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Husband just admitted cheating. What now?

(74 Posts)
BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 07:54:41

Early hours of Saturday my husband came in, admitted he's been cheating on me on and off over the last two years. We have two kids a toddler and a baby. We live oversees so no family around us and a few friends. He's been lying to us all. I don't want this for my kids, but I don't know how to try to work it out.
Am I weak and giving a bad example to kids if I don't walk away.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Nov-13 12:03:07

Whereabouts are you? Are you able to leave? I wouldn't be able to stay after that. I also wouldn't want him living with a woman like that and having the children on access visits.

Given a free choice, which country would you prefer to live in, if you were living without him?

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:01:30

Thanks Auntie Stella. Just what I needed to hear.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 13:09:43

I want him here to help me deal with it, but I see your point about time apart.

He is not your friend right now. He will have his own interests, reputation etc at heart and not yours or the kids. Much as you may want him to be there for you, he isn't.

Time apart is always recommended on here. It gives you the space and time to think about what you want and need right now, without his tears/begging/blame whatever. Also, it gives him a taste of what life would be like without you. Would focus his mind on fighting for your relationship and earning your trust back. If that's what he wants to try for.

As has already said, you can not control his behaviour. I certainly wouldn't want to try to keep a man who'd rather be with someone else. She'd be welcome to him.

RaspberryRuffle Sun 17-Nov-13 13:14:09

You've just had a massive horrible shock.
Is there anyone at all back home you can talk to on the phone? An old trusted friend? Family member?
I'd probably ask him to stay in a hotel for the time being. You need space and it's up to you how you ultimately decide to act, but he needs a reality check and to see how serious this is.
Aside from disrespecting you and your family unit for 2 years he only told you when he was going to get caught out, and he woke you in the night to tell you.
Is your DH from the country you live in or have you both moved there?

headlesslambrini Sun 17-Nov-13 13:15:18

If I was you then I would book a flight and come home to be with your family at least for a few weeks, to give you the space from him, the support you need and just some time to think things through.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:21:46

Thanks ladies.
To clarify, we live in Far East. Family and friends in Uk.
We moved here together. There's no way he would try to stop me from leaving or take my DC.
My first instinct is always to run home, but I think it will be impossible to make objective decisions from there.
I am trying to pluck up courage to talk to someone, but it's all so embarrassing.
He thinks I won't need STI tests since he hasn't slept with me since he had his last test, after the first time...,apparently he wouldn't have wanted to put me at risk.....
Also, silly man thinks wearing a condom is enough protection.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:23:06

He doesn't fancy me since I've had the kids since I've lost all other interests, got a bit fat, not made him feel special....

GreenShadow Sun 17-Nov-13 13:23:50

I personally don't think it needs to be a deal breaker, but will mean massive changes in your relationship and will obviously depend on him making big changes if he wants to stay.
Personnally, I don't think I could ever sleep with someone who had done this, but I could probably maintain a relationship outside sex. Whether a man could accept this (without running off to prostitutes again) depends on the individual.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:24:02

So he doesn't want to have sex with me and therefore he can honorably protect me from STI's.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:24:44

So he doesn't want to have sex with me and therefore he can honorably protect me from STI's.

tummybummer Sun 17-Nov-13 13:28:06

I think he sounds vile in every possible way. I have no idea why you'd want to stay with someone who doesn't love, respect or fancy you. If you're lonely there are plenty of people back home in the UK to make friends with. You only get one shot at life, and he is currently shitting all over yours.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 13:31:02

I think you need to make two separate lists. What he wants (so you know what's on offer) and what you want. Is this right,

Him
A non-sexual relationship with you because you don't make him feel special .
A non-sexual relationship with you because then he can have sex with other people and not risk infecting you(!).
A non-sexual relationship with you because you do his laundry and keep a nice home for him to come back to(?)

You

?

LIZS Sun 17-Nov-13 13:31:15

He talks bollocks doesn't he angry. Just because one screening was clear doesn't mean he has protected you sadly. It obviously hasn't been that important to him to do so if eh ash been caught out now.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 13:31:56

I would follow your instincts and go home. I know you've had a massive shock but I dont believe being around him, listening to him, justify buying women for sex will do you any good at all.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sun 17-Nov-13 13:32:15

He doesn't fancy me since I've had the kids since I've lost all other interests, got a bit fat, not made him feel special....

Theres a few stone of dead weight you can lose right there!!!!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 13:33:44

Btw, this is not your embarrassment it is all his.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:38:31

Just had a conversation where I pointed out that his "friend" is working him over. Reminded him about STI's ( I used to teach sex ed to secondary schools, so know my stuff here) and feel marginally better about myself.
Phew. Hope I can sleep a bit better tonight. Realmy just needed to unload.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:39:08

Just had a conversation where I pointed out that his "friend" is working him over. Reminded him about STI's ( I used to teach sex ed to secondary schools, so know my stuff here) and feel marginally better about myself.
Phew. Hope I can sleep a bit better tonight. Realmy just needed to unload.

Catchhimatwhat Sun 17-Nov-13 13:42:20

Go home. Really. Go back to the Uk.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 13:43:08

Just had a conversation where I pointed out that his "friend" is working him over.

What do you mean by this?

It sounds to me as though he's not confessed and begged for the chance to earn your trust, love and respect back. It sounds as though he's salved his conscience sand wants this to continue pretty much as they are but without the inconvenience of doing things behind your back. Are you not furious and heart-broken by this?

I hope you can manage to get some peaceful rest tonight.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 13:55:03

I hope you are ok bk.

Your husband is an absolute scumbag.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 17-Nov-13 14:01:07

You are in the far east?

The consent issue with prostitution is always dodgy, since you are are effectively using money to coerce consent.

But in the far east you are often talking about women who were trafficked, who were pushed into prostitution because of lack of money, who have been doing since they were children, who still are children.

This is a guy whose sex life consists of raping women on a regular basis.

I'm not sure what you need to be thinking about.

I mean, he's just vile.

Why would you even consider letting a man like this live in your home?

Do you have a daughter?

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 14:10:01

Vivacia, i dont think op does his laundry.Remember, they are in far east and they have. 'help'.

Op are you happy to be in a marriage with no sex, a man who 'doesnt fancy you', who sleeps with prostitues and in a country with no friends and family?
Why? Would it be so bad to come to uk, find your dignity, see your friends, get a normal job with normal pay and tax, live like the rest of us with no maid? Honestly is not that bad. The life you now have sounds hideous to me.
And you dont even sound angry, you sound more concerned about keeping him.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 14:12:34

Not much help but I'd see paying for sex as just about sex (not to diminish the hurt that would cause) and far less hurtful than having an emotional affair. Tbh though, either would be a deal breaker because he'd have broken a promise, put his wants before my needs, and I could never trust him again. I couldn't live like that no matter how much I loved him.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 14:17:46

Vivacia, i dont think op does his laundry.

Good point, but I was really trying to identify why he'd want to be in a sexless marriage with his wife who he doesn't respect. Home comforts seemed to be an obvious one.

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