Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Mil and some issues(41 Posts)
It was dds birthday recently and they had a little party in preschool.Mil brings her to preschool as I work.She told me during the week that dd would need to bring in a cake-nothing special-just buy a cheap one in the supermarket.So the day before I went to the supermarket but thought that the cream on them wouldn't be fresh the next day so would go the next morning before work.Anyway the in store bakery wasn't open so I rang Mil and asked would she get one on her way.This was no problem.I see now from the photos that she baked one and brought it up but told me she just bought a 'cheap one'.Feel a bit funny that she lied about it.Also at sports day she told me that parents needn't come.I could have taken an hour off.Anyway turns out the parents did go.Am I over thinking this.Being a bit pfb and should just be more grateful,
It is very difficult to relinquish control when mother's work, particularly when the children are young or babies. Gp need to appreciate that although the DM is working, she still needs to be aware of absolutely everything that happens on her absence. Things like sports day etc. To deny the DM that information us unnecessary and cruel. Particularly when the DM is working to provide a quality of life for the children.
Working mothers do miss out on things and it appropriate and necessary that those who care for the children in the DM absence consider the DM feelings and needs too. I think many gm have absolutely no idea what it's like to leave children and go to work to pay the bills. They lived a different life compared to most mothers today. The gm has had her turn at being mom and she shouldn't deny her dil the pleasures if being a mom herself.
This gels is why it is better to sort out you childcare with strangers,rather than Mil.
Manipulative old bags all!Imagine baking a cake and being so used to treading on egg shells that you have to lie!!
I agree with Ginga and giggle.
Sharon, imho, all you need to do now is keep an ear out for any comment from mil about you missing the first sports day, or any sideways remark alluding to the fact that you failed to provide the birthday cake. (Mil makng the cake may be a red herring, but I get that you question the dynamic.) These kinds of comments will be shaming you, and you will then have the correct perspective validated.
Sorry but this does sound like subtle manipulation to me. My MIL is the same. She knows I hate missing kids whilst working and dh knows it too but when I am not there she always inviting herself around to 'help' when actually DH should be managing if I am at work and use her sparingly. I don't work so my kids can be brought up by MIL! And to give a similar example I went out for ONE hr and when I came back she told me that my one year old had walked for the FIRST time! I mean even if he had she would know how I would hate to miss that and lied. My DM and I say my first son walk for the first time but didn't tell DH as we knew he would desperately want to see it. It is passive aggressive behaviour . It's saying look at me I am the granny who bakes the cake that mummy cldnt even get around to buying. Grandparents get to make up for a lot of mistakes. And live out a little fantasy that they are the parents? Don't get me wrong my MIL and DM are amazing help and my boys adore them but they are not the mommy and they need to respect boundaries. My mother does and follows my instructions but MIL often ignores what DH and I say and he is too scared of her to stand up to her and I think sometimes wants her around so he has an easier time which of course is fine in small doses but if they start taking over its anothe issu.
I'm not upset in the least....just find it funny that you would take exception to my post and try turning it into an argument and try slating me at the same time
Sounds like you're the ones with a bee in your bonnet for getting antsy over a post that doesn't share your opinion.
Giggle what do you understand passive aggression to be out of interest?
Are you okay? You do sound a bit upset?
kandy passive aggressive much?! I'm merely replying to someone choosing to nitpick on my comments. Got a problem with me replying?
Believe it or not a lot of DGMs, whilst they enjoy their DGCs, have a life of their own and don't want to takeover their DIL's role or look after their GC constantly
This, inadvertently, answers the problem imo. This DMIL, albeit kind and well-meaning, I could bet doesnt have a busy life, and helping with DGD is filling it. Plus, she doesn't want OP to feel DMIL is taking over, or possibly, to be a bit more generous, doesn't want busy working OP to feel guilty for not being at things so doesn't mention the cake and discourages her from sports day.
Jeeez, give it a rest giggle. Everyone, especially you (repeatedly) have had their say. YOU are the one over-reacting and, frankly, being ridiculous.
expects reactionary rant of a post in reply, which will be ignored
If you read my posts properly you will see i have given her the benefit of the doubt.....and my interpretation is in no way the 'meanest and nastiest possible' - you're exhibiting a hysterical over reaction!
I know exactly what you're doing bunch and your pathetic pa games don't wash with me.
It seems you have a problem with anyone who states a viewpoint different to yours,you obviously don't understand what it means to 'respect' anothers viewpoint because you're determined to take issue with it. You don't personally know the mil so you have NO IDEA of what she is like.
I find your reaction rather funny
Exactly, Kandy I think it's much nicer to give people the benefit of the doubt when there is one. Sadly there are often occasions when it is clear people are trying to be horrible. I don't think this is one of those occasions from the OP.
Giggle, did I say you were mean and nasty? NO
I said it was the meanest and nastiest interpretation of OP's MIL's actions. So NOT a personal attack at all... in fact exactly what you refer to: an opinion on an open public forum...that you can disagree with
Without actual evidence I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
not much point you two arguing about it.
either one of you may be right or it may be a mix of the two.
Wow! Were you there at the time mynew??!!!
bunch i am in no way interpreting this is 'in the meanest nastiest way possible'. I am being REALISTIC and going off what info OP has given.
Sure,plenty of DGMs are made of sugar n spice n all that's nice...and there are plenty who are NOT.
It's very easy to use a working parents guilt to your own advantage-be that guilt over having to go to work or taking time off work to attend to things. Hence why i suggested OP liaise with dc school herself and decide for herself rather than relying on mil to keep her informed.
It wouldn't turn in to cakegate if you understood and accepted that everyone is an allowed an opinion on an open public forum...that you can disagree with an opinion without trying to turn it into a personal attack....and that you are no more knowledgable about OP's situation than any other stranger on MN.
This is turning into cakegate.
Giggle, the reason I ask about your relationship with your MIL is because you seem resolute on interpreting this in the meanest, nastiest way possible.
Believe it or not a lot of DGMs, whilst they enjoy their DGCs, have a life of their own and don't want to takeover their DIL's role or look after their GC constantly. In fact most GPs I know still work.
Do you know how many years I've had sports days to go to? Over 30! Believe me when I say the attraction can pall a little <yawn>
baking a cake doesnt take long, although buying one from the shoo doesnt take long either so i dont see why the op couldnt just get one from the supermarket
the nursery sportsday - that could have been the exact message. school have done that to me lots of times.
I wasn't clear. The MIL had plenty of time to bake a cake after being informed by the OP in the morning that she didn't get one. She dropped GC at nursery, came home, baked the cake, and then brought to the class either midday or early afternoon. If the MIL wasn't working or had no plans, baking a cake is easy.
I don't want to add to the OP's guilt but she had choices. MIL didn't said to not attend or bake a cake. She left it up to the OP and DH to decide what they want to do: buy or bake a cake or go to sports day.
She could have bought her nice cake still. Have MIL drop DD at nursery per usual. OP could have taken an hour out of her day to go celebrate her DD's birthday at the nursery, bring said cake, take a couple of photos, and then head back to work. Same with sports day.
She also has a choice to communicate with the nursery and her DD's teacher directly instead of always relying on her MIL. If its important enough for the OP she will stand up against her MIL and put her foot down. Maybe these two incidents weren't that important in the whole scheme of things.
Yes, she feels guilty but working mothers usually have a bit of guilt. They have to prioritize and some things will be dropped.
Why not mention it to OP if that were the case? In my experience it's normal to talk/mention these things,i mean there must have been a follow up conversation?! I don't buy the 'she didn't want to make OP feel guilty/under pressure', not when combined with the birthday and sports day behaviour. It's normal to have these conversations and communicate,so if it transpires that the parent DOES feel guilty etc you can reassure them.
You have to let the parent decide how they feel about a situation and respond to it instead of projecting your own ideas onto them. If OP is already feeling bad about having to go back to work when what she really wants is to be with her dc, then how does missing out or not being a part of these occasions (when she COULD have been) help her?!!
Why couldn't she have baked a cake? Drop off at nursery come home bake cake bring in midday or mid afternoon.
She had plenty of time if she doesn't work.
I'm a realistic person kandy
I get the impression that mil wants that 'special' feeling and be the one that enjoys dc firsts. Not unpredictable,a lot of grandparents get like that. However,it isn't her place. She's had her time of enjoying those firsts with her own children.
I'm suspicious of her motives because it isn't normal to say to the parent 'oh,just get a cheap cake' and then go ahead and bake a birthday cake behind the parents back. Do you expect me to believe she just knocked one together that morning right after recieving OP's call?! Also coupled with the fact that she didn't say anything to OP about it makes me very suspicious of her motives. It isn't normal behaviour.
Like i said,i don't think she is being deliberately malicious but she is taking the piss by being selective in what she tells OP and how she phrases things.
That's why i think OP should liaise with dc teachers directly whether by phone/in person/email and not rely on mil to keep her informed.
What stops you bring honest with your MIL?
"Oh that's a lovely home made cake in the photo - thanks for making it, why on earth did you say you bought one when you made one?"
If she's lying to you in a bad way, you've called her on it. But if it was just something nice, you can both enjoy it.
I'm confused about the fresh cream though - is your corner shop Fortnum & Mason? Why couldn't you just get a regular cake, usually a week of shelf life! Makes me wonder if you're trying to balance working parent guilt with "perfection". A tub of cheap long life mini rolls would have done the trick! Don't feel guilty - bet she LOVES preschool. I used to try to pick my 4yo up early - every time, she'd say "but we're just reading" or "I'm playing with X". I've spent plenty of time waiting around for her. Preschool can be lovely!
it depends kandy - on the one hand could be innoculous though i wonder why she concealed doing it. on the other hand it could have been a i'm such a good granny, i've made a cake as OP is just too busy with her career, she couldn't even make it to sports day you know.
we don't know.
i think if you've never been exposed to people who play strange games and try to do things like this you wouldn't see it. as you say maybe those of us who are used to people like this would read more into it. <shrug>
hence me saying just keep an eye out.
at this stage with what we know it could be either/or.
what i'd watch out for - things like that birthday business of wanting it at HER house. how she talks about your child to others - watching out for any sense that she's propriatorial over her or gives people the impression she has her much more than she does, giving dd clothes and toys but always wanting to keep them at her house not let take them home etc.
put the boundaries where you're comfortable with them and i would say speak to nursery and ensure they know that you are the one to communicate with please.
Giggle I'm sorry but I really believe it sounds as if you are a suspicious person. There is no actually evidence here the MIL is being underhand.
Where would baking a cake instead of buying one get her!!?
I really think she is trying to help you out OP and also trying to alleviate some of the guilt you obviously feel. Be grateful.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.