Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband just admitted cheating. What now?

(74 Posts)
BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 07:54:41

Early hours of Saturday my husband came in, admitted he's been cheating on me on and off over the last two years. We have two kids a toddler and a baby. We live oversees so no family around us and a few friends. He's been lying to us all. I don't want this for my kids, but I don't know how to try to work it out.
Am I weak and giving a bad example to kids if I don't walk away.

Lweji Sun 17-Nov-13 07:58:15

Different people deal with affairs differently.

Did he volunteered it, or did you find out?

You'll need an STD check (now and in about six months).

What was the type of cheating? One offs with different women? Prostitutes? A one, on-off affair?

Lweji Sun 17-Nov-13 07:58:30

Oh, and so sorry for you. sad

newbiefrugalgal Sun 17-Nov-13 08:22:03

I know you don't have family but do you have some friends to support you?
I have been where you are -it is very early days and you will go through so many stages.
I had (have!) some very dark days when I could barely get DC to school. You may not have this option with such young children but you really need time and space.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 08:30:20

Yes prostitutes. Makes me so embarrassed to wrote that.
We live over seas and there's a lot of it about. Just never thought he would go there.
He has to tell as let's just say she had left her mark.
I have friends but a lot of them are mutual and I don't know how to start to explain.
I do have a helper at home, so she will help me with the kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Nov-13 08:32:11

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I'm sure you're feeling very shocked and panicked. You don't have to make any long-term decisions right now but I would strongly recommend you ask him to leave the home temporarily. This would give you the time gather yourself, get some support, calm down and think clearly. 'On and off over the last two years' is not something you can easily dismiss or work out.

bouncysmiley Sun 17-Nov-13 08:32:48

I think a bit of time apart may be a good starting point. It will send a clear message that what he did is not acceptable and give you time to think.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 17-Nov-13 08:38:22

Oh you poor thing sad

Using prostitutes would be a deal breaker for me.

Either way you need to get STI checks, and you should get him to move out so you can decide what you want to do next.

If you split would you want to come back to the uk?

itsmeisntit Sun 17-Nov-13 08:43:31

Prostitutes an absolute deal breaker. this man has no respect for women-or for you. He has put your health at risk by his selfishness--he obviously would have continued had he not been forced to admit this.

Walk away OP--do this not just for you but for your DC's.
This man is not a good role model or a good father.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 09:09:18

I know....I really don't want to loose him, but the level of deception is massive. The excuses are appalling but I am so blindsided I don't know where to start.
I want him here to help me deal with it, but I see your point about time apart. It's just that I'm pretty lonely I realise and actuly look forward to his company at the end of the day, I'm a SAHM.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 09:13:24

Also, he has been having a relationship with the
Last one. He left work early on Friday to see her, stayed with her til 4 am then woke me up to tell me about it. I know the damage is done but I don't want him to be able to see her if he's away from the house...
Can't believe I'm saying this...,he's done a right number on me.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 09:14:47

So while conceiving your baby, through your pregnancy and your time with a newborn, he has been paying women to have sex with them.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anyone you can stay with, Praps in uk, where you can have time to think over what he has done to your family.

ProfPlumSpeaking Sun 17-Nov-13 09:15:45

I am so sorry for you. How feasible is it to start making plans to return to the UK? Where do the rest of your family live? Is there anyone in RL you can stay with for a while? It will be difficult to ever get back from this one sad but you will have a good future either alone or, eventually, with someone who treats you and women with respect.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 09:16:31

Oh bk, let him go to her if that's what he wants. He has been spending your family money to sleep with her, he's been taking time away from his children to sleep with her. He's not some hero.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 17-Nov-13 09:25:28

Sorry this has happened. I think it would be worth asking him to stay somewhere while you consider all of your options.

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 17-Nov-13 09:30:44

OP you deserve so much more. You only get one. Life and it goes so fast. Please think about the life you want. It isn't bad being a single parent. You can't live with someone who is seeing someone else and you can't stop him seeing others - it will kill you with the stress and worry. Hugs.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 09:33:29

Is coming back to the uk -even for just a few weeks - an option?

Get him to pay. He has no doubt spent the equivalent of flights on his prostitutes over the last two years.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 17-Nov-13 09:38:48

If you make him move out then he may just realise what he is losing and the shock help him see things more clearly.

If he does keep seeing her, then you have your answer.

You won't be making it easier for him to cheat. He has been doing that already, while living WITH you... And no doubt getting his washing done, his food cooked, his ironing etc., etc.,

Brandnewmamma Sun 17-Nov-13 09:42:38

I wouldn't stay with him op... It went on for so long and it could hurt you more longterm.

Pooka Sun 17-Nov-13 09:45:07

Are you in middle east? If you are and you think you want to come back to uk, can you accumulate evidence of the adultery should he want to prevent you leaving? He would be in very weak position if you had evidence of the adultery and live in ME.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sun 17-Nov-13 09:46:55

So he not only put your health at risk, he put you baby at risk too, he could have passed anything on to both of you.

For me thats a dealbreaker and he'd have been carrying on. Get him out of the house for some space.

dozeydoris Sun 17-Nov-13 09:48:46

Are you in the Far East? Some countries have high rates of Aids.

Lweji Sun 17-Nov-13 09:56:34

What is he saying? Is he apologetic, or just matter of fact, or does he intend to carry on?
Did she give him a disease or did he get pregnant?

Could you go back home?

I do think you need time apart to figure out how you stand without his pressure.
Will you ever be able to trust him again or truly forgive?

AuntieStella Sun 17-Nov-13 09:58:36

I hink OP will probably know about disease rates where she lives, and has already been advised several times to be tested for STIs. No need to labour the point more, surely?

Op: I think that what you need is time to work out what you want to do. Discovery is a hellish time, and you are likey to be in something akin to medical shock. You need to remember to eat, to ty to sleep, and to get through each day anchored by the damns of you DCs. As the shock subsides, and as you have time to think, yo will be able to start working out what you really want to do.

You do not need to make any decisions straight away.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Nov-13 10:04:07

"I don't want him to be able to see her if he's away from the house... "

You can't win this one. He's seeing her already and his still in your house. hmm I know you're upset, confused & think telling him to get lost would 'drive him into her arms'... but he's already there. I'm so sorry.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now