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Partner won't provide for our family(84 Posts)
I am a regular reader of this forum but have finally plucked up the courage to post. Sorry it's a long one:
My partner and I have two children together (twins) who are under 1yr, and basically my issue is his refusal to provide for our family. He works for himself, as he always has done, and makes next to no money doing so these days, at one point he was earning good money (when I met him) but not for a long time now. From the day I was first unexpectedly pregnant, I have begged for him to pack in his self employed work and get a job that brings in a steady income for us, to which he ended up agreeing this needed to be done, and even sat with me whilst I wrote up his CV and applied to jobs for him (I had to do it as he said he had no idea what he was doing). Long story short, calls and emails came in from agencies etc. but he never told me about them and instead said he’d not heard back from anyone, until one day I saw him open his emails and there was one from someone offering him an interview, which by then he had missed the deadline to attend.
All I can say is he’s too proud, lazy and has been spoilt, he went to a top UK university and his parents paid his way, and his father worked 6/7 days a week to provide him with a good life. He was never forced to get a job like I was, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to get up early in the morning to go out and earn. Even now caring for our children rests on me whilst he has a lie in until 12pm each day, he ‘works’ late with his business so that’s his excuse for lying in, and I prefer him out of the way so give up trying to get him up in the mornings with us. He is also very proud and hates to admit that his self employed business that he has bragged about doing to jealous friends whilst they slogged away in their jobs is now not a viable option any more. He has never had to work a proper day in his life. He had it good at one point, when it was only him to provide for, he'd make enough money to have a good lifestyle and he could wake up whenever he wanted and choose what days he worked (if any) each week. His work is now dwindling, he makes next to no money any more and as he’s worked for himself and it’s not a real career he doesn’t really have any real experience to get a job with, so going into a job now he doesn’t have much to show what he’s done for the last X amount of years, and he’s almost 30.
I feel ridiculous writing something like this and asking for help. I never pictured myself being with someone who would not do anything and everything to provide the best life for their children. My dad was such a hard worker and provided for 4 children and a wife. Now I know I’ll probably get responses telling me to get rid of him, etc. and it does cross my mind a lot in moments of anger and frustration. But there are children involved who love him, and he is a fantastic father and I do love him, even though at the moment our relationship is severely strained – there is no intimacy between us, (we dtd maybe twice since I gave birth Dec '12), and it is rare we do anything together, even though we are under the same roof 24/7.
To add to that strain we moved back in with my parents in May 2013 as I knew we couldn’t afford to keep renting and he promised me it would only be for a few months whilst he earned money for us to move out again. Now it’s nearly December and we are still here and with no signs of moving out, I have managed to save but he has saved nothing. I buy everything our children need with the child benefit I get whilst he pays for shopping with the little money he earns each week from his work, and sometimes delves into our joint account so our savings are diminishing (I do have separate savings though). I have been job hunting for him as I have told him he has to work now, and I found one job the other day that basically paid nothing and was part time, and he said that sounded like the ideal job for him as it was part time and when I said he'd be earning practically nothing he didn't seem bothered, which to be honest angered me so much. Why does he have no drive to provide for his family? We will never be able to get a mortgage if he doesn’t work- a while back he said to mutual friends how once I went back to work I could get a mortgage in my name for us! I feel like I’m expected to work but not him! As for marriage, there is no way we can have the wedding I dreamed of unless I pay for it when I’m earning again, which I refuse to do.
I’m so fed up I don’t know what to do any more, every time I approach the subject he just sits there as though he’s deaf and doesn’t respond, or says he will do something about it and doesn’t!!! I know once I return to work, I will not be able to be with him if he doesn’t also provide. I also know I will have to apply to jobs for him or it won't happen, which is tiring when you've got twins to look after too.
Any ideas how I can get it through to him that I’ve had enough?
Thank you for reading if you got this far! xxx
Actually, nothing was very clear, and I think I asked her about her job situation earlier on, but she didn't reply.
Somehow I assumed he was working at home, but it's not clear at all either.
Have skim-read through this - I know a few people who are in almost similar positions but in the end (not sure how it happened) either the mother/father isn't working/semi working and scraping along OR the mother/father has a proper job and the pipe dream is a pipe dream.
I think in a sense Relate would help (if he'd do it) and a time limit of maybe IDK a year or so? this is if OP's DP/DH agrees to this. if after that things are still not improved then tell him to sling his hook and OP gets on with things herself. It sounds as if she's fed up already. I'd actually be FURIOUS with him missing interviews etc and living in cloud cuckoo land.
Also from my experience of people like this - they do not change. ever. just carry on (like he's done) in their own merry way. I don't know as she's not married what rights she'd have re maintenance but then again he doesn't work. thank god they don't own a house together.
I'm almost tempted now to backtrack and say kick him to the curb.
oh and one of the people I know - dad is scriptwriter that is what he WANTS to do and has done in spare time but he has a well paying or decent paying job because he HAS TO PROVIDE for his family. wife has her own business but supports her DH re the scriptwriting.
and I think deep down the DH in this case (my friend) knows his other career won't really take off but he does it in spare time.
She does make reference to returning to work so I understood that to mean she has a job to go back to?
oh someone else I know (friend of stepdad) - their family helped the husband out and wife's family helped DW out - they never had a high standard of living but there was support. husband worked contracts, bit work here and there specialist etc.
BUT that only works if there is other family willing to support financially etc - these people have a house (bought, mortgage or mortgage paid off etc) BUT the husband has to work now at say 60 whereas my stepdad is retired at 60 (civil service). The family on both sides (but wife's) were willing to help both ways (financially and morally and IRL) but they'd both agree IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY. do you really want that?
I sometimes go to bed around 4 a.m. Still up around 9 in the morning though.....
I really wonder how your parents put up with him lying in his bed till midday in their house.
Hi OP. I think you need to realise you're enabling his behaviour and his lifestyle. Yes, he's not taking responsibility but he's still and is getting away with not bringing the bread in.
There is nothing you can say or do to change HIM but there's a lot you can do to change your situation. These entrepreneural types are too proud and selfish and tbh, they do not get it. He is stuck in bachelor lala land. I have posted b4 here on my situation and have been with a partner who he did not provide income for 3years and fell pregnant exactly as you.
This is what I did whilst living with my partner and subsidising him:
I went back to work and became the breadwinner.
I got a full-time aupair in and two nurseries and i was fortunate enough to be earning and paying for really expensive childcare and all the bills etc.
AND THEN I KICKED HIM OUT PRETTY SWIFTLY.
Because he could have got a job any Paying job or he could have. been a sahm dad which both be refused to do.
It was only THEN when be lost everything he came to his senses (and got a proper job and a really really good one at that!!!).
You're in for long rocky hard road. I have posted before my husbands comments but basically he was too tunnel vision at the time in saving his business to even hear me or see me let alone see the neglect on his family.
I believe this is what's happening with you.
Good luck OP.
Please pm me if your dh would like to speak to another man who has been in his shoes. It might help to speak to another businessman or woman to get a sense of perspective. There are numerous definitions of vocational success of which having a business or being self employed is just one. It took 3years for my dh to cut his losses and lose best part of a house deposit in business debt. The only only reason why he changed was because he lost something meaningful to him. His family. Not money .
Most business men and women spend years doing full-time jobs in order to survive whilst they are building their business on the side. They do not give up full time work until the business is sustainable or that they need more time to concentrate on the business once the ground work has been done. They will also do all sorts of jobs when money is tight just to keep their families going. It is not an either or situation. If he is serious about his business tell him to read Robert Kyosaki (think that's how you spell his name) Rich Dad Poor Dad. If I remember correctly RK sold photocopiers on commission. The idea was the more photocopiers he sold the more money he could invest in his business.
Having said all that, I still think he is having an affair.
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