Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The final nail in the coffin? Found text from OW.

(150 Posts)
TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 09:30:17

NC for this. 6 months ago I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right with DH. Being secretive and protective of his phone which he never has been before. I checked his online account and there were hundreds of texts to and from one particular number over a 6 week period. I checked his phone and there was only one text from this number, a female work colleague. The text mentioned them "overstepping the line."

I immediately confronted him and he said that it was a friendship that had got out of control, he was sorry, he'd been stupid but he was flattered by her attentions etc. he would tell her that it had to stop and he'd been a twat, he didn't want to lose me and DD.

I have checked his bills and there has been no further communication other than the odd sporadic text/brief call which could be work related, who knows?

He went out on Friday night with some work colleagues. When I asked who was there he reeled off a list of names and tagged her name on the end. I wasn't happy but he says as they work together she's going to be at those functions and there's nothing he can do about it - he says he barely said 2 words to her. But instinct told me to check his phone again this morning. She sent a text very late last night which was unopened, so I read it:-

"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."

I threw the phone at him and watched the colour drain from his face as he read it. He says that she is infatuated with him, they had a massive argument when he told her they couldn't be any more than friends and that she is bombarding him with texts which he ignores and deletes. He maintains nothing physical happened, but she asked him to leave me for her on several occasions (she must have been bowled over by his charm and witty banter) hmm

He's gone to work in tears saying that he only loves me and that she is trying to wreck his marriage because he's told that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

We've been together for 14 years and have a 3yo DD. I have resigned myself to the fact that he did have an affair which I think I can handle, but only if I can get him to admit that it actually happened which he won't do.

theunashamedow Tue 19-Nov-13 20:25:51

What's it come too when even the ops comments are deleted!

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 19-Nov-13 20:26:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

killpeppa Tue 19-Nov-13 20:31:54

theuna..
I think it quoted or mentioned wording from the nasty post.
It wasnt malicious (if i recall correctly)

Grumpasaurus Tue 19-Nov-13 20:55:27

I hate to say it op, but it sounds like he is feeding you an intricately woven tapestry of bull shit. I agree with other posts, saying he has minimized what was an affair into what could be seen as a drunken fuck, as that is what he thinks will save his hide.

I work in sexual health, and part of my job is to take sexual histories with each patient. I promise you that they did NOT always use a condom. Please get yourself tested. Some sti's can be passed on even when a condom is used (herpes, genital warts, chlamydia).

I also believe he is still lying to you. Hearing what I hear everyday, I believe he had a proper affair with that woman. Even though he might have thought of it as a bit on the side, he most certainly did not give her that impression. Also he engaged in the majority of it whilst sober- so it wasn't just a few drunken fucks.

I don't mean to sound horrible! You sound amazing and so strong and so level headed. I just lnow it's sometimes hard to be objective and to gain clarity when you are being fed things by someone you love. Trust me- people are honest with me when they come to clinic as I put the fear of god into them, and what he says sounds like a crock to me!

ProphetOfDoom Tue 19-Nov-13 20:58:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theunashamedow Tue 19-Nov-13 21:04:10

As grum says get sti tests and if you do contact ow ask her to do same as, as any repsonsible health worker will say, its equally likey she may have caught something from you via dh.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 19-Nov-13 21:32:30

What ARE you on about unashamed? The op hasn't slept with anyone else.

Why do you bother to come on these threads where women have had their lives turned upside down. Just to get your kicks??

Oh....and your name cracks me up. Cod you were the other woman weren't you. But aren't you now married to the man who was someone else's husband?? So stop defining yourself as an ow. It's really boring and quite pathetic.

Get off the thread if you're going to goad like I see you do every time it's an ow thread.

Op- you have been so strong. Just please give yourself time and space to reflect. You are I'm shock and need to live with this for a while before decisions are made.

Sending my support and flowers
X

mammadiggingdeep Tue 19-Nov-13 21:41:59

Oh good, mnhq agree that you're goading unashamed a d totally unhelpful.

Now, op...how are you doing? X

ProphetOfDoom Tue 19-Nov-13 23:10:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 01:13:38

I'm sorry, but he's playing brinkmanship. At every single stage he's admitting only what he absolutely has to, right down to packing a bag to get you to fold, and him away with it. Only when that cruelty to you failed did you get a partial confession - and it is partial. He's admitted only what that text message absolutely forces him to, and the worst part - that they discussed him leaving - has been converted into a fantasy. But that text does not sound like it comes from a fantasist at all. She's saying she owes it to him to be straight, which means they had a relationship she was led to believe was serious enough to necessitate mutual obligations. She says she now knows she was being used and he never had any intention of leaving you, which is the upset words of someone who has been lied to in order for him to get into her knickers. There's no way that dignified reaction to what was so clearly him trying to reignite things is a desperate woman causing trouble, I don't think.

"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."

That's not sounding like a fantasist. That's sounding like someone who is now aware she believed the lies of a player, and is not prepared to be burned again. The "I deserved better" is very telling - I think he chased her, lied to her and she now is hurt and angry but trying to just get on with things. His current version of what went on is about as plausible as the previous ones, which is not very.

FluffyJumper Wed 20-Nov-13 01:31:28

You told him that if you suspected he had lied you would contact her. If I were you I would be suspecting him of minimising and I would contact her.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 01:35:24

I don't have a view on whether contacting her would be a good idea or not. I do know that she's much more likely to still have all those old text messages, and emails (have you access to his emails?)

Someone on here said it's possible with some phones to retrieve deleted texts - that they're sometimes archived rather than truly gone. That may be worth investigating before any other options?

aftereight Wed 20-Nov-13 07:23:52

Yes, if he has an iphone, use the spotlight function to search her name or key words, and even texts and emails which have been 'deleted' may come up. This is how I discovered the full story of my H's affair, despite him swearing he'd already told me the whole truth.

MissScatterbrain Wed 20-Nov-13 07:44:34

Yes I agree that OP needs to see old emails and texts - as part of the trust building process he needs to be willing to show her these to backup his story.

Hope you are ok this morning?

OhSodOff Wed 20-Nov-13 08:08:23

I am very sorry OP. It sounds completely awful.

Boring stuff but make sure you're eating and looking after yourself. Is there anyone in RL who can help you? This is hard to deal with on your own.

I am so sorry about your dad fucking off, I completely understand the desire to have the perfect family, but try not to let that cloud your decision. Give yourself time to work through what has happened. You sound remarkably calm and together, don't beat yourself up if in the next few days the upset and hurt takes over a bit.

I hope you're ok this morning and had at least a bit of sleep. Take care.

TimeStoodStill Wed 20-Nov-13 10:30:18

The nastiness from one particular poster last night made me realise I need to step away from this thread for a while to get some perspective and sort my head out. I am not getting drawn into playground fighting. This is my life. I need time to grieve for the marriage that I thought I had and have lost, decide whether anything is worth saving and concentrate on making sure my DD is happy.

I do have RL support - I have confided in my sister and best friend - both know what happened with the original texting, so this hasn't come as a shock to them. I know neither of them will judge me whatever I decide to do, they just want what is best for me and DD.

Thank you all thanks

onlysettleforbutterflies Wed 20-Nov-13 11:21:43

Very wise op but remember we're here when you need us. So glad you have proper non judgemental support irl. Just listen to you and there is no time limit or deadlines on anything, things will not be sorted one way or another over night. As for details, one bit of advice that I got and held close, was don't get hung up on specifics and finding things out for the sake of it, unless its to serve a purpose the detail will just hurt you more. I hope that makes sense.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 11:24:41

I missed the posting last night - so sorry it was unpleasant. That's especially horrible on a thread such as this, when you've already been the totally innocent victim of betrayal.

I hope things start to look more positive for you soon and you find your way through this as best as can be hoped for. Take care. flowers

AliceinWinterWonderland Wed 20-Nov-13 12:03:40

So glad you've got RL support. Best of luck to you.

Mapleissweet Wed 20-Nov-13 12:08:06

There will always be some really low posters who enjoy getting off on misfortune.
You have had a huge shock, take plenty of time to do what you feel is right. No one lives your life but you.

Jan45 Wed 20-Nov-13 12:15:26

Good luck OP, you have handled it really well, almost too well, perhaps the fall out has still to hit you, take care and give yourself plenty of support.

To me, being lead by his `dick` is almost worse than actually having feelings for someone, if he can be so easily lead then it would indicate to me it will happen again, I hope he can change himself.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 20-Nov-13 12:33:36

Good luck, op

killpeppa Wed 20-Nov-13 12:45:59

well done for not retaliating (I was fuming) OP, that was a nasty post indeed.

Hope the next few days bring you clarity. thanks

mammadiggingdeep Wed 20-Nov-13 12:59:45

Perhaps I shouldn't have retaliated but it was the 3rd nasty post is read from her op.

I'm so sorry that some nasty person let you down. Continue to get real life support and maybe pm any poster who has been particular helpful to you if you need to.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best flowers

Jesus. I didn't see the deleted post but I am angry that the OP feels she has to leave her own support thread because of one spiteful fucker. What a loser.

I hope the OP has some RL support.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now