at least contribute to the household expenses? It's true I shouldn't mention things from the past but he does the same things over and over again.

Please let me know what I have to do to save this marriage.

Cheers

mercibucket Mon 18-Nov-13 10:28:27

your dh sounds like he has big mobey problems caused by, perhaps, gambling addiction. he is hiding it, or something, from you and trying to stop you asking questions

mercibucket Mon 18-Nov-13 10:28:40

mobey??

money

TheFabulousIdiot Mon 18-Nov-13 10:31:44

You are not in the wrong.

Presumably when you go back to work your child will need some kind of paid child-care?
Will your husband be contributing half of the money needed to pay for that?

You need to split all bills and mortgage down the middle and he pay half.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Nov-13 10:33:47

But you have to plan to pay bills! You can't just not talk about money when the household needs it. And you certainly can't blow it on wickedly expensive evenings out when the other partner is borrowing money off family to keep afloat. He's got a major "what's yours is ours, what's mine's my own" attitude going on there, while you're trying to stay on Planet Earth and keep a roof over your heads. Of course it is the duty of an earning partner to contribute to the household expenses, especially when the main earner is currently down on earnings because she is having their child ffs. angry

I would bet a dime to a dollar his debts are a whole lot more than he's admitting to, too, except that there has been altogether too much betting in this tale already.

I think it's time for a really frank discussion about finances.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 18-Nov-13 10:36:29

Tell him you need to talk openly once and for all about money, what each of you has and how you deal with it. If he is wasting money, gambling and lying to you about it, then he is the one putting the marriage in jeopardy.

Ask him to talk to you honestly. But if he won't do that you have to protect yourself and your child - you have a responsibility to them now.

Branleuse Mon 18-Nov-13 10:36:58

hes a cocklodger

JoinTheDots Mon 18-Nov-13 10:41:59

I would have some serious concerns about a possible gambling addiction. He is being secretive, seems to have less money than he should if his outgoings are as you predict, and he is getting very defensive about you talking to him about money.

I could be very wrong, but this does seem like the behaviour of someone who has a problem. You are a partnership, he should not have any problem with being 100% honest with you about his finances. He should also not be secretly taking money from your account!

You need to deal with this as soon as possible, I think I would be delivering an ultimatum - honesty over finances from now on, or leave.

Joysmum Mon 18-Nov-13 10:44:16

Was about to post the same thing. This is ringing alarm bells for me I'm afraid. I think he's trying to get you to back off because there's a problem.

TheFabulousIdiot Mon 18-Nov-13 11:25:02

here's what you do.

get a piece of paper. Write down all your major outgoings including bills, mortgage etc.

add it all up.

divide it by two.

Tell him to set up a standing order so that one half is paid into your account on the same day every month.

If he refuses tell him to move out and pay his own bills in some other kind of rented accommodation.

Desperate09 Mon 18-Nov-13 11:27:14

I tried talking to him which always ends in him saying I should stay out of his expenses. That in return makes me so angry that I will bring up how many times I have been taking care of us financially and how he has taking money from me (which he paid back after a lot of drama).
He says since he mentioned that he cannot pay until end of Dec I shouldn't have ask him for any contribution. I on the other hand think that it's OUR child and we both have to make sure things are paid. Furthermore did I consider him paying back the debts he mentioned to me so I calculated in a way he would have enough to pay it back plus have some money for himself.
Recently my MIL also calls every day at 4am. I asked him to tell her to call at least at 6am but he says he won't do that because he doesn't want to talk in front of me because I will just bother him.
The truth is I only bother him because my MIL is encouraging him to start silly business ideas what eventually will end up in a mess, as these businesses are one of the reasons he has the debts. So he doesn't like it when I tell him if I don't think the idea makes any sense or that he is not made to have his own business and should work on a career.

Holdthepage Mon 18-Nov-13 11:29:36

You are not spoiling your marriage, he is. Sounds like he has a gambling problem. You both need to sort this out before he racks up any more debt, easily done with Internet gambling.

Matildathecat Mon 18-Nov-13 11:32:29

He's got a big problem with gambling. He prioritises betting over you and your dc then lies and steals. Yes, taking money from your account is stealing.

I would immediately change your passwords and ensure any joint money or assets are safe.

This isn't going to go away, look into support groups for him and sorry but if he won't engage I would seriously consider if this is how you want to spend your life.

Desperate09 Mon 18-Nov-13 11:34:16

TheFabulousIdiot: I suggested that he pays for the nursery once I'm back to work and then pays a fixed amount of money every month for food and expenses for the baby. This is not even 50% as I would pay around £1500 and he around £600. This way we would both have the same amount of money available for us individually.
He refused as he doesn't want any money transactions with me. So I suggested he then pays directly for our bills. The only answer I got was he will calculate and let me know.

tinypumpkin Mon 18-Nov-13 11:34:58

I agree, serious alarm bells are ringing. I also worry that his debts are more than they seem. You are spoiling nothing, your DH is not being at all fair. The standing order as another poster suggested is a good idea.

Does your DH realise how serious you are about this, in that it could be a deal breaker?

ChipAndSpud Mon 18-Nov-13 11:42:34

Sorry OP but I don't like the sound of this at all sad I think you need to have a sit down and a serious discussion about your joint incomings and outgoings and decide if you're not paying 50/50 who is paying what.

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 18-Nov-13 11:44:57

Agree you need to write up a budget and then proportionately work out his fair contribution to the bills and set up a standing order.

I doubt this will happen though op, if he is quite happy to sneak through your purse for your card and transfer money back to his account he is hardly going to sit there with you scrolling through Moneysavingexpert.com is he?

I imagine he might be in some severe gambling debt. Who goes out and spends £200 on themselves in one night? Was it at a Casino? £80 at the bookies when you are the breadwinner and you are concerned about outgoings.

I think you need to get on Experian or some such website and check exactly what borrowing is in his name, and possibly your name if he thinks nothing of rifling through your handbag. I think you need to brace yourself op, and think about your future with this man.

I'm so sorry that this has tainted your maternity leave. I am always more worried about money than dh and it's not nice to have all that stress when others are being reckless with your hard earned cash.

And for what it's worth I certainly won't be phoning my ds at 4am when he is married with a new family. Even if I am Alan Sugar and living in Australia. I wonder if he has perhaps told her he is in debt and she is in cahoots with him to help him behind your back.

Or wake up one morning and sit in front of him on the phone to hear what he says. Can you wake up before hand, answer and ask what it is exactly that she keeps phoning about?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 11:51:34

He's ether hiding something or he's very selfish or both. Sadly, I have experience of being married to someone who was hugely irresponsible with money. I recognise all the defensive moves including going on the attack.... you're a killjoy, interfering, too preoccupied with money, have no right to scrutinise his expenses, treat him like a child ... blah, blah, blah. Like you I let him pay less than his fair share to get on top of his debts. Never happened.

You have to get 100% disclosure of his accounts, debts and so forth. Run a credit score to see what loans are out there... you may be surprised. If he has a big debt problem he needs to get financial help, not deflect the responsibility. If he's got plenty of cash but being selfish, you have to decide how to deal with it.

TheFabulousIdiot Mon 18-Nov-13 11:52:33

Did you post about this before? It sounds familiar.

Your marriage is a sham. He's not an equal partner. He lies, evades, gambles and pisses away what should be family money. He won't change.

halfwildlingwoman Mon 18-Nov-13 12:01:50

You are not ruining the marriage by worrying about money. He is ruining it by refusing to be honest. You need full disclosure on everything, the debts and all. The transferring money back once you are asleep is downright weird. Did he think you wouldn't notice? It does sound like a gambling problem.
I am totally serious when I say that I would rather DP cheated on me than screwed me over with money. I could get past infidelity, I could never get past my children's financial security being threatened.
It sounds like you have the earning capacity to take care of yourself once maternity leave is over, so I would be organising an escape fund that he cannot access.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 18-Nov-13 12:06:03

He regularly steals from you.

You can't stay married to a thief.

You are not spoiling your marriage, you are protecting yourself and your children from a man who is financially exploiting you.

BeCoolFucker Mon 18-Nov-13 12:07:51

Does he usually contribute towards your household bills/rent/food etc? It doesn't sound like the does? Apologies if I have got that wrong.

You are not being unreasonable and financial issues are one of the major problems couple face and break up over. If you can't talk about money, it is a massive issue. And he expects you to pay for everything. It's not on and it will only get worse unless he undergoes a fundamental and radical change.

For example, XP used to run a hot deep bath, let it get cold, run another bath and then run the hot tap constantly for half an hour whilst in there. I would get so upset and of course he would then get angry with me. The bills were (of course) in my name. Funnily enough now he pays the bills himself in his own flat he is extremely frugal and doesn't live like this (I have asked him!) - I wonder why? He was also secretly spending on drugs, and his financial mentality means he will ALWAYS live beyond his means and run up debt he can't afford.

Attitudes towards finance, being unable to discuss money honestly, secret debts, gambling, taking £ without asking, expecting met to bail him out while hen lived beyond his means etc etc etc were all instrumental in the breakdown of our relationship.

It's ment to be a partnership where you work together - this has to include financial trust, transparency and honesty. if this isn't happening, then the relationship is broken IMO.

BeCoolFucker Mon 18-Nov-13 12:10:42

I hope the bath example doesn't seem to frivolous - I used it to illustrate that even on a seemingly 'petty' level he took advantage financially and held me responsible while acting very entitled himself. There were more serious things going on too, but the bath thing for me was very telling behaviour.

BeCoolFucker Mon 18-Nov-13 12:12:45

Your MIL calls at 4am every day?
Why not unplug the phone before you got to bed, or turn it off? That is ridiculous.

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