Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

(273 Posts)
superdry Thu 14-Nov-13 14:04:19

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

You have written about your H before and you did not want to break the family up then either. A course will not change your DH, such behaviours are deeply rooted within his own psyche. You've become conditioned to his ill treatment of you.

The doctor is doing the right thing here.

You're not safe so it follows that your children are not safe in this house.

If you try to persuade SS that your children are not at risk, and all is honkey dorey, they might draw their own conclusions about whether you are it to care for your children or not.

How old are they?

humphryscorner Thu 14-Nov-13 14:24:49

OP be very careful. What the above posters have said is true.

An a 'friend' of mine consistently reported her abusive husband to the police and as there were dc that dp had never been aggressive too, contacted ss. They gave her repeat warnings that they would remove children if she didn't leave/keep her dh away. She didn't and they did . She now has supervised access.

Any kind of abuse always has an effect on the dc. When my friend visits the dc, the youngest, five, is extremely aggressive to her- kicking her, pulling her hair.

This is the push you need for you and dc.

DottyboutDots Thu 14-Nov-13 14:27:08

Maybe social services' involvement is the wake up call you all need? I cannot see how someone is scared enough to log abuse cannot see that they aren't safe in their own home.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 14-Nov-13 14:29:56

OP, you need to wake to what harm your H is doing to your DC, your their mother and SS will look to you to make sure their mental health is protected.

My mum and dad used to have screaming matches when i was child, no as a 30 year old woman, i still cant bare hear screaming matches or arguments start, because it brings back some very nasty memories of my childhood.

SnakeyMcBadass Thu 14-Nov-13 14:30:10

I imagine that SS will assess your situation and decide what to do about involvement based on the best interests of your DC. The doctor and SS are not the enemy here, they are on your DC's side. Cooperate fully and really, and I mean really, look at your relationship and work out very quickly where your priorities lay. I'm sorry you're in this position.

steeking Thu 14-Nov-13 14:30:36

Are you worried about how DP will react to SS being involved. It may be the push he needs to seek help.
However if he reacts with anger which is directed at you, or he tries to blame you for it then you really need tp consider if this is worth sticking with.
The children will be witnessing and learning patterns of behaviour which will stay with them potentially for ever . Is that what you want?

WallaceWindsock Thu 14-Nov-13 14:30:50

I can give you honesty OP. I was in refuge for several months. There was a lady in there who had lost her two daughters to SS. Why? Because she had refused to leave her abusive husband. He had never hurt those girls, or her. He had merely threatened it and was very emotionally abusive.

SS will come round and talk to you in your own home when your partner is not there. They will talk to your DC. They will want to establish how honest you are about the situation, what steps you are taking to ensure your DCs safety. If you sit there and say that he wouldn't hurt then, you won't leave then they will very quickly stop supporting you and will work to ensure the kids are safe, be that with or without you. If you ask for their support in finding a way to leave, acknowledge that he is damaging them then you will find a wealth of support and resources at your finger tips.

Yes your hand has been forced now, you honestly have two options. You can either abandon your partner and fight tooth and nail to prove that you will do anything to keep your kids safe, or you can dither and try and prove that your partner isn't that bad, wouldn't hurt the kids, and you will find that you will be judged as failing to protect them.

I'm speaking as someone who fled DV twice, someone who spend time in refuge and spoke to many women. I also had SS visit several times. This is your reality now. You can't go back and undo the GP visit, you need to get on with showing them that you will protect your kids from the slightest perceived threat.

I also think you should listen to the other posters on this thread, rather than getting defensive. They are trying to help you, listen to them.

superdry Thu 14-Nov-13 14:32:10

its not about standing by my man, its not a case of 'oh but i love him even though he's a bastard' - its about keeping my family together, most of family life is calm and normal, i know there are big problems which i am trying to sort out, my children are happy and normal as any other children and in no way in any danger - i am sure that some of you may have personal experience of this issue and have perhaps left the marriage and others who have no direct experience and think WTF, how could she stay with him, but all this finger wagging isn't really helping me

MarianForrester Thu 14-Nov-13 14:32:13

I think what happens, practically speaking, is that Ss will contact you, maybe you and your husband, to discuss the concerns that have been raised.

They will then make an assessment of what,if anything, needs to happen next, eg continuing involvement from them; asking you/dh to attend courses, meetings, etc. All depends on how serious they think any risk to your children is. They may also ask for reports from schools, nurseries, health visitors etc, I think.

That's just a rough idea, I am elsewhere in uk and used to work in that area, briefly, but things are bit different in England. Hope that helps a bit though.

I grew up in a violent household. While I wasn't the target of violence it has affected me greatly being a witness.

Best of luck to you and your DC x

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 14-Nov-13 14:33:03

Your GP is completely in the right.

Handbagsonnhold Thu 14-Nov-13 14:33:33

Your GP is under an obligation to advise ss as there are children involved. The very fact that you contacted Women's Aid and your GP demonstrates the extent to which you fear this person. Not taking the 'moral high ground' here just stating the bare facts. I hope he gets the help he needs and you are able to move forward. Good luck.

Twinklestein Thu 14-Nov-13 14:33:36

SS will send someone to do a risk assessment. They will monitor and support you to make sure you are taking steps to protect your children, and you should work with them to show them how you are doing/going to do this.

Exposure to your domestic abuse, even if it is not directly violent, is considered harmful to the children.

This is not moral high ground, it's practical safety measures.

RevelsRoulette Thu 14-Nov-13 14:33:41

Social Services will want to ensure that the children are not growing up in an abusive home and will want to work with you to ensure they are not abused nor are they witness to abuse. Hopefully you will work with them because that would be their first choice.

But ultimately, they are there to protect the children when, for whatever reason, one or both parents are not doing so.

they will want to help you. They can't do that if you don't let them. They aren't your enemy.

Butterytoast Thu 14-Nov-13 14:35:20

When a referral is received by social care they will assess whether it is a child protection issue (dv is) and will dispense with your consent and conduct checks on the children with school, health and other professionals involved. It's likely they will speak to the police to see if any incidents have Ben reported. It is likely they will contact you to arrange to meet,probably away from your dp and will complete an assessment of the situation. They will also speak to the children if they are old enough to have a view. The outcome of the assessment will dictate any future plans.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 14-Nov-13 14:35:40

OP - why would people give you practical advice about how to enable an abusive man to stay in the same home as young children?

You have to accept that as a victim of abuse yourself, your perspective on the situation is skewed. The views on this thread represent normality and the truth of your situation.

I wish you and your DC all the best.

Why do you want to keep the family together, why is this "ideal" so important to you seemingly above everything else?.

superdry Thu 14-Nov-13 14:38:43

i did not contact womens aid and doctor out of fear, i contacted WA to get legal advice, his name is on the house not mine, i wanted to know where i stood, and they advised the visit to the doctors to log the abuse for future reference if need be, if it came to getting him to leave the house, which is something he absolutely won't do now cos it is 'his'

Chopstheduck Thu 14-Nov-13 14:38:51

What is likely to happen?

They will want to talk to your children, most likely alone, without you present, and see if there are any concerns. Then it depends from there. PM me if you like.

I've been through both dv and ss intervention. I can honestly say, hand on heart that dv will be having an affect on the children. Whether or not it is enough to warrant ss intervention will be for them to decide.

What you need to do is co-operate fully with anything they ask and demonstrate that you are putting your children first, before your dh. The course would be good for your dh and that is something that ss might be able to help you arrange. He needs to show that he is addressing his issues.

WallaceWindsock Thu 14-Nov-13 14:39:11

Sweetheart you aren't listening. SS work to guidelines. They won't give a fig about how happy your kids are most of the time. There is NO going back from this, no way of wangling it. You have two options. They are now your only two options. If I were you I'd prepare for that, you cannot afford to say what you are saying here to the SW, you really can't. This will not go away.

Even if you leave with a few to it being a temporary thing, the is no way in hell that SS will accept anything less. In the same way that gps are suspended while being investigated - regardless of how ridiculous that complaint may seem to be, they have to suspend that GP from practicing medicine until it's been investigated. This is how things have to work in families. There have been statements regarding your DH and violence. The only acceptable action that SS will support is you removing yourself and the kids. Do anything else and they will see you as failing to protect the kids. It is honestly that black and white!

DwellsUndertheSink Thu 14-Nov-13 14:40:07

OP, Im a foster carer. My current FCs are from a home like yours, where they were in no immediate physical danger themselves. They are deeply traumatised. After months and months, they are still deeply fearful and emotionally stunted. Please dont underestimate the impact of the abuse on your kids.

SnakeyMcBadass Thu 14-Nov-13 14:40:22

Most of family life is calm? Except for the bits where he is abusive, yes? Those bits don't exist in isolation. Your children don't forget them. Keeping a family together is only desirable when the family dynamic is healthy. An abusive relationship is not healthy, and your DC need to feel safe and secure above and beyond just having their parents living together. I really hope you can see that.

Thurlow Thu 14-Nov-13 14:40:29

OP, I know it is bad form to bring up previous threads but I do remember your previous thread about your DH.

Parents rowing continually and threatening violence is not a happy family life.

You can't protect your children from the DH simply by being extra nice to them.

Children staying in a "family" that is abusive and violent is not the best for them. It is far worse than the alternative. You've talked about how both you and your husband grew up in quite violent, argumentative families and so it is probably no surprise that you now have a violent and argumentative relationship.

Do you want your children to learn that this is what family life is, and just do the same when they are adults?

I don't have any experience with SS to advise you on but listen to other posters on here. Be honest with SS and if your DH won't go to any courses they advise, then you need to take SS's advice about leaving.

Jan45 Thu 14-Nov-13 14:41:27

Sorry you are gong through this but it has now taken your GP to inform SS to ensure the safety of your children, you still don't seem able to see this is how's it got.

I don't suspect they are in any danger, not physically but mentally, I wouldn't like to think what they have seen - whether you accept it or not, it's abuse and you are enabling it by not getting away from this man who is clearly unstable.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now