Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is he playing games?(21 Posts)
Ok so a bit of a back story.
Me and my ex are 20 & 21 and dated for just under a year, we then split up (kinda mutual- I ended it but he pushed me to in anger) and a week later I rang him (drunk!) and asked for him back, he said no and that it was "over forever". After that we didn't have any contact for a month.
However, we are on the same uni course and have to see each other 3 times a week, after a month we began talking again amd agreed to be civil/try to be friends. A couple of weeks later we got talking about getting back together, I said that I didn't want to discuss that now and that he should talk to me about it in a month or so when my head is clearer. We agreed that we still loved each other but that we needed space and that if we still felt as strongly about each other a month or two down the line then we would discuss trying again.
Since then we slept together twice, on the second occasion I got drunk and ended up having a complete meltdown/anxiety attack thing and clearly freaked him out- after that he said that he didn't want us to do that again as clearly it wasn't good for me and wasn't helping.
He also said that at the start of us talking again he was 100% sure that he wanted to get back with me, however now he has said that he's 50/50 because, although his feelings for me haven't changed, he is enjoying this time alone where he can relax.
He has made it clear that he doesn't want anyone else, isn't interested in sleeping with anyone and that he just wants to be alone for a while which I accept.
He has told me that he loves me as much as ever and that he always will, he says that he at least wants me in his life as his friend.
*Note that I have never expressed a desire to get back with him, I merely said that I would have to see how I felt in time but right now that I need to be alone.
He has also started trying to hang around with my friends who he barely knows (one best friend who I live with, the other a v.close friend of 3 years and he spoke about wanting to go on a night out with my 3rd friend whom he's never even spoken to as he wants to get to know her too)
He has friends of his own but they don't go out much, there are over 170 people on our course alone and yet he is trying to get in with my friends for some reason.
We occasionally meet in town outside of uni, last time we did he spent £20 as he took me for a meal to Pizza Hut.
He knows that I'd never have him back if he slept with anyone else, hence why he emphaisies it. He is also emphasisng how he is becoming a better person as he is working on himself, oh and he does strange things like a few days ago we were talking and he said how he was going to visit his two best friends and that he loved them (both girls, he knows that I didn't like him saying that he loved other girls even in a friend way), he then panicked a bit and said "Sorry, is ok for me to say that I love my friends?" He wasn't be sarcastic, I just laughed and said that he can say whatever he wants.
So despite saying that he's 50/50 he has told me that he will always love me, asks me to arrange us meeting up outside of uni as he never has much on so he's always free, really tried to start hanging around and organising nights out with my friends (he invited me despite both of us agreeing in the past that going on a night out together would not be a good idea due to alcohol and emotions etc.), said that he has no interest in being with anyone else (at one point did say that he was getting better and may consider it however he then later took that statement back), organises and pays for us to go to Pizza Hut etc.
However he also said that he doesn't want us to sleep together, and if we are walking together and he has his arm around me then he always removes it before we walk into the uni premisis as if he's hiding it etc., stresses that he's ok with me sleeping with other guys (even though he inadvertedly admitted to Facebook stalking a guy who he knew that I'd slept with after we broke up, also asks my best friend about me etc.)
So basically do you guys think that he really is trying to get back with me and playing games so that he can do that? What are your opinions?
I am still undecided about whether I'd get back with him yet, I'd like to as I still love him but it was a turbulent relationship so I need a break.
Sorry for the very long post, I just want to know your opinions of this situation!
I would say your still young go out and enjoy. If he is playing games now, imagine 10-20yrs down the line he will still be playing games. If he was 'the one' or whatever you wouldn't be having this much hassle. Remember why you split in the first place.
If you both wanted to be with each other 100% why wait a month or whatever?
I think, yes still be friends if it's possible but don't go any further. Plenty more fish in the sea! To much stress and hassle already!
What is there to actually love about such a person?. He sounds absolutely bloody awful, insecure and cloying to boot. He is terrible relationship material.
Turbulent relationships are code for great (brief) highs followed by deep lows all the time; you're only 20 and are selling yourself well short if you were frankly daft enough to start dating him again. He wants to keep close tabs on you and is not above using your friends to keep watch on you either. He's playing games with your mind and won't back off completely even though you've asked him to. Such men as well do not take no for an answer.
Love your own self for a change.
eh? you dumped him and you've slept with someone since breaking up but you'd never get back with him if he slept with someone else so he hasn't. he's been open about his feelings all the way, you have not and have just said you need time alone. you don't like him to say he loves his friends and he feels he has to check himself for saying such a thing in his presence.
yet you think HE'S playing games.
honestly you sound really controlling and unfair. let the guy go.
You sound like the one playing games!
You say it's not OK for him to say he loves his (female) friends and when he says it you're all "why's he saying it, it's fine!"
He can't do right for doing wrong!
And it's not OK for him to sleep with someone, but you did?
In one post, two of your actions were driven by drink. I wonder if you were also drunk when you slept with someone after the split?
Honestly, I think you should lay off the drink, and look for love not drama. Don't confuse the two. And have you seen your GP about the anxiety attack? Concentrate on that first.
I don't want to sound harsh... I expect you're not deliberately playing games here. But you sound like you could do with talking to someone - is there a counselling service at uni? Love isn't drama, and it isn't this fraught - might help to work out why you're investing so much in this.
Oh and please take this in a supportive not mean way but - FFS! Do not sleep with him if he is not your boyfriend!!!
That's not a moral issue, it's a headfuck issue. Seriously - no good will come of that.
And also... spending £20 on a pizza means nothing.
The biggest thing that makes me think you should walk away altogether is this removing your arm around campus. A true friend or boyfriend acts the same way wherever you are. Frankly, it smacks of him wanting the sex you're offering, enjoying the drama, but keeping options open. Say he's happy for you to sleep with other people... If he loved you, he wouldn't be. So he doesn't love you - forget trying to work him out. But also, I think saying he doesn't mind is him opening it up to be OK for him to.
Seriously - drop him. Stop sleeping with him. Limit your drinking if you make bad decisions drunk. Talk to a counsellor. And read "He's Just Not That Into You".
Thanks for all the replies.
I never told him after the break up that he couldn't sleep with anyone else, I understand that he is free to do as he wishes in that department now. When I slept with someone I was very drunk and I do regret it, I don't want to pretend like I was in the right for doing that at all.
As for him saying he loves his two friends, I don't have a problem with him saying it now but when we were together I didn't like it when he wuld say or tell them that he loved them as they are 2 girls and it just didn't sit right with me.
Since sleeping with the person I have stopped drinking as frequent and as heavily as it wasn't doing a lot of good.
Cabrinha, if he wanted the sex then why would he be the one to say that we shouldn't sleep together now? Surely he'd want to carry that on?
Ps. As for him saying that he's happy for me to sleep with other people, he's always told me that however I've since found out that he has been Facebook stalking the guy that I slept with and two days ago he was asking my best friend about me and other guys, so clearly under the surface he is not ok with it.
All sounds suffocating, he is trying to fit into your life and surroundings. A turbulent relationship of just under a year's duration, now this.
he is enjoying this time alone where he can relax. What, by haunting your friends, socialising together, feigning detachment when in public as if to give other guys a chance, but having sex twice since agreeing to take things slowly and delay deciding whether to go steady again?
If you want to be with him, just say so! If you are keeping him on the back burner in case no-one else comes along, that's not fair, and you should call it a day. If you really aren't convinced you want to go through all this again, and are calling it a break just to spare his feelings, don't put off finishing for good, stop now.
That's the thing, because the relationship was so turbulent I just don't feel ready to make such a permenant decision yet. I explained to him that I still care for him, however at the minute I need some space and I can't be with anyone as I am having anxiety attacks, I want to sort myself out first before getting back into a relationship with anyone.
I do still have feelings for him though, but right now my head is all over the place.
I had a long and tempestuous relationship with a similar knobhead in my late teens/ early twenties and there was a lot of this "the one" stuff being thrown around. Bollocks- I wish I had known now what I know now- the one is going to be someone like my DH who actually is the one- kind, nice to you, makes you feel good, supports you, strengthens your sense of self.
Run for the hills.
I am still undecided about what's going to happen as regards to me and him in the future as I can't think straight at the minute, I guess that I just want to know where I stand really.
Honestly, I should have stopped reading at "Me and my ex are 20 & 21...". Should have known what was coming.
"I don't want him sleeping with other girls... but I have slept with other guys..."
"I don't like him saying he loves his friends...because they are girls... and he's a boy... and it makes me feel icky... (No doubt because I suppose we can't trust boys/men to love women they don't want to shag)... but I still want him to love me even though we aren't together"
And no, he doesn't sound like a "knobhead" at all as alleged. He just sounds like a normal 20yr old guy. If he's a knobhead for the things described, then YOU are the same.
You'll probably look back on this in 5 years - whether together or no...probably not - and laugh at how absurd it all was.
Merry Christmas... or is it too early?... f*ck it, Merry Christmas
(PS. There's no Santa)
Wow, Ola you really have gone for the jugular.
I never once alleged that he was a knobhead...? And I haven't slated him for his behaviour, I only wanted to figure out what he wanted and what he was trying to do.
I know that I am only young, hence why I have turned to this forum for advice (so no need for the sarky Santa comment).
Seriously, read "He's Just Not That Into You".
You will not figure out his motivations.
It isn't your job to.
All you need to know is that he's not into you, and you should only be with someone who is.
Even if you thought he was into you but had some traumatic reason why he couldn't show that, you are not responsible for fixing him. Sticking with a relationship that is hard work should only be considered if it has had years of being wonderful first! And even then, only considered.
Walk away from this headfuck, whether it's caused by him or by you. Sort out your drinking and your anxiety and your low expectations from a man.
I wish someone had got it into me at 21, that no - men are not complicated and difficult to understand and don't talk and we need to make loads of sodding allowances for that and work out what they really mean and feel and want because they can't do it themselves!!!
If a man loves you and it's worth staying, you'll feel happy. It won't cross your mind to post on the internet asking whether they're playing games.
Raise your expectations!!! He has made his decision. And you will feel better if you keep your dignity.
He probably did want you back, until you had a meltdown and he realises life is more peaceful without you.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. Watch and learn. Move on.
Too much drama. You don't need it. Tell him you are better off as just friends and be polite but cool when you see him around. Draw a line under the relationship. As someone suggested, use your uni counselling service. In a few months you will be glad you distanced yourself - you just need to hang on until then.
See I agree that it may be a case of him not being that into me, but if so then why is he:
1. Telling me that he loves me and that he always will.
2. Saying that he isn't going to be with anyone else, or even sleep with anyone else.
3. Saying that he wants to get back with me, was 100% but is 50/50 as he needs some time alone to improve himself (I asked him to do this when we were together as he had anger problems, apparantly he's working through them now)
4. Trying to befriend my friends despite having plenty of friends of his own.
5. Asking my friends about me, and about any male friends of mine.
The list could go on.
I suppose that you guys are right and that I should just stop stressing over what he's trying to do and distance myself instead, I did want to stay friends but I feel like all this second guessing is just too much.
He sounds like hard work. Find someone more fun that doesn't stress you out
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.