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advice needed separating ex getting nasty

(28 Posts)
AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou Mon 18-Nov-13 07:41:33

so we have finally decided to end it after a year of trying. we have 2 Dds aged 4 and 4 months.

He won't move out of the rented house until the day the rent is due so I cant apply for housing benefit until then (I am on mat leave and only worked part time so am on bare minimum money)

He is planning on moving back to his family home that I can only describe as a cess pit, dog poo on the floor mould in the fridge.(I do all the housework) so as you can imagine it is not suitable for children however my ex is saying he has got a solicitor he will be applying for joint custody which means we have to share the tax credits? (the is after bragging about how much money he will be saving by moving home)

he works shifts eg nights, early mornings, so if he wants joint custody will this go against him?

can someone please advise as he is getting nasty, would a social worker or health visitor go and inspect the house before?

he has banned any of my friends coming round to see me and slandering me all over facebook.

I am at a loss what to do.

any advice much appreciated

AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou Mon 18-Nov-13 07:49:41

he also won't be paying any maintenance and want me to give HIM money every month

SkinnybitchWannabe Mon 18-Nov-13 07:53:13

Hi. Sorry to read that your ex is being an arsehole.
Ive had no experience of what you are going through Im afraid, but I would think getting proper legal advice would be vital and as soon as possible.
Good luck with everything.

Lweji Mon 18-Nov-13 07:54:00

Get as much evidence of all you think is relevant as possible.
How has he banned your friends from going to see you? Is he threatening you? If that is the case, contact WA and the police DV section.
If not, why pay any attention to him?

I'd think that if you allegate that his house is not suitable that he'll have to show it is, or that someone will go and check it.

If he's slandering you all over facebook, you can also report him to the police or make a civil complaint. Starting with FB. See if this applies.

Lweji Mon 18-Nov-13 07:57:15

How hands on is he with the children?
Are you breastfeeding?

I don't think 50-50 would be given for a 4 month old, particularly if you are breastfeeding.

Yes, also get legal advice. If there is any domestic violence involved.
Check www.justice.gov.uk/legal-aid-for-private-family-matters/legal-aid-divorcing-separating-abusive-partner, because there are many forms of domestic violence and you may be entitled.

Lweji Mon 18-Nov-13 07:59:14

Ignore is threats. Report them, actually. And seek proper advice from the government, police, WA, solicitor.

Somehow I suspect he won't actually want 50-50 and is only threatening you with it.

AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou Mon 18-Nov-13 08:02:17

not breastfeeding but he works shifts eg 10pm - 6am so my question was who wI'll had kids then if they are his days? he said I will find someone don't you worry.

he has also refused to pay half to nursery costs and has banned my friends by saying he will "chuck them out" calling me a fat cunt (hate that word) and telling me to "go die" yes he is 32 yrs old I am 24 he isnt very mature.

AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou Mon 18-Nov-13 08:03:06

Will my health visitor be able to help?

Lweji Mon 18-Nov-13 08:05:24

You should report it, and your friends should go and see you. If he becomes abusive and throws them out, then they will be able to witness it in your favour.

I'd think he'll have to show the court he can find suitable care for the children. Again, I very much doubt he'll get 50-50 for a 4 month old, particularly if you are still on maternity leave and part-time.

If you get too scared, just leave or call the police.

Lweji Mon 18-Nov-13 08:05:56

Your HV might help, if you have talked to her about it.
She may also have experience of other cases.
Do talk to her.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 18-Nov-13 08:05:57

When I split with my ex, he threatened court, solicitors etc. wise, wise mumsnetters said not to panic. They said agree to 50/50 spilt and watch what happened. Of course he didn't bloody want 50/50!!! We've had months where I've been in the phone begging him to see them! Honestly, the mnetters had seen it all before. Its common for exes to threaten you where they know it'll hurt- the kids and access.

I bet he wouldn't go for 50/50 split. Did he do a lot of the childcare whilst you were together?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 18-Nov-13 08:09:19

Please don't panic. Let it all settle. He is angry/hurt and using spiteful words.

I very much doubt he'd get 50/50 care if a 4 month old.

This will be ok. I guarantee it'll all settle down and he'll take the access you offer. I remember a thread about contact with a newborn- the mother was there, it built up to longer periods of time etc. you don't have to just hand over your 4 month old if you're worried he can't care for him.

AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou Mon 18-Nov-13 08:14:24

he is a good Dad and does help with the kids. he wants them 3 and 4 days alternate.

I can't change tax credits till he has gone either and that will take up to 6 weeks.

I am going to ring my Health visitor today I just want to fast forward til this is all over its so stressful I just want him out.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Mon 18-Nov-13 08:18:49

As long as you are receiving the child benefit for both DC then you can go to the CSA and get maintenance via them. You'll also receive any tax credits by virtue of being the parent receiving CB and you are under no obligation to give him anything - he couldn't force you legally. The only thing he could try to do is claim the CB which could cause you problems. Make sure your DC have your address on school/GP records etc. so you can refer to that as evidence the DC live with you/you are entitled to receive the CB. If you can speak to your HV about your concerns over the state of the home he will be living in, they might be able to advise you on how to deal with/approach that. If you are genuinely concerned for your DC welfare in his care, you can refuse to send your DC. Just because your ex says what he thinks is going to happen, it doesn't follow that it will or has to happen. You need to take legal advice - just to see where you stand etc.

MsPavlichenko Mon 18-Nov-13 08:50:13

He is not a good dad if he call his children's mother a fat cunt, uses them to threaten her, and tries to isolate her from her friends.

Is this the sort of role model you want for your DC? A good Dad would want what is best for his children, and be prepared to work together with you to work out how to achieve this.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 18-Nov-13 08:56:01

He is saying he wants those terms of contact now. How is he going to have them looked after while he's at work? Where are they going to stay- he's staying at his family home you say. Would there be a spare room for them? Please don't panic. Get him out first. Claim all your entitled to and then see what happens.

One thing at a time. You can't deal with 'ifs and maybes'. Get all the advice you can but don't get stressed and anxious about things you can't control right now.

If you think of everything and all that might happen you'll get overwhelmed. One thing at a time, one day at a time.
flowers

mumsforjustice Mon 18-Nov-13 08:56:50

Mama is right - a lot of shit will fly about but will settle down.
But back off about not letting him see his children. Any decent dad would be angry and distaught at that kind of spite. Plus if you claim his house is unsuitable this will give him grounds for a new place in any financial settlement paid for jointly as courts will ensure he has a place to see them so this could bite your arse. Would be better to ask him to clean up in nice way !
As for 50 50 he won't get it (or want it probably) but try to be more constructive for your kids sake. You will be glad you did long term.
Seperating sucks and its very easy to get angry and upset and burn bridges with your kids other parents. So try not to lose the plot, easy and human as that is.
Also Relate have a good coparenting course that you should both go on (seperating parents course) and courts will sned you on it but you could self refer. Its free
Good luck op!.

mumsforjustice Mon 18-Nov-13 08:59:18

Mama is right - a lot of shit will fly about but will settle down.
But back off about not letting him see his children. Any decent dad would be angry and distaught at that kind of spite. Plus if you claim his house is unsuitable this will give him grounds for a new place in any financial settlement paid for jointly as courts will ensure he has a place to see them so this could bite your arse. Would be better to ask him to clean up in nice way !
As for 50 50 he won't get it (or want it probably) but try to be more constructive for your kids sake. You will be glad you did long term.
Seperating sucks and its very easy to get angry and upset and burn bridges with your kids other parents. So try not to lose the plot, easy and human as that is.
Also Relate have a good coparenting course that you should both go on (seperating parents course) and courts will sned you on it but you could self refer. Its free
Good luck op!.

nurseneedshelp Mon 18-Nov-13 09:04:30

What a fucking arsehole!

Stay calm, don't panic, sounds to me as though he's just trying his best to frightened you.

Get some legal advice, the first half hour is free and it will give you an idea of what you need to start doing and what you're entitled to.

The tax credits and child benefit is yours, contact the CSA and let them deal with maintenance, your entitled to it and will not lose any benefits by claiming it!

Talk to your HV and let her support you.

How does he stop your friends from coming round?
You need their support at the moment. ....

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Mon 18-Nov-13 09:10:40

mumsforjustice, the OP hasn't mentioned anywhere that she won't let her ex see the DC - where are you getting the 'spite' from in the OP's posts? I can certainly see spite & bitterness as well as abusive behaviour in how the ex has been described. And suggesting the OP makes no issue over the state of her ex's family home on the basis he'll get more money from the divorce settlement? You are basically telling the OP to disregard any welfare concerns for financial motives. hmm

mumsforjustice Mon 18-Nov-13 09:10:44

)es very good idea to get legal advice. Cab can help if you can't afford a lawyer.

"he is a good Dad and does help with the kids".

Really?!.

Please do not kid yourself that he is such, women in this type of situation as well usually write the "good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You have not written one single positive thing about him. Such men as well use the children and access as weapons to further spite their woman who has got the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

Being an abusive partner and a good dad are mutually exclusive. Being abusive to a child's mother makes the father a bad dad. It's so wrong the way we as a society separate fathering from abuse of the mother.
I advise you to tell your HV everything. As much evidence as you can muster will help.

mumsforjustice Mon 18-Nov-13 09:39:03

OP; good for you for recognising he's a good dad. But think about this from a good dads perspective; how would you feel is he stopped you seeing your children, for ANY reason, let alone your housekeeping is not good enough? I would be distraught, frantic and angry. And in court his will either seem like spiteful obstruction or if found to be true as the courts will expect both parents to have a home suitable for the kids to see them - and your opinion will be the evidence in court - he can claim support for a new home. This is the law regardless of whether it seems just!
I have a lot of sympathy for your situation but this is the situation and ops who placate you or egg you on to be vindicative and bitter is not in your or your childrens interest

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Mon 18-Nov-13 09:48:39

OP I'd suggest you get some proper legal advice and ignore the agenda being pushed by mumsforjustice. Anyone who thinks the welfare of DC should come second to the financial settlement in a divorce isn't 'child focused' at all. If you have genuine welfare concerns, get advice, get them documented and don't keep quiet to placate an abusive man.

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