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The final nail in the coffin? Found text from OW.

(150 Posts)
TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 09:30:17

NC for this. 6 months ago I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right with DH. Being secretive and protective of his phone which he never has been before. I checked his online account and there were hundreds of texts to and from one particular number over a 6 week period. I checked his phone and there was only one text from this number, a female work colleague. The text mentioned them "overstepping the line."

I immediately confronted him and he said that it was a friendship that had got out of control, he was sorry, he'd been stupid but he was flattered by her attentions etc. he would tell her that it had to stop and he'd been a twat, he didn't want to lose me and DD.

I have checked his bills and there has been no further communication other than the odd sporadic text/brief call which could be work related, who knows?

He went out on Friday night with some work colleagues. When I asked who was there he reeled off a list of names and tagged her name on the end. I wasn't happy but he says as they work together she's going to be at those functions and there's nothing he can do about it - he says he barely said 2 words to her. But instinct told me to check his phone again this morning. She sent a text very late last night which was unopened, so I read it:-

"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."

I threw the phone at him and watched the colour drain from his face as he read it. He says that she is infatuated with him, they had a massive argument when he told her they couldn't be any more than friends and that she is bombarding him with texts which he ignores and deletes. He maintains nothing physical happened, but she asked him to leave me for her on several occasions (she must have been bowled over by his charm and witty banter) hmm

He's gone to work in tears saying that he only loves me and that she is trying to wreck his marriage because he's told that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

We've been together for 14 years and have a 3yo DD. I have resigned myself to the fact that he did have an affair which I think I can handle, but only if I can get him to admit that it actually happened which he won't do.

I am sorry to hear this. He has been really quite good at deceiving you and lying for you, for a prolonged period. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

I think it is too early for you to decide whether you can accept this or not, especially if you dont have the full story.

Will you be prepared to ask him to leave while you clear your head? This will give you some space and allow you to take control back, as well as give him a chance to really think about what he stands to lose.

JustAnotherFucker Mon 18-Nov-13 09:36:45

I think you have just caught him out and he will say literally anything to try and weasel his way out of it sorry.

You've read that text yourself and it simply does not fit with the lies he has so far told you.

If being truthful is the way forward for you, then tell him that.

For me though the earlier lies and obvious nature of his deceit would be a deal breaker. Some time apart at least.

If you had never looked at his phone do you think he would have come to you and confessed? I would seriously doubt it tbh.

AuntieStella Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:20

I think you need to warn him that the only way to save your marriage is a full disclosure of what happened. Give him a few hours to digest that this means that you need to know absolutely everything, and that he has one shot and one shot only. You cannot guarantee what happens next; but that any excuses or evasions mean that you will be asking him to leave.

Then see what he does.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:28

I'm sorry that this has happened. Of course he's going to blame this other person and call them 'infatuated' - they can't defend themselves . Of course he's going to turn on the waterworks - he's sorry he's been caught. Whatever the truth of the situation I'd recommend you ask him to step out for a while, let you catch your breath, think clearly (i.e. without him sobbing in your face) and work out what you want to do next. If he's truly remorseful he will not object to this. He will also take the initiative to suggest how he may regain your shattered trust. 'Handling' an unfaithful partner is a very rocky road.

AuntieStella Mon 18-Nov-13 09:45:45

I don't know if this will help, but you might want to show him this article about the utterly corrosive effect of lying/withholding/minimising]]

Full disclosure means he has to risk everything, but if you get your Ground Zero then at least you know what you are dealing with, and if (to quote Shakespeare) the will 'give and hazard all he has' to win you back.

You have to also consider that his tears were also partly for finally getting the boot by the OW after seemingly having tried to persuade her to continue the affair. He was blown off, AND you got to hear about it. Utter humiliation. He may also be worried he has embarrassed himself in front of colleagues on Friday night, and have to go in to work to face the music there too.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 18-Nov-13 09:47:58

If he is really only committed to you, then he just can't expect to go along to events like this where she is. The fact that he did shows that he expects to have his cake and eat it. He certainly can't expect to stay working at the same place, and if he has not said something along the lines of 'of course I'll have to look for another job', then he's still not doing what he should and is still hedging his bets.

I agree with the posts above that some time apart is necessary, plus some initiative being taken by him to repair the damage and own up to what he's done.

theunashamedow Mon 18-Nov-13 09:49:16

Actually that text sounds like something a dumped ow might send to upset the little wifey at home,.. Not sure about the earlier episode as could well have been en EA or a real affair but if he's not been texting etc much it might just be her trying to break you up for revenge and to so she can get him to leave you and come back to her...

theunashamedow Mon 18-Nov-13 09:49:32

Actually that text sounds like something a dumped ow might send to upset the little wifey at home,.. Not sure about the earlier episode as could well have been en EA or a real affair but if he's not been texting etc much it might just be her trying to break you up for revenge and to so she can get him to leave you and come back to her...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 09:51:01

"to break you up for revenge and to so she can get him to leave you and come back to her..."

Be serious. Wifey?? hmm What sane man is going to go with someone that maliciously got him kicked out of a perfectly nice home? The OW doesn't know the OP is reading his texts.

basketweaver2012 Mon 18-Nov-13 09:51:54

Be aware as well that many people use phone apps like What's app and Viber now so no texts would ever show on a bill. Or if they have iPhones, iMessage does not show up.

JustAnotherFucker Mon 18-Nov-13 09:52:05

That's ok then shadow is it?

So long as it is just the OW seeking revenge, OP can rest easy in her marriage...

oh hang on... hmm

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 09:55:46

I wouldn't bother getting him to admit it.

They/HE sent hundreds of texts to her. She suggested they were overstepping the line ages ago. You have no reason to think she is the liar. You absolutely know that he is.

I would get a solicitor, find out your rights, confide in your family or friends and either accept your DH's mistress or separate.

TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 10:04:19

You've all confirmed what I knew.

Several times in the last couple of months he has mentioned requesting a move to a different office as he's getting 'fed up' of the office politics where he is at the moment, but his current office is 10 minutes from home and really convenient, a move would mean a bit of a commute so I've (stupidly) told him to ignore it. Perhaps he has been trying to get away from the situation? Moving offices would mean zero contact with OW. Or I am giving him the benefit of the doubt?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 10:09:36

He's gone to work in tears boohoo - no doubt hopes you'll be so moved by this you'll comfort him when his reassurance, remorse and effort to put things together again is very much needed by you.

He's had six months to job hunt elsewhere, to distance himself from OW. Six months to really put his back into rebuilding trust and re-commit to this marriage.

If he gave her a let's-stay-friends speech instead of a total brush off he was keeping that door open. For her to repeatedly ask him to leave you for her he must have been in close contact with her all this time.

I don't know what to suggest tbh but as far as wrecking a marriage he's been doing that ever since he started flirting with her.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 10:11:12

You have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for far too long, I am afraid.

Don't compound it even more by making his excuses for him.

He is running scared now. He will have rubbished you to the OW and now he is trying to do the same about her.

The best thing that both women in this situation can do is have a conversation without him there. That rarely happens, unfortunately, instead they are set against each other to compete for the Booby Prize (this cheating, snivelling coward)

I really hope you have more self respect than that

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 10:15:40

"you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side"

Do you not believe this is true? Do you think he sent 100s of texts to her- about work?

I'm sorry the only logical thing to believe is that he pursued her, led her to believe they had a future and slept with her.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 18-Nov-13 11:16:16

So sorry. Give yourself time to process this. You also need to show him how unacceptable this is. Ask him to leave. Doesn't have to be forever but he doesn't need to know that. Give him a shock. You are worth more than this.

flowers

TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 12:00:56

you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side

Do you not believe this is true? Do you think he sent 100s of texts to her- about work?

^^^

He never said the original texts were work related and admitted that he'd overstepped the 'friendship' line.

Of course I know he slept with her, he can't reason this away, I have it in black and white. Why would she lie, she doesn't know I read his texts. I believe that they did have an affair. After all these months of thinking that something had gone on and him denying it, it's a relief to finally know. It's turned me into a paranoid, suspicious, mistrusting person and this not who I am. He has made me this way by his actions and I am not at fault.

We will be talking tonight after DD has gone to bed and if I don't get what I feel is the truth, he'll be packing his bags. I still have my beautiful DD to think of and I don't want her being brought up in a home where she thinks this is normal and acceptable behaviour. He's fucked up big style and he knows it.

Sianilaa Mon 18-Nov-13 12:04:29

She said she was a "fuck on the side". They have clearly had a full-blown affair. He now has no girlfriend and potentially no wife either. Of course he was crying!

What you do from here is up to you, OP. but he is a liar and will now say anything to stop you chucking his sorry arse out.

daiseehope Mon 18-Nov-13 12:04:34

Time it sounds like you've made a great choice but so hard. I hope he is sensible enough to fess up xxxthanks

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 12:05:51

Sorry if I sounded brusque.

That sounds like a good plan. I hope he does know it - and I hope he realises before its too late that only by being honest can he hope to make it up to you. Good luck tonight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 12:08:26

You sound stronger than I suspect you feel. Just remember that, even if you get the 100% truth, you're under no obligation.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 18-Nov-13 12:13:31

Perhaps he wanted to move to a new office so he could get himself a new girlfriend now that the current one is no longer prepared to sleep with him?

He sounds like an inveterate shagger to me.

A decent man who had overstepped a boundary and was sorry would not have spent the last 6 months continuing to lie to you and continuing to try to get his leg over with the OW.

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