Just broken

[Jellycat43]

Hello,

I have read so many threads on here about affairs, infidelity, separation & divorce & even though everyone says it will get better & you will get stronger I am just falling apart & feel so low & can not snap out of this horrific sadness.

I have been with my DH for 23 years, married for 20 & have 2 children aged 20 & 17.

We have had marriage problems now for a few years & he did have an affair 5 years ago. I thought we'd worked through it & we were stronger than ever. I have strong moral values & I honestly thought I'd married for life. I loved him so much & yes I still do.

Anyway we've had problems again for approx 18 months & I have worked so so hard to get it back on track. I'll try & explain without rambling on as it is long winded.

DH has been saying all this time that he loves me, wants to be married, fancies me but the guilt of the affair has made him struggle with life. He has moved out on several occasions to go to his mums & clear his head
, all the time saying 'I love you so much' etc etc. I thought maybe he was depressed & so managed to talk him into going to the doctors & he was referred for counselling. The counsellor then referred him to a psychologist. This seemed to help him with the guilt & he'd come home & we'd have weeks where our old life would return & We would be so happy.

Then in April he moved out again. He said he was living a lie & although there was no one else involved he said the guilt of the affair was destroying him & he felt I deserved to be with someone better. He was gone for 6 weeks & in that time he continued with the psychologist & in time my old DH returned. It was like a light switch had been flicked & he became positive about our future & he couldn't apologise enough for his behaviour. I was ecstatic.

Then in mid June he said he wanted to go away for the weekend with the lads. Money was tight & it has been my birthday a week before & I had wanted to go away but he had said no we can't afford it. I reminded him of this & he flipped & said I was unreasonable & he couldn't live like this. The kids were aware of his request to go away & told him some home truths, saying he treats us like shit, keeps moving out, makes the home unhappy etc & he did his same old trick..... Moved out.

We didn't see him for 6 weeks. I was still receiving texts saying 'I miss you, love you, don't let this be over" etc. I asked him if there was anyone else & he rolled off his normal response that nobody ever believes him & he would never hurt us again.

So then at end of July we met up & we talked for hours. We both said that we didn't want to be divorced & we loved each other but living together wasn't working. So we would strip it all right back, go to relate & do everything to make it work. We had a brilliant 3 weeks- days out with the kids, cinema, meals etc.

Then in August his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer & it seemed to set him back again. He decided he couldn't cope with his mum being ill & his marriage problems & he wanted to cool it off again. 12 weeks ago he said ' I'm not leaving you, I love you so much & I'll ring you". He went to visit his mum in hospital & we haven't seen him since.

I have tried to talk to him, he will send me a text back but I haven't spoke to him. He has sent me the odd text saying ' I miss you, I love you' but not much more. He has not bothered seeing the kids. He sends them a text now & again & he didn't been send my DS a Birthday card or buy him anything on his birthday a few weeks ago.

Last Sunday my DD horrifically discovered on Facebook & twitter that he is living with Another woman. We had no idea. We had no idea he was even on fb! My DD then had the awful job of telling me everything when I came in from work. Our world has fell apart.

I feel so stupid for not seeing what was going on under my nose. I'm not a stupid person, I'm intelligent, kind hearted & know that he took advantage of that.

This woman is rubbing our noses in it by tweeting him lovey messages, she knows my DC's are on there too. I have had no contact with DH but my DD has. She rang him & confronted him & he's continuing with the lies .... I met her on fb, she's just a friend.

I'm in such a mess & don't know where to begin. The DC's are struggling, particularly my DD as she feels such guilt for discovering what he's been doing.

Help x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry he's been so dishonest and that you've had such a nasty surprise. If you don't know where to begin the best thing to do is nothing drastic. He's not living with you (if I read that right) which is a bonus so simply drop the contact and take the time to be with yourself and the people that genuinely do love you. Friends, family and so on. Reassure your DD that it's not her fault her father is an irresponsible arse. Reassure yourself that you've not been stupid, just rather too trusting in assuming other people operate the same standards as yourself. When you feel a little stronger, talk to a solicitor. Good luck

[TimidLivid]

How awful for you and your chidren, the only good thing that will come of this is now you fully understand and so do the children and hopefully you can get closure and he won't be able to torture you all by leaving and returning on a whim. Its so bad for your daughter to have her Dad exposed as such a dishonest person and have to be the one to tell you but this is not your fault. I don't understand why he is still lying but it must be that he likes living a double life and does not want to lose the option of returning and you trying so hard to make it work. I guess you need to no longer have any contact with him unless it it regarding the children who are now old enough to decide whether to see him or not. He may have just lost everything and does not seem to be wanting to belive the game is up. I hope as time passes you feel better. You will be okay its been twelve weeks and the world didn't stop. But its horrible news and must be devastating

[Jellycat43]

Thank you Cog, I think I've been in shock all week & my mind is working over time. Everything is falling into place - he would come back to us if she was on holiday abroad & it looks like she has not long left her husband. Presumably he was keeping his options open. I can not accept/believe how cruel he has been to us. And to allow us to think he had depression. He promised he would call my DD to meet her last Wednesday but he didn't phone her. He's a coward, I know that. I feel like I'm walking through mud & I can't eat, sleep or function properly. I hate feeling like this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh yeah... 'depression'. I get called all sorts of names on here because I have an innate suspicion of anyone who attributes crappy and cruel behaviour to 'depression'... but it's used too often IME.

Do you have people you can be with? Does anyone else know the truth yet?

[Jellycat43]

Tim, thank you. He text me approx 6 weeks ago saying I miss you so much. That gave me hope. I text him back saying do I need to see a solicitor & he said he didn't want to be divorced from me. Cruel, cruel man.

[Jellycat43]

I know now why he struggled with life. It must be a bloody nightmare leading a double one!!

My family know & are being brilliant. I wish I could just get rid of this pain I'm in & be happy. 23 years of my life with someone I love(d) so much just gone. I'm finding it so hard to accept. I wish I wasn't so weak

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What he wants is immaterial now. You take top priority. What you actually want - a happy marriage with a faithful man - is not possible any more, so you have to take whatever steps are necessary to do what is possible to achieve a good life without him. Very difficult when you feel the way you do now, admittedly.

[mcmoonfucker]

Ewwwwww what a disgusting pig he is.
He doesn't want a divorce ? Fuck that....get your appointment booked tomorrow and please stop any contact with this worm.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... the weak person in all this is not the one who has invested a lot in a relationship and is now having to deal with the fall-out, reassure the DCs and contemplate a completely different life. The weak person is the one that didn't have the guts to be honest and who, even now, is lying and letting people down. I wonder if his girlfriend knows he runs home to play Happy Families when she's out of town? Appalling man.

[Jellycat43]

I'm not in contact with him & haven't been for about 5 weeks now. I know my marriage is over but why can't I accept it? That question even seems contradictory. I know the kids & I deserve better. I'm just so heartbroken that this has ended.

[Jellycat43]

I would love to contact her for no other reason than making myself feel better. BUT, my wise mum keeps saying rise above it & hold your head high. DD has done some digging & he's been lying to her too. I want to make his life hell!!

[fuzzywuzzy]

Jellycat, speak to a solicitor as soon as possible ensure he can't screw you over financially.

I honestly would not trust him as far as I could throw him, he's only looking out for himself.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

You poor love. What a total shit he is. Well, his sordid little game is over now and this woman is welcome to the lying bastard.

Your reaction is absolutely understandable and normal: not sleeping, not eating, walking through mud etc. But these hideous emotions and the physical pain will pass. I promise.

You must be tremendously strong, not to mention extraordinarily patient and loving, to have let him go and taken him back so many times. This alone would have destroyed many spouses. You need to summon up all that strength now and put an end to this awful charade.

In your shoes (I have walked in your shoes) I would make some bold and positive moves. Starting tomorrow.

See a solicitor and petition for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
What is the financial situation? Do you have joint savings? A joint mortgage or tenancy? Who is currently paying the bills?
If you don't have one, set up a sole account and put any savings or spare money into that.
If you own the house, get it valued.

By taking some bold steps you can start getting some sense of control back into your life.

Try to eat a little and often.

Visit your doctor for some sleeping meds or anti-depressants.

Tell EVERYONE what he's been doing, rally your friends and family and reach out for support. Any shame is all his, not yours. All you are guilty of, is believing him, and showing the gutless pig love and understanding.

This husband of yours has betrayed you in the worst possible way. He is a consummate coward, a pathological liar and an entitled c*.

Have a stiff drink and make a list this afternoon of all that you are going to set in motion from 9am tomorrow morning.

Hugs

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

After 20+ years it's very difficult to switch from 'on' to 'off'. It takes time to process the information, accept the change and adjust. Grief is not a straight-line thing. Denial... anger... bargaining... depression... acceptance. You'll be experiencing all of those on a repeating cycle until you get to 'acceptance'. That can take a long time and all you can do in the meantime is try to divert yourself by staying busy, talking to those who will listen and, if necessary, seeking medical support

[Jellycat43]

Wow I am sobbing. This is all real isn't it?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I wouldn't normally recommend this but, seeing as they are all so palsy-walsy on Facebook - which IMHO is like conducting an affair via billboard - it really wouldn't be out of line to post something on his timeline, not vitriolic or spiteful, but which would make it clear that he had been two-timing everyone.... I'm sure you're clever enough to think of something subtle but damning. :)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It is very real... I'm so sorry. Crying is probably a good thing in the circumstances. Sounds like you've been putting on a brave face for five years already, maybe longer, and that will have been a terrible strain. When you get past the crying and into 'anger' you'll be on the path to recovery.

[Morgause]

As it's all so "open" if DD wants to post a comment then why not? Or even you? No reason for the OW not to know he's a lying cunt, is there?

[Jellycat43]

I'm not on Facebook. Would you like to do it for me? ;)

[HeartVHead]

Such appalling behaviour. Your poor kids (and you obviously). You are right, he has taken advantage of your good nature, shame on him (not you)!!!!

You forgave him once but, really, this time takes the biscuit - no? He doesnt want to get divorced because basically he doesn't have the courage of his convictions and wants to have his cake and eat it. You deserve so much better than this.

[FairPhyllis]

I couldn't read this and not post. This is like a bereavement process because you have to accept that the person you were in love with and had a good marriage with doesn't exist anymore. There may be a person walking around who looks and sounds like him, but you have to understand that you can't get the person you knew back.

He, by the way, has failed in every way as a parent and as a decent human being. He should never have put your daughter in the position of having to give you that news.

He is so selfish and entitled he actually thinks he might be able to keep you hanging on, or divorce on his terms when he bloody well feels like it. Please prove him wrong, see a solicitor and start protecting you and your children financially.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Take screen shots of the tweets and fb messages on her timeline and use them as your evidence fro unreasonable behaviour. I'd name her on the divorce paperas actually you have evidence.

[Lweji]

TBH, in this grieving process you should analyse why you kept allowing him to go off and coming back.

My guess is he's doing something similar to the other woman.

His going away then returning keeps him away from his responsibility on your marital problems, and keeps it exciting for him.

In your DD's place I'd be raging, probably more than if I was the wife. As a wife, I'd remove myself from his life gracefully. As his DD I'd probably let all hell get loose.

[maparole]

The level of betrayal you have suffered is breathtaking. I was 12 years with a FW who was abusive in every way possible way, but nothing he ever did to me was as outright inhuman as this.

You have not been "stupid": you have been caring and decent towards a pond-life who doesn't deserve the right to call himself a person at all. I once knew someone who was badly ripped off by a man he thought was his friend. He was berating himself as to why he had not seen it coming and his wife said: "because you are not the sort of person to look for the bad in people".

Do not blame yourself: forget worrying about him and look after yourself and your DCs. Let your emotions run their natural course and give yourself time to deal with the shock and the grief of it all.

[Diagonally]

Sorry to be harsh jelly when you are in so much pain but it is more than likely the reason he has been avoiding divorce is for financial reasons.

It sounds like he thought he could get away with starting a new life but throwing you the odd line and glimmer of hope just to stop you from formalising the split and dividing your assets.

The yoyoing back and forth is also a kind of emotional abuse. You've had to live with the threat of abandonment for a long time and it's very damaging.

Do have a read of the Chumplady website, it's very down to earth and helpful in understanding the motivations of an (unrepentant) cheater.

Please do also see a solicitor as soon as possible.