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He's using my 5 yr old to emotionally blackmail me

(13 Posts)
kissitbetter2 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:03:25

I posted back in March under a different user name about my OH who I'd discovered had 2 sons he'd never told me about. Our relationship had crumbled due to financial pressures of multiple redundancies, maternity leave and his escalating marijuana habit. He also habitually lied and had become more and more distanced from the relationship and took responsibility for nothing to do with the family or managing the household.

It's been a nightmare 7 months but he's finally out of the house. I packed his stuff threw him out and changed the locks. I'd grown tired of his excuses as to why he hadn't even looked for anywhere to live. The only reason it's taken so long is because I was worried about the impact of the separation on my 5 yr old.

My ex thinks I'm being unreasonable for not giving him another chance. He's told me he's going to kill himself and he has told my child that he's leaving because Mummy doesn't want Daddy here anymore and Daddy hasn't got anywhere to live. When my DD crumpled into tears, he glared at me and said "I hope you're happy".

Apart from wanting some moral support - I'm facing a nasty few months I feel - I would be grateful for any guidance I can try and share with my ex about how to talk about separation to kids with minimal short term and long term impacts. I need to get through to him that this isn't about point scoring between adults but that doing it wrong has very real consequences for a child.

KellyHopter Mon 18-Nov-13 00:08:19

He knows perfectly well he's hurting her, he just doesn't give a fuck. He isn't saying this stuff by accident.

I don't know the logistics, though many here will, but emotional abuse is surely reason to go for supervised access.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 18-Nov-13 00:16:39

Stop contact unless it's at a contact centre.

kissitbetter2 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:19:48

You're right kellyhopter he isn't saying it by accident. I tried having the conversation with him about how we need to be united in what we say to DD to minimise the impact and reassure her in whatever way we could. He threatened to say what he eventually did.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Nov-13 00:25:45

He doesn't want you to minimise the impact, he wants you to give in and take him back. But you know that.

kissitbetter2 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:32:10

My DD begged me tonight to "think about it Mummy, having Daddy here all the time would just be so cool". If anything his despicable actions, threats and vindictiveness have completely justified my decision which I've lost months to in agonising over.

chubbleigh Mon 18-Nov-13 00:39:13

You're being too nice, nice and reasonable don't cut it when you are dealing with that kind of behaviour. Take a harder line, tell him if he speaks to her like that again or tries to manipulate her emotions or use her in anyway then you can all go to court and discuss what is acceptable there, and HE has got form for being a crap Dad.
Keep some notes of incidents, dates and what was said. Possibly a solicitors letter as a warning shot? You've got to mean it though.

kissitbetter2 Mon 18-Nov-13 11:38:33

Have got a solicitor's appt this pm and spoke to DD's school who offered to reinforce the reassuring tack. Ex says he didn't intend to hurt just to let DD know he was near. There is no end to his lies.

He has nowhere to live, he's at risk of losing his job and he's begging for me to help him. Would you?

qazxc Mon 18-Nov-13 11:42:30

No i would not help him. He is an adult and has to take responsibility for himself.

A one word answers suffices here; NO.

He's also using the child here as a weapon and he will never be reasonable towards you. He does not give a fig about his DD either. This is all being done by him as a further means of power and control (as is the suicide threat) against you. Its all being done to punish you for actually leaving him.

Take a much harder line with him as of now because he will up the control ante even more if you do not.

skyeskyeskye Mon 18-Nov-13 12:13:06

you could go to mediation to arrange access and to sort things out with the help of a neutral third party.

It is very wrong of him to say things like that to your DD and could cause long term damage. My XH chose to walk out suddenly, yet told DD that I had made him go.... she was just 4 at the time and still talks about it now 18 months later.

I don't see why you need to help him, he is an adult and quite capable of looking after himself.

Your main concern in all of this is your child. Record everything that he says to her in a notebook, so that if you need to stop contact at any point, then you can show exactly why you had to do so

Mediation is a bad idea in this instance due to the ongoing abuse. This man will never be at all reasonable as long as he is alive, also OP is dealing with someone who is inherently unreasonable and just wants his own way.

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