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I just feel so stupid. (Toxic MIL related)

(50 Posts)
MommyBird Sun 17-Nov-13 07:56:55

I'm here again.

I have posted a fair few times about my MIL.
We have been NC for about 3 months. We explained we wanted somesort of closure from her. An apology, accept responserbility...nothing.

DH and I was getting married in December, however we've had a re-think and we have booked a date in April grin
we was in two minds wheather to invite her or not. We decided against it but we both wanted the chance for MIL to build some bridges so we gave her a 'nudge.' stupid i know.

So after NC for 3 months, we texted and told her about the date, that we was hoping by then she would of understood our reasons etc...she then asked what 'we' had done wrong and she wanted us to explain (this is the 2nd time now, we have explained and still no apology!) so DH sent a long heartfelt message about her actions, how she allways makes us feel guilty, she lets DD1 down (has only met DD2 twice!). and lots of other things...no reply...an hour later she asks 'what happends now'...completley ingored the previous message.

We was both pretty angry so we left it.
She messaged yesterday saying we had told her about the wedding and she asked what happens now and we havn't replied.

She has again, completley ignored our message. Any nornal person would say sorry? Maybe say she hadn't realised what she waa dpin? Things will change from now on? But nothing. Completley fobbed us off sad

Its been 3 months. If we didnt text her about the wedding DH has said she wouldnt of bothered to message us at all and the 'fued' would go on for months.
Im shocked at the lack of human emotion from her. She has made no effort, we messaged her and without her doing anything she expects things to go back to normal. I feel so utterly stupid for thinking again, she would change.

Do we reply to her message? Is there a point? She never listens. Shall we just ignore? I've told DH that i have washed my hands off her, never again. I actually feel ready for NC because we have tried, hell will freeze over before i beg for an apology.

MommyBird Mon 18-Nov-13 07:53:35

And I think she's coming to the wedding sad

FannyFifer Mon 18-Nov-13 08:01:19

No, no she's not coming to your wedding. You cannot possibly have that woman there.

MommyBird Mon 18-Nov-13 08:07:47

She has completley lied and fobbed DH off with this 'lovely' text. If it was the first time then i'd be a little more understanding, but she does it EVERY single time we have fell out. its blackmail and guilt wrapped up with a nice little bow.

He's said if i dont want to see her how is she going to come to our house and see the kids!

Hes brainwashed surely?!

Morgause Mon 18-Nov-13 08:11:34

He isn't brainwashed. She's his mother and despite everything he loves her.

Make it clear to him that you have decided you can't deal with her any more but if he want to it's his choice. Making him choose will not go well for you - you'll look like the bad guy.

Jux Mon 18-Nov-13 08:19:25

She's his mum. He's grown up with her and she represents his 'normal'. Tbh, he's come a long way in that he has gone NC with her for some time, but he has spent his entire childhood with her. It will be really hard for him to understand that her behaviour is unacceptable.

My MIL was an emotional blackmailer. The extent to which dh was sucked in to believe that what she did was normal was incredible. Her behaviour is still affecting us but entirely indirectly. Latest incident didn't involve her at all, but was as a result of SIL's emotional blackmail, for which he fell hook line and sinker. The ramifications have me thinking really, really hard about whether I can continue to live with him at all, or at any rate how much longer I can bear to have my life turned upside down by his reactions to his relations.

You have your work cut out. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Jux Mon 18-Nov-13 08:20:08

And good luck thanks

She will come to the wedding btw.

Hissy Mon 18-Nov-13 08:38:20

You and your H2B are expecting someone to be different to every other single time either of you have ever had any contact or anything to do with her.

Einstein said 'The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'

So stop it! smile

Move the wedding, don't invite her. Stop looking for her approval, apology, being anice personn it's not going to heppen.

The line about seeing her GD is bollocks, she is just saying that to get your OH to come back to her for more of the same.

Trust your instincts on this, it won't change. She only cares about herself.

Hissy Mon 18-Nov-13 08:40:25

Oh and yes, you're right, he IS brainwashed.

Conditioned to take her treatment of him, over and over and go back for more.

She's not a healthy person to have in anyone's life. Get the toxic parents/inlaws books and be determined.

MommyBird Mon 18-Nov-13 08:46:15

Its so lovely and reasuring to hear off other people, you lot have made things very straight forward for me and i cannot thank you enough thanks

She talks complete crap. Theres been a few messages here and there and its just rubbish. Everything is rubbish. She lied about the smoking again (the doctor told me, her or a trainned doctor? Hmmm) said she isnt accepting all of the blame (what a shock!)

arghhh!!!

MommyBird Mon 18-Nov-13 08:59:13

And i know shes his mom, i would never ask him to choose. it just feels like after everything she's done, he' just forgiven it too quickly. She's hurt us all as a family.

Hissy Mon 18-Nov-13 09:04:03

You don't have to tell him to choose, but you DO have to protect your DC. He has to understand and respect that.

Hissy Mon 18-Nov-13 09:05:19

He's 'forgiven' because the idea of standing up to her terrifies him, to his very core. That's very hard to overcome.

Your Dh is still very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother. There is a lifetime of her conditioning that needs to be overcome and that is a long and difficult process. He may never be able to completely recover from the damaging legacy his mother has left him and he may well keep going back for more from her because on some level he still hopes that she will change.

Honestly MommyBird the best thing you can do for yourself is to protect you and your children. You can't help your future DH but you can certainly help your own self and by turn your children. Maintaining higher, firm and consistent boundaries is the way to go here.

Your DH could well do with reading this link as well because he is selling his own self as well as you all short here:-

www.artofmanliness.com/2011/01/12/blow-up-your-relationship-with-your-mother-and-get-one-step-closer-to-being-the-man-you-want-to-be/

MommyBird Mon 18-Nov-13 09:34:09

It's the most, annoying situation to be in. I was sucked in for a good few years and was pandering to her. I had PND and she took full advantage of that.
I can see everything so well. I wasn't listening to my gut instinct and it was right everytime. Hell i ended up seeing a counseller because of her! My anxiety was made worse by her. She is very clever and manipulates everyone.

Im not having anything to do with her and neither are my kids. She isnt messing their heads up.
Im so worried about the future. She will get into his head and blame me.

Meerka Mon 18-Nov-13 09:51:31

As attilla has said in the past, and more and more I see what she means - if she's too toxic for you, she's too toxic for your children. They don't have the perception or judgement or observation of adults and she can affect and warp them.

This makes things even more difficult with your husband who may be simply unable to stop her seeing them. It will come down to you. You are in a very difficult position, but at least he did go NC for a time. I hope he can get to that point again.

wishing you strength

MommyBird Mon 18-Nov-13 10:00:31

I will do everything in my power to protect my daughters. She will never see them untill she has a personality transplant.
DD1 is at that age where she understands things, she is so young and im worrying about what she will do to her emotionally.

I wouldnt trust her to look after my handbag let alone my babies.

Im thinking of writing a letter to DH explaining everything. When we talk we end up arguing.

im really not looking forward to the future.

Hissy Mon 18-Nov-13 14:18:39

This is tough for your DH, so tread slowly and carefully. Tell him that you love him and that you love your children and want the best for ALL of you.

See if he would read the Toxic PArents book? He needs to know that it's OK not to like your mum if she treats you badly.

And she does treat him badly.

Jux Mon 18-Nov-13 19:03:38

she does treat him badly. I second that. She has been treating him badly for such a long time too, it will be incredibly hard for him to see it, to get his head round it. You will need to be patietnt with him, as far as is possible without it harming your children.

He would probably see it if it were pointed out to him, the way her words are used and what actions they are followed by, how things get twisted and so on, but it will take a bit of time, and he may find it next to impossible to actually cut contact with her completely.

Do you think a realistic goal at first would be for him to see the dissonance between her words and her actions, to remind him of why he cut contact for so long before? and then to move on - slowly, slowly, to how harmful that would be to young children.

You won't achieve anything by blundering about (I sure you wouldn't though), but read the book, get yourself informed first, and then tackle him.

MommyBird Mon 18-Nov-13 20:45:23

Jux you have hit the nail on the head there, she's very good at twisting things to suit her. She promises/say things then never follows up.

Its very annoying. I can see it all crystal clear, can read her like a book. He already knows what she's like and has said he's so used to her actions he goes along with it, never argues and hates confrontation.
He just keeps going back for more.

Jux Mon 18-Nov-13 23:30:55

So you're half-way there!

All (all!!hmm) you need to do is point out to him how damaging it can be for all the rest of you. Though I still urge a little caution to you.

Have you got/read the book? As he's already aware, it will be a bit easier to get him to read it, and to talk about it. You'll need to be very non-confrontational, so he doesn't feel got at or pushed - remember his mum does that, so it won't really help if he feels that you do too.

I wish you the very best of luck. It is so sad that these people spoil their own lives without them spoiling other's on top.

MommyBird Tue 19-Nov-13 07:57:21

I wrote him a letter and explained everything and why I want NC with her and why I don't want the girls to see her. I used this thread for quotes. It was 4 pages long blush

He hasn't said anything about it, he just keeps kissing me and telling me he loves me. I don't want to push it.

She doesn't see any side of 'her' family. She has told me bascially it was all them and not her, it never hit me that it might of been her...now i know it was!
She doesn't seem bothered.

She has lost her grandchildren because of her behaviour. This our fault. She wont accept its her and her alone.
I would love to tell her how i feel about her, what she has done etc. but its pointless, i know thid now and she'll never change and thats the bit thats hard to accept.

Morgause Tue 19-Nov-13 08:01:25

Don't push it, Mommy. You've had your say and he knows how you feel.

If he wants to see her that's up to him, he knows you won't.

MommyBird Tue 19-Nov-13 10:41:42

DH had told me that he can't go and see his mom/ keep seeing her if she will never see the kids, as she'll ask about seeing them all the time and it'll really stress him out.

Ive told him that says alot about her and not me.

sad

Hissy Tue 19-Nov-13 14:43:53

Your H needs to just sit and absorb what you have said to him, tell him that he will be OK. If he doesn't want to see her, he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to go through that pressure if he doesn't want to.

The fear he is feeling now is not his big hairy adult fear, it's the fear she drove into him as a little boy. It feels all engulfing for that reason.

If he just sits and breathes through it, talks through with you the reasons why he doesn't want to see her or have the kids have contact with her, it will get easier in time.

If all he can do is remember 'If she is too toxic for me to deal with, she's too toxic for my kids. If she is too toxic for my kids, then that's good enough for me to make the choice I need to' it will help him stay focussed.

This is like giving up any other harmful addiction. Takes will power and determination, but the rewards are there. health and happiness will be there at the end of this.

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