Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you react when you are furiously angry at an adult?

(51 Posts)
shadesofwhite Sun 17-Nov-13 00:44:48

Just that really. I know we all have a right to be angry/upset if not treated well but how do yu react/express your anger to that person who has angered you? What is/not acceptable? Especially in a not-so-well founded relationship.

Anything you've done out of anger you are really ashamed off?

TIA

custardo Sun 17-Nov-13 01:02:16

you tell first

Shellywelly1973 Sun 17-Nov-13 01:07:18

My sil sent me hideous texts tonight & my instinct was to retaliate. I was so angry at her I was shaking & my heart was beating likevthe clappers!

So i hoovered like a looney-sorry neighbours- then blocked her from contacting me every way I could think of.

If I could control myself I would normally talk to the other person but sil is an alcoholic so I really cant be arsed with her nonsense!

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 02:16:31

I go mad. I shout and then I storm off with some door slamming on the way to calm down and think. Many might see this as grounds for divorce, luckily hubby and I don't!

After I've gathered my thoughts and put them into some sort of order I then go back, apologies for going off my nut, have a quick hug and tell hubby I love him (I only ever get that furious with hubby!) and then we talk about it rationally. Having had that initial lose my temper stage, I NEVER lose my temper a second time and we both talk and listen. That sorts most of it out but I usually then think of a couple of loose ends a couple of days later so we always have a second follow up conversation just to work through those.

Chottie Sun 17-Nov-13 05:06:20

I take a deep breath and take myself away from the situation with pounding heart and gritted jaw

I walk around and take fresh air in and remind myself that one day this will be nothing and lost in the mists of time.....

If it is a work situation, I become chillingly calm and measured and state my case objectively I refuse to allow myself to stoop to the level of the person who has really annoyed me

Ruralninja Sun 17-Nov-13 05:22:58

I go ice cold generally. I don't get angry very often...if I am it usually means I'm really upset - anger's usually a red herring. Why are you asking OP?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Nov-13 06:40:43

I don't get angry often but, depending on what it is and who I'm annoyed with, I'll either tell them straight or avoid them completely. I don't think I've ever done anything I'm actually ashamed of although I did assault my exH's BMW in a bit of a temper. However, he deserved that. smile

PuddingAndHotMilk Sun 17-Nov-13 07:38:32

Like Joysmum I tend to have a little tantrum if I'm really angry with DH and love a good door slam. It's therapeutic. I know it's a touch childish and am actively working in a healthier way to express myself. I know I handle 'negative' emotion badly due to how I was parented so I want to be a better role model to my dd.
In a fit of peak I've smashed a bottle on the floor, slammed doors and lobbed an iron down the hall. I've scratched my own face and pulled out my hair on a couple of very bad days (severe PMT on one occasion and post partum hormones thrown into the mix on the other)

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 07:45:05

I can't really remember being angry like this. I tend to get weepy with frustration rather than angry. In this case I talk it through with my partner and/or think it through on a walk (whatever the weather). As someone else said I find it very important to identify why I'm angry and what I need to do next.

RevelsRoulette Sun 17-Nov-13 08:00:22

I express how I am feeling and why.

Shouting and chucking things about is unhelpful and is actually a barrier to communication. Years ago, I used to yell a lot grin I used to scream insults and accusations and it's because I lacked the ability to articulate my feelings and just spewed out raw emotion. But often I couldn't actually describe why I was so cross or what I wanted. I just wanted to yell out general insults and vague You're a pig statements. grin Sadly, that sort of behaviour doesn't actually solve a problem, which is ultimately what you want.

It became particularly difficult when I married, because my husband isn't a shouter and simply refused to engage with me when I yelled. You have no idea how stupid you feel yelling away to someone who refuses to yell back or to attempt to discuss anything while you're yelling. grin

So now I just say how I feel, why, and what I would like to happen/change. saying "I feel really really upset by X and I would like Y to happen" or "I feel so angry about X that it is like a physical pain" or "I feel really frustrated that you have done Y and I need to know what's going to happen now" is more more useful than chucking a pan at someone's head (sorry ex boyfriend. But in my defence, you really were an arse wink )

halfwildlingwoman Sun 17-Nov-13 08:55:32

I express anger really badly. I just burst into tears. This has really held me back in my career, as I just look weak!

mrsspagbol Sun 17-Nov-13 09:05:20

Wise words Revels

Lilacroses Sun 17-Nov-13 09:20:08

Aaaaargh! I just wrote a lengthy response and accidentally deleted it. Anyway I basically said that all my life I've avoided conflict by essentially lying if I felt angry with someone about something because I so hated falling out with people.

A couple of years ago a situation came about involving Dd where I felt I had to stand up for her, not by shouting but by telling them how angry I was. THe person concerned was livid and never forgave me for telling them. It made me feel half proud that I had been honest about my feelings but half dreadful that it had created this awful fall out.

Anyway, earlier this year we had a minor disagreement with our neighbour. I was honest with her about how I felt. We had a couple of difficult conversations and then resolved things and we are getting along fine now.

I used to think it was some sort of dreadful failure to fall out with anyone at all. Now I think that it's actually impossible to go through life avoiding conflict entirely. I am determined to perfect the technique Revels talks about in future. I don't think constantly suppressing your anger is helpful really, neither is yelling and screaming but there has to be a middle ground which differentiates you from a doormat!

treadheavily Sun 17-Nov-13 09:53:44

I have received two deeply irritating texts during the past few days, both triggering my long-felt dislike for their senders.

I left them unanswered until I was feeling great, then it was very easy to send a bland reply, avoid conflict. It leaves me feeling better than if I had sent crap messages back.

When I feel angry at work I hold my tongue till I have calmed down and usually this involves a couple of early nights. I find a lot of my "furies" are tiredness colliding with irritation rather than anything worth fighting about.

wontletmesignin Sun 17-Nov-13 10:24:30

When i feel angry, i do the whole shaky, heart pounding thing. Then i go all calm. I can then explain what has upset me. If its a decent humab being, the problem can be resolved. If they are aggressive, i will not lose my temper. I will stay calm, walk away and plan my next move. Or avoid them completely lol.
I cannot deal with confrontations and conflict.
I can only deal with calm to calm-ish situations.
Anything else and im an anxious mess, one little flick and i think id fall to the floor

hoboken Sun 17-Nov-13 10:37:18

I adopt an icy tone and say,

'You have ruined /hurt/damaged... and I am livid. Was that your intention? What are you going to do to mend/make up for it?'

I do not deal with arguments by email, text or Facebook. Face to face or on the phone. No swearing no shouting until I am on my own in the house or the car, then I vent, oh boy do I vent.

It's all in the voice (Thespian here)

hoboken Sun 17-Nov-13 10:40:50

Yes, I said awful things when I was grieving after a bereavement. I will not be forgiven and I do not deserve to be. That taught me a great deal about the necessity to sometimes put up and shut up.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe Sun 17-Nov-13 10:46:42

I can honestly say I have not felt anger in a long time. I have just been sitting here trying to work out why. I have felt utter disappointment and unbearable hurt at the hands of another - but not anger.

I am a SW and have a huge amount of anger hurled at me daily - I dont know whether I am able to process anger better then the average person or that I am so used to anger that I do not recognise it in myself any more.

TimidLivid Sun 17-Nov-13 11:13:04

I can't stand anyone to be annoyed with him its a nightmare way to be and makes people walk all over you. Also instead of getting angry I go numb its no use doesn't solve anything and seems to go against my own good. It means when I need to act to sort something that needs me to upset somone else I just can't do it and once the numbness has worn off its too late to bring things up talk about it. If someone confronts me I just can't get anywords out and freeze or say sorry to stop it even if its not my fault. Doormat and rational I know what I should do say but can't get the words out at the time

Meerka Sun 17-Nov-13 13:05:09

I've never really got this one down. family background is extremely fractured and really rather unpleasant. When I get angry, really angry as opposed to cross, I have trouble dealing with it. Either I crumble and then get the shakes and red mist later; or I say exactly what I am thinking at that point which tends to really mess things up. Unforutnately then I assume the other person will never want to speak to me again (old conditioning) which means it's hard to talk it out.

On the occasions where I do keep calm and reasonable, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. Its taken me all these years to realise that actually, quite often it's the other person as much as (or more than) me. Their problem more than mine. Not always ofc, but its not automatically my fault as I used to assume.

Recently I've had to go NC with a family member due to some extreme, and according to my husband completely unwarrented, nastiness on her side (I think she's taking something out on me that has nothing to do with me, at least that's the only explanation I can come up with else I'm at a loss). Even though I can tell myself it's her problem, not mine, the near-hate in these communications has shaken me badly and 5 months after cutting contact it still haunts me. Angry, puzzled, hurt. Still don't know how to handle the strength of the emotions and get it out of my head.

So I'm sorry, but I hope you can find more of an answer than I can. Maybe it will help to know that some of us flounder completely! smile But I hope you can find a more constructive and helpful way.

Someone wise once said to me that anger gives us the strength to take action over something that needs to be put right. Wise words.

shadesofwhite Sun 17-Nov-13 13:13:15

Thanks for all your responses!

I'll try to adopt few (positive grin ) techniques from all your responses..especially not expressing my anger when I'm feeling it. Before I used to shut down and get away from the person but last few weeks I have been reacting directly which I have found very exhausting and mind draining to say the least. I've been dating a gentle man and yesterday he annoyed me sooooo much that I texted him a pile of how I feel/made me feel for the last 8mnths. he'd lied to me and when I discovered the truth I went mental angry ! I asked him to never contact me again and to delete my number. He kindly texted..."I feel sorry for your ex if this is what he used to deal with" hmm my ex was a level 10 abuser, has sexual crimes around his neck and is a Narcissist. When I was with him..I was walking on eggshells not to upset him, afer he physically hit me for breaking his (precious Camera). Now, I'm questioning myself...then how do I express my anger without being told I have anger issues.

Now I regret telling him he upset me for lying to me which he is defending himself "it was a prank" that didn't go well! I hate conflicts and that's the only reason I used to let things bottle up until I'm fed up..in this case 8months of lies to say the least.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 13:20:09

8 months?? I wouldn't stay with someone who made me feel that bad so early on. What was so great that you stayed with him past, say, the second incident?

shadesofwhite Sun 17-Nov-13 13:22:27

This is so true Meerka Someone wise once said to me that anger gives us the strength to take action over something that needs to be put right. Wise words.

The questions is how to go about that without actually messing thing up..

shadesofwhite Sun 17-Nov-13 13:26:07

vivacia I stayed with him only because I had feelings for him and I thought he was the complete opposite of my exH. But I realized he's been taking me for granted because I don't know what's a Normal r'ship and how much is too much not to carry on with the relationship.

shadesofwhite Sun 17-Nov-13 13:31:48

I don't know why I'm always attracted to men even friends who don't treat me right. Deep down I can tell its not the way I'd want to be treated but then I just shut up not to offend them. I just need a normal life and healthy relationships..with people who will not over step my boundaries just how I respect their boundaries sad . I think my childhood completely ruined my life...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now