Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What should I do??(45 Posts)
I'm torn between what I think I want to do, and what the rest of my family want me to do.
I've been married for 13 years and have two DDs, 9 and 5.
I don't love my DH anymore. We've never been very affectionate and live separate lives in the same house. We have separate bank accounts and never spend time together.
DH is financially much better off than me and is careful with his money. We have a central account for direct debits and we pay the same amount in each month.
We have drifted apart and I always thought I could never have the confidence to go it alone. I've lost a lot of weight and am getting fed up of not feeling loved or appreciated. He collects the kids from his mums and comes home with them and cooks the tea for when I come in from work. We don't argue but don't have any affection or time for each other.
I've tried to reignite things as have tried hugging him and having sex.... Thinking the more I do this, the more I will love him, but just end up feeling empty. I feel so sad at how things have turned out.
My parents think I should put up with my lot and stay married. I'm scared of the financial consequences and the effect a separation will have on the DDs, but I feel like I can't live forever like this. I feel lonely but selfish for wanting out. I've told him about a month ago that I want a divorce and he was hysterical and told our eldest DD, and she was hysterical too. I keep thinking I only have one life.... And im crying as I type this as I feel so desperate.
Lovely to read this good on you for sticking to your guns, enjoy your new happy life. X
I like very much. It was amazing to see my mum come out of herself when she left my dad and I realised just how dragged down she'd been by being in a marriage that wasn't right because they didn't really love each other.
Can't say this'll be the case for you but my mum dad, and step mum are close friends. We, and all my step siblings all spend every occasion together as one big extended family and my step siblings have taken to my mum as much as I have to my step mum.
Life is so much better for everybody. I hope that all your family and your ex find this too.
Congratulations, I hope you have a great time in your new home. Great to hear a happy update.
Just an update.... I left him. Bought a new house, moved in 8 weeks ago. Never been happier. My 9year old dd said she thinks I'm lots happier now than before (and I thought the kids didn't notice how I felt!)
We do shared care so the kids do see lots of their dad too.
Can't believe I did it! And I adore my new home
Context: we'd been married over ten years!
Oh, Ships, I totally, totally get that. I had (and still have) the same thing. Once I said enough was enough and I was leaving, he started being overly attentive and solicitous.
I thought, really? After all these years of me not being happy and him ignoring that and telling me it's me with the problem, now that he's losing his comfy set-up he decides it's time to change?
And also: was change really that simple, all along?
It is a real kick in the teeth. But yes, also something I wanted to believe in. I did go back the first time, but felt suffocated again within two days and it only lasted six weeks!
At one stage while we were separated but living together, he did say, "I've been nothing but nice to you for five months now and it's a bit galling when you do nothing to respond!" Which helpfully showed him up for the idiot he still was.
He is clearly trying to manipulate you into changing your course of action. It would be more honest if he remained angry with you and cried/begged.
I guess he is acting like this because he thinks you are dumb, and his being nice will gloss over the years of shit he has dished out to you.
It's your call OP as to whether to believe it's a genuine change.
You say you feel you can't live like this forever so don't! You know you can't so you really don't have any other choice but to get divorced. It's going to be difficult but a few months down the line you will be so glad you did. The kids will get over it and so will your husband.
I have a solicitors appointment on Monday to discuss the financial and practicalities of a divorce. But since last week, DH has been overly nice. I mean, unrecognisable from his norm. I'm mad that he has never been capable of demonstrating affection to me for a decade, and now he is cornered and threatened with divorce, he's pulling out all the stops. Our eldest DD said "why is Daddy being so nice?"
That's made me cry. Crying because I though the DDs didn't see what he was like as DH is usually quite nice to them. The new DH attitude is suffocating a little, the holding of my leg while driving... Il do that.... Do you want my coat... ill carry tht for you... Running after me... Ill bath the kids etc etc... All things he has never done before.
And now the stupid side of me is doubting my divorce plan. He is manipulating me again and the sensible me knows his new attitude isn't the real him and its not sustainable... But it's what I've wanted him to be like for months, if not years, and now I'm brave enough to decide what I'm going to do... How dare he try to change now it's too late
I am so sorry that things are so tricky for you ships. Your H sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive. I also sorry that you parents are giving you so little support. Are they aware of the the extent of the misery he has inflicted on you?
I would not worry too much about your dd's being worse off without him. It sounds like the house is a very unpleasant place to be and their mum is very unhappy. How can keeping the family together be in their best interests if this the the price you have to pay?
Get some legal advice urgently and start finding somewhere to move to.
Ships, don't be fooled.
His attempts at wooing you, like trying to hug you and waking you up with a kiss are still abusive.
It's not him trying to be nice. It's him imposing on you.
As Cogito said, ignore him and your parents.
You know you've made the right decision. You are the one living your life. Not them.
Sometimes you have to have the courage of your convictions, ignore everyone else and do what needs to be done to make your life work. You knew your parents wouldn't be supportive so that shouldn't be a surprise. A pity, but not a shock. He's clearly not going to cooperate so you have to side-step him best you can. I strongly recommend you keep your eye on your real goal.. independence... and get legal advice. Good luck and stay strong.
Its OP here... (Slight name change as i deleted my account and rejoined)...
Last night he begged for me to give him another chance. Literally sat on the floor and cried and begged me. He asked if we can try counselling... I told him I don't think it can make me change my mind. He's been extra nice this weekend... Even our DD who is 9 said tonight "hasn't Daddy been lovely this weekend"... How awful is that she noticed he is usually not nice on a weekend!
I feel angry that I've been ignored and dismissed for months/ years and now I've become brave enough to make a decision, he is crawling around me, promising the world.
Tonight he mentioned counselling but said if I don't think it's going to change my mind, then it's to expensive to waste our money on it.... Nice eh!
My parents are angry with my decision, saying they think I might live to regret leaving and what happens if the DDs don't want to live in the new home I plan to move to. Then I may loose them.... I've told them I can't live like this forever.... And have been angry that they have added more conflict into an already difficult decision. He has been trying to hug me tonight and I've asked him not to. I feel suffocated by this change in his behaviour.... I woke up on Thursday to him giving me a kiss before he went to work. WTF! After all the discussions we had the night before.
I'm all cried out :'(
Ship699 I think for men it is easy to keep with a relationship because us women feel obliged to do, or duty to take on all the mothering and household chores and get lost in it all. I have felt so guilty about wanting to be happy but do we not deserve to be happy. I spoke to DH and said I really want to split up, he said he knows things have not been right and that he was not able to support me emotionally and is sad about us splitting up but he would stay in the marriage and is worried about not seeing the children. I felt terrible, we are like good friends so we could carry on without sex, romance and all that. But this man has been my family and friend for 12 years but we are not happy, out of lust and need other people around us to get a conversation. Was there a point when you knew it was over. It sounds like you have a battle on your hands, your DH sounds nasty and you already have internal emotions to work through. Do you have family to help you?
I had at least 30 min of exH on the phone threatening to kill himself, after I left him. My sister was with me at the time, she's a psychologist, and she was the one who told me to just turn the phone off at some point.
It was pathetic. At some point he claimed he had a knife to his throat.
That very same day he had threatened to take all of our lives. I walked out with DS within the hour.
Anyway, the next day, he turned up at my sister's with the grand opening line "I didn't kill myself".
And your children will be fine. My DS is, he understands how much of a prat his dad is, even though he loves him.
Please do not let his emotional blackmail affect you. He just wants his old cosy life back.
I had that "you made a promise in church" shit too. Actually what I made in church was a bargain. And he broke his half.
If you order something from a shop which they don't deliver, they can't start saying you still owe them the money because you promised to pay. You promised to pay for the goods they delivered. And you promised to love, honour and cherish a man who promised to do the same for you. Unfortunately there's precious little honouring and cherishing going on. So sod that for an argument.
XH also pulled that emotional manipulation of a 9-year-old. It was what made me realise that leaving him was the right thing to do, although I had already decided at that point that I must, but was feeling guilty about it. If all a person has left to keep you in a marriage is emotional blackmail, it isn't a relationship at all, let alone one worth keeping.
I agree with CharlotteC. He sounds very manipulative. Hysteria, hinting at suicidal thoughts, telling your daughter about the state of your marriage?
And saying he loves you - but doesn't care how you feel or how happy you are, or what he can do to make you happy, apparently.
There's also something very wrong with his being 'financially better off than you.' It's a marriage, a family: one member of it doesn't get to be better off than other members.
All the tears and talking of what dire things he thinks will happen to the children, are just tactics designed to pull you into line. It is, indeed, emotional blackmail: try to block it out, and hold your nerve.
Let his behaviour strengthen your resolve - you are definitely doing the right thing. This man sounds manipulative and controlling, not nice at all. If he has behaved like this in the past, it's not surprising you've felt your love wither away over time. I don't think he's honoured his marriage vows at all; sounds to me like he's out for number one.
The DCs WILL be ok. It'll take a little while for them to adjust, but it's quite possible that it will be healthier for them to have you as a positive role model (the new more energetic you once you get space from him), rather than growing up thinking his emotional blackmail and financial control are normal.
It'll be easier when the anger kicks in!
You'll be out soon. xxxxxxxxx
Today has brought him crying hysterically.... Saying if me and DDs aren't with him, he may as well be dead, and that the whole separation/divorce will "kill the kids".
Last night as the kids sat on the settee under a blanket and having cuddles with me, watching TV and he sat on the other sofa, I felt sad that I am plotting to upset the home, but it's not a happy home in my eyes and now the emotional blackmail has started
I just feel so sad :'(
I think what you are doing is very brave. And I think you will feel loads better once it's done, so keep your focus on that to get you through the stress now.
He sounds horrible.
He sounds a right selfidh idiot. The day he dragged your eldest dd into this would have been the day I left.
You do realise that was a form of emotional blackmail don't you? The lowest form involving his own child .
What you describe in the OP doesn't sound like a marriage.
Mentioning "his" money alone, is bad enough.
Do you share expenses 50-50, or do you pay for the children?
He's probably more upset that he'll have to share "his" money with you when you split.
Make sure you have details of all "his" accounts.
Ah, wedding vows. My violent, threatening, lazy, name calling husband also came with that one after I left him. Sorry, mate.
And blah, blah, blah about god. The person who hardly ever set foot in a church, apart from the wedding.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.