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Husband and female colleague - is this weird or ok?

(65 Posts)
curtainswitcher Sun 17-Nov-13 21:21:22

What level of contact are you happy for your partners to have with female friends/colleagues? I've been snooping in DHs Blackberry (I know nothing good ever comes of this) and now don't know if I'm being paranoid or have reason to worry as there seems to be a lot with one particular woman.

Over the last couple of weeks there are emails to her pretty much every working day - there's nothing particularly incriminating but very few are work related - more a mixture of 'how's your day, what you up to' type and what I consider flirtyish banter (sarcasm, playful insults to each other etc). His call history for the last week has a few 30 minute plus phone calls with her (during the day when he's at work/travelling) and there's reference in one of their emails to a pub lunch (I hadn't heard about this) and she also jokingly accused him of trying to get her drunk on a work night out last weekend (I did know about this)

We’ve been married for 10 years, have 2 DCs and as far as I'm aware things are ok between us. Does it sound like he's just emailing her as a friend when he's bored or do you think there is more to it?

I personally wouldn't be happy, 30 minute calls & pub lunches you know nothing about isn't good IMHO-sorry.

MajesticWhine Sun 17-Nov-13 21:28:30

Sorry, but I wouldn't like the sound of this at all and it would not be ok with me. A 30 minute call does not sound like a friend, more like a relationship. Unless it could be a work related call. Have you got any other suspicions? Does he stay away at all on "business" or such like?

The sarcastic emails etc is stuff I do with male colleagues and I'd also go out for lunch with just one male colleague too. However, I would tell dp about it and I wouldn't be phoning male colleagues (or female tbh). I think you are probably right to be a little bit suspicious, but you were wrong to be snooping on his phone - unless he has given you reason before to distrust him.

Mapleissweet Sun 17-Nov-13 21:31:39

What do you know about thus woman? Have you met her?

WinterBlondie83 Sun 17-Nov-13 21:33:04

Sorry to say but I wouldn't be happy either.
Long chats, frequent emails and texts that aren't work related!?

I think you need to talk to him about all this.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 17-Nov-13 21:36:40

This isn't ok in my opinion sad

Have you broached it with him?

skyeskyeskye Sun 17-Nov-13 21:48:58

sorry, but not OK in my opinion or experience, to exchange this level of contact with another woman if you are unaware of it. Even if it is innocent now, it could lead to more if not nipped in the bud.

I think that you need to discuss it with your H and see what his reaction is. If he gets defensive about it, then it means that he knows it is wrong

Doozle06 Sun 17-Nov-13 21:52:44

There's every chance it's perfectly innocent. I have this type of relationship with a few male colleagues.
There's also a chance it's not. My now exDH had a female friend at work. Only became apparent to me that they were more than just friends when he got her pregnant.
Only one way to find out, and that's to ask him. But - if you've been snooping on his phone, I'm not sure you'll get anything other than a defensive attitude, regardless of the actual situation.

Mollydoggerson Sun 17-Nov-13 21:53:07

whether they are physically doing anything is impossible to know, but I think that level of intimacy is crossing boundaries.

curtainswitcher Sun 17-Nov-13 21:53:29

I said that there were a lot of messages from her and asked why he hadn't told me about the lunch and he just down played both and said he sent loads of emails to everyone and doesn't normally tell me who he goes to lunch with so didn't think it was any different

I met her very quickly at last years Christmas do but she had only just started and didn't seem to have much to do with dh then. He hardly mentions her so don't know anything about her (don't know if she's married/dating etc). She looked younger than us

curtainswitcher Sun 17-Nov-13 21:55:47

Sorry missed those last few - he was a little defensive when I asked him although what he said about emailing everyone a lot and not normally talking about who he's with is true. I didn't really mean to snoop - was looking for an email i'd sent him and then saw how many there were from her and couldn't help but look more.

skyeskyeskye Sun 17-Nov-13 22:17:56

keep an eye on what happens next. if he starts to delete the texts and emails then he is trying to hide it from you. a genuine friendship would be open and he would be honest with you about it.

Whatnext074 Sun 17-Nov-13 22:22:12

It's not okay in my experience. The fact that you feel uncomfortable about it too should be enough for your DH to understand how this is making you feel.

He might be a little defensive and playing it down because there is nothing more sinister going on but, you don't feel okay about it so he should respect that.

Did you have reason to snoop in the first place?

Mapleissweet Sun 17-Nov-13 22:27:46

Seems too friendly really. Who instigates most of the conversation? How does your dh respond to the flirty banter?

KatOD Sun 17-Nov-13 22:31:55

I think I'm with Doozle06. It could be innocent, I work in a male dominated environment and I have work relationships with certain members of my team that require this level of interaction, it can be stressful so the banter helps us all keep going. Similarly my DH has close female friends at work that he goes to lunch with etc etc, an I trust him completely.

That said, I have no idea what environment your oh works in or whether anything else has given you cause for concern. Maybe have a bit of a think about why you wanted to check this when you were on his phone? May help you figure out if there's more to it that's setting your spidey sense tingling?

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sun 17-Nov-13 22:32:11

Sorry, I had exactly the same with my dp and then found out he had been having an affair with her. We have split up because of this.

Fairenuff Sun 17-Nov-13 22:40:04

he just down played both and said he sent loads of emails to everyone and doesn't normally tell me who he goes to lunch with so didn't think it was any different

Ok, so does he send 'loads of emails to everyone'? Ask to look on his phone again and see. Who else has he been emailing every day. Who else has he been to lunch with?

coppertop Sun 17-Nov-13 23:05:58

If they're already e-mailing each other every working day, and have been to the pub together, what on earth do they have to talk about that requires a couple of hours worth of phone calls in a single week?

Presumably there just aren't enough hours in the week for him to be having this level of contact with "everyone", so why this particular person?

curtainswitcher Sun 17-Nov-13 23:28:44

They both initiate them but if anything it's dh who is more flirty and sometimes she just ignores it

coppertop - I don't know what the calls are about - I assume work but although she's part of his team she's not the main person he needs to work with so don't know why they'd need to be so long.

Fairenuff - there are lots of emails to other people yes but not every day like her and not as many. I'm pretty sure he doesn't do one on one pub lunches very often

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sun 17-Nov-13 23:31:53

that sounds dodgy to me, sorry

"flirty" you say

isn't he married to you ?

if so, why is he flirting with OW

you are not one of those sappy "cool wives" are you ?

debtherat Mon 18-Nov-13 04:04:09

Think he is probably using her as an ego boost and maybe, she is relatively young, makes her feel more secure at work but it is all wrong, detracts from your relationship. Does he text you, speak to you about you not kids, insurance, dentist? Does he flirt with you? He's getting his kicks from her - with mobile phones it's all so immediate, reactive, young and sexy! And harmless is what he might say but it's not and neiher is the old fashioned lunch thing! Most relationships like this, man is interested in more (there is a sexual charge)... tell him you are not happy with his behaviour and to refocus on you and DS.

Cutteduppumpkin Mon 18-Nov-13 04:24:41

I work in a stressful, male dominated profession and have 3 or 4 male colleagues that I regularly have 30 minute calls with just to download onto.
However we don't go out to lunch and none of our mails are flirty, I know their wives and they know my husband.

KatOD Mon 18-Nov-13 06:16:04

Hmmm, on reflection with the flirting etc does sound like a bit of an ego boost for him like a pp suggested.

Maybe ask him if he'd be happy with you behaving in this way?

Fairenuff Mon 18-Nov-13 08:17:22

You don't need his permission to validate your feelings. Tell him that this particular friendship is uncomfortable to you. Tell him that you want him to back off, no more lunches and no more flirting. You do not want him in contact with her any more than he is with any other colleague. That is a perfectly reasonable request.

If he respects you and the colleague is of no particular importance to him, he will agree.

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