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What if your friend is the other woman?

(19 Posts)
middleclassdystopia Thu 14-Nov-13 22:51:02

Friend of mine is sleeping with a married man. His marriage is falling apart and she has expressed very little empathy whilst talking about how it's affected her.

I try not to judge. Maybe he's an arse, maybe his wife is unbearable or maybe the marriage was ending anyway. Maybe they are in love.

But as a married woman I am just losing respect for her. She really irritates me the way she goes on about how amazing the sex is etc. It makes me angry. She always was quite selfish/vain growing up but hasn't grown out of it I feel.

Would I be wrong to walk away?

BrickorCleat Thu 14-Nov-13 22:57:31

I try not to judge

She always was quite selfish/vain growing up but hasn't grown out of it I feel

I think y

NoAddedSuga Thu 14-Nov-13 22:58:29

My friend is having an affair with a married man. Shes head over heels for him

Its her business, and i dont judge her.

Whatnext074 Thu 14-Nov-13 23:00:16

No you wouldn't be wrong IMO. My H is having an affair and to say it has caused hurt is an understatement.

A very close friend of mine is having an affair at the moment and although I try not to judge, I have really struggled with it, especially when she was showing our group of friends the things MM had bought her and how wonderful he was to her and his DW apparently was unaware. I just think of my H doing that with his OW.

I had to keep my distance from her and I think she is more than happy with that too as she has seen me at my lowest and I think she can't deal with the pain of my H's affair and it's impact on me and my family.

You're not a bad person for either walking away or telling her that you don't agree with what she's doing or just don't want to hear about it, especially the sex!

Whatnext074 Thu 14-Nov-13 23:01:26

Meant to add, she is a close friend and I don't want her to get hurt either.

BrickorCleat Thu 14-Nov-13 23:01:55

You need to try harder!

You say his marriage is falling apart. They are both adults. If you mind her talking about her sex life, you're perfectly entitled to ask her not to tell you about it.

But if you're really finding it too much to bear, you should bow out of the relationship. Your friend will expect your loyalty and it sounds like your principles will prevent you supporting her through the tumultuous times to come.

She will probably appreciate your honesty in the long run.

What a tricky situation for you though.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 14-Nov-13 23:03:18

I think if you have empathy then you'll feel for the innocent parties who will get hurt when the lies and deceit get revealed. That's pretty natural. I had a friend who cheated on her lovely, kind dp. Us friends watched in horror, lost respect for her but didn't walk away. I would understand somebody for not wanting to be friends in your situation though. Different people have different standards/ 'Dealbreakers' for them within friendships.

AnandaTimeIn Thu 14-Nov-13 23:10:28

What is it with these people?!

Either you are in a relationship with someone or you are a free agent to be with who you want to be.

Even if it is for a night, week, some time....

You can't have it both ways.

Too many people are scared to be on their own.

wontletmesignin Fri 15-Nov-13 00:01:29

I understand where you are coming from. I dont think you would be in the wrong for walking away.
Have you tried telling her your frustrations?
Maybe she is so wrapped up in 'love' that she cannot see the heartache they could cause, and how she is coming across.

theunashamedow Fri 15-Nov-13 02:26:46

I bet the sex is fantastic! She might be a bit more discrete though than to boast. Sounds like you two are frenemies more than friends?

madwomanintheatt1c Fri 15-Nov-13 02:30:45

Nice username, ow. And fairly yawn some predictable post. Anyone would think you actually believed a chap that told you the sex with his wife was bad, for the sake of an easy lay ;-)

Shame you need that adrenalin to get it on, eh?

MistressDeeCee Fri 15-Nov-13 02:59:53

Nothing amazing about being, and being with a cheat. Whilst I probably wouldnt make an issue by telling her how I feel about this (after all its not me having the affair), I know Id have zero interest in listening to how amazing their relationship/sex life/whatever is. Seems to be the usual - building up the man & relationship as if its something oh so special. If this was her main and constant topic of conversation Id have to see her less, I just couldnt be bothered to listen to it in inglorious detail tbh.

RoadToTuapeka Fri 15-Nov-13 03:02:10

I have a friend who was seeing a married man who had two children. Every cliche in the book...met through work, he 'was only with the wife for the children's sake' 'wasn't sleeping with the wife' etc etc.

Interestingly, my friend didn't tell, and asked me not to tell, a mutual friend of ours who was married (i wasn't at that time). I think she knew really that it was a poor situation to be in.

I didn't pass judgement but was slightly cooler with her after I knew about the relationship, as I didn't really think it was right but the man sounded like an.idiot and sure enough it all went to pieces and he stayed with his wife. I think it was good to have still been there as a friend, voiced misgivings, but left her to it and was there when she needed a friend when it all went wrong for her.

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 06:51:43

There are two aspects to this.

Do you know who the married man is? She could be sleeping with your husband or with one of your friends' husbands.

On the other hand, she's likely to come out hurt. He's not likely to leave his wife, or she may get him as consolation prize if he's found out. Plus, he's a cheat, so it's likely he'd cheat on her too.

In your place I'd probably try to increase her self esteem.

middleclassdystopia Fri 15-Nov-13 07:35:52

I think she does lack self esteem. She's still stuck in the vanity of her teenage years, feeling compelled to mention who fancies her at work and competing with friends etc

Part of me feels I should support, another part of me feels we've grown apart anyway.

She cheated too, on her fiance. The lack of empathy is striking in that she paints her ex fiance and the wife as the bad ones in this. Apparently it was terrible that her fiance was getting jealous/suspicious. Er that's because you were cheating hmm

I know in some ways i'm not being sisterly or showing female support. Her lover is a cheat and possibly a charmer/arsehole. If she does lack self esteem, he may be taking advantage.

But she does strike me as dysfunctional/narcissistic and having been through a long, hard journey to escape my own dysfunctional family...well part of me can't be bothered.

Jan45 Fri 15-Nov-13 13:02:53

She is an adult and is making her own choices, you can choose to still be her friend but not support her with her affair, I certainly wouldn't be having sex chats with her about the married man, that's just yuck and also why should you pretend you actually think it's ok and have fun about it, you don't, and you are perfectly entitled to tell her that. If she wants to walk away from your friendship cos you are not supporting her affair, then I'd be saying ok, cheerio.

EldritchCleavage Fri 15-Nov-13 13:06:24

Tell her you don't want to hear about it. There's no reason why you have to be involved in the minutiae of her love life.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 15-Nov-13 14:39:12

She sounds like kind of a dick.

You don't have to be her friend any more if she's just a vain and shallow idiot with no concern for other people.

mummymummymillionmillion Fri 15-Nov-13 21:17:30

A friend of mine did this once and I dumped her. I just don't think it is morally right. I did not want a friend who is like that, with no concern of her family or others.

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